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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I’m pregnant and my partner doesn’t want it

80 replies

Laurajaden · 10/01/2020 20:35

Hiya
I’m a mum to a beautiful 2 year old which was planned and we love very much. I am only 23 however knew I wanted children young
Recently we found out I was pregnant completely unplanned. We both agreed immediately that we didn’t want it. I went to the clinic and had the beginning steps and found out I was 6 weeks pregnant and what my options were. They asked my reasoning and as I tried it explain why I was crying and it felt wrong.
I was unsure for the last few weeks whether I wanted to keep it or not but my partner hasn’t wavered at all. He’s adamant he doesn’t want it. We don’t have the financial stability or the room. He also says he isn’t ready to have another one and it will take a toll on his mental health.
I am obviously upset by this, and it makes my decision harder. I came to a conclusion that even though it’s scary to be having another one right now, i don’t think I could terminate the pregnancy as I couldn’t live with the guilt and resentment.
I told my partner tonight and it’s really brought him down the decision and he’s said he feels like he doesn’t have a choice. Which is true I guess but not how I want him to feel...
I think what I’m asking is.. am I doing the right thing ?
I love my partner and the last thing I would want is this new baby to tear us apart

OP posts:

crystal1717 · 10/01/2020 21:25

Your more likely to split up if you have the termination, as in my experience you'll never forgive him.
You'll be ok with your kids, baby and older DC, either with or without man.
Sending hugs x

NaviSprite · 10/01/2020 21:26

I would also like to add that if you know in your heart of hearts (and head!) that you don't want to terminate, but do so to appease him, you are likely to resent him for demanding you put yourself through the termination and that in itself will cause a rift in your relationship.

I had to have this exact conversation with my DH when I got pregnant with our third baby (first were twins and not yet a year old) and I ultimately told him that whilst I understood his reasons for not wishing to go ahead (financial and space plus the added emotional load of having another baby so close in age to our twins) I couldn't bear the thought of terminating. Sadly fate had other ideas for my second pregnancy but he eventually got his head around the idea that baby three would happen because if he tried to force his position, he would have lost me in the process.

In terms of his concerns, try and have a level headed conversation about how you think it could work, such as, baby 2 having hand me downs from your current DC (if you still have the items from their earlier days), second hand cot/basket, charity shops for whatever you can get. Offer whatever solutions you can to show that you aren't just reacting - but being proactive and please OP do what is right for you. It is your body, your choice

YouJustDoYou · 10/01/2020 21:27

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Purpletigers · 10/01/2020 21:29

He wasn’t using contraception and is surprised you’re pregnant? I’m sorry but aborting a baby for these reasons will mess with your mental health esp if you want the baby but don’t have it . He doesn’t have a choice here . He should consider the snip .

Summercamping · 10/01/2020 21:31

If you decide to keep the baby, I'd be trying to put plans in place in advance of the birth about how to help your husband maintain his mental health, whether this is cutting back on spending where possible, enlisting family to babysit if that's an option, and whatever supports you can think of. The first two years are the hardest in my experience, then things ease up a bit

If you decide to terminate, consider whether your relationship will survive under the weight of the possible resentment you may feel.

QueenOfTheFae · 10/01/2020 21:37

there is no easy answer, if you terminate, you will resent him, if you don't terminate he will resent you

you are going to have to work together very hard to get through this. good luck

cakeandchampagne · 10/01/2020 21:38

Your body, your choice.

And it sounds like you really want to continue the pregnancy.
Even if you have an abortion just to please him, that doesn’t mean you will still have him and the house later.

WarrenNicole · 10/01/2020 21:42

I had a termination about 10 years ago and I don’t regret it. It was the correct decision for me at the time.

However, I am now mum to a 2 year old and pregnant with my second child. Could I terminate now. No way. I think it is much more difficult when you already have children. Although, I do appreciate some people feel as though they don’t have a choice.

The experience can be traumatic and so I would say to you that unless the termination is something that YOU want, then it is not something that you should put yourself through. If your partner doesn’t come round, then is he really the kind of partner that you want?

BorneoBabe · 10/01/2020 21:53

Having an abortion is entirely down to the woman. It's your body. It's your choice. End of. He can offer his opinion, but the choice is yours. Married or not. If he doesn't respect your choice or makes ultimatums or threats, or sulks and uses your choice as a weapon, then the relationship was already doomed.

Best wishes.

Overthinker1988 · 10/01/2020 21:58

Don't have an abortion if you don't want to just to appease him. Men are replaceable. If he leaves you over this then it shows he's selfish and doesn't value your well-being. If he's so against another baby then he should've used a condom.

PurpleFlower1983 · 10/01/2020 22:01

You will never forgive him if you terminate. You clearly want this baby and so you should absolutely have it.

Sparkle2020 · 10/01/2020 22:05

Trust me you will carry the weight of a termination for years if you do it for someone else. I had one because my boyfriend at the time wanted it and it still breaks my heart years later. If you want it, go for it. If you’re unsure or don’t want the termination, really don’t do it.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 10/01/2020 22:10

It sounds like you are in quite a precarious position as regards finances and housing op.

You are calling him partner so assume you aren't married and are in the.process of buying the house you are renting from his grandfather, using his money as a deposit and getting the mortgage based mainly on his salary. If you split up do you lose your home?

kingkuta · 10/01/2020 22:12

If he felt that strongly about not having a baby why wasnt he using protection? He is an absolute disgrace to have unprotected sex with you for months and then try and force you to have an abortion.

hammeringinmyhead · 10/01/2020 22:13

If it helps, your first child will probably qualify for 30 hours funded nursery by the time you finish your second mat leave. 3 years is quite a sensible age gap.

Original poster

Laurajaden · 10/01/2020 22:17

His salary is the main salary as he earns more. I would move out home as I wouldn’t be able to afford the mortgage alone. My partner has always said he would have to sell anyway if we ever broke up. Our mortgage agreement states he will get his full deposit back first before the house is split 50/50 anyway

OP posts:

BarbedBloom · 10/01/2020 22:19

It is totally your choice. Don't do something you will regret long term. However, in your situation I would seriously be thinking about what you will do if you split up. Mersher orders aren't that common anymore, would you be able to house yourself given he would likely get any equity if he protects his deposit, as he should. Whatever you decide in would be careful on relying on him too much if you aren't married. Always best to have some money set aside just in case

Original poster

Laurajaden · 10/01/2020 22:19

I did see that! Which makes all the better. As it would save child care cost and one of the reasons I believe it is a bit more financially okay

OP posts:

xmasbiccies · 10/01/2020 22:21

Having the baby might push your relationship to breaking point but not having it might do the same...if you are filled with hurt and resentment.

I think you should keep the baby. If your relationship can’t weather the storm then it might not last in the long run anyway...whereas your love for your baby will last forever.

cheesewitheverything · 10/01/2020 22:43

It's your decision, your body and your emotions - don't let him persuade you or push you into anything you don't want to do. Like many posts, your original one actually answers the question itself I think.

MyideaMy1dea529 · 11/01/2020 12:00

He should have used contraception if he didn't want anymore children
He is equally responsible !

Liverbird77 · 11/01/2020 12:05

I am pregnant with dc2. If I had to choose between the baby or my husband, I'd choose the baby. I love dh to bits but that's the way it is

Brocollistalk · 11/01/2020 12:12

If you decide to keep the baby, I'd be trying to put plans in place in advance of the birth about how to help your husband maintain his mental health

Definitely this. I have been in this situation roles reversed. I didn’t want a third child he did and said he wouldn’t forgive me otherwise. I felt like I had to carry on with it and as much as I love my baby, I am left with crippling depression and i have contemplated suicide numerous times. It has caused irreparable damage to our relationship and isn’t as straight forward as he will get used to it.

Definitely do not allow someone to push you into a decision that you do not want to make.

Bizawit · 11/01/2020 13:54

@Brocollistalk I’m so sorry you had to go through that - how awful. But the OP’s DP’s situation (if she does have the baby) would be in no way comparable to yours.

Genevieva · 11/01/2020 14:08

You don't want a termination, so don't have one, but make sure you have really secure contraception going forwards. Talk to your partner about the options. Given that he is the one most against fathering more children, I would recommend a vasectomy. If he is unsure, because he might want more kids in the future, then he has no business telling you to go through a termination now. He has no business telling to do that anyway, but it reinforces the fact that he needs to take responsibility for his children (both born and unborn) and for his fertility.

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