To find this situation unfathomably & frighteningly weird?

[AcrobaticSunflower]

I have an 18 month old little girl. Her father was someone I cared about deeply but who turned out to be a quiet sociopathic con-artist.

Long story short, he was super charming, pretended to be this hard-working, sincerely, thoughtful, sensitive & slightly shy guy and pretended to be really into me.

Contraception failure resulted in me getting pregnant. At this point he did a 180 (although cracks in his mask had already just begun to show just before I discovered I was pregnant) and became violent, mentally abusive and openly racist against me. In fact his immediate response to the news of my pregnancy was to put me in a chokehold and rape me.

From there he began ranting about how, yes, he’d pretended we were boyfriend & girlfriend & that he really liked me but that as a Muslim there was no way he’d ever want a child with a non-Muslim or with someone black. Things just got worse and worse and worse & in fact when I posted my first ultrasound scan on my Facebook he called the police & said that revealing my pregnancy amounted to “harassment” and that his family might find out he’s having a baby with “some woman who means absolutely nothing to him.”

First few months we dated we weren’t having sex yet. I have quite old-fashioned views and don’t have sex with many guys. Before him I’d been dating but not had sex with anyone for a long time out of choice. He claimed he himself only ever had sex with people he really cared about and that sex was really sacred to him. We’d also talked about our views on abortion and I’d explained that abortion is not something I’d do. He claimed to feel the same.

Fast forward to me being pregnant and him repeatedly sending me messages saying “I never even cared about you in the first place, lol” and “You were just an alternative to a prostitute”. And “Why would I care about a woman who’s stupid enough to let me fuck her when I’ve not even proposed marriage to her?”

He wrote to me threatening to sue me for refusing an abortion.

Eventually I had to get a restraining order. He then backed off, travelled overseas to an impoverished country & targeted a teenage girl there. He went back a few months later and married her. He’d met her 4 times prior to marrying her & he was “grooming” her while I was giving birth to my child. Six months after marrying this girl (who he’s left in her overseas country and doesn’t live with — he himself lives here in England with his mum) — the girl gave birth to a child that’s supposedly his.

From what I’ve heard he has announced this new child as the arrival of Jesus Christ (I’m actually not joking — he is in psychosis much of the time). Meanwhile he pretends me and his 1st child simply never existed.

However, his bride (who is less than half his age) started emailing me recently. Bragging abut how deeply in love her & my ex are & demanding that my child must “pass” a DNA test so that she and my ex can take her. Presumably she imagines I’d let them “take” my child overseas for visits (there is no way in hell).

This girl also stated that she’s aware he has “abused and harmed loads of women” and that this “makes me feel a bit sad. But what I see today is an amazing man who just want love and happiness and happy family.”
She also added that she’s never met or even spoken to any of his family or friends, that none of his friends/family attended or acknowledged her wedding to him.

I had to block her because her messages were just so weird & she was becoming quite hysterical & seemed emotionally dysregulated.

Am I right in thinking this entire situation is absolutely insane and barely even adds up?

I’m so confused!!!!!

This is a very sad situation but I am not hugely surprised by what you have experienced, given the fact that the ex is probably very mentally ill (and/or, someone who has wildly different cultural norms, including extreme misogyny, that make him seem totally nuts to a western person), and his wife is probably someone for whom shariah is the norm.

To them, your child belongs to your ex, and now that your ex has legitimized himself as a "good muslim husband", she and he are likely chatting constantly about how to rescue your child from growing up with you, etc.

There are plenty of perfectly sane Muslim folk in the world, but sadly here you have some nutty folk who may be weaponizing their religion in order to make their marriage feel more legitimate.

Your ex may be taking questions from his family that are violating his sense of masculinity (e.g. why are you letting your flesh and blood grow up outside of Islam? etc.) and he may be spinning out all sorts of stupid ideas about how to reclaim that aspect of his past. And getting his young, impressionable wife on board - she may just be trying to please him or placate him, or she may be jealous of his past relationships and want to see them obliterated or somehow "made right" by taking on the child.

I'd take significant precautions to prevent abduction, and I would keep the police very closely informed. It's great news he's not on the birth cert because that greatly lessens his ability to snatch her and run.

I wouldn't worry about him forcing a paternity test. It would take a lot to do that, and his actions so far, including the emails you have, would probably make that impossible for him. He and his wife have shown their hand in that sense.

@Raspberrytruffle

This sounds more like something people do in the movies. I think Julia Roberts and JLo did something like that in a couple of movies. It's not all realistic to changing my entire identity and moving away while raising a young child as a single mum and battling PTSD from the abuse. I need all the support and family help I can possibly get and I also need to work and use my qualifications and work history.

unblock and set things up so their emails go into a spam folder or something

I had a stalker for whom I did this. The folder is marked "Crazy". It's therapeutic to have it there, quietly collecting evidence

Good grief OP -you are certainly not being unreasonable at all! You poor thing.

Follow the advice of your lawyer regarding communication with them and continue to ensure that he doesn't know where you are.

Does your little girl go to nursery/childminder? If so, if you haven't already, I would ensure they know that if he shows up, they are not to let him in/let him collect her. If he won't go they can ring the police. Likewise,anyone else who attempts to collect her. In all likelihood, he won't try/won't know where she is but worth covering all bases.

Both he and his wife sound completely unhinged.

Make sure you are saving all of this evidence in case he ever tries to get custody of your child.

I think I'd be changing my name (and child's) by deed pole, stay safe OP xx lucky escape

poll even!

@rvby

I think you hit the nail on the head in saying he is mentally ill.
His siblings seem a lot more mentally stable and civilised than he is -- I don't think it's just religion that's caused his shocking behaviour. His siblings have actually distanced themselves from him precisely because of the way he abused me and then immediately married and impregnated this very young girl without taking responsibility for his child with me.

It does seriously worry me what he and this girl might have planned. The positive is that neither of them even know where I live and I doubt the girl even has the means to travel to England. So, hopefully, my little girl and I are safe.

I can see in retrospect that my ex is very mentally unwell. That detail I think I shared in my original post about him believing his new baby (the one with this young girl) is Jesus Christ was not me joking. This is genuinely what he believes. He always said that eventually he would have a child that would be the coming of Christ. He also believed/believes that he is being followed around by members of the British government who are desperately trying to extract information from his brain. Also believed/believes that both my child and I are "demons" and that both of us were "manufactured" by the British government to destroy his life and force him into fatherhood and undermine his "world mission."

I'm absolutely not a psychiatrist but it's crossed my mind he might have schizophrenia?

Add to that his obsession with religion and it's a frightening situation. I don't know that this girl he has married is necessarily overtly abusive like he is but she comes across as being a major enabler of his behaviour.

@rvby

This is a really good idea

@PumpkinPie2016

Very good suggestions. Thank you.

@AcrobaticSunflower True, we don't live under Sharia in the UK, but it would concern me that the new wife is talking about taking your child, whether she means for visits or to live with her. If that is her expectation, presumably the matter has been discussed with your ex and that is his intention. If your ex wants nothing to do with your DD and he kept her a secret from his family, why has he even told his new wife she exists?

It is probably nothing but I would take advice on how to protect your DD from any risk of him abducting her, especially as he has serious mental health issues.

Please warn your daughter's nursery, and later, school, that there is a risk to the child and only you / agreed people with photos and passwords, must ever collect her or be given information. They will be familiar with how to protect such children. I know every nursery has procedures to prevent a child being picked up by an unauthorised person, but if there's a note on file and all staff are briefed there is a known risk to your daughter, they will be even more careful, and on the look out.

you should probably save it all for evidence?

@runoutofnamechanges

It was weird for him to tell her about my child as most normal women would not want to marry a man who has a child that he's abandoned by a mother he has abused.

But actually come to think of it it may be that he told her because his family found out about my baby in the end (I told them). So I guess he's presuming that one day his family might acknowledge and meet/speak to his bride and mention that he already has a child? So perhaps that is his motive? Who knows.

This is what I mean about the entire situation being absolutely bizarre. Obviously men buggering off and refusing to take any responsibility for kids they've helped create is sadly not a particularly unusual thing, but all the other crap going on with this -- him thinking me and my child are "demons", his bride being OK with the fact that (according to her) three other women who've dated or been married to this guy have contacted her to warn her. The bride seemingly being totally comfortable with marrying a bloke she's met 3 times and whose friends and family she's never even spoken to.

It's all just extra, extra strange. It feels like a twilight zone.

I hope there will come a day when I forget my ex and all this craziness ever even existed....

@Pollaidh

Thank you.

I believe it was wrong of me to believe I'm safe and all will be fine just because he's now married someone else and had this latest child

It's not unsusal for this type of thing to happen in any community OP it's abuse and uaually the narcissistic man has a hugely inflated ego.
I suggest you have nothing more to do with him at all.
get rid, block him, move if you have to. Never let your child see him or be with him. Get as far away as possible.

I’ve only read the OP - my initial thought is that it’s actually him messaging you under her name

He may be doing the same awful things to her, I doubt he’s magically changed from the person who repeatedly committed such serious crimes

Also don’t look at her actions from a western perspective, in her culture it’s probably normal to marry someone significantly older than you/that you’ve only met a handful of times/where you haven’t met their family etc.

Tell the police about this recent contact

I hope you have a lot of support in rea life. This is just awful. I’d come off Facebook etc completely to avoid any possibility of being traced.

Please please please block her and him and anyone associated

Please PLEASE report to 101 , send them evidence of all the messages, and say your telling them because you think it means they might be planning kidnapping, because its manipulation, because the father is violent and dangerous and you have/had a court order against him, etc etc

I know it sounds extreme that way but he is clearly an extremely dangerous man and you and tour child are best with absolutely zero contact whatsoever , ever !

Also once you have blocked them and reported with the police, if they make any more accounts or contact you any more with weird shit, it becomes harassment (if it's not already)

Are you 100% sure that the Moroccan wife even exists? Perhaps he has invented her whole existence, thinking that by saying he is now married to a Muslim girl he gets off the hook with responsibility for you and your DD? Perhaps he was the one posing as the wife and doing the emailing?

Although he said he wasn't interested in your DD initially, if he's mentally unwell then that would explain his inconsistency.

I would also reccomend change you and your childs names by deed poll

Apart, of course, from the rape allegations.

Apart, of course, from the rape.

^^ fixed that for you.

@AllideasAndNoAction

It's such a web of insanity and toxicity that even writing about is starting to make me want to puke.
It crossed my mind the Moroccan girl doesn't really exist.
However, I was wrong. She is real. As I said in one of my earlier comments I checked the IP address of an email she'd just sent and it came from Morocco at a time when I knew the abuser was right here in England (they don't even live together).
Plus she emailed me in French (which she speaks fluently, as do I) and the abuser doesn't speak a word of French. Sure, he could have somehow masked his IP and used one of those Google Translate sites, but I can tell a native French speaker.

So, she's real.

But the whole thing is weird as HELL.

What do either of them even bloody want from me at this point?????

Back before I knew better (I'd NEVER do this now) I had been looking on her social media and his to see whether any of this crap is even real. Not a single photo of their supposed wedding, no pics of her pregnant or of them with the baby they've supposedly had.

God only knows what is going on.

I really want to be able to move forward safe in the knowledge that I will never ever have to see or speak to this dreadful "man" again or EVER let my child meet him.

@VanGoghsDog

THANK YOU.

There are some scary and strange people on this site.