To think that I can’t work if DH won’t do any childcare?

[Crocuses]

DH is whinging about me being a SAHM, not working and not contributing my share. He keeps pointing out that SIL works so why can’t I? But he’s ignoring the fact that BIL does his share. He leaves work at his contracted finishing time 5pm and does half of the pickups. He works late on other days to give him enough flex time to be able to do half of the drop offs. He and his wife both took a week of unpaid parental leave when their youngest DC was ill. They take turns dealing with sick days. He does grocery shopping and ironing.

My DH thinks he’s so important and his company absolutely wouldn’t accept him asking for flex time or working from home or being off work, and it would affect his job security and progression. When I ask for any support he whinges that none of the other executives have to deal with childcare because they’re all so important. He finds it embarrassing to have to say “sorry I need to leave this meeting because my son needs picking up at 6pm”. He won’t even text me to say he’ll be late because it makes him look bad, and quite frankly he doesn’t want to. I’ve pointed out that if DS was with a childminder he couldn’t just be late without telling anyone, and he says but DS isn’t with a childminder, he’s with you and you’re his mother so you should just look after him, I shouldn’t have to give his mother a pickup time.

He’s never done a single night with DS because he’s so important, he has to be well slept. I broke my leg and he wouldn’t even take a day off when I went in for surgery, I had to beg an elderly neighbour to watch DC as a one off, and I had to request light anaesthesia because I couldn’t take time to rest afterwards. Even when I had food poisoning and was projective vomiting and begging him for help because I was too ill to look after the baby, he still went to work and left me.

I don’t see how I can work (especially not in the type of career job DH wants me to have) if I’m solely responsible for all pickups, drop offs, sick days, hospital appointments etc? No job is that flexible. And the bigger problem is that if I can’t work I’ll have no pension and no job for when DS grows up.

DH never takes his full holiday entitlement either, apparently they can’t spare him so they often just pay him for his missed holiday. They often phone and ask him to pop in to the office even when he’s officially on holiday. So I don’t see how I can work and cover school holiday childcare if he won’t take his holidays? And he does at least an hour of unpaid overtime every single day so I cook every meal because he isn’t home in time, I do all the grocery shopping and ironing. I don’t know how I can take on all of the family responsibilities and work too?

You are in an impossible situation. If you go back to work it's pretty obvious you'll be doing all the drop off, pick up and housework plus covering any sick days.
I can't get over the amount of people saying oh well he'll have to help. I can see it's obvious he won't.
My husband always said he'd do his share when I went back to work, well I went back to work and guess what? He does fuck all to help around the house, although he does help with the children more. He was a bit better in the early stages of my pregnancy but has stopped now.
I understand you don't want to take your son away from his dad and home but is your son actually happy? Does he have any relationship with his dad? My BIL treats his wife like your husband treats you and my niece hates him and wants her mum to leave.
Your son would probably be a lot happier without his dad around. I wouldn't worry about working I would be working out how and when I could leave him.

I’m a single working parent and it’s a lot, but we’re managing.

@Crocuses

Single mothers do work though
I know! How?! Surely they must have support from grandparents or aunties or receive additional benefits because I honestly don’t know how it’s possible.
No many don't so please don't assume that your burden is the heaviest.
Many work lower paid work than previously to have greater flexibility.

I don't really see why you couldn't look for more flexible, child friendly, part time roles. You've not got the burden of having to get a job immediately so look for the role that can accommodate your needs.
As for your husband, you perhaps need to review your relationship. Best case he will need to pay for holiday clubs and the like.
But it's hardly a relationship as that relies on being a partnership and this is anything but...

@SympatheticSwan

Single mothers do work though...

Spectacularly misses the point!

OMG your posts are so frustrating.

Why are you staying with this man?
If it's for the comfort and money then accept you are paid staff and get on with it.

Its not for your son as you are both damaging him with this messed up example of a relationship. Also if your DH is as uninvolved with your son as you indicate then I'd be concerned about emotional abuse.

Single parents can work as can SAHM.
YABU not to work. You need financial independence from him.

LEAVE HIM OR ACCEPT HE SEES YOU AS STAFF

I'm a single working mum, 35 hours a week. DS (2) is in nursery 8am to 6pm. I use AL and flex to do appointments. No family or grandparents. Ex picks up from nursery and drops off one night a week. It's fine honestly. Your DH sounds like an entitled twat.

I think you could possibly work but you can't realistically succeed at the sort of demanding job your DH wants for you. He's put you in a Catch-22. Maybe he wants you try and fail, to make himself feel better,

I am also wondering, if he is just very vain and bigs himself and his career up, or if there is something else going on. All this being called in to work, and doing unpaid overtime, and not taking leave, and not being able to call you from work.... yet he can't afford a nanny - makes me wonder if he's having an affair at work.

Or maybe he's just a knob.

What does he say when you tell him that you will work full time if he does half the pick ups
He says I CAN’T. But that’s not an excuse for you not to work.

He needs to think this through a bit further.

If working means he can't do any pickups or drop-offs, how does he think you'll be able to do all the pickups and drop-offs when working?

Can he not see the inconsistency?

"They literally have not thought about the logistics until a real life situation is set out in front of them. At which point they either realise they must do some drop offs, or back off asking their partner to work."

Yes, this is my husband as well. He expected me to go back to work when DS2 started school - but he wouldn't be able to commit to helping out with either the drop off or the pick up because his work is too unpredictable (sales based, not standard office hours). I asked him if he was expecting me to find one of those mythical 10-2 jobs that have all the school holidays off and unlimited sick days - he said Yes! (He missed the word "mythical")

So I did exactly what you said - pointed out the logistics of how me working full time would impact on his life - he backed off again. He's a lot better than the OP's husband but he does still think that I should find one of the above miracle jobs, that every other mother in our school area not currently in employment would also be after. To be fair, I'd quite like to find one too! But y'know, they're hard to come by...

Childminders, cleaners, holiday clubs? These services do not come for free! Any money OP could earn would probably be used up paying all of these individuals to care for her child, while piling on a load of stress for good measure.

OP you need to sit down with your husband and have a calm discussion about how you going out to work can happen; what level of responsibility he will take on for his child, and how will household chores be divided up etc. He doesn't get to sail on happily oblivious while you cope as a single parent.

Also, spare a thought for any women/mothers that have to work in your DHs company. If the tone at the top is one of fully time only, long hours and admitting to having family responsibilities is a weakness, then they must have a very tough time. You’d be doing them a favour if you could persuade your DH that it is normal for men with children to require a little flexibility from their employer.

It's possible but if you work full time, have children, no wider family support and you're a single parent or your partner is not supportive, then yes, you'll cope but you'll be knackered and stressed. No need to go through that if you don't have to.

OP hasn't said she has to get a full-time job and she isn't a single parent. She could employ a cleaner. She doesn't know for sure that her partner will be unhelpful if she goes back to work but either way the question shouldn't be whether she should work. The question should be that if she does work and he doesn't provide any support should she leave.

She could work but that's clearly not the point. Why should she do everything with the DC and work when he's doing fuck all for HIS child?

@Crocuses play him at his own game. Lay down your conditions, like he's done. Your say is equal to him, don't let him dominate you.

I don’t understand the single mums do it argument. Many single mums can’t do it all alone and get loads of help from family. I was a single mum with no help and it made me ill. Not a desirable situation!
Plus, not all single parents manage to work through no choice of their own. Some are trapped on benefits because their previous area of work doesn’t suit family life and/ or they can’t afford/ find suitable childcare. It takes a village to raise a child. Women often can’t do it all alone and shouldn’t be expected to.

That said, if your DH is treating you like this, you might be happier as a single mum. Especially if your finances, family, line of work etc would enable you to be financially ok as one. Not forgetting maintenance and government help with childcare. all worth looking into.

If you don’t want to LTB, then get a job on the grounds he pays 50% of the cost of childcare and a cleaner.

OP, living with that man sounds like hell and not a good environment for your child. That is why I clicked YABU. I think you've got to find a solution to the child-care problem and find a job, because otherwise you will be eternally tied to that shit of a husband you have and your child will grow up thinking that this is the way men and women interact.

He won’t even text me to say he’ll be late because it makes him look bad

Haha bollocks.

He sees you as less than staff. Staff get paid. You he thinks should be paying for the privilege of supporting his incredibly important self and his incredibly important job. If your 'nice home' is worth living with someone like that to you then that's your call I suppose, but it bloody wouldn't be to me.

Childminders, cleaners, holiday clubs? These services do not come for free! Any money OP could earn would probably be used up paying all of these individuals to care for her child, while piling on a load of stress for good measure.

Well no because she would only be paying for half of these things. Regardless, she would have a career and independence which is important for anyone but particularly if you are married to someone of selfish as the OP's DH seems to be.

When I was working full time my dcs went to a child minder due DD in 11 weeks when I return to work full time will be the same with her it's the only way I can work which I obviously really need to I can't let my dp do It all financially .

I don't know anyone who could be with a man who thinks so little of his family.
I'd be asking him how embarrassing he will feel when his colleagues find out he's incapable of being a husband and father. As he is embarrassed to ask for time off.

I bet when you add up the cost of childcare and a cleaner he will realise how much money you are saving doing the work of a SAHM!!! Wonder if he will still want you to get a job.
Don’t forget you need to do the sick days 50/50 too, so he will have to take time more time off work than he does now.

Maybe he might see your value then, because he really doesn’t value you at the moment! And he should!

I work full-time and do all of this myself, with flexibility from work. I'd get rid of him if you can...

More to the point - I’m not a single parent so don’t see why I should have to cope as one. If I’m going to be a single parent then why am I bothering to stay married to him!

This is a question I would be asking him.

I'm loving all the just get a job posts because single mothers do. Talk about missing the point.

I couldn't see a future with a man who allowed me to have an operation and also worth about childcare. There's just no coming back from that.

Ask him to solve the logistics if it's that easy. Detailed plan. Marriage is a team effort, I'm not seeing any of that here.

I think you need to become as independent as possible.

Get a job and do all the childcare and once you are stable leave your husband.

He won’t change and it will get worse with another child. He doesn’t like you very much. By all means check if he’s worried about keeping his job or worried about money. For me I would see his behaviour as a warning and I’d be doing all I could not to rely on him.

Ok, I’m with the LTB gang, but if you’re so insistent you have to stay with this prat, you’ll need to show him cold hard facts. Do all the research, list the jobs you’d apply to, hours of work, childcare costs, travel, etc.

Create a spreadsheet showing how this would work, the possible pitfalls, emergency situations. If he’s such a professional, you be professional and do a Flaming Powerpoint presentation if necessary to show him the big picture. Leave it with him and ask him exactly how he suggests you go forward if he’s such a high flying expert.

The big knob.

She doesn't know for sure that her partner will be unhelpful if she goes back to work

He has already promised her that he will be unhelpful (no morning drop-offs, no flextime, no working from home, wont speak up to leave on time), and he was unhelpful even when she had a broken leg.

So how much more sure does she need to be? Does she really need to apply for a job and get it to see him do exactly what he said he was going to do - nothing?