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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be angry at siblings?

137 replies

Gemm83 · 12/01/2020 11:49

Dad's birthday in a couple of weeks. Going for a weekend away to celebrate in lovely house. Friends are very kindly paying for us as there is no way DH and I could afford it. However, I'm still stressing about finances as in to fill car up with diesel and pay our way with the "big shop"

I am currently on bog standard SMP and whilst DH is full time once all bills are paid we probably have around £150 disposable income to do what we want with.

My Sister text me yesterday and said "Oh by the way we (sister and brother) have got Dad a Tag watch for his birthday. We are paying monthly so you need to set up a direct debit to one of our accounts for your share!!! WTF??!! Now, in the grand scheme of things they are paying the majority and £10 a month isn't a massive thing... But over 18 months that's £180! The watch itself is entry level, but still cost over £1000. Its not even a special birthday.

I am totally fucked off because they didn't even mention they were getting a present and I now feel completely compelled to contribute as otherwise I'm going to look like a complete arsehole!!!

They are both well off and have form for this. Last time was a £600 watch and £100 bottle of perfume... Again I felt forced to contribute.

AIBU??

OP posts:
SunshineAngel · 12/01/2020 12:59

My god, I'd hate it if people told me a) what I had to get for people and b) what I had to spend my money on.

How much you spend on a gift doesn't matter, it's the thought that counts, and your dad will appreciate something of lesser value from you that is perhaps more thought out and personal than just an expensive watch that seems to have been bought for the the sake of showing off.

You could get something perfectly nice for £20 (or even less), so tell them no thanks, they didn't ask you first, and you will get your own gift. There is no need to even try to match up, or anything like that.

RhymingRabbit3 · 12/01/2020 13:08

So, effectively you could afford to pay £10 a month towards the watch.
Even if the OP could afford to spend £100 a month on it, if she doesnt want to then she shouldnt have to or be expected to.

WorraLiberty · 12/01/2020 13:11

YANBU. Just tell them it wasn't agreed beforehand so you won't be paying it.

As an aside, you're really allowing your friends to pay for a weekend away so you can celebrate your dad's birthday, that you say isn't even a big one?

I would imagine paying them back will take longer than paying for the watch.

FlamingoQueen · 12/01/2020 13:14

I would say ‘oh, he’ll love that - I may buy him a packet of liquorice’ (going by my own df).
He will probably just be happy that you are going. Just pay what you can afford to pay for the weekend. Contribute a little towards the shopping, but if they have more money - let them pay!

Original poster
Gemm83 · 12/01/2020 13:20

The weekend away is a country house split between 11 of us. To the previous poster no my friends do not regularly sub me, and actually find that quite offensive!!

The idea was floated and I said whilst it would be a wonderful idea, we unfortunately would not be able to afford so close to Christmas etc. My friend text me and asked whether we would mind if he paid for us as it wouldn't be the same without us etc...after much too-ing and fro-ing we gratefully accepted.

I have spoken to them both and said I was annoyed with the situation and my sister has said "Well just put towards it, what you would have spent anyways and call it quits". 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
74NewStreet · 12/01/2020 13:25

Your friends are going too? Confused

Isadora2007 · 12/01/2020 13:30

So sister and brother plus partners (4) plus you and your DH (2) plus your mum and dad (2) plus 3 friends? Are they like long term family friends who are more family than friends? Does the 11 count kids? I’m
So confused. But I also just don’t get how families close enough to be celebrating non big birthdays with a country house weekend can’t bloody well talk to each other and tell the truth of how it is.

Original poster
Gemm83 · 12/01/2020 13:37

9 adults, 2 children. The 2 friends (couple) are very very close family friends. It's not an extortionately expensive house, but more than what DH and I could afford.

OP posts:
Grumpelstilskin · 12/01/2020 13:44

Just say no to your sister and tell her that you will be getting your own present, according to your budget. It's a non-issue! They did not consult you and you are an adult that can object.

WorraLiberty · 12/01/2020 13:45

Just pay what you can afford to pay for the weekend. Contribute a little towards the shopping, but if they have more money - let them pay!

WTF? Why? Confused

The OP should contribute as much as she can, regardless of anyone with more money. She's already getting a freebie weekend. She should at least contribute towards the cost of food.

Original poster
Gemm83 · 12/01/2020 13:47

Good god no!! We will be paying for our fair share of the shopping!!

OP posts:
Russellbrandshair · 12/01/2020 13:47

You simply say no. Let them huff and puff if they need to

Yeah this. This problem has come about because you do t want to upset them. Just say no and that’s the end of it. A simple “sorry, we can’t afford that” is all it takes then problem solved

SluggishSnail · 12/01/2020 13:48

How many watches does he need, anyway?

74NewStreet · 12/01/2020 13:50

Very very odd that you would accept your friends paying your share, but not feel able to tell any of your actual family that it’s beyond your means.
Why did you tell your friends you couldn’t afford it?

ChristmasBaubles · 12/01/2020 13:54

Tell them no. You could say that they should have checked with you before, and if they had, you would have told them your budget and given some other present suggestions. As it is, they've purchased a present that you can't afford and you're not able to pay for. Maybe mention that after bills you only have £150 to live off - often saying you can't afford something means nothing to someone who has a much larger disposable income. They may not realise exactly how much you are struggling.

MatildaTheCat · 12/01/2020 13:55

No, don’t get sucked in. Just replybthat you have a gift already and please don’t choose gifts that include you without checking in future.

All sounds very OTT for a no special birthday.

I’d honestly buy something really low key but relevant to your dad and give it with your love. That’s what most people do.

eminencegrise · 12/01/2020 13:55

You say NO. FFS. 'It will have to be a gift from the two of you, we can't afford that.' And what kind of parent accepts being wined dined and fetting for their bloody birthday by their kids when they know damn well they're on SMP? Much less a bloody Tag watch! My dad has one. That thing was nearly 2 grand!

Original poster
Gemm83 · 12/01/2020 13:56

I didn't specifically tell just my friends. It was set up as a messenger group so everyone going (bar dad) knew we couldn't afford it/would struggle.

OP posts:
1forsorrow · 12/01/2020 14:00

How do you feel about what your sister said? I think being charitable they were including you and probably thought £10 was a nominal amount, obviously they misread that but perhaps their intention was good? They might feel that turning up with a £1,000 watch and you coming with a £10 something or other might make you feel bad.

How lovely of your friends to do that, I've been the young broke couple and now I'm old and comfortable and it is nice to pay on the help we got. I don't know how old your friends are, not suggesting they are as old as me but they are obviously at a stage in life where they can afford it.

Hope you all have a lovely time.

AutumnRose1 · 12/01/2020 14:02

OP, what does your dad think, does he know you can’t afford the weekend?

Original poster
Gemm83 · 12/01/2020 14:05

@1forsorrow

They are gay couple in their late 30's with decent jobs. They are wonderful guys who would do anything for anyone 😊.

Totally agree with you in your 1st post. I just wish they had spoken to me first before doing it!

OP posts:
Original poster
Gemm83 · 12/01/2020 14:06

@AutumnRose1

He doesn't know. It's a surprise.

OP posts:
DameFanny · 12/01/2020 14:11

I agree with PPs - YABU if you don't say no - not even a token contribution to the watch. Put your own present together - something more appropriate to your current finances.

Also - what the actual fuck are they doing buying something over 18 months?! That's crazy! They'll still be paying it off when they're going overboard on his next birthday present. What are they thinking of?

1forsorrow · 12/01/2020 14:13

Gemm83 they sound lovely. Yes your siblings could have been more thoughtful but if you think they meant well just go and have a lovely time. The day will come when you have money in your purse but these days are precious too, I bet your family and friends are looking forward to seeing you and having some cuddles with the little one, that is priceless. i know my husband would be far more interested in time with the baby than having the watch, although he would like the watch. We already have half a dozen GC but he is anxiously awaiting the next one.

AutumnRose1 · 12/01/2020 14:13

OP, so how do you think he’ll feel about a surprise for him putting you out of pocket?

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