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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU for wanting my wife-to-be to take my surname?

256 replies

confusedandsleepy · 13/01/2020 02:12

Hi all, I know I'm new here, but me and my wife to be wanted a bit of outside help.

We are due to get married in October and a few days ago my partner told me she wasn't sure if she wanted to take my surname as she wasn't sure if it would sound right. Ever since I proposed I have thought of her with my surname, at first it sounded a bit odd (having known her with her surname and then suddenly the thought of a different surname will obviously sound a bit odd).

This hurt me quite a bit as I wanted her to have the same surname as me and our daughter (our daughter has my surname and it's not the name she has a problem with, it's just that she doesn't think it goes with her first name). But to me, part of getting married is ending up with the same surname.

AIBU for wanting my partner to take my surname when we get married this year?

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 13/01/2020 08:53

So if he changed his name to hers as everyone's suggesting, the child would have a different name to both of them.

No. They can easily change the chid's name too.

Surely the mother should have given the child her name from the start, knowing she didn't think his name went with her's.....then all this drama could have been prevented.

The only "drama" is of the father's making. The mother is perfectly happy.

Aneley · 13/01/2020 08:53

I didn't change my surname (foreign and somewhat difficult to pronounce), although I absolutely love my DH's surname and our DD has his surname, for several reasons:

  1. I already had a career when I decided to marry my DH and wanted to keep the recognition my full name/surname had in my field
  2. Paperwork
  3. It is part of my identity

My husband was perfectly fine with that and I can tell you I wish all the people the kind of marriage we have - surname had nothing to do with how close, respectful of each other or loving we are.

Strategicchoring · 13/01/2020 08:53

I live abroad where women automatically keep their own surnames and are still known by them on official documents and personally and professionally after marriage. It's changing thankfully but the UK is still a bit behind the curve with this. YADBU. Your wife has her own separate identity and should be able to do what she wants wrt which surname she adopts.

SVRT19674 · 13/01/2020 08:54

Oh and I'm Spanish, and women have never taken their husband's surname and life goes on just fine. Get over it.

Dandelion1993 · 13/01/2020 08:56

I don't think YABU at all.

When I got married it was really important to my husband that I took his name. He comes from a family where his dad works in the church so very traditional.

It meant a lot to him plus I really liked the idea of using it. I've never been overly attached to my maiden name. It was just a thing that linked me to my family, but now it's the same as my husband and children, I feel a sense of pride about it.

PinkMonkeyBird · 13/01/2020 08:57

Old fashioned notion to expect your wife to take your surname. However, it is up to the individual to make that decision and you have to respect the fact she doesn't want to take your name. You cannot force her

When I married (my ex-H) I took his surname purely because I always hated my maiden name. When we divorced I kept it. I then had a LTR for 10 years and if we had got married, there was no way I was taking his surname because a) I didn't like it and b) it would have sounded odd with my first name. He got a bit shirty when we discussed the possibility of getting married (thank goodness I didn't marry him!), that I still had my ex-H's name.

Some people are very sentimental about their names, which is understandable, but yes YABU.

glittercats · 13/01/2020 08:57

Are you the DH to be of the poster on the other name-changing thread? Two threads in one morning on the same topic?

You want your wife to take your name, so you thought to look for support on MN AIBU Grin. Right then.,,,

BoreOfWhabylon · 13/01/2020 08:59
Hmm
Wingedserpentfliesbynight · 13/01/2020 08:59

YABU - If you really want all of you to have the same surname then change yours to hers, and change or double barrel the surname of your DC.
'taking' your husbands name is so archaic IMHO, taking your wife's name still doesn't make that much sense to me but at least it's a little subversive.
I had friends who created a new surname out of both of theirs - try that?

SleepDeprivedElf · 13/01/2020 09:00

Of course YABU - and still resident in the Dark Ages!

SoupDragon · 13/01/2020 09:01

plus I really liked the idea of using it

So, completely different to the woman in the OP's scenario.

I changed my name and feel like you about my maiden name. I still don't think anyone should change their name unless they actually want to and no one has the right to tell them to do anything with their name.

MindyStClaire · 13/01/2020 09:06

YANBU to have a preference.

YABVU to think you get a vote.

You get to name your children, not your wife.

(I very happily changed my name on marriage, but my husband would never have pressured me either way.)

peardrops1 · 13/01/2020 09:08

I would not marry a man who expected me to take his name. Gross.

orangeblosssom · 13/01/2020 09:09

It's 2020. I think females shouldn't have to take on their fathers' or husbands' names.
Let's move on to a less patriarchal naming systems.

HelloViroids · 13/01/2020 09:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

RuffleCrow · 13/01/2020 09:14

Yabvvvvu

She's not your property, she doesn't have to take your name if she doesn't want to.

Tbh the fact you even have a problem with this suggests your attitude to marriage and women needs dragging into the 21st century. Have some counselling, OP.

Madcats · 13/01/2020 09:23

DH and I had been known as a couple for a a good 15 years before we married (primarily because of parenthood). i saw no need to change my surname. Perhaps I was a little bit lazy too - no need to learn a new signature and alter all the bank accounts/membership/store loyalty cards etc.

It is a really useful way of filtering phone calls - if somebody asks for Mrs (DH's) surname I know neither of us have asked them to phone us.

KatherineJaneway · 13/01/2020 09:23

Your post is perilously close to 'it's the done thing'.

Nope, just an observation.

bridgetreilly · 13/01/2020 09:31

YANBU to have and express a preference that she takes your surname.

But YWBU to somehow compel her to do so if she doesn't want to. It's her name and her choice.

frankincenseandmur · 13/01/2020 09:43

YABU, change yours or double barrel it if it means that much to you

HoppingPavlova · 13/01/2020 09:49

Why would she want to take your name. She has her own name. If a set of matching names is so important to you then take hers and change your child’s.

I didn’t take my DH’s name. He didn’t expect me to and if I had wanted to he wouldn’t have married me as I wouldn’t have been the person he thought he was marrying with values that aligned to his.

For what it’s worth our kids don’t have either of our names but rather a new name made from the letters of both our names. We are not less if a family unit because of this. Kids have always known we are their parents, other people seem to know kids belong to us. Heck, the govnt even assumes/knows our kids belong to us. Never any confusion regarding the family unit in over 20 years!

AngelsSins · 13/01/2020 09:51

You have no say in her name, you don’t own her. Why don’t you change your name if you want the same name as her?

florascotia2 · 13/01/2020 09:56

OP For most of the past, even in the UK, women did not usually take their husbands' names, or get called 'Mrs'. Both these customs are relatively recent, dating from the 19th/early 20th centuries. Neither have anything to do with 'being a family', historically speaking.
Have a read of this: www.cam.ac.uk/research/news/mistress-miss-mrs-or-ms-untangling-the-shifting-history-of-titles

WeeSleekitTimerousMoosey · 13/01/2020 09:58

Your partner has already been incredibly accommodating in using your surname for your child. My children have my surname and when we married many years later my husband chose to keep his own.

As others have said if your that fussed take her name.

AngelsSins · 13/01/2020 10:11

Also why do you think your opinion on this has any weight? Do you actually believe you should get as much say in HER NAME, as she does? Is she allowed to rename you as well?