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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be freaked out by all these terrible MIL stories, and to think that could be ME in a few years' time?

57 replies

mm22bys · 29/08/2007 11:59

I am really saddened by all these terrible MIL stories.

Does anyone have a good relationship with their MIL?

My two grandmothers were loved by their DC-in-laws, and I get on great with my MIL, but she saddened me a few years ago when DS1 was only 7 months old by telling me that I should have a DD, as DSs will only go on to break my heart.

She has two DDs herself, and two DSs, and I hate to think that she feels like my DH, her DS2, has broken her heart (which would make me partly to blame!).

Even her DS-in-law has been brain-washed too - when SIL was pregnant with a girl, he said he would prefer a girl as he has heard that DDs treat their parents better than DSs do (especially in old age...)

Then....friends of mine go on (other women) about how terrible their in-laws are, and I think, hey hang on, I have two DSs, which would make me a MIL one day too...

DS1 is only 3, DS2 only 9 months old, but I am already worried and sad about what might possibly happen in about 30 years time.

AIBU?

OP posts:
TellusMater · 29/08/2007 12:06

I don't have an easy relationship with my MIL, but I make the effort for just that reason.

HonoriaGlossop · 29/08/2007 12:07

YANBU.

I am a blissfully happy mum of one son, and happy to keep it that way but having read some stuff on here, even i have started to second guess my decisions and whether a daughter is a necessity!

I am SURE though that while we shouldn't disregard what's on here, we should take it with a HUGE pinch of salt. It simply is not representative of the general population. Problems come up much more than happy stuff, it's just part of this site.

That's what I tell myself anyway. But I know how you feel. It is quite depressing to feel that our future contact with our son will depend on the good will, or not, of some girl or other. And it seems that marriage pulls a man further apart from his mum (scathing comments about mummy's boys if they go round to their mums etc!) but it doesn't have the same effect with a girl and her mum.

sigh.

claricebeansmum · 29/08/2007 12:10

I can't wait to be a MIL

Revenge will be sweet

LittleBella · 29/08/2007 12:12

No you're not.

I'm not sure that DD's treat their mothers better than DS's do.

It's just that social and family dynamics being what they are, in most families it is the woman who decides how much contact the family has with the elders. And inevitably, she generally chooses to spend more time with the family she has come from, rather than the one she married into (it isn't always the case but I think if you did a survey you'd find maternal family ties are stronger).

So most grandmothers see more of their dd's children than their ds's. Obviously there are huge exceptions like when geography is an issue, but I think it's true in general. And because they are dealing with their DD's, not their DIL's, they are not "guests" in their grandchildren's homes, they feel they have more of a right to be there.

IMO.

funnypeculiar · 29/08/2007 12:12

My MIL is more interested in the kids, more thoughtful of me, and generally nicer than my mum.

I still whine about her & there are things that drive me mad, buy, fyi, they're not ALWAYS awful

bozza · 29/08/2007 12:13

I think some of the stuff that we read on here is a bit ott from hormonal new mums. But I do find it sad when I read about people allowing their Mum immediate access to the baby but making the ILs wait 2 weeks.

FWIW though my MIL saw and held DD when she was only 1 hour old. Although I was slightly alarmed when she went through the laundry basket and took the nightie I had worn to give birth in home to wash. But being my second child I rapidly got over it.

Flum · 29/08/2007 12:18

I luuuurve my MIL. She is gorgeous and fabulous and kind to the kids. She whisks them off for days out and takes them on holiday. She tells me what a fab mum I am all the time. She buys me thoughtful and suitable birthday and christmas presents. She sends me flowers when she hears I have been having a tough time.

she is so thoughtful she makes me feel quite inadequate at times.

Also sadly it makes me look at my own relationship with my Mum who is also lovely and does all thoughs things, but we have a stormy relationship and I have a short fuse with her and I wish that wasn't the case.

My relationship with my MIL is kind, loving and easy.

Fauve · 29/08/2007 12:30

The fact that you're thinking about it probably means you won't be a nightmare MIL. Most awful MILs are in denial about their own feelings, that's why they're monsters.

HonoriaGlossop · 29/08/2007 12:34

Flum, that is LOVELY to read

TheArmadillo · 29/08/2007 12:37

My MIL is lovely and we get on really well.

She is very supportive, but never intrusive and sends me messages when I am down telling me how wonderful I am and how much I have achieved.

She adores her grandson, and is always there when we need her but respects our parenting choices and follows them.

Not all MILs are bad - some of them are fantastic.

Dp's family ahve welcomed me into their family and made me feel like I belong there. I couldn't ask for better.

Caroline1852 · 29/08/2007 12:39

flum - she sounds lovely. I also love my MIL. Unfortunately she is quite elderly so unable to be of much practical help with her GS and GD but she is a big emotional support always - we all love her. Her two sons treat her like the queen. My SIL (to be) calls my BIL a Mummy's boy for being close to his mother and making sure he sees her at least once a week. Sometimes he tells SIL to be that he has an out of town meeting when in fact he is going to see his Mother (he does it to stop her moaning I think). SIL makes me cross because they could all be in one big love in, her too!

DarrellRivers · 29/08/2007 12:42

I've grown to love all my I-Ls over the years including my MIL.
She still drives me crazy and says silly things, like Have I got the DC's coats? but she is my family and my DC's grandma and my DH's mum and I love her for that.
Hopefully she feels the same

Katy44 · 29/08/2007 12:55

My MIL is fantastic
do tend to see more of my mum since DS was born because she's retired and lives 20 mins closer which I sometimes worry makes MIL feel left out
But the wonderful thing about her is she's easy going and doesn't stress about that kind of thing too much

lizziemun · 29/08/2007 12:58

I don't think you are being unreasonable, but i do think that we need to take a lot of what said with a pinch of salt.

But on the other hand we could probaly learn how not to behave when we are MIL's.

My MIL can be difficult, but that only because she has very different ideas on child care then i do, but i just think to myself that we are different people and just accept her for what she is or does if that makes sense.

thechickenlady · 29/08/2007 13:03

My MIL is a big softie and lovely. I suppose people only start threads about them when they have a problem though, so that's why opinion seems to be skewed?

Shoshable · 29/08/2007 13:14

Thank You for being nice about mIL's I'm onea nd couldnt ask for a lovelier DDIL, and as she is from SA, and a long way from her family, we see alot of her. Sher occasionally postes on here, and I know lurks alot, so can I just say to her, Your Brill!

marge2 · 29/08/2007 13:16

Hi - Good to hear all the positive stories. I also have a fab MIL. She now has 12 GCs and several GGcs older than my DSs so has had plenty of practice.

She is kind and supportive to me. Always full of praise for the boys AND me. Very interested but not obsessed with the GCs. Helps , but doesn't take over. Respects the rules we have re sweets, TV etc (Unlike my own Mum I might add who drives me to distraction, always handing out the sweeties and crisps just as I am about to dish up lunch! What is she THINKING???)

She is getting elderly now so I have approached DH about what will happen when she is not able to care for herself. Shocked to hear from DH that he expects his sister to do it all or for her to go into a home. I would be happy to have her live with us as I think she is just GREAT!

I know what kind of MIL I want to be when the time comes!!!

TheChickenLady · 29/08/2007 13:30

If for example you are strongly pro-breastfeeding or are a WOHM, what do you do in 20 odd years' time when your DS marries someone who is a formula-feeding SAHM.

Surely it'd be hard to bite your tongue?

I think I'm going to be a nightmare MIL and will want to choose my DS's wife for him!

mixedmama · 29/08/2007 13:48

YANBU and that is from someone who actually does have an incredibly hard time with ILs.

It can be quite scary to read other peoples experiences i suppose but if your relationship is good then that is the most important thing and I wouldnt let mine or anyones elses experience hinder your view... people are just different and some more lucky than others.

FWIW tho I dont think that we can put peoples feelings down to hormones after just having a baby - 18 months down the line I have only just started to find a solution and believe me it isnt the ideal one.

McEdam · 29/08/2007 13:59

I've often wondered why there seems to be so little awareness on the nightmare MIL threads that most of us will be MILs one day... and that those of us who have boys may well have a particularly tricky time.

I hope ds meets a nice girl who is kind to his mum (me)!

Caroline1852 · 29/08/2007 14:20

Thechickenlady - Does it necessarily follow that you have to dislike a SAHM just because you are a WOHM? You will make a terrible mother in law if that is the black and white way you see the world. People are not defined by their baby feeding nor their decision to work or stay at home after having children. Our future DsIL may well choose differently from us. In fact our own grown up children will have ideas of their own and they may choose differently from us. Respect has to be a two way thing.

bozza · 29/08/2007 14:25

I wasn't putting it all down to hormones. But I have seen some posts on here where I think the new Mum is over-reacting. And I know I over-reacted a bit when DS was a baby. I just think that my MIL is different to what I am used to. But much more reliable and helpful than my Mum.

LucyJones · 29/08/2007 14:30

My MIL is by far more hands on than my own mother.
She would happily look after both the kids fr weeks on end.
They spoil them in a way that grandparents should.
But despite knowing that she is a fab grandma and both kids adore her, she still drives me absolutely barmy and I can't stand more than a few days with her. It's just a MIL thing I think, she just rubs me up the wrong way.

Pitchounette · 29/08/2007 14:35

Message withdrawn

Pollyanna · 29/08/2007 14:36

my MIL has been a horror MIL just like some posted here. She stopped being a bitch the first time my DH stood up to her. Sadly it took him 8 years to do that.

I have a son and will never behave towards his partner the way my MIL did towards me. I am pleased I also have 3 daughters though