To think that I can’t work if DH won’t do any childcare?

[Crocuses]

DH is whinging about me being a SAHM, not working and not contributing my share. He keeps pointing out that SIL works so why can’t I? But he’s ignoring the fact that BIL does his share. He leaves work at his contracted finishing time 5pm and does half of the pickups. He works late on other days to give him enough flex time to be able to do half of the drop offs. He and his wife both took a week of unpaid parental leave when their youngest DC was ill. They take turns dealing with sick days. He does grocery shopping and ironing.

My DH thinks he’s so important and his company absolutely wouldn’t accept him asking for flex time or working from home or being off work, and it would affect his job security and progression. When I ask for any support he whinges that none of the other executives have to deal with childcare because they’re all so important. He finds it embarrassing to have to say “sorry I need to leave this meeting because my son needs picking up at 6pm”. He won’t even text me to say he’ll be late because it makes him look bad, and quite frankly he doesn’t want to. I’ve pointed out that if DS was with a childminder he couldn’t just be late without telling anyone, and he says but DS isn’t with a childminder, he’s with you and you’re his mother so you should just look after him, I shouldn’t have to give his mother a pickup time.

He’s never done a single night with DS because he’s so important, he has to be well slept. I broke my leg and he wouldn’t even take a day off when I went in for surgery, I had to beg an elderly neighbour to watch DC as a one off, and I had to request light anaesthesia because I couldn’t take time to rest afterwards. Even when I had food poisoning and was projective vomiting and begging him for help because I was too ill to look after the baby, he still went to work and left me.

I don’t see how I can work (especially not in the type of career job DH wants me to have) if I’m solely responsible for all pickups, drop offs, sick days, hospital appointments etc? No job is that flexible. And the bigger problem is that if I can’t work I’ll have no pension and no job for when DS grows up.

DH never takes his full holiday entitlement either, apparently they can’t spare him so they often just pay him for his missed holiday. They often phone and ask him to pop in to the office even when he’s officially on holiday. So I don’t see how I can work and cover school holiday childcare if he won’t take his holidays? And he does at least an hour of unpaid overtime every single day so I cook every meal because he isn’t home in time, I do all the grocery shopping and ironing. I don’t know how I can take on all of the family responsibilities and work too?

I am married to someone very similar. The only difference is at weekends he is happy to take the kids out so that I can catch up on housework. He is not however happy for me to take the kids out while he catches up on housework. This is seen by him to be a sign of how magnanimous he is towards me as obviously he is doing me a huge favour

I don't like him very much. I feel that you probably don't like your H very much either. There is an obvious solution to the problem, but breaking up a family is hard.

It's harder living with a "parent" who does nothing than being a single parent as you also end up looking after the absent parent. You clean up after them, do their washing and do all their life admin. Plus you have the daily frustration of feeling like someone's skivvy. It sounds like you would be better off being a single parent.

He sounds like he wants his cake and eat it. He wants you to work, bring in income AND do all the childcare/housekeeping.

I couldn't live with someone like that. How could he leave you projectile vomiting. What a cunt.

They are his children too. Why does he get to opt out of all the wife work (and we haven't even got onto mental load!).

Have a good think about whether you want to be with someone who seems to have so little regard for you and his children.

He sounds exactly like my father. My mum suffered being married to him for over 30 years and now he's royally screwing her over with regards to the divorce. Leave him.

So you don't mind going back to work, but what he wants (you to do everything and have a top full time job) won't work.

Prepare him a list of options with estimated costs and let him decide.

Option 1 - stay as you are.
Option 2 - you find a part time job that has flexibility (not easy to find) so you can do all the childcare and housework outside of hours, but factoring in needing some nursery costs.
Option 3 - you go back to work but get a job at night. He looks after the child at night and takes the child for mornings at nursery whilst you sleep. You pick up child from nursery and do the rest of the day until work.
Option 4 - you work nearly full time and you have full time childcare or a nanny to fit around you and he has to either do housework or hire in a cleaner/help.
Option 5 - you both work full time, have a written schedule for who does what pick ups and what chores and pay for childcare during your working hours. I would still add a cleaner/help if he won't share chores.
Don't forget to add in costs for summer holidays and what dates he would need leave.

Sometimes men need it in black and white. Compile the options (there may be more) and tell him to decide if he wants you to work in the top full time job he is planning on.

OP,
I would be placing my trust in a man like your husband.

He sounds really awful.
He sounds like he really neither likes, respects or cares for you.

Be very careful.
Think hard about your future.

Those that are saying lay out the options, he'll have to step up, are missing the point. This is someone who refused to look after their son when the op was in hospital.

This is not someone who will step up. Op will still be 100% responsible for parenting, household stuff plus a job.

Op, I think he is abusive in his behaviour towards you and like others have said, you need to consider what kind of role model this is providing your son.

I think you need to consider leaving. I would hate my H if he pulled this shit.

There might be some truth in workplaces being less accommodating of a man's need to adapt their work life to fit around childcare than a woman's

I do think this is true largely because men don't often ask for the flexibility because the wife often accepts it's part of her role. Hopefully this will change in the future.

DH recently got offered 2 new jobs, he took the one that offered flexi hours & remote working "because his wife also works". if

My first “Leave the Bastard!”

Your husband is a massive cock nostril.

Leave him and be happy.

Wow he sounds like a dickhead.

Honestly I would consider whether you want to stay in this relationship. I couldn't be with someone like that.

But I don't the issue is whether you work or not. Your DH doesn't sound very nice

He has already promised her that he will be unhelpful (no morning drop-offs, no flextime, no working from home, wont speak up to leave on time), and he was unhelpful even when she had a broken leg.

I haven't seen where she said he would do any morning drop-offs. I thought the problem was that he wouldn't leave early or work flexing or from home. I think you probably can't do that for some jobs but at least some morning drop-offs should be nonnegotiable. If he does do that I can't see why OP can't go back to work - everything else such as cleaning can be paid for with the extra money that she will be bringing in. If he actually refuses to do a single thing then the question should be whether she should stay with someone so selfish not whether she should work.

OP, take heed from others with similar experience. Your h is not being reasonable but doesn't care as you are considered an inferior partner and therefore your "lot" in life is supposed to be more difficult. I was married to one of these narcisstic types whose image to the outside world came above everyone else.Some people focus on careers to provide a lifestyle for their family but he isn't like that. He is doing this solely for him.

He sounds exactly like my father. My mum suffered being married to him for over 30 years and now he's royally screwing her over with regards to the divorce. Leave him

This is so common as the longer you stay gives him more control over you and he can harm you financially as you won't be able to rebuild a career in later life.

Speak to a solicitor if you consider leaving but don't tell him of any plans.

I know! How?! Surely they must have support from grandparents or aunties or receive additional benefits because I honestly don’t know how it’s possible.

no we don't. We pay for childcare and holiday care, and make sure we leave work on time or find paid alternative or ask for favour.

@Crocuses no extra help single parent here, or benefits (rude assumption) after school care, childminders the same childcare two working parents use.

Those that are saying lay out the options, he'll have to step up, are missing the point. This is someone who refused to look after their son when the op was in hospital.

Even that doesn't mean he won't do anything if OP works.. He would have had to have looked after as child if there was no one else to do it.

My mum suffered being married to him for over 30 years and now he's royally screwing her over with regards to the divorce. Leave him

Yes I know too many women who having complied with the husband's wish to have someone taking all responsibility for home and family then foundthemselves screwed over in middle age and told to "stand on their own two feet".

This is the real reason to get back into the workplace but not with this man who cares so little for his family. Cut your losses now if he will not change.

Nannies/cleaners also don't solve the problem of the responsibility for the home and family or who takes time off in emergencies and does the million little things which keep a family running.

It amazes me how many people don't seem to realise that their children will grow up to emulate and mimic the behaviour they see every day

Yes, my DF did have a big job in the city & I didn't see him much Mon to Fri when very young however every Saturday & Sunday he was up cooking breakfast for my siblings & I & making breakfast in bed for my mum. Weekends, holidays he was very hands on & my mum also retained a lot of her independence.

The argument about single mothers is not "spectacularly missing the point". The OP asked to confirm that she absolutely cannot work, but the reality is that she most probably can, as many single parents do exactly that. She has one preschool aged child, not newborn triplets.
Will it be easy? Of course not.
Will she be better off financially as a single working parent compared to being a SAH wife to a man with an executive career? Almost certainly not.
Will she be better mentally as a single parent? Only OP can answer this.
Would have someone taken care of her in case of a broken leg had she been a single parent? Unlikely, and there's a non zero chance she'd had to do the nursery run in a cast and then hop off to work.
She has to look after herself and her DC interests first before deciding whether to LTB or not.

Your husband has a monstrously unhealthy relationship with his job. He sounds a bit unhinged tbh, or at the very least, desperately insecure. A pathetic wannabee. Id find it hard to respect that, and the fallout on you is horrendous.

I would be fascinated to see what he said if someone asked him if any of his colleagues were divorced. Not that you should necessarily ask him, but I bet there are a few.

Well, he sounds horrible.

You do need a job. One way or another, you will need to work outside the home and you will have to be the flexible parent juggling stuff. Either as a single parent or married to this arsehole.

I'd plan to get a job and leave, if I were you.

But perhaps some counselling would be a good idea?

My dh used to be like this. I also broke my leg and had to have surgery. He was really shitty towards me as he was so full of his self importance. My golden moment was to remind dh of his wedding vows and spat out in a venomous tone ‘in sickness and in health’. The tumble weed in the room...

I don't really see why you couldn't look for more flexible, child friendly, part time roles

Oh I know, I know! Because most of those jobs also pay fuck all. So OP would be 100% responsible for home and childcare, expected to take every sick day etc, as she has a little part time flexible job, and DH's job is way more important.
But at the same time, she will be expected to pay for all childcare, as this is of course needed to 'allow her to work'. And as she now works, she will be expected to contribute 50-50, never mind that husband's big important job brings in several times the income.

Win-win. For the DH.

Oh dear, he wouldn't like me. I'm a SAHM of a school age DC, but the difference between you and us is that we are a complete partnership; I run house/school/DC's life/absolutely everything on the domestic front, and DH earns the money. BUT he's also completely hands on and helps at home as and when he can (works away a lot or very long hours). We wouldn't have remained happily married if he had dared suggest I didn't pull my weight.

Have you pointed out to your DH that if you didn't do what you do, he couldn't do what he does? Sounds to me that he's very jealous of others and feels he is entitled to a certain lifestyle which will only come if you work full time too.

I think you need to figure out what you are willing to do in this situation. Your husband sounds like he's failing in his job as a husband and father, as many people have said. But in follow up posts you dismiss every suggestion that people make to change your situation. This implies you believe you're only ever a victim, and don't want to take any responsibility for changing your situation. Instead, all you really want is a good moan and for people to say, 'he's such a dick', rather than to be given helpful advice and take any action.

I have also been in the situation (a job) where I hated every element, wanted change, but didn't want to make the change, because I wanted to keep the fantastic salary. Eventually, however, the change came. It was forced on me, instead, and I was fired. I say this because he will have thoughts on how well your setup is working, too. He might think similar things but be more ready to make a change.

If your description is accurate, I think you should email your post to a marriage therapist. Again, that's if you actually want anything to change. If you just wanted people to call him out, you've got 9 pages of it.