to not tolerate being cold shouldered

[loopery]

What do you do if you are cold shouldered or given the silent treatment by your DH/partner everytime you have an issue or disagreement? Yesterday was because I wore a T-shirt that was a very thoughtful xmas present from a very old friend. I asked what was up and he denied anything being wrong at all but the sulk is blatant. So if I ask and give an opportunity for him to say what the issue is or how he feels he just dismisses but carries on anyway. I’ve told him it is unacceptable behaviour and abusive but however I approach this I’m accused of “attacking”. I’ve tried ignoring and doing the same back (give as good as I get) and that time the silent treatment lasted for a week. Years ago I used to end up chasing for resolution and being the fixer and doing the “I’m sorry if you feel I....” whatever it is but I’m tired of always having to apologise to smooth the waters when he’s adamant he’s always the victim and I’m the crazy one. Yesterday was obvious though. It’s not my fault that he got the hump about my T-shirt but I was then punished by his distance for the whole day. How do you (if you suffer this) deal with this type of person?

Depends on my mood, as sometimes I misconstrue my DH's silence for sulking when actually he's just in a quiet mood (doesn't help that he and I both have resting bitch face!).

But when it's blatant I generally go with @milliefiori said, I carry on as normal, I won't try to drag conversation out of him but won't let it affect my mood or what I'm doing - then when he snaps out of it I'll make a pointed joke (because I'm not bloody perfect and silent treatment/sulking does my head in) such as "and he's back in the room" with a hand flourish like a hypnotist

TBF my DH isn't much of a sulker so it doesn't happen regularly enough to concern me, my EX did it as a form of manipulation though and it definitely contributed to the long list of reasons why I walked away.

I left someone for this sort of behaviour- totally unacceptable

Spell it out to him. 'Please do not use words like "attacking". We will speak about this calmly and using civil language or you can leave the house and come back when you're ready to do so.'

I wouldn't tolerate that kind of nonsense. I would expect stupid sulking from a 4 year old, not a grown man. And the reason for sulking is equally ludicrous. I think I would have zero respect for someone who behaved like that. Life is far too short for that kind of crap.

In addition to the stupid behaviour I noticed you typed this:

"Always buys me a birthday card (which my DH doesn’t)"

Why would you put up with that either? to be honest he doesn't sound very nice at all!

I wouldn't be making dinner/washing for anyone who was sulking at me. But he sounds such a twat, you need a longer term solution.

Jesus, tell him to use his words or snap out of it, the way you do with a sulky small child. And tell him that an adult man sulking because another man gave you a tshirt for Christmas makes my 7-year-old sulking because there wasn't enough chocolate in his pain au chocolat look reasonable and mature. Especially as he snapped out of it when I said 'Well, it's that or no croissant at all, sunshine, so enough.'

Maybe get him a tshirt with this on the front and the caption I SULK BECAUSE I CANNOT EXPRESS MYSELF.

I'm another one who had an Ex that was jealous of just about everything/friend I ever had and he sulked, too. I am so glad I left.

How do I deal with this type of person? I don't. I'm an adult, I don't play games. I get rid.

You need to read the series of threads from jamaisjedors on this exact topic.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Sulking is emotional abuse.

He's being an arse.

Although in fairness, "I'm sorry if you feel"... is a weaselly politician's non-apology that gives me rage, so YABU for ever saying that. "I'm sorry you are hurt" is much better

Look in the relationships section. There’s a thread called ‘Divorcing Sulking H’ - it’s the fourth or fifth thread now, all are linked in the op I think though because you will need to read the first one. It will make interesting reading and may well ring a lot of bells for you.

It is absolutely emotional abuse and I would not tolerate it. Consider that your dc may get the same treatment in the future, if not now. Mil does this to fil (and the rest of us, including her children) and it is unbearable. Dh is almost NC now as a result.

Thanks everyone. Reading all the replies with interest

Cross post fartlek

I have no experience of this, I only ever had long term relationships with adults.

If you don't want to dump him (I would) completely ignore him, including doing anything for him (washing, cooking, etc) and when he finally stops his little tantrum, tell him if he ever does it again, he is out the door.

Why are you with this rat-weasel still?

I have zero tolerance also. My ex used to pull this shit and I would go right up to his face and tell him to get out of my sight and stay out of it until he was over himself. Then not give it any attention.

But tbh it's not worth the shit. If they sulk then they're gone eventually and this is a conversation I would be having when he was snapped out of it. It's not a good behaviour for kids to learn.

Well no, you don’t have to tolerate that. So what are you going to do?

Tell him to stop being a sulking twat and to act like a grown up or get the hell out.

Do you actually want to stay married to this abusive man?

This is a trivial issue - but the behaviour is far from trivial. Its like the straw that breaks the camels back, the incident itself is not the problem, its the amalgamation of similar incidents.

A breakdown in communication is one of the key reason relationships (friendships, intimate, work etc.) fail. If you can't discuss things like this with each other, either him responding to your questions or you feeling able to press him about his behaviour that's a bigger problem and one you both need to tackle.

I'd ask him outright why he is sulking as he is clearly sulking. Is it because you are wearing a t-shirt from your friends DH? If it is why is it such an issue and what reason does he have for you not to wear it anymore? If he can come up with a sensible one then you can discuss why he feels like he does and how to move forward but if all you're getting is the silent treatment you're not exactly sure what he expects to achieve here besides push you away.

Is the t-shirt especially rude or disrespectful?

I would actually reassess the friendship and would tell him so.
You dont have to go to the gym with someone who is giving you the silent treatment afterall.
(And I woudnt want to be at his dwife place!)

What is it with all these sulky old toddlers? Are they in a strop because Father Christmas didn't bring them a big enough present?
It saddens me so much to read all these women tying themselves in knots trying to pacify them when they wouldn't tolerate such behaviour from a 3 year old.
Taking the line of least resistance just reinforces the message that throwing a tantrum or having a sulk will get them what they want. Please OP don't rise to it - ignore and carry on exactly as you normally do. Don't give an inch or he'll get worse. Then you'll know what to do ......

I don't deal with it, I don't tolerate it, I don't allow it.

It's emotional manipulation and that shit isn't part of a relationship I'm willing to tolerate. Nor should it be something you'll tolerate.

very similar situation here OP. Thankfully we live separately. I usually follow the strategy of carrying on as usual until he comes out of it.

It is painfully predictable though.

Honestly? I have zero tolerance. If someone gives me the silent treatment I'm out of there

100% this.

I couldn't give life space to a partner who acted like this.