WWYD overreacting to hitty child

[Mumtown]

I’m quite at a loss here and would appreciate some advice.

So I have a mum friend who I get on very well with (only mum friend I could imagine being friends with outside of the context of our children). Her DS is quite violent I guess. Lots of hitting, pulling hair, biting etc. There hasn’t been a single play date where something this hasn’t happened. I’ve just seen it as kids being kids, my child is not averse to playing tough and has her moments too (not as frequently but even so). On a whole my child likes this child and asks to arrange play dates. Both children are four for context.

But a few things have happened over the past few play dates that make me wonder whether I should cut contact. First there was the knife episode. This happened about six months ago. The boy grabbed a knife off the kitchen counter and lunged at my child. Knife put away, nobody hurt, it was foolish of me to leave it out, all forgotten. Then nothing (except for the usual hair pulling and hitting) for a long time then a few play dates ago the child put a lamp cord around my child’s neck and pulled a bit. Again cord removed, all over in a split second and no harm done.

But since then we’ve not seen each other except at parties/out and about. We’re due to go to their house for a play date tomorrow evening but the thought of it is making me so nervous I can’t sleep. I’m worried about what may happen when they go play upstairs (they always do this, I couldn’t really follow them up without upsetting mum friend). I’m tempted to just tell her I have the flu but ultimately will have to make a decision one way or the other. Is this something normal that the boy will grow out of if I avoid seeing them long enough or is he a danger to my child and should I just stop arranging to see her?

As others have said, do not take your child there. I stopped seeing a friend because I didn't feel my dd was safe at her house (uncovered ponds, open high windows over concrete, not using seatbelts in car, no cycle helmets and another incident etc ). She was upset but it was my duty to protect dd. You have the same duty. As others have said, why is he behaving like this at all? Very difficult situation.

Ask them to come me to yours instead because you're "waiting for a delivery".

I'm sorry but this child is making serious attempts to stab and strangle your child! He could end up killing your kid, do you not understand that? What if the knife had went in your kid? What on earth are you thinking allowing them to continue to 'play' together? Please please protect your child. I am sorry but your attitude to this is completely abnormal! I don't mean this to sound rude, but do you have issues yourself?

You need to put your dd's safety before anyone else and if it means upsetting your friend, then so be it.

Whatever the issue, undiagnosed SN or him witnessing violence, it needs addressing and his mum needs to wake up and face facts. The situation will get worse and your dd could end up being seriously hurt.

I feel concerned that mum is not seeing the problems and concerned that you are more concerned about upsetting your friend than your dd safety!!

This thread has made me feel crap. My fourth child is like this. He's 2 and hits and kicks and headbutts and throws things at us and his siblings constantly, anything is a weapon...we have even had to move every piece of cutlery from the drawer and put it on a high shelf or he chases his siblings with them. He's been parented the same as the others and I don't know why he behaves as he does. I'm told he doesn't behave like this at preschool (apart from gathering the cutlery at back time ) but I'm still too nervous to have play dates.
Glad mumsnet have his future as a psycho murderer all mapped out

OP isn’t talking about about your child or another 2 year old kindness...

Kindness many people have said it’s the age of the child - twice your DS’s age - which is the concern. Toddlers are highly impulsive. Four year olds are usually beginning to learn boundaries and have a sense of appropriate and safe behaviour, which is what’s so concerning about one pulling a knife on another child

I really hope he does @PerpetualStudent. I am really worried.

*does grow out of it. Sorry, this thread has touched a massive nerve!

Twos a different developmental stage entirely. My dd bit at 2 and she’s the archetypal “good girl”

I did childcare as a teen for a family where the 6 year old would try to properly harm his younger brother. He’s in prison now and they a “nice” hippy type upper middle class family. Poor younger brother though. I took them swimming he properly tried to drown him.

I can see it has @KindnessCrusader, and it sounds like that must be really stressful for you to have to deal with. I hope your DS calms down with time. I’m no expert, but the fact he behaves at preschool sounds reassuring. Wishing your family all the best

What’s going to be worse - your friend being upset or your child getting hurt?

Thanks everyone that has been kind! I'll 'un-hijack' the thread now!

I know lots of kids go through hitting and tough play my son. Is 2 and he does it when you gets over excited and playing with other kids etc and I will
Just tell him he mustn't do that and hopefully eventually he will learn but knife and cord is a little different if you go just keep a safe eye on them to avoid anything happening I use to follow my son every where at playgroup until he started to calm down

No way would I let the kids see each other after all that,sounds like real life Chucky.

Echoing other pp’s here when they say that 4 seems far too old for excusing that type of behaviour. My dd is 4 and I’d be horrified if she did that, most 4 year olds have enough impulse control to avoid that type of behaviour. They’ll still cry, shout, tantrum etc, but physical violence should be out of bounds.

I’d remove my child from this situation op. You decide if you want to say anything, but I’d not take your dc again.

I’m one of the 3% saying YABU because you are even unsure about this. You know that a play date with this child puts your child in danger but you are still considering going. You need to step up and protect your child. Cancel the play date - and all future ones. You should never put your child in harms way.
Meet your friend in the evening on her own without children or if that’s not possible for a quick coffee in a restaurant where the kids have to sit down with you.
And pull up your big girl pants and tell your friend why.

I wouldn't be putting my child in this situation. What does it say to them about what behaviour they should put up with? An adult (you) keep putting them in this situation, what does that say about adults?

If you want to see your friend, go for drinks one evening. Protect your child.

His behaviour is not normal: I have 3 children (incl a teenager) and most of my friends have children. There have been plenty of squabbles over the years but NOTHING like grabbing a knife or trying to strangle someone. My 3 love a good roll around on the floor and the occasional thump or kick (which is swiftly dealt with) but I’ve never seen this level of violence in all my years of parenting.

Be very careful OP.

I cannot believe you have subjected your child to this for so long!

I’m actually horrified, no child would have had the opportunity to do even the “minor” things you’ve mentioned to my DD more than once.

Bloody hell, don't leave them unsupervised for even a minute, that isn't normal behaviour at all

I think you need to see your friend by yourself from now on, go for a drink or coffee. There's obviously something going on with this child but you need to keep your DD safe. You say you were meeting up in the evening, I wouldn't have thought this was a good time for 4 year olds anyway without all the problems.

I wouldn’t take my child within a million miles of this other child. However sorry I felt for the other mother. Your first responsibility is to make sure nobody hurts your child.

See her without kids