to not tolerate being cold shouldered

[loopery]

What do you do if you are cold shouldered or given the silent treatment by your DH/partner everytime you have an issue or disagreement? Yesterday was because I wore a T-shirt that was a very thoughtful xmas present from a very old friend. I asked what was up and he denied anything being wrong at all but the sulk is blatant. So if I ask and give an opportunity for him to say what the issue is or how he feels he just dismisses but carries on anyway. I’ve told him it is unacceptable behaviour and abusive but however I approach this I’m accused of “attacking”. I’ve tried ignoring and doing the same back (give as good as I get) and that time the silent treatment lasted for a week. Years ago I used to end up chasing for resolution and being the fixer and doing the “I’m sorry if you feel I....” whatever it is but I’m tired of always having to apologise to smooth the waters when he’s adamant he’s always the victim and I’m the crazy one. Yesterday was obvious though. It’s not my fault that he got the hump about my T-shirt but I was then punished by his distance for the whole day. How do you (if you suffer this) deal with this type of person?

“Honestly? I have zero tolerance. If someone gives me the silent treatment I'm out of there.
It's emotional abuse.”

Same.

I just won’t put up with it.

My ex’s mum warned me early on he was a sulker - I nipped that in the bud early on!

Told him either he discussed, even argued like a grown up or I’d be gone. Took him a few times to realise I genuinely would rather argue than be sulked at, I think he thought initially it was a test? But once he realised I was genuine he was fine.

We were both quite loud types not least as we tend to both be “mobile” when arguing too.

We had some incredibly supercilious neighbours at one point who “never argued” but I noticed - and pointed out to ex - she was a champion sulker! Quite often the husband would comment he was getting silent treatment...

...until we heard an almighty Barney their end, turned out he was shagging her best mate (who she also frequently subjected to silent treatment). So much for their purported claims of a quiet, happy marriage!

And no I’m not saying the sulking justified the cheating, 2 wrongs don’t make a right but she was no innocent in the mess.

Ah jealousy!

He’s not saying why he has a problem with it because he knows his reason is unreasonable.

Tell him to grow the fuck up or get out!

Not even kidding, such behaviour is NOT trivial especially in front of children.

And (I know unpopular view on mn) he should also get you a card, thoughtful gift and treat you VERY well on your birthday. Everyone should have someone doing this on their birthday.

Completely unacceptable that he doesn’t so much as get you a card!

What do you do for his birthday? I’d bet good money you make a right fuss of him and if you didn’t he’d sulk/kick off then too! Well it works both bloody ways!

I suspect there’s an awful lot more unacceptable behaviour op is tolerating too.

@countryandconfused - the intention isn’t what defines it as abuse the effect is! You are also a sulker and need to grow up. It’s an appalling way to behave.

NOBODY ever LIKES confrontation but it’s a necessary part of life.

Your dh and any dc you’re also exposing this behaviour to (even indirectly) deserve better.

I suggest you get therapy.

I would leave if I at all could. Its manipulative, controlling and drags any argument on and on.

Its teaching your kids that to resolve issues they have with someone, they should avoid speaking about it until the other person manages to guess what they've done, and apologises.

@graphista what a nasty person you are you. You sound like a sour angry woman . I never suggestion that I went days without speaking to dh .

*@graphista what a nasty person you are you. You sound like a sour angry woman . I never suggestion that I went days without speaking to dh *

So what do you do? Go silent and ignore people and your bloke or say you need a bit of space for emotions to die down and then discuss like adults?

One of those is passive aggressive, which is abuse.

@gamerchick of course then discuss it and hash it out. All I was simply saying was that it isn’t everyone’s way to meet fire with fire .

So pleased to be reading this tonight. Currently reassessing my own relationship as DP has just come out of a weekend long sulk.

He hates confrontation but this is the second time I have gone out with friends (daytime stuff not wild parties 🙄) and he's created a situation where he says I'm 'being weird' with him or I'm 'in a bad mood' so he can sulk.

Neither time have I been anything but normal/nice but as it's s happened twice now he clearly doesn't like me going out. He's very obviously punishing me.

He just came home tonight and had snapped out of it so I suppose I'm just supposed to forget all about it? No chance.

My exh was abusive and there's no way I'm going through that again. I'm re-evaluating the whole relationship. What a dick.

its not just men who use the silent treatment, I know many women who use this immature behaviour .
Personally I hate it, and have suffered at this. Why cant they say F off ,at least you know where you stand

@graphista what a nasty person you are you. You sound like a sour angry woman . I never suggestion that I went days without speaking to dh .

This is a classic example of people who give silent treatment and don't know how to argue. It's either attack or silent treatment.

I suspect they haven't been modelled the process of making your point and listening to the other person's POV and finding a compromise, apologising and forgiving when needed.

I don't think anyone has suggested it's just men who do this . People have however pointed out that it isn't an acceptable way to behave.

Country there is a mile wide gulf between quietly telling your OH that you need space for a little while and that you'll be ready to discuss things properly afterwards and doing what OP's H has done, which is to go off into a strop over a T-shirt and then not speak to them. If you can't see that difference, you have a problem.

“This is a classic example of people who give silent treatment and don't know how to argue. It's either attack or silent treatment.”

Totally agree.

Clearly can’t handle the truth.

Of course it's not just men who do this. But this is a situation in which a man is doing it to a woman.

I had a flatmate and friend who was a big sulker. Most of you won't be surprised to hear that the living together arrangement didn't end well and we're no longer friends. I had no tolerance. Not least because there's a big difference between a sulker who is doing it to punish the other person for behaviour that really is no big deal or perfectly okay and someone who needs to take some time out because they are just so angry and upset they can't speak or be coherent. And everyone who has ever been subjected to the former knows how different it is to the latter.

Country, if you're talking about the latter as being what you do - fine. But that is NOT sulking or being unreasonable about what pisses you off. Refusing to talk to someone for days on end because of a perceived slight is ridiculous.

@Amaretto it's the OP's husband who is doing this, NOT her friend!

OP, you need to end this marriage. This is abuse, and is not only affecting you, but your children too, as you will have seen from posters who were brought up in families like this.

Leaving for this reason alone, is more than enough to end the relationship, but I bet he also displays other abusive behaviours too.

Of course leaving is not easy, but it is necessary, and is not impossible. So, take pps advice, post on the Relationships board and ask how to leave, and make an appointment with a solicitor. You'll need to take copies of all the finances to the solicitor to get accurate, legal advice.

Make 2020 the year you take control of your life, and your children a better future.