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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not tolerate being cold shouldered

112 replies

loopery · 13/01/2020 16:18

What do you do if you are cold shouldered or given the silent treatment by your DH/partner everytime you have an issue or disagreement? Yesterday was because I wore a T-shirt that was a very thoughtful xmas present from a very old friend. I asked what was up and he denied anything being wrong at all but the sulk is blatant. So if I ask and give an opportunity for him to say what the issue is or how he feels he just dismisses but carries on anyway. I’ve told him it is unacceptable behaviour and abusive but however I approach this I’m accused of “attacking”. I’ve tried ignoring and doing the same back (give as good as I get) and that time the silent treatment lasted for a week. Years ago I used to end up chasing for resolution and being the fixer and doing the “I’m sorry if you feel I....” whatever it is but I’m tired of always having to apologise to smooth the waters when he’s adamant he’s always the victim and I’m the crazy one. Yesterday was obvious though. It’s not my fault that he got the hump about my T-shirt but I was then punished by his distance for the whole day. How do you (if you suffer this) deal with this type of person?

OP posts:

myidentitymycrisis · 13/01/2020 17:11

Problem is, by following that you are tolerating it.

only way I can see not to tolerate it is to end the relationship.

GoldfishRampage · 13/01/2020 17:11

Instead he sulked for the entire day in front of our kids

I feel sorry for you having to put up with his sulking but I feel even more sorry for your kids. What's going to happen when they annoy him as teens or young adults? Will he ignore them too?

I think it's a horrible atmosphere for the kids to have to put up with.

I'd consider leaving him or, at least, pushing for him to see a councillor or something.

Most adults mange to get through life without sulking.

whatshame · 13/01/2020 17:12

Leave him, seriously. My parents are also like this 'ask your father to pass the salt' type shit.

I was glad to leave home at 18 and now at 40+ I live a long way away, see them a few times a year and when I go back there to stay for a week or so I stay with my sister and not them because I cannot stand it. When they come to see me they come individually. The last time they were both in my house was about 15 years ago.
They are in their 70's now and still can go weeks without talking to each other over something ridiculous. My mother is the main instigator and is a bitter old woman that my father should have left years ago and now they are older and she is struggling to get about he can't leave her. Don't be him.

UYScuti · 13/01/2020 17:14

your partner feels that he has the authority to punish you/impose sanctions if you displease him
what makes him feel it's OK to do that, who does he think he is?

TheYearOfTheDog · 13/01/2020 17:15

Zero tolerance

HoneysuckleSpeck · 13/01/2020 17:15

LTB. It’s pathetic and abusive behaviour.

IncrediblySadToo · 13/01/2020 17:16

Why should I tolerate that?

You shouldn’t.

The real question is - why are you choosing to?

Mary1935 · 13/01/2020 17:27

It’s the message you are both passing onto your children you need to think about.

AutumnRose1 · 13/01/2020 17:27

Sounds miserable

Also no reason for him to be annoyed anyway

Do you want to live the rest of your life like this?

Enoughisenoughhhhh · 13/01/2020 17:28

Oh god I had a 'd'p who did this. Whole days or weeks would pass with me a) having genuinely no clue what I had 'done' or b) trying to get him to accept my apology for some minor transgression and move on. At the time, I thought it must be me. I imagined I was a very difficult person to be with. I did not recognise it for the abuse that it was. Life was immeasurably better once he decided to end the relationship. I wholeheartedly wish I'd made that decision earlier and wasted less time walking on egg shells. Btw he also hated my Male friendships but did not like the outward self image of being jealous so made up other non issues to blame his irrational feelings on. I hope you decide to make it clear one way or the other that this is not acceptable behaviour. Good luck op.

Equanimitas · 13/01/2020 17:28

If this has been going on for years and he still hasn't worked out how to behave like an adult, he's not going to grow up now. Do you want to have to put up with this for the rest of your life?

Drabarni · 13/01/2020 17:29

Wtf are you still with him, years of putting up with this shit.
life's too short.

SilverySurfer · 13/01/2020 17:30

OP, when the time comes you've had enough, post on the relationship board, the people on their have a vast range of experience and knowledge.

VinandVigour · 13/01/2020 17:33

There was a thread about this just the other day.

As I said on that, three months was the maximum period my husband refused to speak to me. I don’t honestly know why I stayed.....small children, finances, i was the working parent and he had stayed at home, he told me I wouldn’t ‘get the children’ it was many years ago, and I don’t think anyone would have taken it seriously if I’d said anything. He only started talking again because is explained to him that the children were scared.
Carolina your comment, although true, has made me cry.

Likethebattle · 13/01/2020 17:36

Walk. My father was like this either sulking or raging. I am a people pleasing pushover who hate confrontation so will do anything to avoid it. This is how his behaviour affected me and my brother lives in his nerves. Do you want your kids to be affected? Leave him.

Highonpotandused · 13/01/2020 17:39

My ex gave me silent treatment. I did the same as you OP, initially trying to jolly him out of it. We then went to counselling on the verge of divorce where he agreed not to do it anymore. But it started up again a few months later. The longest he didn’t speak to me was a month. When he realised I wasn’t going to jolly him out of the sulks anymore he started trying to resume comms after a week or so, but by that time I was angry because he expected everything to go back to normal when he was ready. If I ever became quiet after a argument he never tried to jolly me out of it. It was extremely toxic and damaging to my self-esteem.

Someone posted this link once which I found very helpful.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.goodtherapy.org/blog/silent-treatment-a-narcissistic-persons-preferred-weapon-0602145/amp/

Atthebottomofthegarden · 13/01/2020 17:39

My ex used to do this. I’d put off telling him things that I knew would put him in a sulk for days sometimes - eg I’m going out for an evening. I couldn’t put my finger on why I wanted to split up at the time (I thought it was normal), but my God I can see it now.

DH does it very occasionally (though not about the same sort of thing); I just completely ignore it, and tell our daughter he’s a grumpy git. It is not on the same scale as ex, possibly as I ignore it!

firesong · 13/01/2020 17:40

Oh god, my ex used to do this. Entire weekends... DD took her first steps, very delayed, and he wouldn't come to buy shoes for her because he was ignoring me. It was pathetic.

At first I used to get very upset and try to appease him, but in the end I was disgusted and just carried on with life as usual. His behaviour (plus other horrible stuff like name calling and twisting my words during any argument) led me to leave.

Enoughisenoughhhhh · 13/01/2020 17:40

your partner feels that he has the authority to punish you/impose sanctions if you displease him
what makes him feel it's OK to do that, who does he think he is?

Yes, this.

Livebythecoast · 13/01/2020 17:42

Life is too short for this kind of shit.
If my DH acted like that the conversation would go like this;
ME: what's wrong?
HIM: Nothing (Or silence).
ME: well there is clearly something so if we can't communicate then I suggest you piss off for the day and come back when you've grown up and can hold an adult conversation. Bye 🙋‍♀️.

Seriously though OP, you and your children don't deserve this ridiculous treatment

NorthEndGal · 13/01/2020 17:42

Did he act like this before you were married?

littlealexhorne · 13/01/2020 17:43

It depends, I'll react like he did if I'm dealing with somebody I know to be bad tempered and who will respond in a disproportionately angry manner. Not saying thats necessarily the case with you though OP.

Livebythecoast · 13/01/2020 17:43

*Not sure where that second emoji came from

Highonpotandused · 13/01/2020 17:44

@Livebythecoast yes I would do something like that but the silence would continue (for longer now that I had dared to minimise his right to sulk). Even though I got on with life, the silent treatment was like a cloud hanging over me.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 13/01/2020 17:48

I don’t have much of a temper but this would enrage me.
Have you tried yelling “You big fat baby! Have you any idea how pathetic and unattractive your man-child sulk act is? If I have to tolerate another second of this immature behaviour I am going to develop vaginal atrophy! Grow the fuck up and discuss things like an adult”.
What a disrespectful dullard.

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