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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be angry at siblings?

137 replies

Gemm83 · 12/01/2020 11:49

Dad's birthday in a couple of weeks. Going for a weekend away to celebrate in lovely house. Friends are very kindly paying for us as there is no way DH and I could afford it. However, I'm still stressing about finances as in to fill car up with diesel and pay our way with the "big shop"

I am currently on bog standard SMP and whilst DH is full time once all bills are paid we probably have around £150 disposable income to do what we want with.

My Sister text me yesterday and said "Oh by the way we (sister and brother) have got Dad a Tag watch for his birthday. We are paying monthly so you need to set up a direct debit to one of our accounts for your share!!! WTF??!! Now, in the grand scheme of things they are paying the majority and £10 a month isn't a massive thing... But over 18 months that's £180! The watch itself is entry level, but still cost over £1000. Its not even a special birthday.

I am totally fucked off because they didn't even mention they were getting a present and I now feel completely compelled to contribute as otherwise I'm going to look like a complete arsehole!!!

They are both well off and have form for this. Last time was a £600 watch and £100 bottle of perfume... Again I felt forced to contribute.

AIBU??

OP posts:
74NewStreet · 12/01/2020 15:28

Strange viewpoint. No reason at all that op’s friends should be sad that op couldn’t join them at op’s own father’s birthday bash.
Love that you’re so adamant that it’s a perfectly reasonable way to behave; not everyone would agree.

CarolinaPink · 12/01/2020 15:31

Just tell them you can’t afford it, and you’ll be choosing your own present. As your brother and sister they must understand that they’re in a stronger financial position than you Hmm

1forsorrow · 12/01/2020 15:35

Strange viewpoint. No reason at all that op’s friends should be sad that op couldn’t join them at op’s own father’s birthday bash. Because when a group of friends and family go away to celebrate it would be perfectly normal to miss people who couldn't afford to attend and feel sad that they couldn't be part of it. Don't you have friends who like to include you in things?

74NewStreet · 12/01/2020 15:41

It’s op’s family who should be “including her in things”, given that the whole celebration is centred on her father.
To answer your question, no; I wouldn’t expect my friends to be the ones to include me in things that they themselves were only peripherally involved in.

AlwaysCheddar · 12/01/2020 15:47

Just say you’ve got your own present sorted.

Hairydogmummy · 12/01/2020 15:49

Some people being so over dramatic on this thread. Various members of your family/family friends have made kind and generous gestures to you. They probably can see you're not well off at the moment, are v close and value you and want you to join them and be part of joint present. Sure that you'd do the same for them. Maybe they even told you it was monthly payments as they thought it might make things easier for you. I'm sure it was well intentioned. Have a lovely time and just make a mental note to say you'd rather do separate presents when it comes to his next birthday.

1forsorrow · 12/01/2020 15:51

74NewStreet, some friends are like family, anyway regardless of how you feel the friends wanted to help, the OP was reluctant so not a CF and then decided to go with it. I absolutely understand what the friends did and have done similar myself. Really nasty for people to be trying to make the OP feel bad about it.

BrokenWing · 12/01/2020 16:01

Speak to your sister and make it clearer. Tell her she doesn't seem to understand the financial situation you are in and you want to make it clear. You only have £150 at the end of the month after bills to live on, so giving a £1000 watch is simply obscene to you, excessive, humiliating and upsetting.

You fully understand she is financially comfortable and wants to splash her cash, but she is doing so with absolutely no consideration to everyone in the family and is making you feel like crap. You don't want to be subbed all the time, you have some pride, you just want those closest to you to acknowledge your limitations.

Maybe even direct her to the Friends episode: The One with Five Steaks and an Eggplant and ask her to think how you feel.

Greenwingmemories · 12/01/2020 16:11

74NewStreet Worra is more than capable of standing up for herself and telling people how things should be, so doesn't need you to stick up for her. I thought she was rude as the implication was that the OP was being unreasonable being treated by a close friend. 'Freebie' in that context is a loaded word.

And you're being really rude calling her a mooch. The friends really wanted to pay. It's a completely different scenario from being shamed into paying for something that you had no choice in, and you're being completely disingenuous by implying otherwise.

74NewStreet · 12/01/2020 16:17

I didn’t call her a mooch. I suggested that not paying her way with the food in addition to being funded for the accommodation might make her one.

Original poster
Gemm83 · 12/01/2020 16:20

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

They are not paying for the whole family! Just me and DH!!

@MistyCloud

The £600 watch was for my mums 60th not for him!!

OP posts:
Sceptre86 · 12/01/2020 16:28

Surely it is not a surprise that you would need to get your dad a birthday present? Having said that noone has the right to make you contribute to such an expensive (for you) gift if you dont want to. Politely decline, say you have already got him something and say you won't partake in joint presents in the future as your budgets don't match. Be honest and communicate with your siblings.

Original poster
Gemm83 · 12/01/2020 16:33

Would also like to mention that I am in no way shape or form a "mooch". I have never had anything paid for me/subbed in my life , and we will be contributing the exact amount required for the shop along with everyone else!!

OP posts:
VenusTiger · 12/01/2020 16:34

It does sound like they're trying OP - 180 towards a 1k watch is actually very reasonable indeed.

74NewStreet · 12/01/2020 16:36

To be fair, op, it wasn’t actually you who suggested you wouldn’t be.

rookiemere · 12/01/2020 16:36

Venustiger it doesn't matter how reasonable you think the percentage contribution is, it's still more than OP has in her budget to spend.

MistyCloud · 12/01/2020 16:41

@Gemm83

Mistycloud the £600 watch was for my MOTHER, not him!

Really? When did you say that then? Apart from just your post at 16.20 - four and a half hours after your OP!

YOU said (in your OP,)

They are both well off and have form for this. Last time was a £600 watch and £100 bottle of perfume... Again I felt forced to contribute.

You never mentioned the £600 watch being for your mother. Hmm

MistyCloud · 12/01/2020 16:43

@Gemm83

Mistycloud the £600 watch was for my MOTHER, not him! (My father..!)

Really? When did you say that then? Apart from just now (in your post at 16.20 - four and a half hours after your OP!)

YOU said (in your OP,)

They are both well off and have form for this. Last time was a £600 watch and £100 bottle of perfume... Again I felt forced to contribute.

You never mentioned the £600 watch being for your mother. Hmm

Original poster
Gemm83 · 12/01/2020 16:46

@MistyCloud

I said they had form for it... I didn't stipulate in my OP that it was for anyone in particular. It doesn't matter who it was for. It was merely to demonstrate that they have a history of doing extravagant things without asking me first.

OP posts:
MistyCloud · 12/01/2020 16:53

@Gemm83

I said they had form for it... I didn't stipulate in my OP that it was for anyone in particular. It doesn't matter who it was for. It was merely to demonstrate that they have a history of doing extravagant things without asking me first.

Hmmmm, convenient bit of manipulative drip-feeding there. Wink ^

With a little bit of goalpost-moving thrown in!

LadyLightning · 12/01/2020 16:57

They might think they are doing you a favour by deciding what to give. You need to talk to them about your finances and what you can afford.

BaolFan · 12/01/2020 17:08

Hmmmm, convenient bit of manipulative drip-feeding there. With a little bit of goalpost-moving thrown in!

Spiteful, much? You assumed it meant her Dad but it didn't. Not sure how it's manipulative or shifting the goalposts to correct an assumption?

It's really tedious when people want to know absolutely every detail in order to forensically examine what the OP is saying.

category12 · 12/01/2020 17:16

People wouldn't usually call scent for men perfume, tho, would they? That kinda gives it away that the £600 watch and £100 perfume may not have been for OP's dad.

TimeForPlentyIn2020 · 12/01/2020 17:28

It’s totally obvious that the previous gift was for her mother - nobody buys ‘perfume’ for their dad!!!

MistyCloud · 12/01/2020 18:30

@Gemm83

I apologise. I never noticed the perfume bit (on the bit about the £600 watch...) Yeah, it does seem obvious now, that it was for the mother.

A few other posters made the same mistake though, (asking why your dad needs 2 rather expensive watches,) so I'm not alone (in being a pillock who didn't thoroughly read your original post!) Blush

But I didn't have to be catty and snarky anyway.

My sincerest apologies. I'm genuinely sorry. Flowers

(And thanks to the last few posters for pulling me up on it, and correcting me!) Blush

Hope you manage to get the problem sorted. Please tell your siblings you want to get something yourself... Don't get yourself into financial strife.

Also apologies if my post came across as a little 'off' by saying I wouldn't want people paying for me. That doesn't mean others shouldn't. As a pp said, sometimes friends DO pay for others when they're a bit brassick, and eventually the favour may be returned. Plus, some genuinely don't mind paying more than others... I just don't like people paying for me. But that's just me ..

Best wishes to you Gemm83 ... 😊

Once again, many apologies for being a dick!

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