To think that I can’t work if DH won’t do any childcare?

[Crocuses]

DH is whinging about me being a SAHM, not working and not contributing my share. He keeps pointing out that SIL works so why can’t I? But he’s ignoring the fact that BIL does his share. He leaves work at his contracted finishing time 5pm and does half of the pickups. He works late on other days to give him enough flex time to be able to do half of the drop offs. He and his wife both took a week of unpaid parental leave when their youngest DC was ill. They take turns dealing with sick days. He does grocery shopping and ironing.

My DH thinks he’s so important and his company absolutely wouldn’t accept him asking for flex time or working from home or being off work, and it would affect his job security and progression. When I ask for any support he whinges that none of the other executives have to deal with childcare because they’re all so important. He finds it embarrassing to have to say “sorry I need to leave this meeting because my son needs picking up at 6pm”. He won’t even text me to say he’ll be late because it makes him look bad, and quite frankly he doesn’t want to. I’ve pointed out that if DS was with a childminder he couldn’t just be late without telling anyone, and he says but DS isn’t with a childminder, he’s with you and you’re his mother so you should just look after him, I shouldn’t have to give his mother a pickup time.

He’s never done a single night with DS because he’s so important, he has to be well slept. I broke my leg and he wouldn’t even take a day off when I went in for surgery, I had to beg an elderly neighbour to watch DC as a one off, and I had to request light anaesthesia because I couldn’t take time to rest afterwards. Even when I had food poisoning and was projective vomiting and begging him for help because I was too ill to look after the baby, he still went to work and left me.

I don’t see how I can work (especially not in the type of career job DH wants me to have) if I’m solely responsible for all pickups, drop offs, sick days, hospital appointments etc? No job is that flexible. And the bigger problem is that if I can’t work I’ll have no pension and no job for when DS grows up.

DH never takes his full holiday entitlement either, apparently they can’t spare him so they often just pay him for his missed holiday. They often phone and ask him to pop in to the office even when he’s officially on holiday. So I don’t see how I can work and cover school holiday childcare if he won’t take his holidays? And he does at least an hour of unpaid overtime every single day so I cook every meal because he isn’t home in time, I do all the grocery shopping and ironing. I don’t know how I can take on all of the family responsibilities and work too?

@Crocuses, I'd say get back to work. Find a way to make it work as if you were a single mum. Bring in a CM, swaps with other mums/flexi time.
And then reassess of your dh actually brings anything to the family at all.
And please tell your dh about it. He might need to realise that being a 'father' ( and i use that term loosely as he probably doesnt do lot 'because he doesnt know the routine/ds wants to see you/he cant calm him down/ he needs to relax and rest too) at weekends means actually more for you and him treating as a maid/nanny that he is refusing to pay.

It is clear that his job is more important than his child OP

Btw I do belive that as a after and a partner, he shouod be doing hisfair share. And that this is what should happen first and foremost.

Theproblem here for me is that, by not working, you are making yourself vulnerable. As you said yourself, you cant support yourself financially so you cant actually easily tell him to buckle up or fuck off because he knows well you wont do that.
Unfortuantely, being financially independant is also about regaining power in the relationship and have more cars to play at your disposition.

It IS crap to have to think like this. However, when said men think they are above their partners and can get away with murder, having weapons/tools to keep them in check is necessary :(

Crocuses
It really sounds like you are in a no win situation. You remain as a SAHM and he complains.

You go back to work, you do all child/house care plus childminder/preschool clubs/holiday club drop off and pick ups for a low status, low income job and he is still very likely to complain. Either that work is not done around the house, or that you're expecting too much from him, or that you're not bringing in enough money.

The money that you earn will likely not be enough to go into (your) savings but more likely be swallowed up by general household bills.You may have some going into a pension, but it will be a very small amount. If he leaves you, your salary will be consider part of the financial equation and you'll get less / no maintenance.

He sounds depressingly familiar from witnessing friend's marriages. This man's identify is tied to work and money. Not his wife or child. Going back to work is not going to change that.

There are many advantages to work in terms of self confidence, a social network, some financial independence and so on. But ultimately do what's best for your DS and you. And you know what, many kids would really be happy to have a SAHM who has more time and patience for them and not always stressed out and rushing. You can always look for work later when it suits you better.

I’m honestly aghast that you’re managing to maintain any resemblance of a functioning relationship with this cretin.

My husband was INSISTENT that he wanted kids. We had one four years into our marriage. He was dad of the year for the first year then ditched all child related duties as he got a “corporate “ job whereby he was indispensable. Worked early hours through to late nights 6 days a week. Refused to take holidays. Basically be became a stranger in our lives.

I binned him and 6 months later he had a heart attack despite being young, a healthy BMI, exercising all day on Sundays (his one sacred day off) and eating extremely healthy meals. It was stress induced.

You need to seriously consider if your marriage is worth anything.

Before and after school care OP.
You could try a job like a TA too.

I can’t get my head around this its pissed me off to no end.

Unless he’s a surgeon and a patients life’s at stake or a pilot responsible for a plane full of people mid flight OF COURSE he can make a phone call. Of course he can. He’s CHOOSING not to, that is his choice because he’s a first class self entitled bell end.

I’m sorry OP this has really wound me up. Your poor child.

I wonder how he’ll cope when you’ve finally had a bough of being his maid and his servant whilst he gets his own way and he ends up a single parent and he’s forced to sort out childcare and everything that comes with parenthood. He can’t say he can’t then!

I've come across this with a lot of men i work with. They literally have not thought about the logistics until a real life situation is set out in front of them. At which point they either realise they must do some drop offs, or back off asking their partner to work.

This. He wants you to do what you are doing now, all the childcare and all the housework and all the wifework, but also get back on your career path and bring decent money into the family. And without any inconvenience to him. Ask him how.

Yanbu.

It isn't the same as being a single parent because she has a 'D'H that also expects looking after.

Tbh I really dislike men like that and I couldn't share a house with one.

It is shocking how he treats you

The question is, why do you accept it? Are you very meek? Is he the dominant one in your relationship?

What do YOU want to do? If you want to work, get a job and force DH to do his share. All couples I know where both parents work equally, start with the job and then fit the kids around it (suing childminders, au-pairs, next door neighbour's teens to babysit, unpaid leave etc.). If you start with the limitations of child pick-up times etc it becoems hard to find a job.

So decided what you want. Then do that.

I was a sahm for 10 years (whilst DH worked late, was able to go abroad at the drop of a hat, entertained clients etc etc without restrictions), and if DH would have whinged at me for not earning money, I would probably have left him. And then found a job (divorce first, get a job once that is settled)

seriously. Take no shit

What a selfish, arrogant cunt. Who the hell does he think he is?

well, it's not so much that you can't work but without support at home it would be bloody miserable. imo if you are going to do everything inc earn money you are happier going alone as then at least you don't have to look at (or pick up after etc) the selfish fucker as well as your kids.

as per many many others he sounds like an absolute treat as in, what is he bringing to the family other than his income? if it were me i'd RTW and use my new found independence to LTB.

There are a lot of people here comparing OP’s situation if she goes back to work with a that of a single parent. Just want to add that it’s massively different in two important than ways: (1) obviously money but also (2) a single parent who has finished work and got the child to sleep is then in control of her own time and doesn’t then have to cook posh meal for overly critical husband who arrives home after 9pm / do all the housework that the husband generates with his laundry / cups and plates left all around house etc etc. What I’m getting at is that if OP went back to work she would not only be doing all the childcare and all the child related work similar a single parent (an incredible load already!), she would ALSO be doing all the shopping/ cooking/ cleaning/ humouring/ emotional supporting of another adult who arrives making demands at weird hours. Can’t plan own evenings/weekends, no time when child is in care of other parent, etc etc. Going back to work but continuing to live with a workaholic isn’t realistic.

er it might be "easier" to be a single mother than to have to deal with his BS. If you separated he would suddenly find himself having to be "on duty" to his kid(s). i.e. if he wanted to see them he would have to look after them - and oh dear, he might have to get up in the night. God, I think I would have left by now if he such an entitled prick - unless he earns enough to PAY for childcare - could you afford a nanny or au pair. Your life would be a lot nicer. Then again, why do you want to be with such a self-interested egocentric asshole??!!!

do you ever imagine leaving him? skysblue is right, it is bloody hard being a single parent, but at the end of the day, when dc's are in bed, your time (and the remote lol) are your own, and you don't get put down by anyone. No one criticising your appearance or housework or meals. It's blissful after being with a controlling F***

You'd be better off as a single parent because you wouldn't have Mr 'too important for anything domestic' to shop, cook, clean & launder for. Does he think you're staff? Actually no, he doesn't even rank your daily contribution important enough to even think of you as that.

I think it's time to go on strike for a few days & leave him home alone with the kids. He'd then get a taste of real life.

If he is so indispensable at work they will want to keep him so will accommodate some flexibility.

There is another thought that says he can't leave work early to child care or ring to say he will be late because he is actually doing something else....

I would actually tell him your marriage will end over his refusal to do his share at home if you go back to work. Make it clear he will have the child 50% of the time if that happens, so he'll have to do even more than you're asking from him now. Good luck with that.

he's being an utter cunt. He can't ask you to work (which you need to do, frankly, as your marriage is probably doomed if he doesn't change his attitude), AND tell you you're still in charge of all things child and home. No way.

but you do need to work to protect yourself from someone with the attitude he has. You'll be screwed down the line if you don't financially. Which is why I suggest telling him now it will be 50/50 and you're seeing a solicitor. Bet he figures out how to cope!

I am a SAHM. When I left my job our childcare bill for our two children was £400 a week. Childcare cost us more a week than our mortgage did a month. I may not be bringing a wage into our household, but I am saving us a considerable amount of money. When I was working, due to mine and my DH hours, we needed to run 2 cars. Now that I am at home we only need one. So the total cost to the household of me working (2nd car + childcare) was more than the wage I was adding into the household (me and husband split everything but it's all the same pot so they still cancelled each other out)

When I was working, I worked shift work and out of hours (lots of night shifts, weekends, bank holidays, christmas day, generally unsociable hours as well as day time hours during the week).
This involved us having our kids in a nursery while also heavily relying on family members for outside nursery hours and paying baby sitters for when no family members were available. Our kids were chucked pillar to post, miserable and unsettled. We were both run ragged and stressed out. I often skipped nights sleep when on nightshift. My husband worked 16 hour days and by the time he was lifting the kids they'd been passed around 3 or 4 different people and were frazzled and difficult (understandably so) which made getting them dinner and the night time routine so much harder (plus he was on his own and exhausted himself.)

We tried finding more flexible jobs, cutting our hours, hiring a nanny and a cleaner but none of these worked out for us. So for people suggesting just hire and nanny and a cleaner, good for you being able to afford those, not everybody can. To people suggesting just get a part time, flexible, work from home job, where exactly can I just magic one of these up from? Why do people work themselves to breaking point if you can click your fingers and make one of these jobs appear? These are just so unrealistic.

We made the decision together that I would stay home. Our lives have been so much better. We have quality family time. We can eat dinner together every night. Have family days out. We have weekends together. We have time for our marriage as well as time for ourselves. I can stay on top of the housework. My children are so happy and settled. They have time now for ballet and clubs that we would never have had time for before. Quality of life is not directly related to MONEY, for us, our luxuries and wealth come from TIME.

That being said, the common factor that made both my working and not working feasible is a supportive husband.

When I was working he stepped up just as much as I did, made the same sacrifices as I did, and covered the same costs as I did. Not as a favour. Not out of the goodness of his heart. Because we are equals, partners. We are both parents to our children.

Now I am not working, he fully appreciates that what I am doing at home is still work. If the kids have been sick and I've spent nights up with him, he'll make sure I get a lie in at the weekends or an early night during the week. When hes home he helps bath the kids for bed, or will do the dishes after dinner or stick a wash on without being asked because he lives here too, we are both parents and we are equal partners. I'll make sure he has time for the gym and his nights out with his mates, and he equally make sure I have time for my volunteering and my friends.

He also listens to me when I sometimes regret leaving work, feel judged for not working by other mums (I find a lot of that on here), and sometimes like I feel like I've lost a bit of my identity since being "just a mum."

He recognises how hard it is at home. And that I'm not just lying about all day doing nothing. That I'm on my feet all day. running about after everybody all day. It is work. He also understands the hit my career has taken by being out of the work force to raise our kids. And also my earning potential has taken a hit too. Yes he is out working long days, and I'm.not contributing financially to the house, but he still benefits greatly from me being at home. We both appreciate what the other does, and we compliment what the other does. We dont have to be doing the same, and contributing the same to be a team.

I am currently pregnant with our third (and final) child. The condition being that he supported me going back to university to retrain. He has been so supportive of this, understanding that working isnt just a financial thing but also a mental one, tied to my identity. It was him who found my volunteering job which will help me get onto my course, and its him who facilitates me going.

For any of these scenarios to work requires us to trust each other, be supportive, communicative and be a good team. We both make sacrifices (and acknowledge each other sacrifices) and work hard (and acknowledge each others hard work).

My husband says that he contributes the money to our family, and I contribute the time. Both of these together are what gives our family balance. We need them both. And have been so much happier with both.

What you are lacking is support from your husband. As many other have said, yes it will be possible for you to work. But is it practical? Does it benefit your family? Does it benefit your husband? Does it benefit you? Will you be happy? Will your family have a time/money balance?

You need to have a husband you can trust fully if you are going to be financially dependent on him. You need to make decisions together. You need to support each other. You need to see the value in time as well as money.

Sounds like a selfish fucker. Get back to work so you can be financially independent, divorce him, stick him with the kids every other weekend and enjoy some well deserved time off!

Nodzmily support worked.
Go to work ger a full time nanny his Very Important Job can pay the nanny.
Simplest.
Then rethink your life with him because he is nasty.

There are 3 Main types of DH? Those who are bums and do very little of anything, except drink, watch TV, and have very little income. Those doing a 9-5 job with weekends off, spend time with the kids, and just about manage to pay the bills. And last of all those who work 6 days a week, come home late, complain about something, earn enough to have one or two holidays a year, but never gets involved with childcare, cooking, or pets. If your DH is one of the rare kinds, earning an above average wage, and who still has the energy and enthusiasm to help out with the domestic chores, never let him go.

I work because I like it & its "mine" if that makes sense. However I changed careers & am pt & TT0 plus my commute is 15 mins. I also have a great childminder & family who are close & very hands on. When I started in my new career my salary didn't cover childcare but DH could support us. I definitely recognise that not everyone has those options & although i'm a huge advocate of women continuing to work for some families it's difficult.

Sorry not read the full thread but get back to work and for the love of god don't have another child with him. He has made my skin crawl just by reading this to be honest.

Can you afford to pay for a nanny/nursery etc?

Why are you married to him?
He's sounds like a knob, a selfish one at that