Aibu or?? Step children

[WhySoSeriouss]

I've realised recently that I really look forward to our child free time. I have DSC but not DC of my own.

It's not so much about the children, they are a handful but they are ace kids and we get on really well. I would say we do love each other in our own way and have a nice little bond.

However I've come to see that I basically take on the entire role of parent when they are here. It's happened slowly but now I cook for them, pack their lunches, take them to school, tell them to get ready for bed, take them out with me at weekends, entertain them with games etc...

At first I didn't begrudge doing this stuff occasionally but it's expected now and I feel like I've essentially been placed in the 'mum' box when they aren't at hers.

This is a DH problem OBVIOUSLY, I understand that. But it's starting to spill over into me not looking forward to the kids coming over because I feel like I have no autonomy, no space, no opportunity to do my own things. We have them practically every weekend and it's always me doing things with them. DH started a new job which entails a lot of work in the past year and tends to go to do overtime at weekends. If I want to go out, they want to come with me, if I suggest they all do something together just with DH then I'm accused of not wanting to be a family etc... we usually have them with us more than 50% of the week too so it's not a case of eow.

I don't know whether I'm being dramatic and I really should be acting like these are my own kids when they are with us or I should be able to take a step back from parenting responsibilities when I want to occasionally?

Thoughts please? Did this happen to anyone else? They are good kids but I don't feel like they are 'mine' if that makes sense? I feel like I'm doing all the grunt work but get none of the reward (apart from my relationship with the kids), I've never been to see a nativity or a birthday party or whatnot because it makes his ex awkward so I respect that but then they are happy to drop the kids with me when H isn't there, get me to take them to school when they can't etc...?

You sound like a wonderful SM!

I think you need to start setting some boundaries, starting with carving out a little 'me' time every week. This will also mean your DH will be forced to spend some time with his kids too, which will benefit everyone.

Good Luck!

Not much to add that hasn't been said before other than you sound like a thoroughly nice person. What lucky stepchildren you have.

Wow, am just amazed at the fact that you and your husband think it's perfectly normal that you should parent his kids for him.

I suppose your options are:

1. Continue as unpaid nanny and housekeeper
2. Stop doing anything for the children so their father can actually step up and parent them
3. Talk to your husband about the ridiculous situation that you've slept walked into and tell him you'll do a and b but not c,d,e,f etc whatever those things are

You only get one life and I'm constantly amazed at how many women are willing to sacrifice that just to please a man or rather to prevent a man getting annoyed with them

You're a very kind person and a great step mum and your DH and his ex have taken advantage. Have a really good think about the level of involvement you're happy with that won't leave you feeling resentful, and work it out with your DH.

The ex isn't treating you well. She's happy to take advantage but isn't willing to give other than the absolute bare minimum. Well, that's not enough. So I think you should start saying no to the odd request from her. It just makes it clear that you are no longer her skivvy and perhaps SHE needs to make more effort. You can do it kindly and politely, but she's gotten used to taking advantage and you have accepted that. You can change that. Small steps, but soon you'll feel so much better.

I think you sound lovely. My ex husband's partner never does anything with our children (and I mean never) and their relationship with her has never progressed over the years. They are still at the initial stage of small talk and polite chit chat. My ex does everything with the kids on his weekend, and she never joins in. She was the 'other woman' and they've been together for years now, so I just can't figure it out, especially when they're such great kids. It's sad really, that he has chosen a partner with not the biggest of hearts.
Anyway, YADNBU and I think you sound ace!

You’re a victim of your own success, you’re clearly doing a great job if they’re choosing to be with you. The answer to getting some time to yourself is for their dad to organise things for them to do with him. Is he doing any parenting at all?

You are in the classic situation where a man left to parent his own children rapidly finds another woman to take on the work for him.

Yes you are a great stepmother. But you are letting him off the hook. And actually it’s to his detriment. Give him a kick up the arse - he needs to spend time and do things with his own kids for the sake of his relationship with them. It’s not even about you being made to do wifework - it’s about what he’s losing.

But also seriously review the division of labour in your relationship as he sounds like a sexist shit.

OP - I urge you even more if you plan DC to get a healthier position in your life now.

My main regret with my family is never doing that before DD came along. It blurred boundaries, left them hard to enforce afterwards and became bloody hard work.

Yes the rewards of love with SC and the bond is lovely. Of course it is. I am always grateful I have them in my life, but I am completely honest with DH in saying if I truly knew where I would end up, I wouldn't have chosen this.

Not that I regret it as such, there are so many rewards and it reaches a point the kids DO notice who is caring for them. But that brings it's own heartbreak for them and for you. Their main care for their sake should be coming from their parent. It can't be nice to notice dads wife does it all and he does the minimum. It hurts their relationship with their dad. Which can eventually as has happened in our case, caused a bit of distance at times. As they are acting out towards their DF, and you and your DC get caught in the mix. Despite all your hard work.

Feeling resentful towards my DH during the newborn faze of pure exhaustion then being thrown two more kids to care for and sit up with when needed absolutely contributed towards my pnd. It was hell. I would never habe NOT sat up with them where needed, I was and always will be there for them. But it is hard not to feel a slither of anger when you're losing out on a small window of sleep, while your DH snores away. Just so he can say he sees his kids. When reality is, you see and care for his kids.

That said, it can get better. I still have problems with my DH and only recently actually done a post regarding him. But slowly as I gained a backbone, and stuck to it - he is getting a little better. This process may be easier/quicker if you have someone that is a bit more responsive. But it is possible. He knows now I will call him out on his bullshit, he will still fall into hold habits - but when called out on it he notices it more.

I have accepted i will likely always be the more "parent" role on some level. Parenting doesn't come naturally to him at all, but that doesn't stop you kicking his arse every time he slacks!

If they ask to come with you it’s ok to say ‘no not today’ they might be put out at the time but they won’t hold it against you long term. My 9 yo is currently cross with me because I’m going out without her tonight. Even birth parents don’t take their kids everywhere with them.

You need to ask DH to step on here. When you say your going to the shops or whatever, he needs to pipe up and say, no your staying with me, we’ll do x y and z.

If you broke up with DH tomorrow, chances where you wouldn’t have a long term relationship with the DC, you should have a side role not a parental role.

A parent can say they're kids are driving then crazy but god forbid a stepparent does, or else begins a tide of the ever helpful 'You knew what you were getting yourself into!' hmm

I've said to parents too to be honest. Because they did, it's not like having kids and them being difficult is a secret is it? If you weren't aware of how difficult children are before having them, what rock have you being living under? By the way love your username, that's one of my favourite films from when I was a child, although I still love it.

You do sound like a good stepmum op. But you are totally not unreasonable that your stupid husband should actually be parenting his own kids. And his ex wife is a very rude person. Thank god the kids have someone decent to look up to. Yeah you became a stepmum and knew what you were getting yourself into, but parenting with two parents there should be split evenly between both. Not one just fuck off and does what they want while the other does everything. He has replaced the actual mother with you so he doesn't have to do anything. You obviously can't ignore them and do nothing, but you aren't a replacement 'dad' either.

Get reading OP. It's all well and good us advising you to say , Y and Z. However, I know from experience it can be overwhelming in the moment to state your boundaries and stick to them.

I suggest:

When I Say No, I Feel Guilty

Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

The Disease to Please

The Courage to be Disliked

The assertiveness resources referenced above are useful too.

If anyone has any more useful suggestions, please add.

Start small and build more No's into your life. It's scary but doable.

There are some great threads on this topic on MN. Good luck! ☘️

I don't know whether I'm being dramatic and I really should be acting like these are my own kids when they are with us or I should be able to take a step back from parenting responsibilities when I want to occasionally

YANBU. In this specific matter, your DH is a lazy sexist arse basically.

And even if they were your DC, unless you and your DH agree that you would take on the SAHP role (with your DH compensating by topping up your pension & savings, and all money being shared while you're not earning). Unless you & your DH agreed to this, your DC's other parent should be taking half the load.

On this matter, your DH is taking the mick. He's being a sexist twat.

I would say practical stuff like packing lunches etc should be a chore which is shared as part of the general household stuff (washing up, hoovering etc) but the actual taking care of the kids - giving them your time and attention should be default be DH.

I knownthis was meant to be reassuring but I do kind of wonder what the logic is behind step parents being expected to do the chores but not the fun stuff. When my DP has friends over I don't cook and clean for them and then stay out of the way. Why doesn't the same apply?

OP with the relationship you've described with their mother I also think she kind of needs to suck it up regarding the school plays etc, if you would like to go. Both parents are happy for you to be heavily involved and do a lot of the hard work, and if there is no animosity and both of them have moved on, if they are expecting this much of you you should be treated like the third parent you have been for them

I have 3 children (grown up now) but I can remember going out and one of them sobbing pressed against the glass panel of the front door as they wanted to come with me.
I don’t think they have been damaged by leaving them with baby sitters or their other parent, and I can’t see that it will damage them or your family to a) have some time to yourself and b) make their father do some real parenting
You must carve out some time for yourself, get your hair or nails done, boring lots of sitting round etc or do a adults only gym class where they can’t come even if they wanted.
Start to say no to the ex or if you don't want to do that tell her that you have plans and to check with DH and make sure you’re either out or on your way to going out when they arrive.
You also need a conversation with your DH - he’s their father he needs to step up. Him and his ex are taking you for granted.
Basically the bottom line is that he’s slotted you into a cloned mum role but in reality your relationship could end ( not that I’m suggesting that) and basically you could walk away and never see the children again and you could have no contact with them ever again as you’re not their mum and have no legal or biological link to them.

He’s taking advantage. You are doing all the thinking, planning, caring and providing the fun.

What does he do that involves thinking, planning or actively caring for anyone?

Why are they at your house if their Dad isn't there. If they were my children I'd want them at home, doing things with me if their Dad wasn't able to look after our children. Perhaps your DH should renegotiate access with his ex so he gets the children when he is able to spend time with them and you get some of your life back.

Justtryingtobehelpful

Thank you for those suggestions! I'll take a look.

I've just nipped out but will read all replies properly and respond when I'm home thank you all for the replies. A lot to think about!

I think I got into a similar position with my DSD and it was only when I had my own DD that I really recognised that and pushed back on DH; it was silly things like realising she’d always come to me when she was hungry even if that involved walking past DH. I was quite subtle in referring her back to her dad on quite a few things and had some more frank conversations with DH about him being her dad.
I used to end up leaving the weekends we had with her free and doing my own thing on the weekends she wasn’t there. It’s actually been more balanced since having my DD as I plan time to myself in advance such as seeing a friend and if that happens to fall on a weekend she is with us then that’s just how it is.
I think becoming a mum also helped me see that I was fitting into the mum role when she was with us and I didn’t need to do that; she has a mum and she has a dad and I should get to enjoy my role as someone additional in her life

I’m not a stepmom, just a mum and I love my DC and was privileged to be a SAHM but I found myself in a similar position. Because I was always present the kids were in the habit of coming to me which meant even when DH was there I was still doing everything.

I had to make an effort to be out of the house as much as possible when he was home leaving him in sole charge. Inevitably he didn’t do things the same way I did (and IMO, not as well as I did) but it was the only way I got some down time. It also had the knock on effect of strengthening the dad/child bond.

You don’t need to say “no” as such but you can have some excuses why they can’t come out with you? Maybe book to go to the cinema with a friend? “Sorry, we precooked the tickets and there are no seats left, I will take you next time”, say your meeting a friend who’s going through a tough time and it’s adults only? Everyone deserves time alone away from kids wether they are yours or not. Your Dh needs to step up and do more with them and you need to step back a bit (he’s taking advantage).

Honestly it’s fine to just say ‘no not today, I want some time alone’ even if it is a stepchild. I say it to my children (and my stepchild when he was younger).

I would have serious words with DH. It’s not up to you to facilitate ‘family time’ - and if it was, you shouldn’t be left with the drudgery. They’re his children, he needs to decline overtime to spend time with them.

Get a good book on being Assertive.

This isn't a step-parent problem. This is a "your husband thinks that because you have a vagina you have to do all the boring, relentless, dull work of parenting" problem.

I'd sit him down when the kids aren't there and point out that they're his kids, so why are you doing all the work, while he does all the fun bits? And from now on, when they ask re. this: Do I say no? DH usually just says it's up to me but I feel like I can't actually say no when they are asking me themselves. you say, "Aww, no, Daddy will miss you so much, he wants to spend time with you..." and Daddy bloody well backs you up. And repeat.

His ex-wife is also being cheeky, but he's being a lazy fuck.

Agreed that from now on when his ex wants you to be her back-up, you politely refuse. "Sorry, doesn't work for me. I'm sure you'll find someone." If you're not good enough to attend school plays etc, then you're not good enough to be her free babysitter, either. But that goes treble for a man who thinks you should do all the donkey work of parenting, and get none of the glowy moments.

So, his ex wife can leave the children with you to facilitate her plans, your DH can leave the kids with you to facilitate his plans/work/can't be bothered but if you don't want to take the kids with you or you want to make plans without the children you are accused of not being 'family minded'! Fuck that for a game of soldiers. Your DH is a complete fucking user!
Have you posted about this before?