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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WiFi off at 9.30 pm. Worst parent ever?

147 replies

Notsureabouthis · 13/01/2020 21:40

Because my children think I am! 🤨

They are 17,14 and 13. Glued to their phones.

Trying to get a bit of balance/a better nighttime regime. They have books/audio books... also fairly generous data so the eldest can still Snapchat etc...just not stream YouTube.

He looked at me like he really hated me tonight.😞

AIBU? Apparently no one else’s parents limit WiFi?!

OP posts:
goodwinter · 14/01/2020 08:46

Wow. I was 17 ten years ago and nobody I knew had a) bedtimes or b) timed WiFi restrictions! We were all at sixth form, working part-time jobs, and enjoying fun and freedom, getting ready to fly the nest.

You're getting a fair bit of support but imo it's bonkers restrictive.

Christmaspug · 14/01/2020 08:47

I expect your 17 year old will leave home as soon as possible,they generally do when parents are so controlling .so won’t be an issue then

musicposy · 14/01/2020 08:48

Notsureabouthis I do know that he learned how to hack and was still often chatting to her at midnight - he just lied to them and went behind their back. I’m sure some of the stuff he had to find to learn to do that was way more risky that them just letting him on would have been. My feeling is if you make things too tough for them once they are nearly adults you just make your teens secretive right at a time when you need them to be able to be open with you.

Original poster
Notsureabouthis · 14/01/2020 08:53

Hi
Yes maybe 9.30 is a bit early. It’s more for the 14 year old who listens to an audiobook on his laptop. I’ll maybe rethink the timing.

I chatted to my eldest last night after he’d calmed down and he was cool about it. He still has his phone and some data so he’s not having his phone removed. I might suggest he downloads anything he wants to watch on his laptop...

He is struggling at school and due to dyslexia and some other learning challenges he does need to work hard to get the grades.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notsureabouthis · 14/01/2020 08:54

@Christmaspug - that’s upset me. It’s easy to be a bitch hiding behind a screen isn’t it? So brave.

OP posts:
KaptainKaveman · 14/01/2020 08:58

YANBU, OP. All the research suggests - proves, in fact - that excessive screen time, especially close to bed time, has a deleterious effect on sleep, learning and attention span. Not to mention to isolating, anti-social effects.

My 14 year old is off screens by 8.30.

PlanDeRaccordement · 14/01/2020 08:58

YABU
My teens use YouTube for homework.
Watching economics lectures Or watching tutorials on coding.
They get a lot of homework (all assigned online and turned in online) and with after school activities, then family dinner, 9:30 is way too early to block their access.
Not that I ever limited their screens or WiFi usage once they reached 13.

PlanDeRaccordement · 14/01/2020 09:03

“He is struggling at school and due to dyslexia and some other learning challenges he does need to work hard to get the grades.”

It’s funny you mention dyslexia and I do not usually share specifics, but my SEN DC has diagnosed severe dyslexia. DC has trouble learning through written material or producing it. However, DC is off the charts on learning through oral means- listening to a lecture. And so this is my DC who is constantly streaming YouTube videos as part of their learning and revision. You could consider the impact of shutting off the WiFi when that only leaves written text for your DS to revise from.

Allington · 14/01/2020 09:04

Having boundaries is not being controlling.

Notsure you've chatted now you're both calm, and I am sure you will work out what is best for your family. Rules do need to adapt as your children get older, so discuss, compromise, and keep the lines of communication open. But it is your job as a parent to make the final decision about 'house rules' and balance 'needs' with 'wants'.

My 12 year old DD has no screen time after 8pm in term time Shock and survives. Any later and she is awake later, and tired in the morning, then falls asleep at school. At some point we'll move to 8.30pm and see how it goes. Every child is different.

Plus, without a screen to entertain her, she usually reads for half an hour or so at bedtime, and enjoys it, and while the rest of her academic progress is slow (FAE related), her reading is good for her age.

Straycatstrut · 14/01/2020 09:08

Who pays for the wifi? Who paid for their phones? Who pays the mortgage/rent? buys the food?

Your house, your rules.

It's 9.30 for my 7 year old, but he only has the tablet from 8. He reads before that.

adaline · 14/01/2020 09:10

I think it's fine for the younger ones but having such harsh restrictions for a 17yo seems unfair to me. You need to treat him differently and as more of a grown up than his younger siblings or he'll become resentful.

I mean he's nearly an adult. He may be doing A-levels and living at home still but that doesn't mean you can treat him in the same way you treat a 12yo.

heartsonacake · 14/01/2020 09:10

YABU. Your children won’t learn to self regulate themselves when you’re always there to do it for them.

They need to understand the consequences of limited sleep if they go on their phones, or work suffering poorly because of it. And over a long period of time too, otherwise they won’t learn.

You’re raising your children to be adults that don’t know how to look after and moderate themselves. Great work.

TheBigFatMermaid · 14/01/2020 09:11

We removed our DCs devices last night at 8.30pm, as punishment for really nasty arguing. They went to bed at 10pm with devices returned and I noted they both went to sleep far earlier than normal.

YANBU!

Kyriesmum1 · 14/01/2020 09:16

@Notsureabouthis

I have four children aged 17,16,12 and 0. We don't limit the WiFi (although I am now tempted😁) but we make our children put their phones on charge at 9:30pm in the lounge and they aren't allowed them again until the morning. We felt we needed to do this as otherwise they spend all night in the phone and are tired and bitchy (they are all girls) if they haven't had enough sleep.

My 17 year old called me all sorts of names when I took her phone off her for a month! However she was amazing and a different child without her phone!

MerryDeath · 14/01/2020 09:17

bit difficult but tbh it's probably good for you all including the adults! everyone should step away from their screens to have quality sleep (please note i do not practice what i preach.. if only my mum would come over and enforce something similar Grin).

Drizzzle · 14/01/2020 09:19

There are a lot of threads like this and lots of posters get very upset about the thought of anyone's phone use being restricted. I suspect those adults are also addicted to their phones/the internet. Why is constant access to phones/wifi/the internet so important to you?

Also, yes you can have rules for other teens or adults that live in your house. I am sure you have rules about other things. Don't you restrict other things? Can anyone help themselves to anything in your house and do whatever they want at any time?

gabsdot45 · 14/01/2020 09:23

We have an ap that turns off our kids phones and tablets at 9pm. They are 12 and 16 and would stay up all night on electronics if they were allowed.
You're not a bad parent, you're being responsible.

NekoShiro · 14/01/2020 10:54

One of my online friends from Germany is in his early 20s, still lives with his parents and every weeknight (except fridays) his internet is turned off at 10pm on the dot, kinda funny when we're mid way through an online game and he just vanishes, but it's completely reasonable, he has work the next day and he gets free reign of online time friday and saturday night, he could stay up all night if he wanted to.

You're not being harsh to them, just maybe think about not restricting at the weekend as a compromise

Cohle · 14/01/2020 10:59

I wouldn't at 17. He'll be off to university soon and needs to be learning to cope with much less structure.

If he still has his phone and downloads then I also don't really understand what it will achieve.

Glitterfisher · 14/01/2020 11:05

I still cant think of any situation where it is ok to treat an 18 yo like a child. No wonder we get 18-22 ish year olds coming into the work place who are unable to manage a normal job. They are immature, unreliable and unable to use initiatives. Many young people are so mollycoddled these days its frightening. You really arent doing them any favours.

I can understand it a bit more from the OPs point of view with the drip feed re dyslexia. My autistic/ADHD DS will probably need more help at that age. But a 17 yo without any issues should be more than capable of self regulating.

Drizzzle · 14/01/2020 11:15

But why is it treating them like children? If you live with other people there are rules to follow and if you share a house with other adults you can't just make up your own rules.

Also, being able to use the internet at night isn't really that important.

ChangeInTime · 14/01/2020 11:19

Never in my adult life have I been expected to turn off the Wi-Fi, regardless of who I was living with. That is not a normal adult rule. I don't think it's normal either to have a list of rules for grown people, beyond the basic expectations of being considerate to others in your home and doing your share around the house.

What kind of fucked up people have you all been living with where adults are expected to go to bed at certain times and turn off the Wi-Fi at some stupidly early hour? Did you join a cult?

Terfin · 14/01/2020 11:20

18year old dependents living at home and still at school ARE still children to all intents and purposes! I'm the one who'll be held responsible if there's problems at school etc. So I am helping my child to manage his screen time by not putting the temptation there for streaming films late at night when he should be asleep before an 8 hour school day. He is not even slightly "molly-coddled" but respects the views of those with rather more life experience than him. He has spent plenty of time away from home alone during holidays where he can do as he pleases, but during this exam year yes I will be controlling his Wi-fi.
and also I see young adults where I work who come in demanding services they're not entitled to or refusing to wait their turn and I wonder if they've been given everything they demand all their lives, and perhaps it's those parents who are doing them a disservice

ChangeInTime · 14/01/2020 11:28

I don't know where you live but 18 year olds are responsible for their own schooling here. They can marry at 16 here ffs. An 18 year old could be at university, working or in the army and people think they can't even be trusted with Wi-Fi. So you can trust them to drive a car which could have far more serious consequences but not internet access?

Bollocks isn't he mollycoddled. You're still holding his hand and metaphorically wiping his arse for him. That's the definition of mollycoddling when you're trying to control when an adult can access Wi-Fi.

PPopsicle · 14/01/2020 11:31

This isn’t really going to solve anything, you’ve just jumped to the easiest conclusion, and the children won’t actually learn anything.
As soon as it’s turned back on past 9:30, they will just start going on it again, and also any time they go around a friends.
Educated them as to why they need an earlier night, or have certain times as family times.
As for the 17 year old, practically an adult, don’t treat him like a child.