Aibu or?? Step children

[WhySoSeriouss]

I've realised recently that I really look forward to our child free time. I have DSC but not DC of my own.

It's not so much about the children, they are a handful but they are ace kids and we get on really well. I would say we do love each other in our own way and have a nice little bond.

However I've come to see that I basically take on the entire role of parent when they are here. It's happened slowly but now I cook for them, pack their lunches, take them to school, tell them to get ready for bed, take them out with me at weekends, entertain them with games etc...

At first I didn't begrudge doing this stuff occasionally but it's expected now and I feel like I've essentially been placed in the 'mum' box when they aren't at hers.

This is a DH problem OBVIOUSLY, I understand that. But it's starting to spill over into me not looking forward to the kids coming over because I feel like I have no autonomy, no space, no opportunity to do my own things. We have them practically every weekend and it's always me doing things with them. DH started a new job which entails a lot of work in the past year and tends to go to do overtime at weekends. If I want to go out, they want to come with me, if I suggest they all do something together just with DH then I'm accused of not wanting to be a family etc... we usually have them with us more than 50% of the week too so it's not a case of eow.

I don't know whether I'm being dramatic and I really should be acting like these are my own kids when they are with us or I should be able to take a step back from parenting responsibilities when I want to occasionally?

Thoughts please? Did this happen to anyone else? They are good kids but I don't feel like they are 'mine' if that makes sense? I feel like I'm doing all the grunt work but get none of the reward (apart from my relationship with the kids), I've never been to see a nativity or a birthday party or whatnot because it makes his ex awkward so I respect that but then they are happy to drop the kids with me when H isn't there, get me to take them to school when they can't etc...?

"she is also in a long term relationship."

Is her partner permitted to attend plays etc?

Think of them as kids you acquired by chance

I'm sorry, I think that this is really, really bad advice. It lets your 'DH' off the hook entirely. At least, have the conversation with him ask ask him for his solution. If he is rather counting on you continuing , well at least you know.

I absolutely would not accept being accused of not joining in family time when you are doing all the heavy lifting for his children.

I think I've made it easy for him to unload the shit parts though and that needs to stop.

Good, well done. Assertiveness training sounds like just what the doctor ordered.

Think about the example you are setting for your DSC. currently they are seeing you the woman picking up all the hard work and the man doing occasional fun things and calling you out for not wanting family time.

Much better to model a more even division of labour.

You need to start attending their plays, games, school things etc when you want to. Your DH and his ex don't get to dump all the grunt work and responsibilities, and be happy you step up and help them out whenever they ask, but oh you're not welcome to celebrate their achievements as well?

Just start attending if you want to attend. FFS. What they're doing isn't right. They should be counting their lucky stars you're such a fab adult in their children's lives!

I think the mature solution would be as prev poster suggested... agree with DH before hand what he is going to do with them while you do x y or z. That means they either know they are going out with DH, or the reply is 'Not today, DH wants to take you bowling (or whatever).'

However, I would be tempted to land DH in it and tell them that you are shopping but how would you like to do x with DH? This puts him on the spot. If he refuses, pull out the family time argument.

I realise option 2 is a bit immature and passive aggressive but it wouldn't stop me wanting to be immature.

This isn't a SM problem. It is a SM's DH problem.

I would be very inclined to book up weekends away so he has to step up and look after his own children.

You have become the default parent. It happens by stealth because you see stuff that needs doing and do it. Then it becomes your job.

Start allocating jobs to your DH. Also don’t do things like make a costume for a school play or assembly if you are not allowed to go.

If you find it hard to say no then arrange something on the weekend that DC can’t go to eg adult Pilates or yoga, go to the cinema with a friend to see a 15 or 18 film. Meet your family in a pub.
Then you can do the “I’d love to take you but it’s only grown ups, I am sure you will have great fun with your Dad.”

OP, you sound so lovely.

You are not being dramatic.

You are being used.

You sound like the help.

Your husband is selfish, lazy and boy does he suit himself.

He has conveniently handed over all the grunt work to you.

He doesn't sound like much of a father.

I would have a very hard think about your future, and your plans to have a child with him.

He has shown you exactly what he will be like.

Unfortunately you have shown them how they can treat you.

They must be delighted that you are so passive and expect so little.

I think you need to look at your self-esteem.

Awful to be used so conveniently by your husband and his ex, but not included in any of the nicer moments.

💐

You sound lovely OP. Whether they are you own children or step children, you would be entitled to want a break from time to time! Perhaps start putting in some adult friend lunches and notifying your OH he needs to be available in this time, to break the habit that you are default carer. Being default carer is annoying even when you gave birth to them! So I don’t blame you for feeling frustrated.

So the mother has every weekend child-free and you also have them more than 50% during the week. How the hell did she engineer that? The mother looks after her own children less than you do, that's a sweet deal for her isn't it? Time to put your foot down. I think the kids should be at yours every other weekend, that is the normal arrangement, so each parent gets two weekends a month child free. I'm not sure how you will get your DH to agree to that given he sounds a lazy arse, but I would from now on make sure you are not available to anyone two weekends a month, if you go away or physically remove yourself from the home so your DH has to parent his own offspring. It won't be easy but if you don't do this nothing will change. Fucking men always looking for other women to look after their own children, you have to challenge the status quo Op or he will keep using you, these type of men have no shame.

Even if they were your children you would want some time to yourself. You are not a bad person - he is just being a bit of a lazy DH and happy for you to take the bulk of the childcare. I suspect you don't want to appear cold by saying you need private time - he is taking advantage of this.

Arrange more family stuff for you to do together with DH - or arrange a girlie weekend away with friends.

I've come to see that I basically take on the entire role of parent when they are here. It's happened slowly but now I cook for them, pack their lunches, take them to school, tell them to get ready for bed, take them out with me at weekends, entertain them with games etc...

The elephant in the room is what will happen when you have a child of your own. If he's like this now and you're not even their mother, what will he be like when you are? Oh sure you'll get to go to your own kid's nativity play but you'll be doing everything else as well and he'll be doing fuck all.

OP I haven't rtft but I could have written your OP! If you feel like you need a bit of support from someone in your exact position please DM if only to rant x

I suspect you don't want to appear cold by saying you need private time

Yes that's true. I don't want to seem uninvolved and like 'not my kids not my problem' kind of thing. I'm happy to help but it's obviously can too much the other way now!

We do have the more than 50% of the time most weeks and it's usually always over the weekend it's hard not to say too much without being outing but that's another thread tbh! Basically they are with us a lot.

Thanks so much for the replies. I definitely need to work on my assertiveness. I went through a bad abusive relationship through my early twenties and I'm fairly sure I still carry baggage from that, feeling like I can't speak my mind etc... That mixed with my general personality of being completely passive and really trying to avoid confrontation whenever I can means I'm easily walked over unfortunately!

I would tackle it as misogyny tbh!!!

Where are you the default person?

Nothing wrong with "it's Dad's turn, I'm out with my friends"

DH well, he loves his kids, he really really does.

Why do women being fucked over with the wife-work always say this?
It is a given, surely?

but now I cook for them, pack their lunches, take them to school, tell them to get ready for bed, take them out with me at weekends, entertain them with games etc...

You are the unpaid drudge and default parent/cook etc.

Where is he when you are doing all this?

JUST STOP. Refer them back to their dad, every time. You are helping them as a family in the long term - him to get to know his children and to strengthen their bond. Love isn't enough.

You are enabling him to be a disney Dad.

OP,

You have gone from one unhealthy relationship to another one.

You have married a man whom you don't feel you can speak up to.

He is not a good father.

He is not a good husband.

Why do you imagine he will want to parent your child when he won't do a thing for the children he has.?

You are neither respected nor considered by your husband nor his ex.

Your are the help.

Instead of being the help.....you need to get help.

Theis is not a healthy relationship.

Do not get pregnant.