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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be freaked out by all these terrible MIL stories, and to think that could be ME in a few years' time?

57 replies

mm22bys · 29/08/2007 11:59

I am really saddened by all these terrible MIL stories.

Does anyone have a good relationship with their MIL?

My two grandmothers were loved by their DC-in-laws, and I get on great with my MIL, but she saddened me a few years ago when DS1 was only 7 months old by telling me that I should have a DD, as DSs will only go on to break my heart.

She has two DDs herself, and two DSs, and I hate to think that she feels like my DH, her DS2, has broken her heart (which would make me partly to blame!).

Even her DS-in-law has been brain-washed too - when SIL was pregnant with a girl, he said he would prefer a girl as he has heard that DDs treat their parents better than DSs do (especially in old age...)

Then....friends of mine go on (other women) about how terrible their in-laws are, and I think, hey hang on, I have two DSs, which would make me a MIL one day too...

DS1 is only 3, DS2 only 9 months old, but I am already worried and sad about what might possibly happen in about 30 years time.

AIBU?

OP posts:
TheChickenLady · 29/08/2007 14:41

Caroline1852 - my examples were purposely from those subject areas that seem to arouse most conflict on sites such as mumsnet. I thought it worthwhile for people who might have strong opinions on them to maybe think how they would deal with a DIL in the future who didn't do things the way they had.

I've been both (WOHM & SAHM) and done both (FF and BF), so am definitely grey on both subjects.

Have already accepted that I'll be a nightmare MIL, and my DS is not even 2!

Caroline1852 · 29/08/2007 14:52

chickenlady well you sure got me going and I am not very rabid about either matters! Sorry.

Caroline1852 · 29/08/2007 14:53

matter

moljam · 29/08/2007 14:53

my mil is lovely.my dh isnt-but his mums nice!

newy · 29/08/2007 15:01

My MIL is really not that bad, quite nice in fact and dotes on DS which is lovely. We saw her at the weekend and did rub slightly up the wrong way as all MILs are prone to do occasionally.

My SIL is pregnant and they have a DD and a DS. DS is quite severely disabled and MIL said 'it would be lovely if they had a son and then they would have a son and a daughter and their family would be complete.' I pointed out to her that they did have a DD and DS already to which she replied 'yes but their son might not be around much longer' Its might be the case (we don't know) but not nice to talk about him like he's not part of the family and will be gone soon He's absolutely gorgeous and his parents would be devastated if they heard anyone talk like this.

Theclosetpagan · 29/08/2007 15:05

I adore my MIL - she and DS share the same birthday and are real partners in crime - it's lovely to see them together.

It scares me that I will be a MIL one day and frightened to put a foot wrong. I think that sometimes people take offence far too easily over stupid little things which get blown up out of all proportion (as happens in families sometimes).
MY DH has a really good relationship with his parents and it's great - hope our DS has just as good a relationship with us when he's an adult.

mixedmama · 29/08/2007 15:09

I think that despite my experience I will not be a nasty mother in law, i may disagree with things but ultimately i do accept that it is my sonnss life and his and my future DIL's children are THEIR children and altho I would probably express my opinions everything would ultimately be their decisions.

TheChickenLady · 29/08/2007 15:10

Sorry Caroline!

I've only just joined, and have promised myself to stay away from 'those' threads. I was truly scared for a minute.

newy · 29/08/2007 15:13

Ha Ha! mixedmama, think the problem is the 'I would probably express my opinions' bit! NO doubt many MILs say the same! I will do the same and probably drive future DIL mad!

Caroline1852 · 29/08/2007 15:14

thechicklady - welcome!

newy · 29/08/2007 15:15

chickenlady - they are a total minefield. THink i was on one with caroline which got really aggressive. Steer clear at all costs! I think they tend to be the same people expressing the same opinions anyway

mixedmama · 29/08/2007 15:16

I think that there is expressing opinion, like my dad expresses opinion and DH and I are free to say yes no maybe we think this etc. In contrast MIL says something when i say yes no maybe etc am looked at with contempt ignored and said thing is done anyway - not to mention the blatantly offensive things. I digress and dont mean to - I hope that I am very much my fathers daughter and will express and then accept the decisions that are made.

newy · 29/08/2007 15:19

Oh dear. MIL doesn't do contempt that's pretty horrible. My mum tends to just battle on if you don't agree and just says the same thing in various different ways. Like trying to get me to give DS solids at 8 weeks old cos 'he's big for his age'. However, when its your own mum you can just revert to your teenage self and stomp off in a huff...

Caroline1852 · 29/08/2007 15:20

MIxedmama - Love the "I would probably express my opinion". [sock]

Anna8888 · 29/08/2007 15:21

By its very nature the MIL relationship is fraught with potential difficulties - most men were brought up mostly by their mothers, who made most of the domestic and care decisions in their lives, and when they marry another woman makes different domestic and care decisions about them (and any children). There are bound to be differences of opinion.

I keep my mother-out-of-law at arms' length - we are far too different ever to be able to spend much time together. (Plus she's terribly dull).

Caroline1852 · 29/08/2007 15:24

newy - i am getting to know the sort of threads to avoid.

mixedmama · 29/08/2007 15:25

newwy - see in my case she would just give him the solids in my presence.

I have however, had fantastic relationships with past boyf mothers some better than others so i know it can be done and have seen my mother and grandmother have a great a relationship despite huge cultural gap.

newy · 29/08/2007 15:26

Wasn't me being aggressive by the way I may be moany but I'm not aggressive.

FCH · 29/08/2007 15:31

I have a good relationship with my MIL (and FIL) and DH has a great relationship with them. Likewise I have a great relationship with my mum and DH gets on well with her. In the end I think this is a lot to do with accepting that your partner needs to maintain their family ties, and doing what you can to help that, and vice versa. I think we are probably lucky to come from large families (we have 3 siblings each) though so there is plently of attention to go round!

TheChickenLady · 29/08/2007 15:32

I remember the weeks after I'd just given birth feeling so vulnerable - if anyone said they thought my baby was just a little bit cold, I'd be crushed and think that I was doing something really really wrong.

I imagine if you have a really strident MIL, even if she has the best intentions, it can really cut deep if she makes comments about the day-to-day stuff. Whereas like newy says, with your own mum you can revert to being a teenager again.

Caroline1852 · 29/08/2007 15:34

mixedmama - the tragedy of great husband and ghastly mother in law and ghastly ex boyfriends but great potential mothers-in-law.

Caroline1852 · 29/08/2007 15:35

newy - hope you didn't think I was being agressive?

Lilymaid · 29/08/2007 15:39

mm22bys - my DSs are 20 and 16 so am really freaked out by the MIL stories! I can't see myself going over the top when I become a grandmother (claiming child as my own etc) but would hope to be supportive - e.g. offer to do the ironing and some cleaning when I visit DIL after birth etc. I hope that my DILs will remember that I have a life too and may not always be available for baby sitting etc.

mixedmama · 29/08/2007 15:40

Lilymaid that sounds likee a very balanced attitude.

newy · 29/08/2007 16:35

Caroline - no, alot of the aggression seemed to be aimed AT you which seemed quite unwarranted. Not surprised you now steer clear.