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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my friend...

92 replies

decisionsdecisions2 · 10/01/2020 20:21

Close group of friends comprised of a range of different characters including one who is a bit objectionable - argumentative, self centred, not self aware in the slightest....but we all sort of rub along.

Within the group I am closest with another member who is struggling to conceive, really struggling - her mental health is taking a turn for the worse at all the disappointment and let downs. I have been really supporting her as have experienced similar and would count her as my "best" friend.

Objectionable friend today tells me she is 4/5 weeks pregnant. Isn't telling anyone else yet.
I just know she is going to be, at best, extremely untactful in the way she tells our friend struggling to conceive and, at worst, a complete gloating bitch.

AIBU to think that I should give my best friend the head's up about the news?

OP posts:
TitianaTitsling · 10/01/2020 22:29

So you're not actually bothered about her I she does lose the baby? Only that your other friend will have been 'unnecessarily upset?'

TitianaTitsling · 10/01/2020 22:30

if she loses

Original poster
decisionsdecisions2 · 10/01/2020 22:30

Thanks for your input everyone. I think my plan will be:

  • Wait and see how it plays out for a few weeks (still early pregnancy, potential doubts about legitimacy of pregnancy claims)
  • If all is still the same in a few weeks, perhaps mention again to pregnant friend to be mindful of TTC friend
  • I have decided that, in a few weeks, I am going to give my friend the heads up. I think I will hint that I suspect that friend may be pregnant and is about to announce soon. This will hopefully dampen the blow somewhat

My only worry is that pregnant friend is quite gloaty and just won't be able to resist telling TTC friend sooner rather than later. I can't help that, I suppose.

OP posts:
Charley50 · 10/01/2020 22:39

Sorry but you are sounding like a complete cunt. Even if the other 'friend' lost her unborn baby, you'd just be relieved for your 'bestie.' Ugh!

LolaDarkdestroyer · 10/01/2020 22:41

Tbh your attitude is awful why are any of you pretending to be this woman's friend if none of you even pick up the phone to her? You only did as you like a bit of gossip. The comment about your "nice" friend having it all and life being unfair was below the belt. And what you say say about "nice" friend not being able to conceive seems as though it's her lifestyle choice that's making it hard? May have read that wrong but it makes you sound even worse if that's the case.

Original poster
decisionsdecisions2 · 10/01/2020 22:41

@Charley50 @TitianaTitsling You are both being a bit abrasive - only on mumsnet could someone be accused of being happy about someone else's miscarriage for merely suggesting that it is a possibility in early pregnancy Confused Jeez.

OP posts:
FullOfJellyBeans · 10/01/2020 22:46

I can't believe people are having a go at OP about this. This possibly pregnant woman sounds like a right cow of course OP doesn't like her. It's not like OP can decide to expel her from her friendship group but she can limit the damage she does to her close friend.

PurpleTrilby · 10/01/2020 22:46

Bollocks to pg 'friend'. She sounds like a complete bitch. Do you like anything about her? Sounds like a complete drain. We all make choices, choose carefully.

Original poster
decisionsdecisions2 · 10/01/2020 22:47

@LolaDarkdestroyer She has drifted in and out of the group over the years due to various arguments with people but she really doesn't have any other friends left and, as I said in the original post, we just sort of rub along with her as we do share a lot of common interests and have shared history etc.

I picked up the phone to her because we do chat occasionally, and that was genuinely the last thing I was expecting her to tell me! I would actually have rather she hadn't told me as it's put me in an awkward position. My update further down explains that, although she has said she had only told me, it transpires she has told at least one other friend too.

OP posts:
Original poster
decisionsdecisions2 · 10/01/2020 22:49

@PurpleTrilby That's exactly it - it's one of the biggest pieces of news a person can share so, ordinarily I would never dream of telling anyone. But circumstances are a bit muddied due to pregnant member of the group's personality, and the fact that my best friend is TTC and having a miserable time.

OP posts:
schafernaker · 10/01/2020 23:17

Both times I found out I was pregnant I really dreaded telling a very close friend who is struggling to conceive. The first time a mutual friend let it slip (which secretly I’m glad he did, it meant she had time to deal with her emotions without me being there). The second time I told her she was brilliant, but I know the minute I walked out of the room she burst into tears 😭. It’s so hard. No one could wish for a better parent and it’s so unfair that she is struggling so much to make it work for her.

So in your situation, yes I’d tell her! And you never know pregnant friend may actually be appreciative of not having to break the news 🤷🏻‍♀️

PurpleDaisies · 10/01/2020 23:20

The second time I told her she was brilliant, but I know the minute I walked out of the room she burst into tears.

If it happens again, please don’t tell her in person. It might seem impersonal but it’s far easier to deal with.

schafernaker · 10/01/2020 23:33

@purpledaisies it’s slightly more difficult now as I need to tell her in a professional capacity. But yes I do think ideally I would employ mutual friend from number 1 to do the talking again. (We are planning number 3 so I know this could potentially be an issue). Thankfully they are finally on the IVF train so I have everything crossed that they will have a baby soon. As I previously said she would be a fabulous mum.

PurpleDaisies · 10/01/2020 23:37

But yes I do think ideally I would employ mutual friend from number 1 to do the talking again.

I don’t think being told by someone else is really any better than being told by the person. If anything it’s worse, because you asked a third party to do it.

Sorry, I didn’t mean to derail the thread.

schafernaker · 10/01/2020 23:40

@purpledaisies but in a world where text messages are often seen as heartless it makes it really difficult 🤷🏻‍♀️ I also think it depends on the third party.

If it were you how would you want to be told, and if via text what would you want the message to actually say!

PurpleDaisies · 10/01/2020 23:44

but in a world where text messages are often seen as heartless it makes it really difficult

It isn’t heartless, it’s what always comes out as the best way to hear that news when you can’t have a baby yourself on all the threads in infertility. Have a look on that board and you’ll find lots of threads discussing this.

If it were you how would you want to be told, and if via text what would you want the message to actually say!

It has been me. Many many times. All the text has to say is that you’re pregnant, due whatever date. Short and factual is fine. No scan picture which you’d think would be obvious.

Squirrelplay · 11/01/2020 00:00

If pregnant "friend" has told two of you already it'll be common knowledge by the end of week. I'd tell your other friend personally.

Squirrelplay · 11/01/2020 00:01

I also agree with text message as the most sensitive way of telling.

Binglebong · 11/01/2020 00:48

Part of me wonders if pg friend is telling everyone so that several people will "warn" nice friend. That way she has the blow multiple times.

I may be being too cynical though.

Broken2020 · 11/01/2020 01:44

@Charley50 That sounds like you think because someone has a better life, they deserve an even better life. Not very nice of you really.

Hmm🙄🤦🏼‍♀️ Now you're just virtue signalling. Give up!

Ilady · 11/01/2020 03:00

I would tell the lady going down the IVF route face to face that the slight friend is a few weeks pregnant and the slight friend told you this.
Your friend may be unhappy to hear this but it's better coming from you rather than her hearing it from someone else. Also it can help her be prepared if the smug friend comes to gloat.

From what you said about the slight friend you don't have much time for her so I would spend less time in her company.

Kwkwjwkek · 11/01/2020 03:18

I wouldn’t say anything

Luckystar777 · 11/01/2020 03:39

Surely your friend is grown up enough to deal with another woman being pregnant? Confused

Luckystar777 · 11/01/2020 03:44

It sounds like this bad friend likes to create trouble? I would probably stay out of it all, tbh. If your TTC friend is unable to handle news like that maybe just support from you or somewhere else would be good but I wouldn't want to have to mention the bad friend really.

CJsGoldfish · 11/01/2020 04:55

Your infertile friend will hate that people are discussing her behind her back

But the pregnant friend would love the way she's being discussed.

Stop calling her a 'friend', or, better yet, don't refer to yourself as a 'friend' OP because you are not.
Can't help but wonder if you are really the source of any upset in the group.

It's not your news to tell, it just isn't. Be there for your actual friend if and when you need to be but don't wrap up your potential actions up as anything other than wanting to hurt or piss off your non friend.

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