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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I’m pregnant and my partner doesn’t want it

80 replies

Laurajaden · 10/01/2020 20:35

Hiya
I’m a mum to a beautiful 2 year old which was planned and we love very much. I am only 23 however knew I wanted children young
Recently we found out I was pregnant completely unplanned. We both agreed immediately that we didn’t want it. I went to the clinic and had the beginning steps and found out I was 6 weeks pregnant and what my options were. They asked my reasoning and as I tried it explain why I was crying and it felt wrong.
I was unsure for the last few weeks whether I wanted to keep it or not but my partner hasn’t wavered at all. He’s adamant he doesn’t want it. We don’t have the financial stability or the room. He also says he isn’t ready to have another one and it will take a toll on his mental health.
I am obviously upset by this, and it makes my decision harder. I came to a conclusion that even though it’s scary to be having another one right now, i don’t think I could terminate the pregnancy as I couldn’t live with the guilt and resentment.
I told my partner tonight and it’s really brought him down the decision and he’s said he feels like he doesn’t have a choice. Which is true I guess but not how I want him to feel...
I think what I’m asking is.. am I doing the right thing ?
I love my partner and the last thing I would want is this new baby to tear us apart

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 10/01/2020 20:39

Sorry you're going through this. What is your financial and physical set up?

Original poster
Laurajaden · 10/01/2020 20:44

We have just started applying for a mortgage in the house we are currently renting. We have been approved and it will be going through in the next couple months.
I mean my partner definitely covers more of the costs than me as I work only 3 days a week in order to look after our daughter as nursery is an expensive cost. He is very cautious with money but even after this mortgage goes through we would be left with quite a bit in his savings. I have been trying to contribute more and have said I will do as much as I can to try and do work at home to bring extra money in

OP posts:
Armadilloboss · 10/01/2020 20:45

I think you need to weigh up what the consequences will be if you terminate the pregnancy vs if you have the baby. From the sounds of it, if you have a termination, you will regret it, as it sounds like you do actually want this baby. If you have the baby it may be a struggle financially for a while, and it may be a squeeze in your house, but surely that’s better than regretting not having the baby?

CakeandCustard28 · 10/01/2020 20:47

This probably won’t help but might give you some comfort.
With my youngest DC he was a surprise baby too, my DH didn’t want another baby (not the right time, money etc) it did take them two years to bond, but now they’re very close. I guess what I’m saying is if you don’t want to terminate then don’t as it sounds like you don’t want too, you don’t know what the future holds.

Original poster
Laurajaden · 10/01/2020 20:47

I thought so too but I feel horrible for making him have to have that decision

OP posts:
Peterspotter · 10/01/2020 20:48

I wouldn’t have a termination just because some one wanted me too but you have to be ready for a fall out that might happen if you continue with it.

Grumpygrumpybumbum · 10/01/2020 20:49

You may end up in the situation where you have to chose between your unborn child or your partner.

Which would you regret more, proceeding with the abortion and potentially lose your relationship or abort the pregnancy and stay with your partner?

You need to do what is right for you OP. If you want this baby, follow through. A man doesn’t go through pregnancy, he doesn’t have to deal with the emotions and the physical implications of ending the pregnancy. It’s your decision and your body.

Good luck OP. I’m sorry your going through this Flowers

Grumpygrumpybumbum · 10/01/2020 20:50

Was he using contraception or is that just your responsibility?

Jojo19834 · 10/01/2020 20:51

Sorry you are going through this, not an easy decision. You mention buying the house you are in but there isn’t room for another child. Is it the right thing to be buying this property? You don’t want to be moving for a number of years due to cost so you wouldn’t be planning another child for that period. Is that what you want longer term?

PurpleDaisies · 10/01/2020 20:51

It’s absolutely your decision.

What seems to happen over and over again is a woman terminates to keep her partner. Then the partner leaves anyway. You need to do what’s right for you without considering him.

Original poster
Laurajaden · 10/01/2020 20:53

We weren’t using contraception so really can’t be surprised. We had been tracking my ovulation and avoiding having inter course whilst I was ovulating. It worked well for 6 months, but we then decided it was too risky . I got an appointment to get the coil but then after a late period discovered I was pregnant

OP posts:
Bizawit · 10/01/2020 20:54

Do what feels right for you OP. It’s your body. Your partner should not be trying to manipulate/ coerce you in to having an abortion. Flowers

Waxonwaxoff0 · 10/01/2020 20:54

It is your decision ultimately.

Would you be able to cope as a single parent though if your relationship didn't survive this? That would be my main concern.

And if he didn't want a baby he should have used a condom.

Original poster
Laurajaden · 10/01/2020 20:55

I always said I would like more children however he has fluctaed between the two depending on how well behaved our daughter had been that day
We are buying this house off his grandfather and are getting a good price for the size of the property. We looked around but due to me working part time we couldn’t borrow very much for a mortgage. Most of the money of deposit by OH has saved up

OP posts:
Original poster
Laurajaden · 10/01/2020 20:57

I know if I had to cope as a single parent I could but I just don’t want too is the main worry. It’s the heartbreak that scares me I guess

OP posts:
june2007 · 10/01/2020 20:58

It,s not yabu question is it. It, got too many variables for that. Do you want more children in the future? If so why not now. (no guarentee of finances being better in future.) If you go ahead and have an abortion do you think you would regret it.? Do you think hewould be ok if you say I am keeping the baby. Accidents happen they don,t have to make things worse, 2 years is a good age gap. Ultimately in your situation I couldn,t justify an abortion but the decision is yours and although it is ultimately your decision you do have to think about the effect on your relationship no matter which way you go.

Babybel90 · 10/01/2020 21:00

Please do not have a termination if it’s not what you want.

His lost his right to choose when he made the choice to have unprotected sex, he was fully aware of the consequences.

Look after yourself first, having a second child isn’t the worst thing in the world.

Grumpygrumpybumbum · 10/01/2020 21:13

If he really really didn’t want another child he should have used protection.

SandyY2K · 10/01/2020 21:13

It sounds like the bulk of the financial pressure will fall on him.... while you are facing emotional decisions.

The time isn't always right for a baby, but you need to know how you would manage if your OH develops mental health issues and you have him and 2 little ones to cope with.

frankincenseandmur · 10/01/2020 21:18

Definitely don’t have a termination if it isn’t right for you. But try and plan how you would cope financially and emotionally with an extra child

Butchyrestingface · 10/01/2020 21:18

Why were you using this method of contraception, OP? The only people I’ve known who use the rhythm method exclusively are either diehard Catholics or actually ambivalent about getting pregnant.

Original poster
Laurajaden · 10/01/2020 21:18

This is very true. He has suffered with depression in the past in his old job. It all got too much for him and he was off for several months.
I want to show him I’m here for him. And I want to contribute more with money to make him worry less however I don’t know how I can. I stretch myself thin a lot for all the outgoings. The only relif is come February my outgoings will drop by nearly £300 so will give me more to be able to contribute for the house

OP posts:
Original poster
Laurajaden · 10/01/2020 21:20

I was using this method as at the time I was onto some contraceptive pills however I had an awful reaction to them with rashes and bleeding 3 weeks out for 4 for nearly 4 months. I decided to stop taking them and for a while was using this method whilst my body regulated itself. I admit it went on longer than it should before I booked to get the coil fitted

OP posts:
Brig93 · 10/01/2020 21:22

You are in marriage, decisions has to be made together as you both responsible for that baby.
But you need to understand that if you push it to have a baby it might really end your marriage. Are you ready for that? Also you had unprotected sex, this is the consequence of it. You have to have a proper sit down with your husband and go through all the options, not just your emotions but his too and your financial stability hoe will you cope.. if you will manage with a toddler and a new born.. extra expenses, time management everything.. I understand you how you feel.. i had two babies in one year.. honestly i do not regret my son i just regret he came so early.. its really hard work one baby is easy to look after teo babies way more harder especially if you have no support.. single mom here 🙋‍♀️ Think it through and talk to your husband again.. i hope you will find the best solution for your family ❤️

GreenTulips · 10/01/2020 21:23

but not how I want him to feel...

If you want to keep it and he forces a termination.... has he considered how that will make you feel?

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