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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be angry at siblings?

137 replies

Gemm83 · 12/01/2020 11:49

Dad's birthday in a couple of weeks. Going for a weekend away to celebrate in lovely house. Friends are very kindly paying for us as there is no way DH and I could afford it. However, I'm still stressing about finances as in to fill car up with diesel and pay our way with the "big shop"

I am currently on bog standard SMP and whilst DH is full time once all bills are paid we probably have around £150 disposable income to do what we want with.

My Sister text me yesterday and said "Oh by the way we (sister and brother) have got Dad a Tag watch for his birthday. We are paying monthly so you need to set up a direct debit to one of our accounts for your share!!! WTF??!! Now, in the grand scheme of things they are paying the majority and £10 a month isn't a massive thing... But over 18 months that's £180! The watch itself is entry level, but still cost over £1000. Its not even a special birthday.

I am totally fucked off because they didn't even mention they were getting a present and I now feel completely compelled to contribute as otherwise I'm going to look like a complete arsehole!!!

They are both well off and have form for this. Last time was a £600 watch and £100 bottle of perfume... Again I felt forced to contribute.

AIBU??

OP posts:
FullOfJellyBeans · 12/01/2020 14:15

They're. Being ridiculous. If I were them and knew you had less disposable income I'd pick a heap gift and OK it with you first or ask you to do the research for the expensive gift as your contribution.

wildcherries · 12/01/2020 14:15

Also - what the actual fuck are they doing buying something over 18 months?! That's crazy! They'll still be paying it off when they're going overboard on his next birthday present. What are they thinking of?

I thought this too. Completely nuts.

FreedomfromPE · 12/01/2020 14:17

Dear sibs: sorry I don't buy gifts I can't afford. I'm sorry you've committed ypurselves financially but I can't help you out.

TimeForPlentyIn2020 · 12/01/2020 14:26

Sorry but I can’t contribute to this, you should have asked me beforehand.

And leave it at that.

Beautiful3 · 12/01/2020 14:29

Just say no I cant afford it. Nothing difficult about it.

Christmaspug · 12/01/2020 14:36

You say
I’m sorry I can’t afford that,I will buy him something I can afford
Any thing other than no ,and it’s your own fault

Original poster
Gemm83 · 12/01/2020 14:36

@wildcherries

I'm not too sure what their thinking was to be perfectly honest 🤷‍♀️

@1forsorrow

He won't know, and I wouldn't want to say anything because he would be pretty annoyed and I don't want to ruin the weekend with any bad feeling. As ultimately he hasn't got a clue what's going on.

I've just managed to get my mum on her own and said that I'm pissed off and she agreed that things were getting somewhat out of hand. She's also a bit dumbfounded about the watch 🙄

OP posts:
1forsorrow · 12/01/2020 14:43

No don't spoil the weekend. Can your mum have a quiet word with them? I'm planning on talking to my brood about calming things down for next Christmas, with my brood it easily gets out of hand, 4 kids, their 4 partners and six GC and counting and it doesn't take very expensive presents to make the whole thing absurd.

It was chaos with every one trying to squeeze in this time and with GC getting bigger and more of them I'm thinking next year it might be nice to hire a nice house rather than buying presents. It is the time together that is precious not the stuff.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 12/01/2020 14:44

I think it would be highly rude not to contribute to the food costs given the OP and her family have had the trip paid for for them. If anything, I’d expect them to pick up more off these costs n return for the large financial gesture of their friend.

If you don’t want to contribute to the joint gift then don’t and let them give it to him just from them and buy something of your own instead.

magoria · 12/01/2020 14:45

Do you know.

If you set up the DD for £10 a month for 18 months then you will still have SIX MONTHS left to pay by the time his next birthday comes around and they do this again.

They will keep doing it as long as you put your hand in your pocket.

Once you say no then it gets easier.

EugenesAxe · 12/01/2020 14:46

I agree with AgentJohnson - you would not be at all unreasonable to contact them and say that you are sorry they didn't consult you before doing this as you have budgeted £50 (or whatever) for his present and will only be able to pay that.

It's ridiculous to not take your salary into consideration. My DH works in finance and BIL is a teacher; if a particular present was that important to DH to get PILs, then he would pay BIL's share if necessary and certainly get his permission for this. If DBIL wasn't comfortable with DH doing this on his behalf, frankly, DH'd have to suck it up or think of a way of less material way of demonstrating love/honouring the anniversary.

Daftodil · 12/01/2020 14:47

"Sorry DSis, I wish you'd asked me about this before making any decisions. I've already bought dad a present so won't be contributing to yours."

Greenwingmemories · 12/01/2020 14:50

Ignore Worra OP. It's absolutely fine for your friends to pay for your weekend. I'd want to do the same if I was in your friend's position. It would be worse for me to see my friends miss out than to spend money I could easily afford.

As for your siblings £180 is an awful lot of money to spend on a normal birthday. I'd just say no and that you're sorting out your own present for your dad - £20-30 is more than enough in your position. It is a much bigger proportion of your disposable income, I bet, than your siblings are spending out of theirs. It's really unfair to be this insensitive as to put you in this position.

MistyCloud · 12/01/2020 14:52

@Gemm83 Why on EARTH are your siblings purchasing another overpriced watch for your dad?

A £600 one for last year's birthday, and a £1000 on this year's birthday?

I mean, seriously? Confused WHY?

Crunchymum · 12/01/2020 14:55

So you siblings are paying a lot more than you for the gift?

Not saying its OK but they've not split it 3 ways have they? You are paying £180 and they'll be paying £410 each? (based on approx cost of watch you gave earlier on)

So they've taken some consideration of your finances. Just not enough Shock

MistyCloud · 12/01/2020 14:56

I also agree with the posters saying it's batshit crazy to buy a gift for someone that takes you 18 months to pay off.

And it wouldn't sit with me having people pay for me either. I guess people are different though, and some are happy to have other sub them. I am not. If I can't afford something, then I don't have it.

Melroses · 12/01/2020 14:58

If it takes you 18mths to pay off your share of the watch, and presumably there is a birthday every 12 mths, this is unsustainable.

Time to put your foot down.

74NewStreet · 12/01/2020 15:04

Why “ignore Worra”, Greenwings? That’s really rude Hmm
Of course it’s not fine for op to take the money from her friends and then shy away from telling her actual siblings that she can’t afford to contribute to the gift.
Of course she needs to pay her way food wise, why wouldn’t she? She should be embarrassed to even consider being a complete mooch.

rookiemere · 12/01/2020 15:06

I'd take them at their word and give them the £10 or £20 you had planned to spend and use this as an opportunity to say in future you'd rather get your own gifts that are suitable for your own budget.

MistyCloud · 12/01/2020 15:09

That should have read...

And it wouldn't sit WELL with me having people pay for me either. I guess people are different though, and some are happy to have other sub them. I am not. If I can't afford something, then I don't have it.

Also think it's rude to tell the OP to ignore a certain poster. Just because their opinion is one that differs from yours; that doesn't give you the right to dismiss them, and their views.

Very rude and arrogant. Hmm

WarrenNicole · 12/01/2020 15:09

I think you had better start saving for next year’s birthday.

bigchris · 12/01/2020 15:13

Why doesn't your mum have a word with them and tell them an 18 month loan for a watch is crazy

If this is what you guys do for an average birthday what's a special one going to be Grin

Inherdefence · 12/01/2020 15:19

Be assertive - tell your sister ‘thanks, but no thanks, while money is tight we’d rather buy presents or our own budget not piggyback on your generosity.’

1forsorrow · 12/01/2020 15:24

OP honestly alot of people trying to wind you up on here. Of course it is OK to let the friends pay, sometimes in life we take and sometimes we give, nothing you've said makes you look like someone who is always taking, you are just at a time in life when money is short and I'm sure your friends would be sad if you couldn't join them. Like I said before the day will come when finances are easier and you can help someone. That is a perfectly reasonable way to behave.

Do what your sister suggested, give what you can and let your father have a lovely gift from the three of you and after the weekend talk to your siblings about wanting to do your own present in future or wanting to be involved in decisions. No need to fall out, no need to cut your nose off to spite your face by not going, no need to spoil your dad's weekend.

Hope your are enjoying your maternity leave.

1forsorrow · 12/01/2020 15:28

Just wanted to add that I bet if you came on here and said your well off brother and sister were giving your dad a £1,000 watch for his birthday and you felt awful because you can only afford a £10 or £20 gift the same people who are huffing and puffing on here would be saying how vile your siblings are for leaving you out, of course they could pay the lions share with a token amount from you and you should tell them straight that they include you or else.