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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell my friend...

92 replies

decisionsdecisions2 · 10/01/2020 20:21

Close group of friends comprised of a range of different characters including one who is a bit objectionable - argumentative, self centred, not self aware in the slightest....but we all sort of rub along.

Within the group I am closest with another member who is struggling to conceive, really struggling - her mental health is taking a turn for the worse at all the disappointment and let downs. I have been really supporting her as have experienced similar and would count her as my "best" friend.

Objectionable friend today tells me she is 4/5 weeks pregnant. Isn't telling anyone else yet.
I just know she is going to be, at best, extremely untactful in the way she tells our friend struggling to conceive and, at worst, a complete gloating bitch.

AIBU to think that I should give my best friend the head's up about the news?

OP posts:

Dinomom52 · 10/01/2020 20:49

I probably would.

Be ready for objectionable friend to be annoyed about it though if she finds out.

BlueEyedGreeness · 10/01/2020 20:54

Yes absolutely tell her! Your a good friend

Yarboosucks · 10/01/2020 20:58

You need to tell her a) because the news will be better coming from you and b) because if you don't and she finds out you knew, then she will be hurt. I would also tell the less tactful friend that she will need to be mindful of the other friend (probably adding in the line that you know she will be really good ay being sensitive around the other friend because she is sooooo empathetic!)

thejollyroger · 10/01/2020 20:59

I don’t think you should tell her. Your friend (and you say she’s a friend even if you don’t really like her) isn’t telling people yet. It’s not your news to share.

Original poster

decisionsdecisions2 · 10/01/2020 21:04

My gut feeling is to tell her. But then I know it's not my news to share and, as a poster said, I know my pregnant friend would be (rightfully) upset if she found out I had done it. Feel very torn but my loyalty should be to my closer friend, right?

Just to make matters worse - pregnant friend isn't in a great place to be pregnant, and is going to have a hard pregnancy, and struggles to receive any advice or take on board any form of criticism. I've heard her talking about nieces and nephews and god help her child...I feel sorry for it already. Struggling to conceive friend will be a BRILLIANT mum, house prepared, fab relationship, financially stable...life just isn't fair!

OP posts:

Original poster

decisionsdecisions2 · 10/01/2020 21:06

@Yarboosucks - you must know the person I'm speaking about?! That is literally the only way you can deal with her!

OP posts:

thejollyroger · 10/01/2020 21:07

OP, I really think you need to take a step back here. She’s a couple of weeks pregnant. Does she really need you posting on social media judging her fitness to parent a child who could currently fit on the head of a pin? No. Just be supportive, if she’s your friend.

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 10/01/2020 21:08

Tell her, then at least she can be prepared and avoid the other person.

OneMoreRound · 10/01/2020 21:09

Yes, IF your struggling friend also sees the other friend in the same way as you do. If you think she's objectionable and argumentative, but your struggling friend doesn't, and think she's lovely, then it could come across as shit-stirrjng and breaking confidence. But, if you both mutually see her as that type of person, a heads up would be wise do she can mentally prepare herself for the gloating.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 10/01/2020 21:13

I'm really split with this one.

She is really early on in the pregnancy, anything could happen and it's not your news to share.

However, I can see why it would be a good idea to tactfully tell the other friend.

I'm really not sure what I'd do in your situation

Original poster

decisionsdecisions2 · 10/01/2020 21:15

@thejollyroger Yes, you're right. To be honest, she's a "friend" in a very loose sense of the word. It's one of those situations where she has just been part of the group for so long that we all just smile and nod at her shittiness, and she doesn't actually have any other friends left as she's alienated them.

@OneMoreRound Good point - we both have the same view of the pregnant group member so I don't think that will be an issue.

OP posts:

MoneyM · 10/01/2020 21:16

@WhenISnappedAndFarted It's a hard one isn't it?! The good thing is that objectionable pregnant friend will hopefully be sensible enough to keep her mouth shut until at least she is slightly further on date wise...which buys me a bit of time to decide.

thejollyroger · 10/01/2020 21:16

To be honest, she's a "friend" in a very loose sense of the word. It's one of those situations where she has just been part of the group for so long that we all just smile and nod at her shittiness, and she doesn't actually have any other friends left as she's alienated them.

Right... but she thinks she’s your friend, and has confided in you, something she doesn’t want you to tell other people. To me, this isn’t difficult - you don’t tell anyone. Only decent thing to do.

thejollyroger · 10/01/2020 21:17

Name change fail

Original poster

decisionsdecisions2 · 10/01/2020 21:19

@thejollyroger I'm probably being totally sceptical but I'm sure she has an ulterior motive for telling me first - I don't think she was "confiding" in me. It's a bit personal and outing to put on here but she will have definitely felt a sense of "one upmanship" when telling me. I just don't think she could help herself.

OP posts:

Zogtastic · 10/01/2020 21:19

I would tell personally....but keep any opinion about how she’ll be rubbish as a parent firmly to yourself!

PurpleDaisies · 10/01/2020 21:19

Give your friend a heads up, preferably by text message.

thejollyroger · 10/01/2020 21:20

decisionsdecisions2

Look, you clearly hate her. Just own it. And tell your friend if you want to, which you clearly do.

TheReef · 10/01/2020 21:21

Give your friend the heads up, might also be worth telling her to keep it to herself too as you're telling her it in confidence

donttellmetwice · 10/01/2020 21:21

How would you feel if objectionable told bestie about pregnancy and then added that you already knew?
I think you should tell bestie and explain why your telling her but to keep it to herself. I think she will thank you for it.

MoneyM · 10/01/2020 21:23

@donttellmetwice that's such a good point, that hasn't crossed my mind. I would feel like I had betrayed my good friend.

@PurpleDaisies Why text message?

Halloweenbabyy · 10/01/2020 21:23

I’d be furious if you told people I was pregnant without my knowledge - is this friend of yours aware your going to tell others?

Maybe speak to the pregnant lady first about your worries about your friends that’s tcc, how she’s going to react with her mental state.

Don’t dismiss the fact that your pregnant friend is going to have lots of new thoughts, feelings, emotions.

I kind of resent the comment about how you feel sorry for her child because of how she is with other children, I personally as a rule find children annoying and have said plenty of shitty things about my nieces/nephews - Does this mean I’m going to bad a mother 😐 I think saying life is just unfair is a very unfair thing to say, within reason everyone deserves a chance at been a parent, just because the friend who’s struggling with conceiving has a house, relationship, job doesn’t automatically mean she deserves to be a mother and the other lady doesn’t

PurpleDaisies · 10/01/2020 21:24

It’s often hard for people struggling with infertility to hear pregnancy announcements. Usually it’s easier if you’re on your own.

OneMoreRound · 10/01/2020 21:27

she will have definitely felt a sense of "one upmanship" when telling me

From this, I get the impression your objectionable friend is envious of your struggling friend in terms of her 'better' life, as well as your closer friendship with her, so her getting pregnant, the one thing struggling friend can't have, is how she gets her oneupmanship. She wants you to tell struggling friend.

I hate to say it, but could she possibly be making up the pregnancy? I had a sort-of friend who did this on a couple of occasions. And then came the inevitable 'miscarriage' drama

thejollyroger · 10/01/2020 21:29

hate to say it, but could she possibly be making up the pregnancy?

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