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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Cheating?

86 replies

Willarosie · 16/01/2020 20:14

Hi, can any one advise? My fiancé has been distant lately. Didn’t want sex for a couple of mornings and wasn’t affectionate on an evening for five nights. Today he said he had to work late. I suggested going in later. He declined and said he wouldn’t be home in time. In fact, adamant he wouldn’t be back in time so took his snooker cue with him in readiness as he plays snooker each Thursday night. He said he wouldn’t leave work until about 6pm ish due to meetings. I believed that. However, something niggled me with his distant behaviour. So I called his work at 5pm. The receptionist, who he manages, said he left at 3pm for the day and he would see her tomorrow. He hadn’t been in touch since 2.55pm and said nothing of popping out and hadn’t text or emailed me since 2.55pm. He knew I had a doctors appt at 4pm but he didn’t enquire so presumed he was in a meeting. Then at 5pm I made the call. I then text him and said Did you finish work at 3pm? He said he had to pop out why? I said no problem, just that I didn’t know and he has told me off before for finishing work early/starting later without saying anything to pick up an Asda food shop so we have agreed to let each other know. He then called me. He said he had to pick something up. Shouted at me down the phone that I didn’t trust him. He was very annoyed with me. Went into detail as to what he had to do and that he was now on the way to the office but that he would cancel his meetings to come home and have a chat with me. I said no have your meeting. I didn’t mention about the call. He called me back over an hour later and said what was all that about? I asked him where he was and he said he had been at work and dropped off the stuff and was driving back (his commute is 40mins). I still didn’t tell him I called his work. I was so angry and said after 2 years you have never been paranoid... why now? I said someone had called my office to say my fella wasn’t where he should be this afternoon. That’s why I felt like I did. Should I tell him I called his work and tell him what they said? Do you think he is cheating? He used to message his ex for six months behind my back and even changed her name in his phone... when caught out on this, he said he didn’t know how it had happened!?! Don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
RealBecca · 17/01/2020 19:44

Ffs the last thing you do of you suspect this sort of thing and want proof is do stuff like that. You SAY NOTHING. then you dig around. HOLD YOUR TONGUE AND GET YOUR ANSWERS.

kateandme · 17/01/2020 20:15

i know the worry of money and security can be disablingand it why many many people put up with their partners beahviour.
but misery over the years wont ease the fear.you will just hav a different kind of fear and sadness in you.it will leach into you in the same way money worries would.but at least fre you have a chance at turning it round and being happy.
because your staying.what would happen if he decided to leave.you ill find yourself in the very situation you feared and stayed to prevent.an it will then be totally out of your control.

pemberlyshades · 18/01/2020 09:16

You said I do feel that he has met up with someone but it was innocent but now won't back down from that.

What evidence do you have that it was innocent? Why do you think this? I think you're going to stick your head back in the sand and carry on as normal. Best start saving for the divorce now OP.

andyjusthangingaround · 18/01/2020 10:08

@Willarosie - You dont trust him
Once trust is gone, what`s left to stay for?

I think some PPs already highlighted that you are too eager and want to please. He might not be the right person though.

Handhold... been there

Motoko · 18/01/2020 11:53

OP you didn't answer my question, do YOU want sex every day? Or are you doing it to try to stop him from straying, or because he's coercing you? Does he get in a mood if you say no?

Willarosie · 18/01/2020 12:18

I do like sex everyday. He doesn’t get in a mood if I am not in the mood. I asked why he chose our one date night to pretend to work late and go look at wedding cars. He said he didn’t know why. Today he has done all the ironing, sorted the washing. Booked a meal for tomorrow lunch for the two of us and booked valentines. My mum said he is so guilty!

OP posts:
bakebeans · 18/01/2020 12:24

Doesn’t sound good. Definitely up to something. Ask to check his phone out of the blue and call his bluff. Tell him there are trust issues due to him lying and that is the only reason why!

YasssKween · 18/01/2020 12:25

I do feel that he has met up with someone but it was innocent but now won't back down from that.

By "innocent" do you mean he met up with another woman behind your back because he fancies her but just didn't have any sexual contact?

Or do you mean he met up with someone with absolutely no inappropriate intentions or fancying them etc?

Because only one of those things is actually "innocent". You're trying to convince yourself of something you know isn't true. It doesn't matter if he "did anything" if he's meeting other women behind your back.

StegosaurusRex · 18/01/2020 13:10

My ex was a compulsive liar. It was never about big things until we got married, just silly lies to make himself sound clever or more interesting and I always called him out on them. I would notice money missing from the bank and question him. He would try a bullshit excuse but I knew he was lying, so questioned him further and he would break and "admit" he was planning a surprise for me but now I'd ruined it, so he'd just cancel and get the money back. None of the money ever made it back into the bank account and none of the surprises ever happened. It's a pretty common way to turn it back on you

AiryFairyMum · 18/01/2020 17:15

The "it was a surprise for you and now you've ruined it" excuse when rumbled is pretty much the worst in the book.

Willarosie · 20/01/2020 16:55

I have stayed calm all weekend but inside I feel so numb. He is now away on a work trip for two days (one overnight stay). I would have really missed him, but I actually don’t now. Glad he is away. He isn’t back until after 10pm tomorrow. I am actually relieved. I have taken a few huge steps back and I am analysing our relationship. He took me out for lunch kiddy free yesterday. He is being all charming (can’t help feeling it’s guilt). I just don’t feel the same way any more. I really want to find some proof though before I end things. It seems he has overlapped relationships before but never been caught out... always the sensible one on nights out whilst his mates go off and cheat. He is the quiet one. Probably worse than being downright obvious. Maybe the next time he works late, I will go check it out. Or is that just ridiculous?

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