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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To despise guests staying longer than a night?

127 replies

ConfusedPupMama · 12/01/2020 16:43

Ugh I just hate the intrusion into my space and having someone constantly there wittering.
My MIL has been here since Thursday now and I really just want her to go! She does go tomorrow but it’s not soon enough for me. I want space before starting the working week again!
I would feel this way if my own mother imposed herself for this long too 😫. I’m really struggling today not to tell her to FO!
We went out for lunch and I told my child off for lashing out at me when I passed her sister a colouring pencil when she had wanted to pass it. MIL then proceeds to tell me that I shouldn’t have leant over my young child to get the pencil and that I needed to teach them it was rude. This is a woman who burps out loud so a lesson in manners from her is really not welcome.
I then got a ticking off for walking off ahead of them to get home. It was freezing cold and she faffs and walks ridiculously slow. So I walked off ahead with my older child leaving DH, MIL and youngest child to walk back together. Apparently I shouldn’t have done that because poor DH obviously cannot be expected to see a 4 year old home without my input. I just wanted 5 minutes breathing space grrrr.

Anyway I had better brace myself to go back into the room they are all in. I’ve had lots of comments and digs from DH about how much time Ive had to myself. No I’m just hiding in the bedroom to get away from your bloody mother!!

OP posts:
FrenchBoule · 12/01/2020 21:58

Where is your DH in that? MIL stays whole weekend gracing you with her derogatory comments, what is he doing?

hatfullofmallow · 12/01/2020 22:06

Depends on the guest for me.

Friend who will help themselves, happy to have a lazy morning and doesn't expect to be waited on or entertained is fine. I had a friend here for 4 days over the summer and it was really nice.

I have other friends who

I don't really have family to stay as they're local

hatfullofmallow · 12/01/2020 22:07

Pressed fucking send, why can't we edit posts?!

I have other friends who I know would be hard work if they stayed with me.

Mumtotwo82 · 12/01/2020 22:10

I would hate that 🤪 I'm mean I think you are being reasonable to say 3 nights. 1 or 2 max is surely enough. Really you should try your best to have your space by the end of this visit and let DH to more of the entertainment, it's his mum. Go for a bath or just relax by yourself before starting work. I would mention the fact you can't sleep effects you, to your DH lack of sleep really will after a couple of nights. Also that you enjoy having her the first night but it's too much after a few days. Surely it's better for everyone if you are all happy like the first night, why spoil it, shorter visits sound better. Does your DH enjoy the long visits?

Phineyj · 12/01/2020 22:21

YANBU. Non working people should not stay over Sunday night in a working household unless it's unavoidable - just causes stress.

Practical idea - I also have the spare room/snoring issue and after seeing a recommendation on here I got a Bed in a Bag thing from Argos which I jam into the box room to retreat to. Plan ahead! Actually make DH sleep on it. That'll learn him.

user2085372673 · 12/01/2020 22:23

If you can’t all fit in the car that’s the perfect excuse to send them off and do something without you. If she’s there 4 nights it’s really not your responsibility to be there for all of it. How old are your children?

Original poster
ConfusedPupMama · 12/01/2020 22:26

DH is around during her visits but he is an extrovert and though she does annoy him she’s his mother. So he doesn’t really see it as an issue.
He would also say that he has to put up with my mother when she stays. But she only stays when we ask her to and she never invites herself. Plus when she is here she does so much with the children ( including getting up at the crack of dawn with them) that for DH it’s a complete break, and for me it’s a real help. MIL hasn’t done a single thing with, or for, the children so there’s not much of a flip side.

OP posts:
Original poster
ConfusedPupMama · 12/01/2020 22:29

PhineyJ - MIL is in the box room already. Plus she stays up until the early hours, by which time my children are stirring shortly thereafter so the sofa is out too. On Friday night I ended up in bed with my 4 year old which didn’t really work out for me sleep wise either.

OP posts:
ILoveYou3000 · 12/01/2020 22:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ILoveYou3000 · 12/01/2020 22:33

Sorry from thread, have reported.

ILoveYou3000 · 12/01/2020 22:34

Wrong**

Likethebattle · 12/01/2020 23:49

Every mot r your husband snores you wake him up and hiss your are snoring again!’ After a night of that he’ll be happy to get the spare room back.

I hate having people stay and MIL turns on the guilt to stay over on Christmas night....she lives 10 minutes away. We only get the standard holidays so by the time we lever her from the house and get home it’s about 6 on Boxing Day and we are back at work the next day :( My mother leaves about 8pm and that’s great.

My ideal Boxing Day is snuggling in bed, then a lazy breakfast, chocolate, films...bit of adult time with DH. Instead I have to hear about MILS bowel issues, make her breakfast and endless cups of tea whilst she gaffs about trying to extend her time here.

CookPassBabtridge · 12/01/2020 23:54

I've just had mine stay for 3 days and it was far too much. I hate the intrusion and not being able to relax. She is always there! This goes for any guest by the way. Even one night is hard.

Welltroddenpath · 13/01/2020 00:10

Mil sometimes stays for six months at a time on and off after she moved abroad. I don’t like that she feels everything needs to be done her way but also hardly ever helps to prepare food, set table, wash up etc so I’m left (with dh) waiting on her every need.

But what’s really worse is not having fil in my kids life. He never visits, we are never asked up either. On balance it’s better having mildly irritating grandparents in the kids lives than lovely but emotionally and physically absent ones.

As the kids get older they see people’s ways and are also mildly put out. But the total disinterest and lack of bond / love for FIL. Well that’s brutal.

Orangeblossom78 · 13/01/2020 05:19

I know someone whose fil and DH go off to the pub on extended in law visits leaving her with mil and the DC. And it goes on for weeks. Sounds like a nightmare

Ragwort · 13/01/2020 06:55

As another poster said, why on earth doesn’t your DH take her out with or without the children? Surely there is something they like to do together and that would give you a break? You don’t all need to be together 24/7.

Feelabitmeh · 13/01/2020 08:12

This is, no joke, part of the reason why we bought a house smaller and cheaper than what we could afford. I didn't want a spare room, or any question of "can we stay". No, you can't. I hate it. I come from a family where everyone visited and stayed in each other's houses, and even as a child it drove me demented. I was always having to give up my bed or to perch on a blow up mattress in someone's living room. Hate it. Desperately need my own space and always have. I don't inflict myself on other people either, I would rather stay in the travelodge next door. I do actually enjoy visiting and having visitors because of this. I know my space is protected, so I can enjoy their company without feeling like an invader or the invaded. Worth every penny

GabriellaMontez · 13/01/2020 08:51

You are the only person, quietly seething in this situation. Everyone else does and says as they please. Why ? No wonder you're furious.

Perhaps next time you need to prepare a few calm, assertive lines as pp have suggested. Include "I'm having an early night as I didn't sleep last night " as you disappear at 9pm with a book and a glass of wine.

If she doesn't like it perhaps she'll shorten her visits...

Original poster
ConfusedPupMama · 13/01/2020 10:55

Trust me I do have very early nights - 7pm yesterday! But then I end up feeling like a petulant teen.
Anyway the visit is now over so I can breathe a sigh of relief! Though she mentioned her next visit before she went. i do think she genuinely does not pick up on my hostility.

OP posts:
HolesinTheSoles · 13/01/2020 11:16

Glad it's over OP YANBU. My Mil sounds less annoying than yours but she still just doesn't stop talking, she also has no filter and will just come into the bedroom when me an DH are already in bed to show us a picture on her phone. Every time I walk past her there'll be something she needs. She lives in a different country so needs to stay at least a week. She's a lovely lady but I do a little dance when she finally leaves.

EKGEMS · 13/01/2020 11:59

I almost left my husband over his damn snoring and refusal to admit the problem-turns our he has severe apnea and listened to the doctor telling him his snoring was life threatening and he now wears cpap at night. Your husband is a selfish ass-I had to lose my shit with mine screaming at three am for him to finally go to the doctor

Orangeblossom78 · 13/01/2020 12:07

What is it with people inviting themselves? You'd think they would wait to be asked. Maybe you need to be 'busy' OP...and 'need to check it out with DH' when she 'mentions the next visit'

Drum2018 · 13/01/2020 12:08

I’ve had lots of comments and digs from DH about how much time Ive had to myself.

I'd be telling him where to shove his comments. Next time she decides to come and stay you really should think about getting away yourself for a couple of nights during her visit. Organise a visit to your own parents or siblings, or a girls weekend away with friends. Leave your Dh to entertain his mother.

Drum2018 · 13/01/2020 12:09

And record your dhs snoring so he can hear how bad it is. Play it back to him during the night when he's asleep and see how he likes it.

hungrywalrus · 13/01/2020 12:23

My mil used to stay for 6 weeks. I have now ensured that visits are not to be linger than 3. She is rude, creates drama (shouts and slams doors when she doesn’t get her way), doesn’t clean up her mess, doesn’t help with the kids (no nappies, no bathtime etc), occupies the kitchen making food that is so greasy and overlooked that no one wants to eat it, when taken for a day out it’s too hot/cold/sunny/ far, never ever puts her hand in her pocket for anything. I would never expect a guest to pay for groceries but would appreciate being maybe taken for dinner. During this time, a cold will be acquired which means taking to bed, medicines to be bought and hell to pay if she’s not extensively looked after ( that was the cause of drama when my youngest was 3 weeks old. As if I had time to look after an adult).

After about 2 weeks, I usually find ways to be out of the house as much as possible. Apparently the fact that I can’t hide the fact that I dislike her is reason for her to not like me. If my mother pulled even half as much of this crap, I’d be asking her to leave my home.

So yes I get you. But it could be so much worse.