To tell my friend...

[decisionsdecisions2]

Close group of friends comprised of a range of different characters including one who is a bit objectionable - argumentative, self centred, not self aware in the slightest....but we all sort of rub along.

Within the group I am closest with another member who is struggling to conceive, really struggling - her mental health is taking a turn for the worse at all the disappointment and let downs. I have been really supporting her as have experienced similar and would count her as my "best" friend.

Objectionable friend today tells me she is 4/5 weeks pregnant. Isn't telling anyone else yet.
I just know she is going to be, at best, extremely untactful in the way she tells our friend struggling to conceive and, at worst, a complete gloating bitch.

AIBU to think that I should give my best friend the head's up about the news?

@thejollyroger just noticed the two names - keeps logging me out the app. Nevermind, nothing of any consequence on either username anyway!

@Halloweenbabyy When pregnant friend told me she was pregnant I did bring up that it may upset our other friend. Her reply was "oh well, she can't just avoid all pregnant people". Which I suppose is true, but indicative of how little she cares about the feelings of others.

I didn't mean to come across as quite so dismissive of her potential parenting skills but I suppose she's just not maybe as ready for a child as our other friend. Emotionally, physically and practically.

@OneMoreRound I had secretly been thinking this. It's not out with the realms of possibility based on her form for drama, and her current health means she was probably very unlikely to conceive. I also feel she may have told me, and me only, so that she can do the miscarriage drama, and I will support her etc etc but she keeps it limited to just me, instead of dragging in friend who is struggling to conceive - maybe she has a slight conscience?

Honestly, with friends like you, who needs enemies? Can you hear yourself? You don’t like this woman. You are not her friend. You are saying horrible things about her behind her back. This is awful behaviour.

I’ve been trying for ages and have a cousin who fell pregnant by accident. I am really grateful her sister told me quietly - I acted surprised when my cousin announced it to me. She warned me because my pregnant cousin is very insensitive and when she told me she was going on about it being an accident and how she was going to “get rid” but decided she would give it a go.
If I hadn’t been warned I wouldn’t have been able to speak to her reasonably, or been able to appear happy for her.

@thejollyroger No, I don't particularly like her, and we aren't particularly close within the group which is why I suspect her ulterior motives in telling me.

Update: Interestingly, one of the other people in the group (there are about 8 of us) has just phoned me to say pregnant person has told her she's pregnant! She was phoning to ask my advice about giving struggling to conceive friend the heads up...I had to admit she had told me also and was thinking about it - pregnant friend looks to have said to both of us "you're the only one I'm telling for now".

I'm feeling there is perhaps more to this.

Personally i don't think you should tell your 'bestie.' If anything speak to other 'friend' and ask her to be sensitive with her when she tells her. Tbh though, however bestie hears the news it will be painful, not much you can do about that.

Also; I totally agree with what a PP said, "within reason everyone deserves a chance at been a parent, just because the friend who’s struggling with conceiving has a house, relationship, job doesn’t automatically mean she deserves to be a mother and the other lady doesn’t "
That sounds like you think because someone has a better life, they deserve an even better life. Not very nice of you really.

What a shame, to have “friends” who are actually snakes.

Your infertile friend will hate that people are discussing her behind her back.

I hope she’s not on here.

Ah @minielise that's so tough. Thanks for sharing. I just know pregnant friend will put her foot in it like that also. People can be SO insensitive.

@PurpleDaisies She's not on here...she finds it too hard, understandably. I thought this would be a safe space to get some balanced opinions on what to do - it's been really helpful.

She's not on here...she finds it too hard, understandably.

Lots of us barrens find it a good place to find support. I wouldn’t be so sure.

I would tell her but make sure she's discreet. I remember struggling to get pregnant. Took 4 years and we hosted a Christmas do for families but one couple got everyone quiet and made big announcement at our party. I was fairly chilled on the whole but was surprised they did that. Did end up conceiving few months later but it was hard at the time.

But if her ('bad friend') current health means its hard for her to conceive, maybe she goes through similar feelings to 'bestie' when she hears others are pregnant?
I'm not sure what to think about this. Surely the hurt is largely in not being pregnant, not the way a friend tells you they're pregnant?
I think you're being mean.

I'm not sure what to think about this. Surely the hurt is largely in not being pregnant, not the way a friend tells you they're pregnant?

Yes, but there are bad ways and very bad ways to find out. Sobbing in front of your friend at good news is awful.

Not your secret - I understand you want to say something but shouldn’t - they both trust you - you will break that trust with both even if the reason is well Meant - be supportive but things will unfold and just be there. You could speak to your mate about life and it’s inevitable that others will be pregnant at some point etc but dont break the confidence

It does sound as if the pregnant friend is capable of gloating and being insensitive. The kind thing to do is tell your best friend, quietly, possibly by text and let her come to terms with the news and decide whether she wants to avoid any gatherings where the pregnant one is.

When you're infertile it is about self preservation I'm afraid.

@Charley50 Sorry, I don't want to be too specific but her "problem" isn't really a problem, per se, more of a limitation meaning that, when she wanted a baby, she would need to change a few (relatively straightforward) aspects of her life - by making these changes she would not only be much more likely to conceive, she would also be more likely to have a successful pregnancy. As far as I'm aware, she hasn't made these changes - putting her own health, and the health of her baby at risk. But that's another subject matter entirely!

@converseandjeans I think discretion is the name of the game. Pregnant friend is terrible at it! I'm just hoping I can do better and save some feelings...

@Leighhalfpennysthigh Exactly. Self preservation - I've been there myself. I've also been the one having to tell her tactically and with love when I conceived and managed to do it without huge upset and she's now a huge part of my child's life. It can be done, I just don't think pregnant friend is capable of it!

I soppose it depends upon when your friend depends on announcing the news? Why has she told you before the others in your group?
However, it must be so difficult to be happy for a friend who's pregnant when you are struggling to concieve.
Personally, I would tell my best friend if I were you, she comes before anything and I would be hurt if I I found out she hid something like this from me.
If you were in this situation would you want to know?

How do you think your infertile friend would feel about you and your other friend talking about her on the phone?

@robin04031402 I think she told me because she wanted to tell someone and, within the sort of group politics, I would be the obvious choice. Sceptical me is also suspecting an ulterior personal motive but it's a bit outing. You're right though, although pregnant friend has shared her "secret" (which now it turns out isn't so much of a secret) I do feel like I have more loyalty to my best friend, and need to tell her.

@PurpleDaisies To be fair, I didn't ask her to tell me. She told me, and I asked when she planned to tell the rest of the group and delicately mentioned infertile friend within that context - to receive a really dismissive reply.

I just know she is going to be, at best, extremely untactful in the way she tells our friend struggling to conceive and, at worst, a complete gloating bitch.

^The pregnant friend sounds horrible. I would question why she told you at 4 weeks pregnant if you two are not close at all.

@misspiggy19 Out of the group, if she had to tell someone, for various reasons I would be the obvious choice...or I was probably the first/only one to pick up the phone to her. She's also a bit of a "one upper" and knew she could potentially hit a nerve of mine (although, not as hard a nerve as infertile friend), by telling me. I could be wrong on that second point though!

I would give her the heads up and as long as it's public knowledge that your friend is TTC I'd specifically tell tactless friend to be careful about how she discusses the pregnancy.

Do either of you like her? Doesn't sound like it! The woman is only 4-5 weeks pregnant, it's really not your news to share is it.

@TitianaTitsling That's the other thing - it's such early days, and she isn't in the best place health wise to be pregnant so, if something terrible should happen, I don't want to have jumped the gun and have betrayed her trust, and upset my friend needlessly.

Bloody hell l missed this earlier god help her child...I feel sorry for it already. Struggling to conceive friend will be a BRILLIANT mum, house prepared, fab relationship, financially stable...life just isn't fair!
Please just tell this woman you don't like her and let her be, what with this and you and other friend bitchily talking and your thoughts she's faking it for attention... How the hell can you even loosely call her a friend?!