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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I’m pregnant and my partner doesn’t want it

80 replies

Laurajaden · 10/01/2020 20:35

Hiya
I’m a mum to a beautiful 2 year old which was planned and we love very much. I am only 23 however knew I wanted children young
Recently we found out I was pregnant completely unplanned. We both agreed immediately that we didn’t want it. I went to the clinic and had the beginning steps and found out I was 6 weeks pregnant and what my options were. They asked my reasoning and as I tried it explain why I was crying and it felt wrong.
I was unsure for the last few weeks whether I wanted to keep it or not but my partner hasn’t wavered at all. He’s adamant he doesn’t want it. We don’t have the financial stability or the room. He also says he isn’t ready to have another one and it will take a toll on his mental health.
I am obviously upset by this, and it makes my decision harder. I came to a conclusion that even though it’s scary to be having another one right now, i don’t think I could terminate the pregnancy as I couldn’t live with the guilt and resentment.
I told my partner tonight and it’s really brought him down the decision and he’s said he feels like he doesn’t have a choice. Which is true I guess but not how I want him to feel...
I think what I’m asking is.. am I doing the right thing ?
I love my partner and the last thing I would want is this new baby to tear us apart

OP posts:
Everydayishistorytomorrow · 11/01/2020 20:32

You planned your first child based on an agreement between you both.

You now have a taste of what parenthood involves.

Although you knew 'you' wanted children young, did your partner share these wishes?

If you both agreed initially you didn't want this pregnancy you both should have made more of an effort to make sure it didn't happen. Now it is going to be a difficult decision either way. You have changed your mind (he hasn't) and with each passing day, you will bond more with the pregnancy and terminating more difficult.

You say you don't have the financial stability.... are you married, do you have joint finances or are they still kept separate? How long have you been together and were you financially secure when you met him or does your partner take on most of the financial burden of daily living. Understandably if this is the case you must understand why he says it will take a toll on his mental health. Can he cope, is he really as secure as you think he is, do you have debts, does he have any debts you may not know about.... so many things he could be dealing with without your knowledge. Maybe having another baby right now could push him over the edge. How secure is his job, any problems at work etc etc

If you continue the pregnancy you will have time off work, your income will go down, your expenses will go up. Can he absorb that and you still stay afloat not just living hand to mouth. He may resent you for forcing him to accept another addition. If you don't continue you may resent him and suffer guilt for a long time. Either way it could tear you apart. It depends just how strong your relationship is and what your support network is like.

You're right, partner doesn’t have a choice. He does have a choice based on your decision.

No one can tell you what the right thing is. But whatever your decision, it will be your life to live with the decision. A new baby could tear you apart, it depends on so many factors but equally it could bring you together if your relationship is strong enough.

It's a big decision either way.

On a personal note... I was that baby under similar circumstances but it was the other way round. Dad wanted another baby Mum didn't. I did not have a good childhood. I was fed, clothed and had a roof over my head but not loved. She resented me and constantly reminded how I ruined her life, my whole life (until I left home as soon as I could).Sad

OrchidJewel · 11/01/2020 20:50

That's really sad Everyday. I was reverse from OP too, 4th child, useless lazy DH (which was why I felt I couldn't cope) but the crisis counselling which I suggested at the time helped, I agreed to keep. I had no emotion throughout the pregnancy but did instantly love him. I couldn't imagine being like that everyday. Although the DH oftens makes snide digs about 'you nearly weren't here son'. I ignore and quietly want to murder him in his sleep. He is still a useless, lazy bastard but I love all my kids

Brocollistalk · 11/01/2020 22:02

Oh everyday that’s horrible Flowers. I am in the same situation as I explained a few pages ago. Even though I did not want a third child and my partner did and I would never resent my daughter or treat her any differently to my others. I may be at some points suicidal but I’m determined to make sure she never feels as you did Sad

picklemepopcorn · 11/01/2020 22:16

Are you married? It's worth checking your legal position. You are earning less because you are raising the child he wanted, allowing him to work.

Laurajaden · 11/01/2020 22:47

We aren’t married no.
He said he would like more kids just not now. I want to do counselling however he works full time in the week and won’t take time of work. He would come if I had the abortion obviously but I’m scared.
Thank you for everyone’s views. I think I need to sit and talk to my partner properly. He’s hard to have serious conversations with but this time I will need to persevere.
He does come first in my eyes over our unborn child but I also worry if feel guilty and regret the decision later on. I’m just not sure. I’m getting close to cut off as well. I’m so stupid for waiting so long.
Thank you again

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