To think that I can’t work if DH won’t do any childcare?

[Crocuses]

DH is whinging about me being a SAHM, not working and not contributing my share. He keeps pointing out that SIL works so why can’t I? But he’s ignoring the fact that BIL does his share. He leaves work at his contracted finishing time 5pm and does half of the pickups. He works late on other days to give him enough flex time to be able to do half of the drop offs. He and his wife both took a week of unpaid parental leave when their youngest DC was ill. They take turns dealing with sick days. He does grocery shopping and ironing.

My DH thinks he’s so important and his company absolutely wouldn’t accept him asking for flex time or working from home or being off work, and it would affect his job security and progression. When I ask for any support he whinges that none of the other executives have to deal with childcare because they’re all so important. He finds it embarrassing to have to say “sorry I need to leave this meeting because my son needs picking up at 6pm”. He won’t even text me to say he’ll be late because it makes him look bad, and quite frankly he doesn’t want to. I’ve pointed out that if DS was with a childminder he couldn’t just be late without telling anyone, and he says but DS isn’t with a childminder, he’s with you and you’re his mother so you should just look after him, I shouldn’t have to give his mother a pickup time.

He’s never done a single night with DS because he’s so important, he has to be well slept. I broke my leg and he wouldn’t even take a day off when I went in for surgery, I had to beg an elderly neighbour to watch DC as a one off, and I had to request light anaesthesia because I couldn’t take time to rest afterwards. Even when I had food poisoning and was projective vomiting and begging him for help because I was too ill to look after the baby, he still went to work and left me.

I don’t see how I can work (especially not in the type of career job DH wants me to have) if I’m solely responsible for all pickups, drop offs, sick days, hospital appointments etc? No job is that flexible. And the bigger problem is that if I can’t work I’ll have no pension and no job for when DS grows up.

DH never takes his full holiday entitlement either, apparently they can’t spare him so they often just pay him for his missed holiday. They often phone and ask him to pop in to the office even when he’s officially on holiday. So I don’t see how I can work and cover school holiday childcare if he won’t take his holidays? And he does at least an hour of unpaid overtime every single day so I cook every meal because he isn’t home in time, I do all the grocery shopping and ironing. I don’t know how I can take on all of the family responsibilities and work too?

I guarantee that he’ll expect you to pay for all the daycare/nanny costs, still do all the wife work, take off work when your child is ill and probably use all your wages towards the bills.

He’s a wanker.

All those solutions you've provided to the things I mentioned rely on him...that's the whole problem. If he won't, the op will be running herself ragged.

The solutions don't rely on him leaving early which is probably the main problem. I appreciate he will take days off at the moment with notice but OP doesn't know that he won't she is working.

A cleaner doesn't absolve anyone of general day to day household chores.

It's considerably reduces them! My father had high-powered job and didn't contribute to anything around the house so my mother just employed a cleaner three times a week so that she could work. Even if it had once been one day a week that would have made a big difference.

Dinner will still need to be cooked. Laundry will still need to be done. A daily wipe round of the kitchen surfaces will need to be done. Appointments for kids will need to be organised. The kids will have dress up days that need to be planned for. They'll have assemblies and sports days and homework.

OP only has one child to organise and laundry and dinner aren't a huge job.

It's a bit of a joke that you as a SAHM you are telling people who work that it's not possible to do these things and work without running yourself ragged.

If he can’t even text me to say don’t put the chicken in yet, how can he ring a childminder to say he’ll be late? Or walk out and go to collect DS

Won't. The word is won't not can't.

He is a dickhead. This is why you have to work in a well paid job asap. Hire a nanny. Reduce your lifestyle to pay for the nanny, preferably in ways that hurt him more than you.

Only one way to test it OP.

Go and apply for a role in whatever your career path was.

When you have a job offer, tell your DH the contracted hours etc. Offer up a workable childcare compromise (e.g. you collect, he drops).

If he says "no, you must do both". Point out how it is impossible for you to attend the contracted hours and do this. If he continues to protest, explain that you obviously cannot work full time then.

I've come across this with a lot of men i work with. They literally have not thought about the logistics until a real life situation is set out in front of them. At which point they either realise they must do some drop offs, or back off asking their partner to work.

OP, honestly, why did he want a child? He isn't prepared to make any kind of sacrifice towards their upbringing. He sounds like he doesn't want to be a parent. He sounds like he wants your son in Nursery out of the way so you can have an income boost - (does he realise how expensive Nursery/childcare is?!) OR he thinks it's unfair that he has to work all day whilst you sit around doing...haha, wait for it... "nothing!"....

What I will say is that you need a safety net for if you break up. If you become a single parent you will need to go to work and use childcare at some point - and like you, I do, honestly wonder how it's done.

Single working mums incredibly lucky to find a job and childcare and a way to make it all work. I can't do it.

My ex decided to change his mind after his sons were born, and I'm a single parent now. No support whatsoever. I threw away my Nursery Nursing, don't work currently because both my boys suffer with their health so much. DS1 is suffering with extreme anxiety due to his dad leaving and being bullied (thoughts of self harm) and has had so many days off already due to panic attacks and vomiting and migraines. DS2 needs a big surgery at some point, and it's 6 weeks at least at home recovery. What I wouldn't give to have two healthy children in school, childcare, friends, a job, and a daily routine like that. I get sneered at constantly. Some days I just can't.

I really really hope you can find a way to make it work because being a single parent is one of the hardest ways to live unless you have a huge amount of flexibility/support.

Ps, I'm not excusing this. But you need to give him one chance to be faced with the reality (not "maybe" type discussions). If be doesn't man up you LTB.

He’s an arse but you are, by your own admission, willing to put up with it for the money. I hope the nice house compensates you for turning your DS into an arsehole as big as his dad’s. You will probably regret it when he grows up and treats you with disdain and zero respect, just like his dad.

I find it amazing that anyone could stay in a relationship where they are constantly belittled and put down. As for not looking after you and making an elderly neighbour mind your son, shame on him. That's not love, that's cruel.

Tell him the 1950s called and want their stereotype back.

Christ my sister is married to a consultant surgeon and when she got a big job too he rearranged his work to cover when childminder couldn’t and all jobs 50/50. Can’t imagine this prat’s job more “important” than BILs

@Crocuses

Despite many people suggesting you could do x,y&z with childcare and go back to work let's face it even if you did go back to work it'll still be you doing all the housework/shopping/washing/ironing/errand running and taking care of your child when you're not at work,you'd still be in the same situation only they'll be a job to add to the stressful mix.

From what you've put on here he sounds like a narcissistic arse.

It's a bit of a joke that you as a SAHM you are telling people who work that it's not possible to do these things and work without running yourself ragged

It's possible but if you work full time, have children, no wider family support and you're a single parent or your partner is not supportive, then yes, you'll cope but you'll be knackered and stressed. No need to go through that if you don't have to.

OP it's a bit strange your further posts are just more and more complaints about your DH and you haven't addressed why you are with this peach of a man?

How are you married to a guy who thinks he's that far above you OP? His attitude stinks

Type up an invoice this afternoon childcare... cleaning... meal prep... etc

I haven’t read all of this but it’s rather flippant to suggest OP just get a job and a nanny? It’s not that bloody easy. If she enters an average wage job then how’s she affording a nanny (if you don’t take in to account her husband’s salary)

I feel so sorry for you, OP. This is a terrible position and it’s leaving you very vulnerable. He’s an absolute bastard of the highest order. I’d suggest leaving the bastard but I know it’s not that easy. Just wanted to say you have my support and sympathy.

Every time he mentions it ask him to employ a nanny. I would say employ a nanny and I will, no problem.

He sounds like an arse

Leave your husband.
I can't comprehend that people are treated like this, and wouldn't leave?
I understand it'd be so hard, but my goodness I couldn't be with someone who cared so little about me, and so much about themselves.

I have only heard about this "other men don't do it" bullshit on here. OF COURSE other men do! DH does loads both with the kids and around the house; we take it in turn to have days off when ds is ill; he will happily come home from work and cook dinner even though I'm on mat leave atm as he knows it's hard to get stuff done with a newborn and toddler. My friend had a baby recently and is bottle feeding so even though her husband is back at work he does half the night feeds every night - and get this, because he wants to! He misses his daughter when he's at work and enjoys his nighttime cuddles. In fact I'd say this attitude is very much the norm amongst my and dh's friends. Do not believe this bollocks from him! It is not true.

The fact that he wouldn’t be father and husband when you had surgery means he’s an absolute cunt. I had surgery, she dropped everything x

I am loving the "just get a job OP" replies. The H is not going to suddenly meet his responsibilities because OP now has a paid job. He will still expect her to do everything. You cannot force someone to become a decent parent and partner ffs.

OP, honestly, in your shoes I'd be looking at how feasible it was to end the relationship now.

Have you considered that your DH is looking for a way out of your marriage and figures you being in full time employment would be better for him if you divorce?

He doesn’t seem to respect you or look after you when’s you need him,, so if I were you then I would look at how to best protect your interests, maybe retrain and start siphoning a bit of money away somewhere safe that he doesn’t know about

The Op has got to get a job. No question. Because at present she has zero income and is tied to a cunt. She has got to get a job so she can get on her own feet and get away from him.

Not contributing your share but your a sahm hahahahaha. You're doing more than you fair share, see how much he'd like it if he knew the cost of childcare. What an idiot.

I would do up a very detailed rota of all the household chores, divided exactly in half. Once he commits to his half you can start looking for a job. He won't of course.

To be frank, my DH is dead and it looks like he’s more help with the kids than yours is.