Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find this situation unfathomably & frighteningly weird?

112 replies

AcrobaticSunflower · 14/01/2020 18:34

I have an 18 month old little girl. Her father was someone I cared about deeply but who turned out to be a quiet sociopathic con-artist.

Long story short, he was super charming, pretended to be this hard-working, sincerely, thoughtful, sensitive & slightly shy guy and pretended to be really into me.

Contraception failure resulted in me getting pregnant. At this point he did a 180 (although cracks in his mask had already just begun to show just before I discovered I was pregnant) and became violent, mentally abusive and openly racist against me. In fact his immediate response to the news of my pregnancy was to put me in a chokehold and rape me.

From there he began ranting about how, yes, he’d pretended we were boyfriend & girlfriend & that he really liked me but that as a Muslim there was no way he’d ever want a child with a non-Muslim or with someone black. Things just got worse and worse and worse & in fact when I posted my first ultrasound scan on my Facebook he called the police & said that revealing my pregnancy amounted to “harassment” and that his family might find out he’s having a baby with “some woman who means absolutely nothing to him.”

First few months we dated we weren’t having sex yet. I have quite old-fashioned views and don’t have sex with many guys. Before him I’d been dating but not had sex with anyone for a long time out of choice. He claimed he himself only ever had sex with people he really cared about and that sex was really sacred to him. We’d also talked about our views on abortion and I’d explained that abortion is not something I’d do. He claimed to feel the same.

Fast forward to me being pregnant and him repeatedly sending me messages saying “I never even cared about you in the first place, lol” and “You were just an alternative to a prostitute”. And “Why would I care about a woman who’s stupid enough to let me fuck her when I’ve not even proposed marriage to her?”

He wrote to me threatening to sue me for refusing an abortion.

Eventually I had to get a restraining order. He then backed off, travelled overseas to an impoverished country & targeted a teenage girl there. He went back a few months later and married her. He’d met her 4 times prior to marrying her & he was “grooming” her while I was giving birth to my child. Six months after marrying this girl (who he’s left in her overseas country and doesn’t live with — he himself lives here in England with his mum) — the girl gave birth to a child that’s supposedly his.

From what I’ve heard he has announced this new child as the arrival of Jesus Christ (I’m actually not joking — he is in psychosis much of the time). Meanwhile he pretends me and his 1st child simply never existed.

However, his bride (who is less than half his age) started emailing me recently. Bragging abut how deeply in love her & my ex are & demanding that my child must “pass” a DNA test so that she and my ex can take her. Presumably she imagines I’d let them “take” my child overseas for visits (there is no way in hell).

This girl also stated that she’s aware he has “abused and harmed loads of women” and that this “makes me feel a bit sad. But what I see today is an amazing man who just want love and happiness and happy family.”
She also added that she’s never met or even spoken to any of his family or friends, that none of his friends/family attended or acknowledged her wedding to him.

I had to block her because her messages were just so weird & she was becoming quite hysterical & seemed emotionally dysregulated.

Am I right in thinking this entire situation is absolutely insane and barely even adds up?

I’m so confused!!!!!

OP posts:
Babyfg · 14/01/2020 21:44

You're an amazing mother and strong woman. I have no advice but you sound like you're doing everything possible to protect you and your child. I hope you are able to get some sort of escape from this situation.

And fuck the justice system with regards to reporting rapes. It's so unjust. I really hope you find some closure and are able to find a way to heal.

whensa · 14/01/2020 21:53

Sorry OP for the questions, I admit I searched your username as it sounds like a unusual series of events and you were describing some horrific things in a really matter-of-fact way, but I saw you were having trouble in a previous thread with people coming into where you were living hence I wondered if your ex lived with you at any point or could have had access. And that you hadn't mentioned your DD at all then so was trying to figure out if he/anyone other than you were looking after her etc.

But you've clarified you've moved and he doesn't know where you are so that's good, it's just worrying if he or someone he's now connecting with is trying to dig into your life.

I really wish you all the best. Flowers

DogInATent · 14/01/2020 21:55

The IP info from the email showed it was sent from the girl's home country
FYI the IP address can be very easily faked/spoofed. It's also possible to fake the date and time a message was apparently sent, but that's less straightforward.

Please do not assume this Moroccan girl exists. The location can be faked, and it's possible to buy translations. If Mumsnet checked the IP address I'm using to make this reply they'll find it's in Turkey, when really I'm sat at home in the UK (I just switched it to show how easy it is).

RuffleCrow · 14/01/2020 22:00

OP please tell me this man does not have parental responsibility!

Please block both him and this woman from your life immediately. Go to the police with anything new since the restraining order. Move house and don't leave a forwarding address. It's time to move on from this madness and focus on your life and your dcs life. You don't need this endless drama.

whataboutbob · 14/01/2020 22:09

I grew up in North Africa and the virgin bride/ clean woman vs whore thing is hard wired into the men there. Arranged marriages are the norm and are really an alliance of two families- and even then it often ends badly, divorce rates are high. Plus his behaviour is crazy even by North African standards. Put as much distance between you and hima s possible, NEVER be seduced into going over there or allowing him unsupervised access to your daughter. The law here protects women and children, over there it victimises them.

Bluerussian · 14/01/2020 22:15

What an absolutely horrible man! I just don't 'get' him at all. I've known people who have had a child ( contraceptive failure), with someone of a different culture/religion who were concerned about what their family would think,, but ultimately they just got on with it and loved their child.

Your ex man's behaviour is heinous and I feel very sorry for the young girl he has married.

Get on with your life as best you can and put him firmly in the past. You have your child who comes first. One day you'll meet another chap who is worthy of you.

Flowers
manicinsomniac · 14/01/2020 22:17

What a horrible, frightening situation. I would second the advice to change your name. Two of my children are fathered by a Brazilian man who turned out to be an abusive rapist (hence DD2) and I strongly considered name changing. Decided it was unnecessary in the end as he lives in Brazil and has no means to come to the UK. But if he was resident here I would definitely have done this.

On the 'is the Moroccan woman real or not' debate: this might be totally false as I'm only inferring this from conversations with a Moroccan hostel owner but my understanding is that, if she writes French fluently, she is likely to be an educated, affluent woman. The hostel owner told me it annoys Moroccans when tourists assume they can just speak French to any Moroccan they meet. He said the average person working is the tourist industry is more likely to understand English even. Ordinary people are most comfortable in an Arabic dialect and may not have used French since school.

IF this 'information' is correct it suggests to me that either this woman is not especially vulnerable (and could therefore be more dangerous) or doesn't exist (and he has paid someone to write French emails for him)

sage46 · 14/01/2020 22:18

Run for the hills!

Helpfullilly · 14/01/2020 22:19

Block, yes, but make sure you download and safely store the messages in case you need them later, should either of these two try to get involved with you again or your child.

Bowerbird5 · 14/01/2020 22:23

Keep yourself safe. You have had a terrible time.

Make sure if you put your child in nursery that they know never to let anyone take her. If you have a photo of him give it to them to say under no circumstances is he ever to be given her.

I don't want to frighten you but fore warned is fore armed. I work in childcare and have worked with children that might be possible snatch cases. We were very vigilant.

Original poster
AcrobaticSunflower · 14/01/2020 22:25

@Babyfg

Thank you! I really appreciate your encouraging words x

OP posts:
Original poster
AcrobaticSunflower · 14/01/2020 22:28

@whataboutbob

Well that's what I'd thought about Morocco but I won't go into detail but this girl was far from chaste LOL. And there's no alliance between their families as his family want nothing to do with the entire fiasco.

He is of Pakistani origin by the way. But he developed a fascination with Morocco and most of his previous fiancees and wives (it seems there are/were quite a few) are from there

OP posts:
Original poster
AcrobaticSunflower · 14/01/2020 22:29

@whataboutbob

Forgot to add: after all that I have shared do you seriously think I'd ever even consider letting my child anywhere near this pair??????

OP posts:
Original poster
AcrobaticSunflower · 14/01/2020 22:31

@manicinsomniac. This is absolutely NOT an educated, affluent woman.

Maybe it applies in the smaller cities etc re speaking French but she is in Marrakech. It's very common for everyone from hotel receptionists to prostitutes to speak fluent French in Marrakech

OP posts:
Original poster
AcrobaticSunflower · 14/01/2020 22:32

@Bowerbird5

So frightening that the prospect of little ones being snatched from daycare is even a thing :(

OP posts:
B0bbin · 14/01/2020 22:38

Is he faking/ writing her messages to you? Otherwise both absolutely bonkers, hope you never have to see them. Ever!

B0bbin · 14/01/2020 22:41

Get as much distance as possible Flowers

justanothergrumblebum · 14/01/2020 22:41

I would get a court order in place personally...

Original poster
AcrobaticSunflower · 14/01/2020 22:43

@B0bbin

No, the girl is real and it was her messaging me. One of his other exes apparently even spoke to this girl on the phone.

Given how mentally unwell my ex is it is perhaps not all that shocking that he's gotten hitched to someone who is also a bit off kilter. The girl doesn't seem malicious exactly, just sort of histrionic and out of control.

OP posts:
Original poster
AcrobaticSunflower · 14/01/2020 22:44

@justanothergrumblebum

A court order ordering what?
Do you mean a non molestation order?

I had one back when he was threatening to physically harm me. It expired and given that he'd by then married and buggered off I didn't re-apply for a new one.

OP posts:
Speakeasy22 · 14/01/2020 22:44

If you have a VPN, you can easily make the emails look like they have come from Morocco.

TooManyPaws · 14/01/2020 22:56

I think it would be worth speaking to a lawyer about protecting the two of you. For instance, if you took out a passport for her, would the system flag it up if he tried to apply for one for her in preparation for trying to take her out of the country? Is there a way that, if the worst came to the worst, her name would be flagged at passport control? I think that Princess Haya had to have her children made wards of court to prevent their father, Sheikh Mohammad, taking them out of the UK back to Dubai but there might be other ways to safeguard her from him and his delusional wife.

MadeForThis · 14/01/2020 23:05

You need more distance from this man. You seem to have contact with his family and possibly his ex's. This level of contact could put you in danger.

If you can't change your name you need to have no contact with anyone who knows him.

UYScuti · 14/01/2020 23:15

histrionic and out of control
I expect that's just his type, he'll be right at home 😕😳

Sisiwawa · 14/01/2020 23:15

OP, feel sad at your situation but with respect you really need to do the practical things people are suggesting here, rather than trying to work out why he and this 'woman' are the way they are, or analysing what theyv'e said etc.
Dont let your guard down, inform the nursery and later, schools. He may track you down years later. Hopefully not.
NEVER allow access/ visitation. If he somehow takes your child to Morocco or any Muslim country, he, as the father will have the right (in that countries law) to keep the child there and the British Authorities will NOT intervene unfortunately.
Having worked in Police, dealing with Missing Persons, its not uncommon for this to happen and British Mums lose their children for years, sometimes for good.
Stay strong and get support for yourself.