Aibu or?? Step children

[WhySoSeriouss]

I've realised recently that I really look forward to our child free time. I have DSC but not DC of my own.

It's not so much about the children, they are a handful but they are ace kids and we get on really well. I would say we do love each other in our own way and have a nice little bond.

However I've come to see that I basically take on the entire role of parent when they are here. It's happened slowly but now I cook for them, pack their lunches, take them to school, tell them to get ready for bed, take them out with me at weekends, entertain them with games etc...

At first I didn't begrudge doing this stuff occasionally but it's expected now and I feel like I've essentially been placed in the 'mum' box when they aren't at hers.

This is a DH problem OBVIOUSLY, I understand that. But it's starting to spill over into me not looking forward to the kids coming over because I feel like I have no autonomy, no space, no opportunity to do my own things. We have them practically every weekend and it's always me doing things with them. DH started a new job which entails a lot of work in the past year and tends to go to do overtime at weekends. If I want to go out, they want to come with me, if I suggest they all do something together just with DH then I'm accused of not wanting to be a family etc... we usually have them with us more than 50% of the week too so it's not a case of eow.

I don't know whether I'm being dramatic and I really should be acting like these are my own kids when they are with us or I should be able to take a step back from parenting responsibilities when I want to occasionally?

Thoughts please? Did this happen to anyone else? They are good kids but I don't feel like they are 'mine' if that makes sense? I feel like I'm doing all the grunt work but get none of the reward (apart from my relationship with the kids), I've never been to see a nativity or a birthday party or whatnot because it makes his ex awkward so I respect that but then they are happy to drop the kids with me when H isn't there, get me to take them to school when they can't etc...?

Your husband needs to be reminded that these are HIS children. There’s nothing wrong in asking you to help out, but to essentially take over? Not on.

I would consider making arrangements to go out next weekend and telling him - NOT asking him if it’s okay - that he will need to look after his own children.

Tbf even when the DC are your own it can feel limiting and imprisoning so you’re not unreasonable to feel like your life’s not your own when they are there.
You’ve identified the problem yourself though, your DH has to do more with them. He needs to be spending proper quality time with them without farming them off to you all the time. It’s rubbish that he never spends anytime alone with them.

I would tell your DH how you feel. It’s great you’ve stepped up, but your clearly unhappy. So speak up before you end up resenting your DH for it.

Surely the kids should be seeing their Dad (and not just with you if he's at work) and the majority of their care is down to him!

It's wonderful you clearly care for them a great deal, but I'd feel like unpaid childcare if I was looking after DH's kids when he was at work.

Yes you're a family, but the responsibility of the kids care and entertainment is not yours. Time for a good chat with your DH about how you're feeling.

then I'm accused of not wanting to be a family etc..

When they are with you do you accuse DH if not wanting to be a family? Cuts both ways

I mean I see positives too in that I really strongly feel that they like/love me a great deal because I essentially mother them when they are here. But it's not because I want to take over or anything. I feel like I've fallen into it and I don't really know how / when it happened, it just did. Does that make sense?

I guess I've just been sort of made to feel like this is what I'm supposed to do because we're a family. I don't want it to seem like a rejection iyswim?

You need to reinforce some boundaries. No more unscheduled dropping them off with you when your H isn't around (emergencies excepted obviously). No more taking them to school or making their packed lunches unless there is truly an unforeseen crisis which means H can't do it himself. No more taking them out by yourself if DH refuses to take them out by himself.

You need to strike a balance between being caring for the children and not being treated like a doormat by their parents.

I think I would try to go along with it, OP, and thank my lucky stars that I never had to go to a Nativity. That has been my experience as a SM.

Think of them as kids you acquired by chance and whose nappies you never had to change. If you avoid rejecting them (which would hurt them), they’ll always be yours (even though they have parents). What’s not to like?

It's gotten to the point now where say if I plan to do X at the weekend on my own i.e. go round shops, or visit family whatever, they ask to come with me. Do I say no? DH usually just says it's up to me but I feel like I can't actually say no when they are asking me themselves.

I'm not miserable don't get me wrong, this is just something I've slowly come to realise recently and I think I need to start putting up some boundaries now like you say.

I don't know if I over think things? I just feel so under appreciated sometimes. Like when I offer to do things for his exw if she's stuck like she wants to drop children off with me when she's got plans or whatever and she won't even come to the door to drop them she'll wait at the top of the path and wave bye to them but she comes up and has a conversation when she drops them with H. Is that rude? Or am I just overthinking it?

I feel like I'm a nice person but I've always been taken advantage of throughout my life because I can't say no to people and very rarely stand up for myself. It's such a delicate subject I just don't know what's right from wrong!

YWNBU to be annoyed even if they were your biological children. You have been made to be default parent and you need your own space too. Then add in that your DH is actually the biological parent and bothering with very little, YANBU.

Looks like you’ve made a great SM OP, well done :)
As for DH, I’d have a discussion with him about you needing some downtime and expecting him to step up sometimes to make it happen.

I would say no sorry occasionally to them coming with you when you go out. I say no to my actual children so don't see why you can't.

To be honest, it doesn't matter that you're a step parent here. If they were your own kids, I think you'd feel the same. We all need a little bit of time to ourselves so the workload of children needs to be shared. Your DH needs to take his turn. My DH takes our son out on their own without me and I take him out without DH from time to time too.

Your post doesn't read like a step parent that resents her stepkids, it reads pretty much like a mother that feels her DH doesn't do as much as he should! If you removed the word step, it would read just like that.

You need to put your foot down and tell your DH you have taken these kids on without issue but where is his input? They are his kids after all and come to spend time with him. He needs to take on his role as dad much more than he does now

Looks like you’ve made a great SM OP, well done

Thank you, it's nice to hear I'm doing okay sometimes!

Say no!

“Ooh no, I’ve had a hell of a week so I’m going for a day to myself today, and I know dad is really really looking forward to seeing you so I’m going to let him win this weekend and get to do something fun with you. Love you lots, see you soon”

Well, your gut is telling you you’re getting walked over. And she is really rude not to even get out of the car.
Your step kids clearly love being with you, which is just so good to read about, but your husband is completely taking the piss. He needs to do the majority of the grunt work and ensure you get some child-free times. My DH and I have two of our own kids, we’re family, I still get plenty of chances to be by myself.
You are clearly nice and that’s not something you should have to apologise for. Other people not treating you right is not because you’re too nice. It’s because they’re not being nice enough.

It doesn’t really matter whether the exW appreciates you tbh. If you want to take the children when she asks, you can. If you don’t want to, you have the great advantage of being able to say no.

Carve out the time you need for yourself but don’t lose sight of the fact that the children love you. When you can treat them as your own, just do it without overthinking it. When you want to go away for a weekend with your friends, do that too.

What ages are these DC? There’s no need for them to go everywhere with you, does your DH take them with him if he goes out?
Whether or not they are DSC or not, few people take their DC everywhere esp if dad is at home. Just say not today Ive things to do, if they’re bored we’ll their dad should be organising activities.

My Dp did this and stopped after we had a joint child as I was run ragged and couldn't do it.
When they ask, I just say sorry not this weekend as I'm doing the xyz with a friend so it's adults only or daddy really would like to spend time with you doing xyz and were doing x tommoroew together.
I think in a weekend one day doing things all together and 1 day doing your own thing is perfectly reasonable. You are Not a childminder, I even want time off from my own child. Currently in Costa without him and I adore him but its far more frelacing this way!! But I'm getting all the dsc out tommoroew on my own. Comprmaise is king!

Your doing women's work.
And he has you feeling lucky for it and if you say 'hey parent you dc' he says you don't care.
Suck it up or tell him straight.

Thanks, this is just so typical of my personality, never being able to say no 😖 I really need to learn to be stronger.

You're right of course, I should just be able to say no sometimes!

Nah bollocks to that.
As for the posters saying 'You'd feel the same if they were your own kids, what's the difference?' The difference is that stepparents aren't allowed to verbalise that like parents are. A parent can say they're kids are driving then crazy but god forbid a stepparent does, or else begins a tide of the ever helpful 'You knew what you were getting yourself into!'

OP, remember this - everything you do for him and them is a bonus. I'm a stepmum of four for 5 years. I adore them. The adore me. We have a wonderful relationship. But that's because I made clear very early on that I would not let resentment seep in. My DH is very very supportive and thankful (I have had to pull him up a few times) Last week I spent all day out with friends, and heard nothing bad from him at all, he just asked if I'd had a good time.
Remember, you are an added extra. Resentment is the killer of step families. Tell your DH it's time to step up and if he was single he'd have to do it all himself. The kids are lucky to have you. Your DH needs to realise that too.

Oh and read 'Stepmonster' it really explains all this much better than I have.

So their Mother has time for 'plans'/stuff on her own, which necessitates her dumping them on you.
Yes, she is being bloody rude in that case not to come to the door and say "hello" and "thank you" - I get that she won't want to be best friends, but nothing to stop her being civil.

You need to discuss with your husband - and certainly not be making offers th ex wife for additional commitment, otherwise you'll end up resenting the children, and taking it out on them.
Do take it as a compliment that they clearly enjoy spending time with you.

YANBU. I think if you marry someone with kids you should be prepared for the kids to have a huge impact on your life but it sounds like DH just isn't pulling his weight. Not only is this unfair on you it's not fair on the kids. I would say practical stuff like packing lunches etc should be a chore which is shared as part of the general household stuff (washing up, hoovering etc) but the actual taking care of the kids - giving them your time and attention should be default be DH. I would expect a step mum to make an effort to get involved and bond etc but not be the default when it comes to planning and actually being there.