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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not tolerate being cold shouldered

112 replies

loopery · 13/01/2020 16:18

What do you do if you are cold shouldered or given the silent treatment by your DH/partner everytime you have an issue or disagreement? Yesterday was because I wore a T-shirt that was a very thoughtful xmas present from a very old friend. I asked what was up and he denied anything being wrong at all but the sulk is blatant. So if I ask and give an opportunity for him to say what the issue is or how he feels he just dismisses but carries on anyway. I’ve told him it is unacceptable behaviour and abusive but however I approach this I’m accused of “attacking”. I’ve tried ignoring and doing the same back (give as good as I get) and that time the silent treatment lasted for a week. Years ago I used to end up chasing for resolution and being the fixer and doing the “I’m sorry if you feel I....” whatever it is but I’m tired of always having to apologise to smooth the waters when he’s adamant he’s always the victim and I’m the crazy one. Yesterday was obvious though. It’s not my fault that he got the hump about my T-shirt but I was then punished by his distance for the whole day. How do you (if you suffer this) deal with this type of person?

OP posts:

lanbro · 13/01/2020 17:49

Yep, mine is now xh too, wore me down eventually

UYScuti · 13/01/2020 17:55

as a tactic it can so easily backfire
the sulker is telling you (by implication) that he believes his refusal to engage is a punishment for you, but since he's shown himself to be a dick you are very likely to realise that it's a REWARD
because no one wants to engage with people who act like dicks:)

EKGEMS · 13/01/2020 17:58

Amaretto I think you've been day drinking,dear the OP has posted her jackass husband is angry she's wearing a shirt from a male friend she works out with at her gym.

pointythings · 13/01/2020 17:58

You deal with it very simply: You tell him to stop sulking like a baby. You tell him if he does it again, you will divorce hi'm. Then you follow through.

He thinks you're attacking him? Show him what that really means.

HoldMyLobster · 13/01/2020 17:58

My dad did this - he was the NRP but I spent all my school holidays at his house.

My stepmum jollied us all along, ignored him, was happy when he stopped sulking, he never really paid any sort of price for his juvenile behaviour.

When I was 15 I let him know I wasn't visiting him any more because of his behaviour.

He's sulked ever since. 35 years and counting. What a twat. His loss.

Cherrysoup · 13/01/2020 18:04

It’s all very well saying zero tolerance and you wouldn’t accept this, but how do you make them talk when they’re on a major ‘I’m determined to be a twat’ sulk? It’s not so easy as telling them they’re wankers and telling them to leave.

A friend of the family did/does this to his wife. I fucking hate him. He’s totally screwed up his 4 kids, all are depressed/on tablets/have major anxiety yet my family are still best mates with him. He’s a fucking idiot. I can’t bear the sight of him.

HighlyUnlikely · 13/01/2020 18:17

My thankfully ExP once refused to speak to me until I'd written an email to him apologising for and explaining my 'terrible' behaviour and wanting me to beg for his forgiveness. He refused to have the conversation face to face.

The terrible behaviour? Sleeping with other men and generally behaving like a young, single 20 something year old... many years before I'd ever met him.

He was told, not very nicely, to fuck off.

OP, I've used this phrase far too many times recently but, life really is too short for this kind of shit.

GabriellaMontez · 13/01/2020 18:18

You can't make them talk cherry. But you can decide you don't want to be part of the relationship and start to make alternative plans. No, often its not easy. But worth it.

Highonpotandused · 13/01/2020 18:30

Yes, it's usually two camps.

One where the man is told he is acting like a baby and needs to stop ASAP, and he realises his partner won't accept it, so he stops doing it.

Second where you tell him the above, and it makes no difference, they will continue to give you the silent treatment until you have apologised and even the apology, he will choose the right time to bestow his words on you. They never change.

MrsPerfect12 · 13/01/2020 18:36

I'm a child from a home like this. It's hell for the children and when old enough he will do it to them too. LTB for emotional abuse.

Yeahnah2020 · 13/01/2020 18:37

You leave. In m experience these people never ever change. Get him to counselling and tell him if he doesn’t change leave. Why are you putting up with this????? He has no respect for you and if certainly never respect a sulker like he is.

marriednotdead · 13/01/2020 18:43

Another one who had this on the list of unreasonable behaviours cited in their divorce. Please don't think it won't affect your DCs, would you want any of them putting up with that from someone who is supposed to love them?
The catalyst for me was the realisation that the DCs were next, once I'd outwardly stopped caring so he couldn't get to me any more.

frumpety · 13/01/2020 18:44

DH tried this on two occasions in the first couple of years after we got together, I rang my friend and had a very loud conversation about his behaviour and how it was all because he thought I shouldn't go out on my own and leave him to deal with a two year old all by himself , but he couldn't say it out loud because he would like a ridiculous misogynistic knob. He stormed out of the house on the second occasion, so I locked the door and left the keys in, its difficult to ignore someone when you want to get into the house, he ended up apologising via the letterbox ! He was furious that I had shared his childishness with someone else, I explained if he did it again I would share it with everyone in our phone book. He hasn't done it again.

Chloemol · 13/01/2020 18:45

If it’s continual I would be leaving.

OutFoxxedByABadger · 13/01/2020 18:46

Fuck that shit. I couldn't be with a sulker, or in a relationship where he was jealous of my male friends. That's insanely unhealthy.

TooManyPaws · 13/01/2020 18:47

This was one of the weapons in my father's range of emotional abuse. My mother ignored it and went on with her life and laughed about it to me, but it was just one of his abusive behaviours that screwed my mental health up for life. Get your children out of that situation. This is not a man who thinks that you are an equal partner, nor someone who cares about the effect on his children of his behaviour.

Countryandconfused · 13/01/2020 18:49

Just to give a different opinion on this . Although all posters above may be correct in your case , it could also be something completely different . He, like I , could just be avoiding confrontation which is what it sounds like . Sometimes it’s much easier to say nothing at all than to have a fight over something trivial . I do this all the time if there’s any chance of confrontation . I don’t do it to ignore, isolate etc the person and it’s certainly not abuse as one poster has suggested !!!!! It simply gives me time to collect my thoughts , hope the other person will cool it a bit and come up with an answer or a way of explaining my version of events or opinion .

I’m not saying it’s right and it annoyed my dh at the beginning too but people are different and have different ways of dealing with things .

TimeforanotherChange · 13/01/2020 18:51

My ex used to do this and I took to saying, 'What's the problem?' and when he said 'Nothing' in short tones I answered breezily, 'Oh good! I thought you were sulking like a baby about something again...'

Note that he is an ex.

EerieSilence · 13/01/2020 18:51

I would be miffed. I gave my colleague I really like a Christmas present - a Grinch silly jumper, fudge and some fancy salt flaky stuff.
His wife and his son took the jumper to their Christmas parties and his niece wanted to nick it off him. Neither they nor my DH felt insulted because that's how grown up people behave.

Lardlizard · 13/01/2020 18:51

Actually leave him for a few days then he will realise what a dick
Give him one last chance
If he carries on
Dump him for good

Livebythecoast · 13/01/2020 18:55

@Highonpotandused - sorry you went through that - I suppose it's easy for me to write what I would say if I was in that situation (hypothetical) but not so easy when it's real life. I hope you're in a better situation now.

Leaannb · 13/01/2020 19:03

Silent treatment is emotional abuse. I don't put up with people abusing me. I would file for divorce

longtimelurkerhelen · 13/01/2020 19:06

@Countryandconfused

It's okay to walk away to calm down and think things over, it's abuse to use your silence over a long period of time to punish the other person. Big Difference.

Countryandconfused · 13/01/2020 19:10

Just my opinion . I know if I feel someone has their back up I will avoid at all costs . Again , it may well be different is posters case.

BedSprings · 13/01/2020 19:29

I was married to a passive aggressive sulker for many many years,
there's no magic words that will turn them in to decent human beings op. Don't waste your time - they wallow in the anguish they're causing.

I read where a psychologist reported that he'd never know a moody sulker to change their behaviour and he would advise anyone
now to deal with it full on and say they either stop the silent treatment or the marriage is over and mean it.

I agree with that.
It could have saved me years of mental turmoil wondering what the fuck was up with the sullen bastard.

I'm divorced now and life is a thousand times better.
I can recommend it.

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