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AIBU?

to be freaked out by all these terrible MIL stories, and to think that could be ME in a few years' time?

57 replies

mm22bys · 29/08/2007 11:59

I am really saddened by all these terrible MIL stories.

Does anyone have a good relationship with their MIL?

My two grandmothers were loved by their DC-in-laws, and I get on great with my MIL, but she saddened me a few years ago when DS1 was only 7 months old by telling me that I should have a DD, as DSs will only go on to break my heart.

She has two DDs herself, and two DSs, and I hate to think that she feels like my DH, her DS2, has broken her heart (which would make me partly to blame!).

Even her DS-in-law has been brain-washed too - when SIL was pregnant with a girl, he said he would prefer a girl as he has heard that DDs treat their parents better than DSs do (especially in old age...)

Then....friends of mine go on (other women) about how terrible their in-laws are, and I think, hey hang on, I have two DSs, which would make me a MIL one day too...

DS1 is only 3, DS2 only 9 months old, but I am already worried and sad about what might possibly happen in about 30 years time.

AIBU?

OP posts:

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mixedmama · 30/08/2007 09:08

Here here... Winky completely agree. I was a little taken aback but didnt want to say too much. Plus I think it is ok for the OP to be a little confused about the bad MIL if they have a good one and I guess that is what she was asking, but def not with a pinch of salt.

WinkyWinkola · 29/08/2007 20:44

If you ever are lucky enough to become a MIL, I reckon keeping one's mouth buttoned, being supportive and non interfering is all you need to be popular. Oh and accept that your children are all grown up now and if they need help, they'll ask.

I think it strange that a lot of posters on this thread say to take the negative posts about MILs with a pinch of salt and that the troubles are due to over hormonal new mums etc. V. patronising of mums, new or otherwise. I challenge anyone to find my MIL's behaviour acceptable!

unknownrebelbang · 29/08/2007 18:50

Both my mum and MIL died 8 1/2 years ago, but they were both good women.

Admittedly, the Queen of Sheba wouldn't have been good enough for her son in the early days, but she was always pleasant and polite. We had our ups and downs, but I consider that to be as much me being immature and not liking some of the things she said, as her being a bit of a bag on occasions. (ie we were both in the wrong, lol)

Our relationship changed when we had the boys. She absolutely doted on the boys, and even though we had differing opinions on childcare, she respected my choices.

Our relationship deepened further when she became ill, and I think she finally realised that her children were both happy -and that was the most important thing, even if she didn't like their choices.

chipmonkey · 29/08/2007 17:54

stleger, don't think so, unless you've moved to Navan!

stleger · 29/08/2007 16:49

Congrats chipmonkey - suspect we share a MIL?

ally90 · 29/08/2007 16:48

I think there are more bad stories than good on here...its like the news

I think the key ingredient to be a good mother or MIL is to be empathetic. That's all.

And if all women were empathetic we would have world peace once we were in charge...

chipmonkey · 29/08/2007 16:39

My MIL is an interfering nightmare. She has systematically interfered and poked her nose in with all her grandchildren. When I was pg, she exclaimed with delight that I was having the first dhsurname grandchild, really upsetting SIL ( her daughter) by implying the grandchildren she had given her were inferior in some way because they had a different surname to her!
My other SIL was ff and she said she should bf.
I was bf and she kept saying I should introduce formula! Almost as if she was trying to oppose everything we did just for the sake of it!
My dsis, on the other had has a lovely MIL. My sis is not married to her dp but her "MIL" says she regards her as a DIL anyway and my niece as her grandchild even though dniece is from my dsis' previous relationship. She buys her designer clothes for Christmas and is very supportive generally
I think it is true on MN that you see a lot of "nightmare MILs" but a lot of ranting is done on MN, if people are happy with their lot they tend to stay quiet about it.
I have 3 ds's and am pg with no 4. ( probably ds4 too!) I intend to be a fabulous MIL as I have had many lessons in how not to be one!

newy · 29/08/2007 16:35

Caroline - no, alot of the aggression seemed to be aimed AT you which seemed quite unwarranted. Not surprised you now steer clear.

mixedmama · 29/08/2007 15:40

Lilymaid that sounds likee a very balanced attitude.

Lilymaid · 29/08/2007 15:39

mm22bys - my DSs are 20 and 16 so am really freaked out by the MIL stories! I can't see myself going over the top when I become a grandmother (claiming child as my own etc) but would hope to be supportive - e.g. offer to do the ironing and some cleaning when I visit DIL after birth etc. I hope that my DILs will remember that I have a life too and may not always be available for baby sitting etc.

Caroline1852 · 29/08/2007 15:35

newy - hope you didn't think I was being agressive?

Caroline1852 · 29/08/2007 15:34

mixedmama - the tragedy of great husband and ghastly mother in law and ghastly ex boyfriends but great potential mothers-in-law.

TheChickenLady · 29/08/2007 15:32

I remember the weeks after I'd just given birth feeling so vulnerable - if anyone said they thought my baby was just a little bit cold, I'd be crushed and think that I was doing something really really wrong.

I imagine if you have a really strident MIL, even if she has the best intentions, it can really cut deep if she makes comments about the day-to-day stuff. Whereas like newy says, with your own mum you can revert to being a teenager again.

FCH · 29/08/2007 15:31

I have a good relationship with my MIL (and FIL) and DH has a great relationship with them. Likewise I have a great relationship with my mum and DH gets on well with her. In the end I think this is a lot to do with accepting that your partner needs to maintain their family ties, and doing what you can to help that, and vice versa. I think we are probably lucky to come from large families (we have 3 siblings each) though so there is plently of attention to go round!

newy · 29/08/2007 15:26

Wasn't me being aggressive by the way I may be moany but I'm not aggressive.

mixedmama · 29/08/2007 15:25

newwy - see in my case she would just give him the solids in my presence.

I have however, had fantastic relationships with past boyf mothers some better than others so i know it can be done and have seen my mother and grandmother have a great a relationship despite huge cultural gap.

Caroline1852 · 29/08/2007 15:24

newy - i am getting to know the sort of threads to avoid.

Anna8888 · 29/08/2007 15:21

By its very nature the MIL relationship is fraught with potential difficulties - most men were brought up mostly by their mothers, who made most of the domestic and care decisions in their lives, and when they marry another woman makes different domestic and care decisions about them (and any children). There are bound to be differences of opinion.

I keep my mother-out-of-law at arms' length - we are far too different ever to be able to spend much time together. (Plus she's terribly dull).

Caroline1852 · 29/08/2007 15:20

MIxedmama - Love the "I would probably express my opinion". [sock]

newy · 29/08/2007 15:19

Oh dear. MIL doesn't do contempt that's pretty horrible. My mum tends to just battle on if you don't agree and just says the same thing in various different ways. Like trying to get me to give DS solids at 8 weeks old cos 'he's big for his age'. However, when its your own mum you can just revert to your teenage self and stomp off in a huff...

mixedmama · 29/08/2007 15:16

I think that there is expressing opinion, like my dad expresses opinion and DH and I are free to say yes no maybe we think this etc. In contrast MIL says something when i say yes no maybe etc am looked at with contempt ignored and said thing is done anyway - not to mention the blatantly offensive things. I digress and dont mean to - I hope that I am very much my fathers daughter and will express and then accept the decisions that are made.

newy · 29/08/2007 15:15

chickenlady - they are a total minefield. THink i was on one with caroline which got really aggressive. Steer clear at all costs! I think they tend to be the same people expressing the same opinions anyway

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Caroline1852 · 29/08/2007 15:14

thechicklady - welcome!

newy · 29/08/2007 15:13

Ha Ha! mixedmama, think the problem is the 'I would probably express my opinions' bit! NO doubt many MILs say the same! I will do the same and probably drive future DIL mad!

TheChickenLady · 29/08/2007 15:10

Sorry Caroline!

I've only just joined, and have promised myself to stay away from 'those' threads. I was truly scared for a minute.

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