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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

AIBU for wanting my wife-to-be to take my surname?

256 replies

confusedandsleepy · 13/01/2020 02:12

Hi all, I know I'm new here, but me and my wife to be wanted a bit of outside help.

We are due to get married in October and a few days ago my partner told me she wasn't sure if she wanted to take my surname as she wasn't sure if it would sound right. Ever since I proposed I have thought of her with my surname, at first it sounded a bit odd (having known her with her surname and then suddenly the thought of a different surname will obviously sound a bit odd).

This hurt me quite a bit as I wanted her to have the same surname as me and our daughter (our daughter has my surname and it's not the name she has a problem with, it's just that she doesn't think it goes with her first name). But to me, part of getting married is ending up with the same surname.

AIBU for wanting my partner to take my surname when we get married this year?

OP posts:
FramingDevice · 13/01/2020 12:34

So women never own their names? Only men?

Apparently not. When a baby boy's name is registered, it sticks fast to him for his entire life and is so crucial to his sense of his identity that he wants to make everyone he marries have his name too, not to mention his children. When a baby girl's name is registered, it's on a special pink certificate that says 'Daddy's Name', with a perforated strip so she always knows that she can tear off her Temporary Starter Name and replace it with her Real Married One, just as soon as her prince comes calling. Hmm

Or, you know, not, but you'd think that was the case from the way some people post on here. Imagine referring to men's birth names as their Ickle Boy Starter Names.

RB68 · 13/01/2020 12:34

yes unreasonable, she should not feel pressured if to her its not part of the deal. I resent having changed my name - I really didn't want to and did it to keep the peace....should have told me all I needed to know about that marriage. Second time around didn't bother me

PortiaCastis · 13/01/2020 12:35

I'm getting married at Easter and there's no way I'm taking his name as I've got my own name and his is shit.
Seriously why would I want his name I'm not going to be his possession am I, conversely why doesn't he take my name?

SoupDragon · 13/01/2020 12:35

I think a lot of posters missed the bit where you said your children together have your name and you wanted to all have the same surname.

No.

Posts of you changing your name are immaterial

No they aren't. If he wants a family name, he can change his.

Are you missing the bit where he said "Ever since I proposed I have thought of her with my surname". With his surname, only his.

SoupDragon · 13/01/2020 12:37

Imagine referring to men's birth names as their Ickle Boy Starter Names.

Why? No one has used the phrase "Ickle Girl Starter Name" so it would be bloody stupid to use the boy equivalent.

AutumnRose1 · 13/01/2020 12:38

well this is easy

you and daughter change to her name. Sorted. Pity she didn't have DD take her name initially but oh well, it's done now.

Arthritica · 13/01/2020 12:43

YABVU

And have had your ass handed to you here, so I doubt you’ll be back

HuggedTrees · 13/01/2020 12:48

Nice post and run.

Ok then, YABU. Change your name. You must be besties with my MIL

NeedAnExpert · 13/01/2020 12:48

An expectation that a woman should take a man's surname upon marriage seems very sexist to me

The very fact that women are expected to even think about it while men aren’t is sexism.

user1480880826 · 13/01/2020 12:49

Take her surname you old mysogynist.

MNHQ
MichaelMumsnet · 13/01/2020 12:50

Hi all. Yes, it looks like the OP has left the site and won't be back to contribute to the discussion. We'll leave it running for now...

Hepsibar · 13/01/2020 12:53

I changed mine outside of work but kept my maiden name in work ... until the computer system changed and then I had to use my legal name on the system.

I found it so sad losing my family name and it seemed part of myself. I would suggest double barrelled for any children and both of you or keep each others surnames.

I regret now changing it, as that person who I was is now lost forever.

FramingDevice · 13/01/2020 12:54

No one has used the phrase "Ickle Girl Starter Name"

Well, find me an equivalent to the bizarrely frequently used 'maiden name', which is not a synonym for 'birth name', as it has the connotation of starter name, young girl name -- in French it's 'nom de jeune fille'. 'Immature male name?' 'Young boy name?'

MulticolourMophead · 13/01/2020 13:02

I took my DH's surname because as I saw it, 'my' surname was actually my dad's, rather than mine,

From the moment I was registered with my name, that surname has been mine as much as my dad's.

In the same way, your DH has his dad's name.

I am in my early 50s. I have never, and will never change my name.

crosstalk · 13/01/2020 13:03

Where's the OP?

FramingDevice · 13/01/2020 13:06

You amaze me, @MichaelMumsnet. Grin

Perhaps the OP has gone off, enlightened, to change his own name by deed poll. Or not... Grin

billy1966 · 13/01/2020 13:10

Totally unreasonable OP.

I would go so far as to say it is actually none of your business.

But then I cannot imagine why any woman would want to change the name they were born with.

It's ok that you want it OP.
Not ok to express the desire.

I think men who make an issue of this, to be pratish.

No offence intended.

💐

acatcalledjohn · 13/01/2020 13:21

I would say that I can't believe what I'm reading, but I can.

Tradition says a woman takes her husband's name.

Tradition says the woman's family pay a hefty sum to the groom's family for her keep.

Tradition says a woman is given away by her father.

Put succinctly: Tradition says women are worth less than men and are to be traded as a commodity.

Fuck. That. Shit.

StripeyDeckchair · 13/01/2020 13:37

You are being SO unreasonable in expecting your partner to change her name.

If it matters that much to you that you have the same surname then change your surname to hers when you marry. Sorted.

NotInMySurname · 13/01/2020 13:41

Fittingly name changed for this...

But then I cannot imagine why any woman would want to change the name they were born with.

Now, I know I am a rather extreme case, and I support any woman’s choice (and it is a choice) to keep or change their name, but in my case, I changed my surname because I love the man I married, whereas the man from whom I inherited my original surname from is a convicted paedophile. I found it quite cathartic to let that name go.

OnceUponAThread · 13/01/2020 15:24

How old are you both? If I'd got married v. young (I.e. early twenties) I probably would have changed my surname, firstly because it was still seen as the done thing a decade ago to a certain extent, and also because I wouldn't have thought about it so much.

Now, in my 30s, not a chance - purely from a professional perspective. I've spent a decade building up my career and have qualifications and industry awards under my surname. When I apply for new jobs or take on new business clients that stands me in good stead and I wouldn't give all that up for some archaic tradition that's more about ownership than love.

My OH and I have talked about double-barrelling or maybe portmanteau-ing. And to be honest I'm much more likely to consider it when he's talking about meeting me halfway and us changing together. But even if we do that... I'll still want to keep my old name professionally, which might make the whole thing more hassle than it's worth.

abitlostandalwayshungry · 13/01/2020 15:25

YABU

If it bothers you - easy fix: take her name.

SoupDragon · 13/01/2020 15:37

I took my DH's surname because as I saw it, 'my' surname was actually my dad's, rather than mine,

Why are people selectively quoting this and missing off the somewhat important part that continues with and given the state of my relationship with my dad as a child, I just felt like I'd rather have DH's name since that was the only choice.

NeedAnExpert · 13/01/2020 15:38

I regret now changing it, as that person who I was is now lost forever.

You can change it back......

NeedAnExpert · 13/01/2020 15:38

Why are people selectively quoting this and missing off the somewhat important part that continues with and given the state of my relationship with my dad as a child, I just felt like I'd rather have DH's name since that was the only choice.

How was that the only choice? It’s never the only choice.