To think that I can’t work if DH won’t do any childcare?

[Crocuses]

DH is whinging about me being a SAHM, not working and not contributing my share. He keeps pointing out that SIL works so why can’t I? But he’s ignoring the fact that BIL does his share. He leaves work at his contracted finishing time 5pm and does half of the pickups. He works late on other days to give him enough flex time to be able to do half of the drop offs. He and his wife both took a week of unpaid parental leave when their youngest DC was ill. They take turns dealing with sick days. He does grocery shopping and ironing.

My DH thinks he’s so important and his company absolutely wouldn’t accept him asking for flex time or working from home or being off work, and it would affect his job security and progression. When I ask for any support he whinges that none of the other executives have to deal with childcare because they’re all so important. He finds it embarrassing to have to say “sorry I need to leave this meeting because my son needs picking up at 6pm”. He won’t even text me to say he’ll be late because it makes him look bad, and quite frankly he doesn’t want to. I’ve pointed out that if DS was with a childminder he couldn’t just be late without telling anyone, and he says but DS isn’t with a childminder, he’s with you and you’re his mother so you should just look after him, I shouldn’t have to give his mother a pickup time.

He’s never done a single night with DS because he’s so important, he has to be well slept. I broke my leg and he wouldn’t even take a day off when I went in for surgery, I had to beg an elderly neighbour to watch DC as a one off, and I had to request light anaesthesia because I couldn’t take time to rest afterwards. Even when I had food poisoning and was projective vomiting and begging him for help because I was too ill to look after the baby, he still went to work and left me.

I don’t see how I can work (especially not in the type of career job DH wants me to have) if I’m solely responsible for all pickups, drop offs, sick days, hospital appointments etc? No job is that flexible. And the bigger problem is that if I can’t work I’ll have no pension and no job for when DS grows up.

DH never takes his full holiday entitlement either, apparently they can’t spare him so they often just pay him for his missed holiday. They often phone and ask him to pop in to the office even when he’s officially on holiday. So I don’t see how I can work and cover school holiday childcare if he won’t take his holidays? And he does at least an hour of unpaid overtime every single day so I cook every meal because he isn’t home in time, I do all the grocery shopping and ironing. I don’t know how I can take on all of the family responsibilities and work too?

Why are people making excuses for him saying it’s because the op’s not working? Not taking time off work when the op was having surgery and when she had food poisoning is appalling. It really is.

Even that doesn't mean he won't do anything if OP works

A DH who will not do anything when the wife has a broken leg or is vomiting and unable to take care of the baby, and who has said he CAN'T take time off for childcare. What is more likely, he will not do anything when wife goes to work, or he will do a total 180 and become a prper parent? I'm taking bets here.

If he’s not stepping up now, he won’t step up if you get a job, or if you leave him. I speak from experience.

So I pay for child care and I do all the running around. I occasionally have friends and other parents who can help in an emergency, as her dad really won’t do that either. I guess it depends if you want to work and do the running around with him still there - personally that built resentment in my relationship where it was better to leave than to stay.

Sorry I've not had time to read all the posts.

I think you must play the long game here.

Do you have access to a joint account?

If I were you I'd find a local childminder that can do drop offs, pick ups from school and holidays.

Go back to work and pay her bill from the joint account.

He's making it hard by not engaging with parenting, but it will be so much harder if you don't get back into work and secure your own pension and career progression.

By paying from the joint account it doesn't matter if you spend out more than you earn, there will be enough to cover the childminder.

I'd also throw a cleaner into the mix too as he's unlikely to pull his weight with housework by the sound of things.

These are joint bills, straight out of the joint account.

You have to do this, for your future security. A man who has so little regard for his wife and child is not to be relied on.

But if you two split and had 50/50 contact, what would he do then?!

Your thread has made me so so angry.

I work for one of the largest organisations in the world. Our male CEO took a few months of parental leave when his kids were small. Our regional manager (in charge of 100+ people) takes emergency holiday when his wife is ill and can't look after his child. He is in late some days or leaves early because of school plays etc Most jobs, the more senior you are, the more flexibility you have.

It's not that he can't, it's because he doesnt want to. He doesnt care about you when you're having an operation or you're sick, and he doesnt care about your son being looked after by someone he doesn't know or that may not be fully capable.

He is also unlikely to get on great at his work because he is sexist and equates success purely with presenteeism, and if his treatment of you is anything to go by, he will be an unsympathetic boss who treats anyone 'below' him with disdain (the problem with this is one day one of those will be 'above' you and remember). If he was that great and important he would already earn enough for a nanny.

Also he cant have it both ways - a 1950s set up where children are nothing to do with him in the week, but a modern set up where the wife works and financially contributes as well.

Not telling you when he is going to be late etc is plain rude.

You say you don't want to leave for finances and for your child. He will have to pay maintenance if you split. You will manage. And children learn by example. I would leave purely because if you don't, you are going to be raising a son who thinks its completely normal for a dad who lives in the same house as you to have absolutely no involvement with his children. He will grow up and do the same.

I would look into childcare this year, get your son settled somewhere before he turns 3 and the free hours kick in (assuming your husband earns under 100k). Think about logistics so go for somewhere that is easy for you to pick up and drop off. Find a job and see if you can get some emergency support if you can (eg would your neighbour take your son if he was ill - the first year at nursery is bug after bug). Once everything is settled in your job and childcare get the hell away from this selfish sexist excuse for a man

I will eat my hat if a man who has shown so little interest in his child would ask for a 50-50 contact.

Instead, all you really want is a good moan and for people to say, 'he's such a dick', rather than to be given helpful advice and take any action.

I think she wanted people to agree that she shouldn't try to get a job.

What an absolute knob end.

How does he think you can fit in working, doing all the childcare, and all the housework?? And how does he think this is fair??

What a cock. How can you bear to live with someone so monumentally fucking useless? Leaving you vomiting/with a broken leg and going to work? Uncaring git.

Did you talk about how things would work after you had dc? Has he changed his mind since then?? Tell him his 'important job' won't be there to comfort him on his death bed. And neither will you or the dc.

Single mothers do work though
I know! How?! Surely they must have support from grandparents or aunties or receive additional benefits because I honestly don’t know how it’s possible.

Crocuses, single working motherhood is entirely achievable for you.
All you need to do is get rid of the non-child-caring DH, but retain the benefit of DH's Big Important ManJob.

Were you to divorce, he would need to pay maintenance, which you could spend on childcare. Top that up with your own job, tax credits, nursery credits etc ... you'll be fine.

You just need to decide if you want to stay with a man who says but DS isn’t with a childminder, he’s with you and you’re his mother so you should just look after him, I shouldn’t have to give his mother a pickup time., who has never once interrupted his Important ManSleep to tend to his child, who won't care for his post-surgery wife, who whinges about his wife being a SAHM but actively conspires to prevent her being able to work ...

... Surprise us all: tell us how much domestic drudge he does, how much of the mental load he carries, how much downtime he enjoys away from work ...

...& when are YOU ever 'allowed' to be off-duty? Do you even ever get to go out socially, if you have no family support & DH cannot possibly be expected to look after his own child?

Clear he’s not that important to the company if he doesn’t even earn enough to employ a nanny. If you go back to work will that be enough to cover the cost of a nanny? I know it’s an unappealing notion, working to just be able to afford to pay someone else to look after your child but it’s necessary. If you don’t keep your career alive this arsehole is going to leave you when he no longer needs free childcare. Until then he’s going to continue berating you.

But if you two split and had 50/50 contact, what would he do then?!
50/50 contact cannot be forced on someone who does not want it.
If the matter goes through the courts, the request of the parent with "more important" job is likely to be satisfied. If he wants two hours each Saturday and Sunday, he'll get it.

I'm sorry OP, but in the bluntest terms:

This man does not care about you.

He doesn't care about his son either.

Why are you married to him? What do you get out of it? (And I mean both now, and imagine yourself 10 years down the line).

It's time to take your head out of the sand.

I would run for the hills OP. Your "D"H is a willy waver of the highest order. I have nothing constructive to offer as it's already been said. Poor you and poor DS growing up with him as an example. Is that what you really want? Please start making preparations. Get a job, preferably one you enjoy as your life sounds miserable beyond belief, arrange childcare for your DS as if you were a single parent and start stashing the cash ready for your escape if you can't face leaving DH immediately.

Bloody hell what a total arsehole he is. I honestly don't think i would be able to see past him using a 75 year old woman (and not even a relative!) to care for his 2 year old whilst you had surgery. There's no way back from that kind of sheer, entitled utter twattery.

I'm glad you aren't having another baby with him, please don't. You'd defintely be better off alone.

If it helps my husband and I both work, and my husband has very demanding employers (US company) and works long hours. He earns 3 times what I do. We make it work by using a mix of, childminder, breakfast/afterschool clubs, holiday clubs and I only work 4 days a week.

We also do 50/50 on drop offs/pick ups - it works better for me to get in earlier so he gets the kids up and ready in the mornings and drops them off and I get into the office. I then do the other 'end' of the day and pick them up.

We do 50/50 for sickness and holiday cover too.

The fact he doesn't even take his holidays is weird, almost as if he resents his own family and doesn't want to spend time with you. Sack him off!

OP, you've accidentally had a baby with a misogynist.

Personally, I would dump him now, but I didn't do that when I was in your situation (dh wasn't even working ft, but he behaved exactly the same way yours does). If I had got out back then I would have saved myself an enormous amount of heartache and would have been better off now.

I am currently OK as dh has turned back into a human being instead of being an abusive arsehole but the cost to me has been immense, and dd - well, she's doing alright, brilliantly in fact, but she does have vulnerabilities which may not have been there had I done hte right thing back then.

Sounds like a fair few putting up with shit husbands, surely they aren't all oblivious to the red flags before they bring children into the world.
What have these kids ever done to deserve such bad fathers.
Why do women continue to become involved in the first place, is it the money, good provider etc?

So actually, he's NOT important at work at all.

If he was important and valued, he would be comfortable with having to do the odd pick up and work from home day, because he would know he was valued and people would accomodate him. All the 'important' men I know, absolutely take days off/work from home/adapt a little to accomodate family life. Not to the degree that a SAHP can do obviously, but when wife ill - absolutely.

The fact that he won't suggests he isn't important or valued at all, and is insecure.

He isn't important, but he is a knob who wants the glory of parenting without the trappings. Please tell him - from me - that parenting isn't just for instagram, it's for midnight vomit sheet changing teamwork, it's for mucking in when the chips are down, it's for supporting each other when someone is sick, it's for working late because you went in late so you could watch The Year 2 Assembly. It's for sending your wife to bed/the bath/the pub because she has been hard at it all day whilst you sat on your arse at a desk.

Tell him from me, to parent the fuck up.

You need to recognise this situation as untenable and think about how you want to change it.

But if you two split and had 50/50 contact, what would he do then?! As if, in reality, he'd get 50-50 contact. He'd probably do a day every other week and expect to be able to rearrange last minute if something comes up.

just a thought but are you sure he isn't taking his holidays? The way he treats you is not dissimilar to a husband of friend, who turned out to have a second family. He was so busy, unable to get time off, embarrassed to call when late, as he'd been screwing his mistress.
OP, this would not surprise me in the slightest.

Is anybody really needed so much at work unless they're a medic doing life or death work?

I think he is unreasonable.

Well aside from the fact that your husband sounds like a complete dick and I've absolutely no idea why are you staying with him (children certainly don't care if they have a big house or fancy holidays whatever you tell yourself!) you can either:
put up with the current situation and hope he doesn't suddenly want a divorce in years to come as you'll be royally screwed.
Or
Find a PT job at the weekend or leaving VERY early in the morning - both options leave her OH no choice but to parent and you're not relying on him for pick-ups.

I suspect you'll do nothing based on some misguided notion that your DS will be miserable if you separate. I don't suppose he'll even notice lack of father figure as he's never there anyway

he is a knob who wants the glory of parenting without the trappings

This!

Do you ever get any time to yourself op? I'll bet he doesn't let you go out on your own at the weekend etc.

It's no life for you or your son.

Not yet had chance to read the replies to your post but my husband is exactly the same as yours.
When we got together we both worked jobs that were equal. Me in an office, him in a warehouse.
When we had kids I became a sahm and he studied and changed career and is now senior management on a leadership team. I've now been a sahm for 8 years. For quite a while he made digs at me about how I should be working but exactly the same as you he wont/can't take time off. He has never had to do it. He's never done a drop off or pick up, never looked after them if poorly, doesn't come to assemblies etc, and works late and doesn't tell me. He actually is a fantastic dad but when he's in "work mode" he does not give us a second thought because he's never had to. I put up with these digs for a while then I pointed out all of what he would have to do if i returned to work and thankfully he stopped moaning at me. I am now disabled also so can't work anyway.
If your bored I would suggest hobbies or volunteering, or just enjoy the chance of being at home. If you really want to return to work, do it anyway and just inform him of what will be expected of him