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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to Eat dinner as a family

112 replies

kmini · 14/01/2020 22:55

Would like us to sit down and eat dinner together. Probably not every night (the kids are not going to appreciate the expensive meals or the spicey ones!) - but most nights.

Main reason that prompted me was DS (5) and DD (2) are both picky eaters in their own ways, so I'm hopeful it would encourage better eating habits seeing us eat dinner . As a side benefit, it really something that I always intended to be part of family life but I suppose I've just continued our baby/toddler routine and never really committed to it before.

Anyway - after a week of dinners between 6.15 and 6.45 with the kids rather than our usual 8 PM - DH says tonight that he's really not hungry at this time and would prefer not to eat till later.

He says he's happy to sit at the table and agrees about what I'm trying to achieve with family meal time and improving their pickiness - he just wants to actually eat his meal later.

I feel like this really defeats the purpose. AIBU?

His reasons are:

he's not hungry
he's too busy with work at the moment to ensure that he eats at a time that means he's hungry at 6.15
it makes him snack around 9 pm
he doesn't think he needs to eat with the kids to create a family meal or change their eating behaviours

Can i get your opinions?

OP posts:

lifesnotaspectatorsport · 15/01/2020 06:51

I think maybe you're making too big a deal of it. Your eldest is still only 5. I honestly cannot remember if I ate with my parents at that age (I only have a handful of memories that early). I'd compromise and eat all together in the week once the kids can stay up till 7pm. That will still give you years and years of family meals. In the meantime do family lunches at weekends - we do this both at home and eating out so our kids get used to restaurant etiquette too.

user1493413286 · 15/01/2020 06:58

I’m with your DH; it’s too early for me and it sounds like he’s given it a try. We do make the effort to compromise and do this at weekends and if he’s happy to sit at the table at that time then fair enough. I always sit with mine with a cup of tea and chat.

user1493413286 · 15/01/2020 06:59

I think sitting eating as a family becomes more important when your kids are older and disappearing off to their rooms as it gives you time that they have to be with you and by then they can eat later anyway

GiveHerHellFromUs · 15/01/2020 07:03

I think this is why I have gotten my back up a bit - we normally agree on most things which are for the good of the kids and our little unit. This time it just seemed to be about what he wants.

This reads to me like 'normally he does what I tell him is best but this time he's stood up to me and I don't like it'.

What's best for you isn't always what's best for the 'unit'. If it doesn't work for him it's not right for the family, because he's part of the family too.

To me it doesn't make sense to insist on you all eating together when you've already said you don't always want to eat together, just when you're having meals that suit the kids.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 15/01/2020 07:03

Just eat together on his days off. Lunch at 1 together and dinner at 7 together.

We never eat with the kids on weekdays as it simply doesn't work. We love eating together at the weekends though.

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 15/01/2020 07:03

We used to eat as a family every day when I was a kid. And you know what? I hated it. It all felt like such pomp and circumstance. My dad was very strict about table manners so very five minutes was him barking "elbows off the table!" it just felt like a really unfun (new word) part of the day. I don't think it's as important to eat together as it's made out to be.

tried20names · 15/01/2020 07:06

DH and I have always had dinner between 8 and 9pm as we both worked long hours. Now we have young children and they are ready for their dinner around 5-5:30 when he isn't back from work. Some days I eat with them and others with DH so I try to make sure we all sit down together at the weekends

Oblomov20 · 15/01/2020 07:08

I think the difference is your husband isn't used to it. I ate at 6 o'clock all my life! My parents sat down with us as a family at 6pm approx every day of my childhood. As a treat we were allowed to have pizza on our Laps watching James Bond, at Christmas!

I too can go out to dinner at a posh restaurant @ 8pm etc, but that's a rare occasion. And a choice.

Both ds's weren't fussy eaters. But then that may too be because I gave them what we ate, including curry and chilli etc, even as part of their weaning, and we sat down to eat as a family, right from the off.

Family mealtimes are very important to me. As a principal . Clearly not to your Dh. I agree with a pp, I think you've got bigger problems ahead!

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 15/01/2020 07:13

We eat meals at all sorts of funny times around DDs clubs now (and our own volunteering responsibilities). Sometimes all together, sometimes apart. For example Monday DH ate at lunchtime, then he grabbed a sandwich at 6pm while DDs and I got home at 6.15 from swimming, they went to have a bath, he left 6.30 and they ate 6.45.
Tuesday...we all are at 5.30.
Today... DH and I will rate lunchtime, DDs will have dinner at 5pm before DD3 goes out at 5.30

snappycamper · 15/01/2020 07:14

I'm with the OP. I prefer to eat later but suck it up for the sake of my family for exactly the reasons you set out (as an aside, they are older now and it did help). It's also the time that I actually get conversation from my kids, rather than just requests for stuff.

AlexaAmbidextra · 15/01/2020 07:28

Just sitting at the table with you not eating isn't good enough.

Ffs. Isn’t good enough. Poor sod, being expected to force food down when he isn’t hungry. For me, 6pm is far too early to eat and I’d be starving and have to eat again before bed. He’s offering to compromise by sitting with you all while your DCs eat. You are being totally unreasonable.

adaline · 15/01/2020 07:29

6pm is massively early for me - I'm only just finishing work at that time. But DH finishes at 4 so he's starving by six. It all depends on your individual routines.

I don't think your DH is U to say he's not hungry at 6pm. That is still fairly early. If he's happy to sit down with the kids and chat then I really don't see the problem!

Nogoodusername · 15/01/2020 07:40

I would definitely eat together if we could. But neither me or her DH get home before 7.30 on our office days so it isn’t a possibility. We always eat together at the weekend - at 6

BlouseAndSkirt · 15/01/2020 07:41

At 5 mine were in bed at 7.30, so that sounds very late, those suggesting a 5 and 2 year old wait til then.

Newmetoday · 15/01/2020 07:45

I eat at 5 when I get in from work. I’m starving. I don’t want a snack until 8. I feel that’s way too late as I go up to bed at 9.

adaline · 15/01/2020 07:45

Just sitting at the table with you not eating isn't good enough.

So you want him to force himself to eat when he's not hungry?

BeepOpsiePie · 15/01/2020 07:55

He should just eat less or eat earlier at lunchtime! 6ish is not an unreasonable time to be eating, it's healthier to eat earlier in the evening because then your body gets a longer break from metabolising food, ideally if you don't then eat any snacks you would then have a fast lasting at least 12 hours until breakfast. I think most people can adapt to this eating routine if their other meals are timed accordingly.

We have 1-2 dinners a week after the kids have gone to bed as a sort of date night but generally it's better to eat together and I can't believe how many people don't prioritise it.

Letthemysterybe · 15/01/2020 07:58

My children are the same age as yours. We don’t eat together. They are hungry for their dinner at 5:30, and my husband and I have always eaten late , about 8:00. We have family meals together at the weekend. I think it’s nice to all sit up together, but I don’t think it is anything to fixate on. If it’s doesn’t work right now then no big deal, your kids are still very young. I wouldn’t be happy if my husband insisted we all eat together every night just to fulfill some image of the ideal family. My dinner is important to me! I like cooking and eating my dinner after the kids are in bed.

MsChatterbox · 15/01/2020 08:08

Your dh would love me. I eat at 4pm with my toddler 😁. But honestly I would just do it without him. My husband is still at work at that time and my toddler still benefits from eating with me.

gingercat02 · 15/01/2020 08:17

I would love that too but it's difficult to get the 3 of us in the same place at that time.
We do eat together Monday Wednesday Friday Saturday and Sunday if DH is home from work at reasonable time. Its about 7pm on Mondays as I'm out until 6:30. DH runs 7-8 on Tuesdays and Thursdays and DS has scouts on Thursdays too.
As a child we ate at about 5:15 as soon as my dad got in from work, but we all had a snack at bedtime (cereal for kids tea and sandwich for the adults). Lives are different now

Damntheman · 15/01/2020 08:28

Pre-kids we ate dinner at 9pm. Now we all eat together every night (apart from one night every other month where DH and I eat later to have some special time and some super spicy food) at about 5pm. That said, we finish work at 3.30pm so it's easy to manage 5pm but perhaps I don't think 6-6.30 is that challenging of a time to eat. He'll get used to it with a bit of practice. I do not eat anything again after dinner, but DH often has what he calls 'evening food' at 9pm, a couple of crispbread usually with salami or something. Kveldsmat (evening food) is also very normal in Norway but I don't feel the need. You can train your stomach into being hungry at various times, you just need to fix the routine.

So I think DH is being unreasonable. I also think family dinner is very important and eating together will help the kids develop better eating habits. That and not having to make TWO dinners every night is just lovely!

Perhaps shift the dinner half an hour later and DH can eat as much as he can manage with the kids, then warm up the rest later if he really must.

onanothertrain · 15/01/2020 08:36

YABU. He's tried it and it's not working for him, he's offered a very sensible compromise and it's still not good enough for you. I agree with PP that it sounds like you're used to getting your own way and now he's stood up to you you don't like it. Seems a bit controlling dressed up as what's best "for your little unit"

Baboomtsk · 15/01/2020 08:49

It's not for you to dictate what time your husband eats. He has been very reasonable in listening to your argument, trying it and suggesting a compromise.

I think you should be patient, once the kids are older I'm sure you'll be able to find a time that works for everyone.

adaline · 15/01/2020 09:44

He should just eat less or eat earlier at lunchtime!

Why on earth should he?

He's a grown man who can choose to eat when and what he fancies, surely? I wouldn't like to be dictated to in that way.

Hahaha88 · 15/01/2020 10:00

I like us to eat together but it doesn't work like that every night. On my work days lo eats evening meal at nursery whilst I'm still working. Then has a small snack at home before bed and oh and I eat later, around 7-7.30. one evening a week we eat with extended family around 6. Another evening lo eats alone around 5.30, unless I'm too hungry to wait and eat at 8 when oh comes home, the other three nights we eat together and also have lunches together at weekends. It's about compromise. I voted yanbu because I think eating together is really important for modeling table manners and healthy eating, but I think it should be a balance, some evenings do it, others accept that it doesn't work for your family. Maybe work it so weekends are family evening meal times?

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