Aibu or?? Step children

[WhySoSeriouss]

I've realised recently that I really look forward to our child free time. I have DSC but not DC of my own.

It's not so much about the children, they are a handful but they are ace kids and we get on really well. I would say we do love each other in our own way and have a nice little bond.

However I've come to see that I basically take on the entire role of parent when they are here. It's happened slowly but now I cook for them, pack their lunches, take them to school, tell them to get ready for bed, take them out with me at weekends, entertain them with games etc...

At first I didn't begrudge doing this stuff occasionally but it's expected now and I feel like I've essentially been placed in the 'mum' box when they aren't at hers.

This is a DH problem OBVIOUSLY, I understand that. But it's starting to spill over into me not looking forward to the kids coming over because I feel like I have no autonomy, no space, no opportunity to do my own things. We have them practically every weekend and it's always me doing things with them. DH started a new job which entails a lot of work in the past year and tends to go to do overtime at weekends. If I want to go out, they want to come with me, if I suggest they all do something together just with DH then I'm accused of not wanting to be a family etc... we usually have them with us more than 50% of the week too so it's not a case of eow.

I don't know whether I'm being dramatic and I really should be acting like these are my own kids when they are with us or I should be able to take a step back from parenting responsibilities when I want to occasionally?

Thoughts please? Did this happen to anyone else? They are good kids but I don't feel like they are 'mine' if that makes sense? I feel like I'm doing all the grunt work but get none of the reward (apart from my relationship with the kids), I've never been to see a nativity or a birthday party or whatnot because it makes his ex awkward so I respect that but then they are happy to drop the kids with me when H isn't there, get me to take them to school when they can't etc...?

Sounds like you are being more of a parent than the actual dad !!

You are clearly a very lovley loving and caring person so you naturally show care for them, but it's not OK that the actual dad isn't . also guilt tripping you when you say you want to do thing on your own. That's not okay at all.

Plan a weekend of your own asap.

Then from then on if the kids ask you themselves to come with you to things, and you don't want them too, say its an only for grownup thing this time, but you will do xyz activity with them another day/whatever

Does DH have them come everywhere with him ? Sounds like he has got too comfortable with you doing all the parenting

Oh dear. He’s taking the piss. His ex is taking the piss. The kids probably consider you more of a parent than their dad. And it’s been going on so long you think you’ll struggle to create healthy boundaries.

When you want to go out and they ask you join you, smile and say “no, I’m off to see my friend and let you have a brilliant time with your dad”, pick up your bag and walk out the door.

Stop doing the drudge work. He should be cooking, cleaning, tidying up after them, making school lunches, shopping for them and taking the lead on bedtimes and discipline.

If you’re parenting them more than half the time of course you should be going to nativity’s, you’re more involved than their mum or dad! It’s up to you then if you actually want to but if the kids want you there it’s fuck all to do with the ex who’s happy to offload the crappy work and be there for the fun parts.

How old are the DC? How long have you been together, living together, do you want your own?

It’s not too late to make changes and create some balance but you have to be prepared to tackle your DH and push back hard when his expectations are about him having the easiest life possible, and stop doing favours for his ex. If she’s dumping the kids on you the very least she can do is be grateful and friendly, so if she’s not then stop. And be clear that when you’re asked to have them on non scheduled time at yours then it IS a favour to her. I’d include so called emergency cover in that too because if you weren’t around they’d have to manage between the two of them. The stuff you’re doing over and above during scheduled time is a favour to him and shouldn’t be an expectation.

Is he not concerned that his children prefer you to him? He should do.

Depending on their ages, if you and he split up next week you’d have no right to ever see the children again. It sounds like his ex would probably still try and use you as free childcare. But that point aside, your role is to be an extra bonus parent, not the main parent, and while it’s great you love them and want to support and care for them you don’t get to make any of the big decisions in their lives, don’t have parental responsibility, and your relationship with them is dependent on your marriage to their father. Does he no realise that if you had enough and walked away he’d have to take the time to get to know his kids and do all the work needed to care for them?

Thank you.

I will say about their mum that she is a good one, I don't dislike her at all and tbf apart from some minor things at the start of our relationship she's never caused us any bother. She's civil to me when we are face to face when she drops kids with DH. It's just things like plays etc... She doesn't want me there, doesn't come to the door if it's just me etc... She does say thank you though, but it's through DH. Tell Why I said thanks etc... She's certainly not an exwife from hell, it's just an example of a time I've not felt appreciated.

DH well, he loves his kids, he really really does. I think I've made it easy for him to unload the shit parts though and that needs to stop. I'm not letting him off, it's not right. I do know that and I have realised it a lot more recently.

I just get very anxious. I'm a worrier naturally and it's a blood pain in the arse 😞

Tell them you're off out, but don't give them much warning, tell them to go ask dad what he has planned.
Tell them you're meeting a friend for a chat so they can't come sorry.
I'd do that to my own children so it's fine to say they can't come.
Tell dh you need a better division of work re his children, it's all fallen to you and it needs sharing out so he parents too

I wonder if this might help? It's broken down into modules you can work through as a complete "course" or dip into the areas that are particularly troubling you.

www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Assertiveness

Are you doing as much or more parenting than their Mum? I would certainly point out to DP that you do more than him!

When they are over I'd make a big thing of it being "Daddy time" and certainly ensure he does their grunt work- washing and packed lunches...

I always (rightly or wrongly) see the role of SM as a close aunt kind of position. Great to have the support of but not to be taken the piss out of and the parent should still be facilitating the grunt work since they ultimately have the final say in their upbringing.

Basically you’ve been taken for granted. ‘Family time’ is a red herring since you get plenty of time as a unit with them it’s DH that doesn’t. Even if they were your biological children together they would benefit from 1:1 time with their father.

Definitely time to get assertive and be strong with your position of enjoying the kids but you aren’t their parent - that’s their job.

If the children ask to come with you just say no nicely, it speak to dh in advance saying you want some time to yourself if the kids ask to come tell them he wants to see them (should be true anyway!). Suggest a family movie/boardgame/dinner when you get back.

You sound like a lovely SM and the kids are very lucky - which they seem to appreciate. If you got involved with your now-husband when he was still married, ir’s natural that his XW would dislike you, but it’s great that the children don’t seem to be suffering.

But this is your DH’s responsibility. Get him to step up.

Oh OP, you sound lovely. I feel for you so much as I am in a similar position.

Please try and change things for your sake though. I can assure you once you add your own DC into the mix it doesn't get easier. I speak sadly from experience.

Boundaries are harder to put up as you don't want SC to feel like you now favour your own (which isn't the case!) . DH suddenly sees the "mum" role as even more yours to take. And quite honestly as other posters have mentioned, it is perfectly normal to want a break from your own. So don't feel guilty about that with sc! Every now and then, especially now pregnant again I wish I could just have half hour, or someone else to take the load for a bit.

Dh works long hours and I am a SAHM so it falls even more to me and he sees that as a reason why.

But do try to nip this in the bud now. It may not cause you to resent your SC (I still love mine to bits) but when you've spent all week just dreaming of a half hour bath without a toddler running rampage, knowing instead of a break you'll get two more - it is hard not to resent the SITUATION (again I stress not SC!)

I wish you all the best. I really do. Your sc are lucky to have you and you need to make sure your DH sees that too and takes over.

As others have said - you should be a lovely kind fun bonus in their lives. Not filling in for a lazy parent.

Thank you.

I'll answer some questions. Kids are 7 and 12. We've been together 5 years married 2.

I was definitely not the OW. They were divorced before I came along and she is also in a long term relationship. She's never been overly bothered about my existence even from the start. Never been any real drama everyone has rubbed along quite nicely bar the odd minor hiccup.

12,7 and asking to come with you all the time? I thought you were going to say toddlers 🙄 Time for dad to step up or entertain themselves.

It isn't uncommon. My SC are 8 and 11. They range from being quite clingy/quite distant/independent depending on where their mindset is at that time

Your DH should not be putting you in the position of saying "no, you can't come with me" to them. When you're heading out and they ask to come he needs to be the one to step in and say no: we're doing something else together instead.

He is certainly taking advantage of your good nature.

I also don't think they need to be coming over when your DH is working. They're coming to see him, not you, and he needs to do all he can to ensure he isn't working during his contact time. I think he needs to discuss with ExW what will happen if him working is unavoidable and looking to amend the hours.

Even if they were your own kids you'd still want some time on your own without the kids. Its fine to say no sometimes.

DH well, he loves his kids, he really really does. I think I've made it easy for him to unload the shit parts though and that needs to stop.

This is an example of why you would really benefit from looking into some assertive thinking. Your DH is not avoiding his responsibilities because you have 'made it easy'. It is 100% his fault: he's doing it because he doesn't want to take responsibility for maintaining a good relationship with his children. You seem like a caring, warm person and have picked up the slack.

It's super that he loves his kids. This is not even the minimum expected of a parent. He needs to couple that affection with some actual time and service.

It sounds like this arrangement completely works for him at the moment. He is doing very little parenting whilst congratulating himself that he is successfully raising his children in a blended family. He isn't. You are. This will come back to bite him when they are older.

OP - you sound lovely and DSC are lucky to have you. Your story touched a nerve!

Thank you for the link re the assertiveness. I will take a look.

I probably sound pathetic. I'm a grown adult woman I swear!

Boobs and Vagina. You have them so therefore DH thinks, whether consciously or not, that all this stuff is your job automatically. It seems to be a tricky mindset to overturn as it is so ingrained.

A PP has the right of it though - why is he not concerned that his children don’t get to spend one on one quality time with him? If the worst should happen and you split, how would he suddenly go about building bridges to his children, who would most likely be devastated? It would be awful. These are his children, he should actively want to be a key player in their lives.

It has to change, but without hurting the children. Some serious discussions need to be had with DH about why he thinks this is ok. Then you tell him “as of x day I will no longer be doing y and z, and I fully expect you to step up for your children”. This bit is not up for discussion.

Arghfudgeit thank you. I do worry about that too. I do want my own eventually so these boundaries need to be up before then!

When they ask to come just say I have things to do but will bring a treat back. It works for me , I usually take a cake or sweet treats .

As they were divorced, his ex wife’s behaviour is pretty odd really. Is it is possible she is resentful of you because the children must really love spending time with you? This may explain her behaviour but in any case, it is all about her, not you. Secondly your “dh” doesn’t seem to be marketing you to her as someone she needs to respect.

Think on this. You’ve fallen into the position of childminder and maid. They both seem to be happy with it. You, not so much so. Time to address this and put some boundaries up.

I think you need to have a VERY serious conversation with their father. About your needs, and about the chldren's needs. Presumably some of the time their mother has sole care of them. The rest of the time he is responsible for them. You may agree to share some of that responsibbility but he cannot just dump it on you when he feels like it, under the guide of being "a fmaily". Perhaps you might even remind him that his first family broke up, and if he doesn't want the second one to break up as well he had better adjust his prioritites.

You need to plan your weekends a bit, with family time and separate time, and have conversations with your husband before the children arrive that go "I am going to the shops on Saturday morning, what are you doing with them while I am busy?" He is cowardy to "leave it up to you" in front of the children.

The ex-wife has no reason to appreciate you at all. She might feel sorry for you but you are not her business. Your husband, on the other, should appreciate you. From what you are saying he does not. If you are more assertive and keep stricter boundaries about what you will and wont do for him then he may start to appreciate you more. Certainly I can't see why the children should come over to be babysat by you when he is not there. By doing that their father is giving the impression that neither of their parents want them and that will make them even more clingy towards you.

It's great that the kids like you but the adults are completely taking the piss.

You have every right to take on absolutely no responsibility for them and refuse having them when he is not there to look after them himself, without him having any reason to be annoyed with you - they are his kids.

It is nice that you don't, or haven't, wanted to do that, but it's not so nice that your partner "accuses" you of not wanting family time if you want some time to yourself. That implies that he has thought about it and come to the conclusion that you doing everything is quite right and if you want even a one off afternoon for yourself you are being unreasonable. That is way out of line, he should be incredibly grateful you do as much as you do and accommodating to you wanting your own free time. He shouldn't be guilt tripping you over not wanting to spend time with HIS kids, they are his, not yours. He is delusional if he genuinely expects you to want to spend all your time with them and thinks it's unnatural if you don't. That is the biggest problem, I think.

guide of being "a fmaily" = guise of "being a family"