Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I’m pregnant and my partner doesn’t want it

80 replies

Laurajaden · 10/01/2020 20:35

Hiya
I’m a mum to a beautiful 2 year old which was planned and we love very much. I am only 23 however knew I wanted children young
Recently we found out I was pregnant completely unplanned. We both agreed immediately that we didn’t want it. I went to the clinic and had the beginning steps and found out I was 6 weeks pregnant and what my options were. They asked my reasoning and as I tried it explain why I was crying and it felt wrong.
I was unsure for the last few weeks whether I wanted to keep it or not but my partner hasn’t wavered at all. He’s adamant he doesn’t want it. We don’t have the financial stability or the room. He also says he isn’t ready to have another one and it will take a toll on his mental health.
I am obviously upset by this, and it makes my decision harder. I came to a conclusion that even though it’s scary to be having another one right now, i don’t think I could terminate the pregnancy as I couldn’t live with the guilt and resentment.
I told my partner tonight and it’s really brought him down the decision and he’s said he feels like he doesn’t have a choice. Which is true I guess but not how I want him to feel...
I think what I’m asking is.. am I doing the right thing ?
I love my partner and the last thing I would want is this new baby to tear us apart

OP posts:
WhenISnappedAndFarted · 11/01/2020 14:44

@Genevieva considering how young they are - would a doctor even consider a vasectomy? Far too young for that imo.

Don't be forced into a termination you'll regret OP. Just be prepared that he may not stick around but if you go through something you don't want to do then you'll resent him anyway.

It's a tough situation but you have to do what you want to do and nobody else.

WiciousLittleFerret · 11/01/2020 14:55

That's the riskiest method there is...why on earth didn't you use condoms? Your body your choice...but your relationship might not survive and then you will be a LP with 2 dcs.

Rioux94 · 11/01/2020 15:07

Funny how they're happy to have barrier-free sex but are too fucking immature to accept SPERM=BABIES. Fucking selfish prick

This with bells on.

Contraception works both ways, doesn't he realise that? If he's so against having another baby the sensible thing to do would have been to wear protection himself.

OP do not terminate just because he doesn't want the baby, only do it if It is right for you

FWIW, my OH didn't want our second DC and I half heartedly made an appointment to terminate then backed out almost immediately. He came around eventually and he loves our DD very much.

SanAntonio · 11/01/2020 15:13
  1. Stop the house purchase. It is confusing the decision making process.
  1. Talk to each other- through a 3rd party if you need to.
iolaus · 11/01/2020 15:17

My youngest was a surprise baby 7 years after we thought our family was complete

DH was keen on termination because he was thinking logically (money, size of house, car etc) and to him pregnancy didn't mean baby at that stage
I did consider it, even went to the first appointment, then came away after booking the appointment to the realisation that I couldn't do it - I was thinking emotionally - as rationally all of his arguments did make sense.

When I told him I was worried it would be the end of the relationship (and impact on older kids) but I realised that while if I had to I could live without him - I couldn't live with myself if I did have the abortion - and I suspect had I had an abortion that I didn't want then I wouldn't forgive him and the relationship would have ended anyway.

Once I'd made the decision his mind set did change and he started seeing the pregnancy as a baby (to the extent that once the decision was made he deliberately went out and brought stuff and told people.

He's now 9 and he's probably the one DH is closest too (he has since had a vasectomy so definately no more)

Tyersal · 11/01/2020 15:31

Dont force your poor OH to have a baby he didn't want. An abortion comes with emotions but its nothing to feel guilty about. Having a baby that your OH didn't want will come with guilt even more so if he continues not to want it during pregnancy and when its born, it will put a strain on your relationship

Rioux94 · 11/01/2020 15:40

But the OP should be forced into having a termination that she didn't want, when she is the person having to go through with it.

Fuck that.

He could have worn protection.

MelroseHigginbottom · 11/01/2020 15:43

Time to ditch the partner OP

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 11/01/2020 15:56

He has to take some responsibility for having sex which could result in a baby. I think for some men the risks are not as high as termination is an easy option for them, I guess they can distance themselves from it.

Ultimately if you do not want to do it then you would massively resent him. He is leaving it to you and guilt tripping you which is not what a partnership should be. He says he’s having a choice taken away but ultimately he will only be happy if your choice is taken away. It’s your body do what you want.

You may risk losing him, but if this happens he wasn’t worth keeping.

Mushypeasandchipstogo · 11/01/2020 16:59

Your body your choice. I hate to state the obvious but you will be left financially vulnerable whatever you choose if you are not married.

MummytoCSJH · 11/01/2020 17:18

@rioux94 Op didn't originally want a baby either though? Yeah he should have used protection, but so should she to avoid having to choose between an unborn child and her partner.

As for if she keeps it and he leaves he isn't worth it anyway... She knew he didnt want more children and therefore presumably knew if she was pregnant that he would prefer this.

There are a lot of people saying my DH came around but I wouldn't hang hope on this OP. Usually those people are on the fence to begin with and actually have the money or space for another rather than being clear from the start that they dont want any more and actually not having the money and space.

It's your choice of course OP but people are definitely going way too far here saying he'll just have to deal with it. In a normal adult relationship with other children you don't just get to do what you want without considering others, sorry. I'm not sure having a termination of a clump of cells ('hes not thinking of it like a baby', well, it's not one) is worth losing your family and home over. Custody and financial issues forever just because you might be a bit sad. And yes, I've had a termination, before anyone says I dont know what it's like. I wasn't sure at the time but I certainly don't regret it now as it would have made a world of difference in my life and I'd really have struggled, whether I got to cuddle another baby or not!

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 11/01/2020 17:23

I think op really needs to think what this is going to mean - she says that she will leave the family home so where will she and 2 children live? Can she afford to do that? Will she manage with 2 children on her own?

Yes, the dp should have used contraception if he didn't want another child but, TBF, so should the op knowing that they can't afford another child.

Brocollistalk · 11/01/2020 17:29

bizawit thank you Smile I didn’t mean to compare our situations just offer a different view. I know a lot of people will come and say DP will come round, he’ll get over it, he’ll be fine once baby is here etc and I’m sure that’s true for lots of people but it’s not always the case.

I was just echoing the poster who said make a plan to support DPs mental health, as I know first hand the devastating consequences it can have when you have to parent a child you didn’t want. I feel like the worlds worst parent writing that down Sad

Josette77 · 11/01/2020 17:33

I think if you want the baby, keep the baby. Figure out where you will live and how to support your two kids though. You both should have been using birth control. As you are not married, you need to figure out your own finances.

Missarad · 11/01/2020 17:45

In my mind it's none of his business. Men come and go kids dont. I once got accidentally got pregnant aged 23 had a 3 year old however we practiced 'safe method' I didnt want it he did however it was my choice and thankfully I miscarried as I was never having that baby as I wasnt financially stable as just qualified as a nurse and saving for a house. Had 2nd child year later when I'd bought house and was ready. But always your choice. Xx

Rioux94 · 11/01/2020 17:52

Married or not he still has a legal obligation to support the child(ren)

Ultimately OP you need to figure out what is best for you as you're the one who has to go through with either having another baby or ending the pregnancy. It's very different for men and he will "get over" a termination alot quicker than you will - if you have one you didn't want or later regret.

Some men's blase attitude to terminations annoy me, they seem to think it's a quick fix and a walk in the park. Nobody should terminate a pregnancy because of how a man feels, only if it's what they themselves want.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 11/01/2020 17:55

Married or not he still has a legal obligation to support the child(ren)

That's not entirely true though is it? He has an obligation to pay CMS which could be woefully little if he pays the minimum amount required.

How will op feed, clothe, house and pay the bills for herself and the children?

Fishfingersandwichplease · 11/01/2020 18:42

Nobody can make this decision for you but fast forward 50 years, what will you regret more, terminating or having the baby? Does he never want more or just not now? I would say have them close together personally but hard to advise xx

bathsh3ba · 11/01/2020 18:54

If you have an abortion you regret, that will harm your relationship. If you have a baby he doesn't want, he may leave. I think at this stage there are no options that don't have a risk of heartbreak. I'm divorced now and my second DD was unplanned. My ex DH never asked me to abort but he was not happy about it. He never really bonded with second DD but that's not why the marriage ended. Personally I can't imagine a situation in which I would abort. I understand why some women do but I do think you should be sure before you do it and you aren't

Tyersal · 11/01/2020 18:57

@missarad of course its his business if she keeps it and he doesn't want it its likely to cause problems in their relationship, potentially end it, its going to cause financial problems either way from the sound of it and if they do split and the kids are of different sex unless he decides never to have them both stay over then the poor guy is going to have to provide the bedrooms for the next 16 years, so yes it very much is his business

1WayOrAnother · 11/01/2020 18:57

If you keep the baby then sure, life will be difficult when it's the task heavy baby stage. But that will pass, and your children will have each other. IME that makes the later childhood phase much easier. I really can't see how once the baby is here you will regret having him/her. My ex asked me if I wanted to keep my second, who was a surprise. I have always been truly grateful I've got him. I'm sure my marriage would have ended pretty quickly if I'd have had a termination because he wanted me to (it ended anyway but that's because he's a narcissistic bully not because we had a second child). As other posters on here have said my second child has a close relationship with his dad. And my daughter loves him immeasurably. Her life would've been very different without her brother. Good luck OP, don't rush into a termination unless you're absolutely sure it's what you want.

OrchidJewel · 11/01/2020 19:13

Have you considered crisis counselling together? Highly recommend to get it all out in the open

Weirdwonders · 11/01/2020 19:29

While it’s not an ideal situation it’s not right to force someone to have a child they don’t want. This is a lifelong commitment and you need to consider your partner. You’ve said yourself you don’t have the financial stability, the room and that it would take a toll on your partner’s mental health.

PepePig · 11/01/2020 19:35

If you want the baby, keep the baby.
He might leave, he might not. But if he does leave, you will get over him. It will be a lot harder to get over an abortion you never wanted.

Go with your gut and your heart.

pooopypants · 11/01/2020 20:12

I absolutely subscribe to the expression "if he didn't want more children, he should have used protection", and I agree with it. But this scenario is a shitshow.

In this case though, you're both at fault. Why on EARTH would you use this as a method of BC??? You were having unprotected sex and it's using a notoriously unreliable method of BC.

I'd suggest some sort of counselling but it sounds to me like you'll either regret the abortion or lose your DH. Or both. Although I believe that it's your choice, he isn't the only one accountable here and it seems like the lion's share of the financial burden will fall to him.

Swipe left for the next trending thread