To want to Eat dinner as a family

[kmini]

Would like us to sit down and eat dinner together. Probably not every night (the kids are not going to appreciate the expensive meals or the spicey ones!) - but most nights.

Main reason that prompted me was DS (5) and DD (2) are both picky eaters in their own ways, so I'm hopeful it would encourage better eating habits seeing us eat dinner . As a side benefit, it really something that I always intended to be part of family life but I suppose I've just continued our baby/toddler routine and never really committed to it before.

Anyway - after a week of dinners between 6.15 and 6.45 with the kids rather than our usual 8 PM - DH says tonight that he's really not hungry at this time and would prefer not to eat till later.

He says he's happy to sit at the table and agrees about what I'm trying to achieve with family meal time and improving their pickiness - he just wants to actually eat his meal later.

I feel like this really defeats the purpose. AIBU?

His reasons are:

• he's not hungry
• he's too busy with work at the moment to ensure that he eats at a time that means he's hungry at 6.15
• it makes him snack around 9 pm
• he doesn't think he needs to eat with the kids to create a family meal or change their eating behaviours

Can i get your opinions?

Those saying it's "so important" that the whole family eats together every evening and that OP's DH sitting with the family but not eating is "not good enough", you must realise that eating together every evening is simply not possible for many families?

My two DC (6yo and 15mo) are both starving by 5pm (even if they have a snack after school pick up) and are ready for bed by 7pm. DH is usually home from work at 7pm, just in time to read them a bedtime story which the older one often falls asleep half way through! I'm not going to force over-tired kids to stay up late so we can all eat dinner at the same time just to make some sort of point about family togetherness. So I sit at the table with the kids while they have tea at 5pm and then DH and I eat after they've gone to bed during the week.

We eat meals together at weekends. The kids aren't fussy eaters and they're perfectly capable of behaving themselves in a restaurant. It doesn't seem to have done the kids any damage! Somehow we seem to function perfectly well as a family unit without eating tea together every night.

Why should he? Because he's a family man whose actions affect more than just himself.

That's literally like saying why should he ever be considerate of what anyone else wants or needs, or why should he try to get home early to help his child with homework if it's the subject he's better at than his partner. Ridiculous.

Why should he? Because he's a family man whose actions affect more than just himself.

What long-term consequences do you think him sitting at the table with his DC but not eating will actually have on them, exactly?

That's literally like saying why should he ever be considerate of what anyone else wants or needs, or why should he try to get home early to help his child with homework if it's the subject he's better at than his partner.

Are you really comparing a man sitting down while his DC eat but not eating himself, to a man choosing not to come home to help his DC with their homework? How are the two even remotely comparable?

He's not hungry at 6pm. He shouldn't have to sit and force a meal down himself just to placate the OP. Plenty of parents are still at work when their DC eat dinner. Plenty of children eat their evening meal at nursery or at the childminder, or in after school club. Eating a family meal at night isn't in any way a necessity.

I can see both sides. My kids are 3 and 2, they have dinner at 6pm, then bath and bed by 8pm. On days where I work we don't get in till 7pm so that is when the kids eat and so bed time is later. Our kids dont yet feed themselves in any meaningful way which means one parent has to sit with them encouraging them (usually dh) whilst I am heating up or finishing prepping our own dinner. We do usually eat alongside the kids but it isn't always enjoyable. After a hard days work I would rather feed the kids and get them to bed even if it means me eating later, at least then my food will be warm and I can actually enjoy eating it rather than seeing it as a chore. I dont think you have a right to dictate when your oh should eat you have tried earlier meal times and he isn't keen, that might well change but for now leave him to it.

I think this is why I have gotten my back up a bit - we normally agree on most things which are for the good of the kids and our little unit. This time it just seemed to be about what he wants.

This sounds extremely controlling. You sound like you’re used to getting your own way.

You’re trying to blackmail him into doing what you want, based on it being ‘for the good of the kids and our little unit’.

But he is part of that unit too, and it’s not good for him.

He’s tried it and it doesn’t work. If he’s snacking before bed that could well damage his health - do you want that?

I would not be happy if my husband started to try to dictate the times at which I could eat - and I’m fairly sure such a relationship would be labelled controlling and abusive if someone posted on AIBU about it.

So why is it ok when the genders are the other way round?

We had to eat at around 7.30 pm as that was when we got back from work. Either DH or I would pick up DS from my Mum's at about 6-6.30 (She would probably have given him a slice of toast and/or banana at about 4.30] then by the time we had dinner on the table it would be about 7.30.
I went back to work when he was about 8 months old.
We always ate as a family and DS either ate what we ate or a simplified version, puréed veg etc, when very young. It was hugely important for us, family time, unwinding together and conversation. Still is.

Can see why we've come 'a cropper' on this one as there a lots of divided opinions!

Thanks for all the positive suggestions. I think as some of you suggest - just try to make it work where we can. Prioritise on the weekend. I think I will try to eat with them most nights to see if i can reduce the pickiness.

For context we both work from home - so almost always home by 5 - he's just on site in the morning and he never knows how long it will be - so sometimes he'll be home by 11 and I'll make him lunch other times he'll be grabbing some toast at 2. So to be fair to him - I understand why he might not always be hungry. We live rather remotely and kids dont do any nightime activity - so our evenings are most spent at home and eating at 6/6.30 is really not an imposition other than DH and my preferences and the kids have certainly responded positively to it.

Also to reiterate - having dinner at 6 is not my ideal either but I was willing to eat earlier and not have our 'us' time over dinner because I thought the overall benefit to the family (through shared meals) and particularly the kids was far far great than my preferences. Sorry that's probably the economist in me - the cost benefit analysis of it far outweighed a little change in eating routine!

Perhaps I am being a bit stubborn in my approach. I think I stuck to my guns on this one becuase it wasnt for my 'good' it was for the kids and creating dinner time traditions/standards. No judgment to any family that doesn't feel the need or find ways to make it work - it was just something I thought was a positive thing for us to aspire to and hopefully beneficial for the kids eating habits.

To those who so 'helpfully' made remarks about me being controlling/abusive or to those that made assumptions about that state of play in our marriage. Thank you for your contribution. I know I shouldn't let those things bother me given I am posting in this forum - but really harsh and unnecessary. I think some of your comments showed more vitriol than the DH and my discussion about the issue . We are very happily married and I am most certainly not controlling. We are good - but just to appease your clear concern I will check whether he feels I am controlling.

Thanks again for all the lovely replies.

So could you compromise and move your dinner time back a little to around 7 or 7.15 ish and see how that goes?

I’m guessing your eldest is in school so yes, I think you should all be eating together as a family. I don’t think it matters too much when they’re toddlers and generally eat at random times (some days just prefer smaller snacks to meals etc) but once in school it does matter to have that family time and routine.

6:30 pm is a normal time to eat dinner in many households, inform him that the Queen eats hers at 5pm!

My DH doesn't even get home until well after 7.30! So we can't have family meals in the week. I eat with the kids on my non working day and then we eat all together at 5.30pm on the weekends. That's just the only way we can do it at the moment. Mine are 4 and 6. I just don't think they could wait until 7.30pm to eat! Plus they are at after school club or childminder on a lot of week days. It's very tricky as I agree family meals are important.

His compromise is great for now. I often just have a cup of tea while DC have their tea, and eat later. As long as you are all sitting around the table this is what matters IME.

I would reevaluate family dinner at 7/7.30ish when DC2 starts school (possibly after the first term, as they tend to be exhausted.)

I am always astounded at people who eat at 8 in the evening! I would have committed murder by that time. Actually, I'm usually in bed by then!

Anyway, your DH thinking most adults eat at 8pm is crazy to me!

Ds is at school and eating after 7 on a regular basis is really not ideal. They really need to be asleep no later than 7.30 and they seem to take longer to wind down if we eat later and therefore not to sleep until closer to 8.

We usually eat as a family between 5.30 and 6.30. I know it’s early but it means we have DS(16 months) in bed by 7, and any housework done by 7.30 so get a decent evening to ourselves (usually one of us needs to fit a training session - run/bike in at this time so eating first works well). Sometimes we might have an evening snack or save dessert until he’s in bed. We’re early risers/early to bed so it works well for us. I can understand how if you’re not going to bed until say 11, it might be more difficult! Could you both sit down and have a small meal/snack with DCs and then eat a proper (but smaller) evening meal later?

I think it is over rated.

If sitting down to a family meal is the only time that family members communicate then fair enough.

It isn't the be all and end all though.
The fabric of family communication can be strengthened in other ways- there is no magical thing about sitting eating together- especially if some family members are there grudgingly because they are not hungry.

We eat together as a family almost never.

OH rarely gets back before 8pm, hectic schedules- which increase as childen get older, after school and evening activities,often means eating on the hoof, warming stuff up later but the chances of everyone even being at home at the same time to eat is rare.

Asking people to change schedules, cancel activities, come home early from work or eat when they are not hungry just so everyone can have a "Waltons" type family dinner every night is silly.

Good relationships between family members can be maintained in other ways.

I couldn't eat at 6pm either!

I completely agree with your DH. It's also so much easier to teach table manners and concentrate on the kids when you have your own diner later.
You can eat lunch as a family at the weekend, surely that's more than enough.

Why don't you do it at weekends, Bank Holidays and holidays? Alternatively just do it with you and children and leave DH out. I'd put his dinner on a plate and he can reheat it later at his convenience!

When kids were very little we all always ate together between 6.30-7pm, based on us both getting back from work/children from nursery at about 6pm and then me starting to cook. That stayed as the normal tea time right until children were teenagers.

We were able to manage it ok as the kids weren't early risers so it was fine for them to go to bed 8-8.30 ish as they wouldn't have to be up till 7.45 the next day.

I agree with you that it can be good for you all as a family to eat together. My parents commented on my children's good table manners recently and I think this is down to us eating as a family.

However, we haven't always managed it and we still don't some days owing to kids's activities like Scouts and Brownies or work commitments (I'm not home till 7 some days by which time the others may have eaten and gone out).

Why not try it on weekends and then on weekdays you can eat with them and save your DH a meal to reheat. They'll benefit whether it's one or both of you.

We eat every meal together at the table and everyone stays at the table together until we’re all finished.
This was put in place when we moved to a house with a large enough table to accommodate us all. Before the children needed to eat first for space reasons. I have noticed a massive difference in the children’s eating habits and table manners, definitely worth doing.

There is no way we can manage a family dinner that early in the week. But I totally agree with your reason for wanting to and we make sure we have at least 2 meals together at the weekend wherever possible. Sometimes we do a roast around 3.30 which is then DS's (he is 2) dinner and he has toast or something around 6 or we all have lunch together or sometimes an early dinner. Would you be able to do this? He does definitely eat better with us and when he's a bit older I'm hoping we can manage one or 2 weeknights too.

At that age my kids would have found 6.15pm too late for their evening meal.

I sat with them, and talked with them (and read poetry if they were very good - actually it was to cover up eating noises, which I hate) as they had their evening meal anywhere between 4.30 and 5.30.

We had our meal later, around 7, 7.30.

Family time is important, but so is couple time.

As they got older their meal time got later, their tastes got more in line with ours, and we always eat together as a family now, although not necessarily at the table. Although if certain members don't pull their socks up about table manners, they're going to find we're eating all our sodding evening meals at the table until they do. . . teenagers. They've reverted to being trolls.

Adults do eat early, we eat as a family at 5.30 otherwise bathtime and bedtime ends up too late.

I eat with the kids for all the reasons you have outlined. My husband doesn’t for the same reasons as your husband. He and I eat together later on a Saturday. We eat Sunday tea all together as a family l. It doesn’t really bother me that my husband eats later during the week. It used to annoy him that we don’t eat together but since the children’s eating habits have massively improved he now respects that it’s right that I eat with them.

Can your dh have a salad or some veg with the kids at 6? That’s what I end up doing if I’m not hungry whilst dc are eating. So that I can model healthy eating, and be present at the table. Also means I’m not so focussed on what exactly the dc are eating (which imo is unhealthy for all involved)