To tell my friend...

[decisionsdecisions2]

Close group of friends comprised of a range of different characters including one who is a bit objectionable - argumentative, self centred, not self aware in the slightest....but we all sort of rub along.

Within the group I am closest with another member who is struggling to conceive, really struggling - her mental health is taking a turn for the worse at all the disappointment and let downs. I have been really supporting her as have experienced similar and would count her as my "best" friend.

Objectionable friend today tells me she is 4/5 weeks pregnant. Isn't telling anyone else yet.
I just know she is going to be, at best, extremely untactful in the way she tells our friend struggling to conceive and, at worst, a complete gloating bitch.

AIBU to think that I should give my best friend the head's up about the news?

We have a 'friend' like that in our group - if she ever gets pregnant then I think she'd act exactly like yours! I'd warn the friend who is struggling.

I never understand the people who are snooty about others discussing their friends. Surely that way you end up with several individual friends noticing you're a bit sad with them, but (due to being too noble to have a fucking conversation) not realising you're actually really sad all the time and need help. Then you have a breakdown and they're all 'Gosh, if only I had realised'. Well you would have if you'd expressed your concern to each other and joined the bloody dots!

Sorry, my Dsis gets the hump about anyone talking about her ever and it strikes me as ridiculously fragile. People talk (about me too, doubtless)!

never understand the people who are snooty about others discussing their friends. Surely that way you end up with several individual friends noticing you're a bit sad with them, but (due to being too noble to have a fucking conversation) not realising you're actually really sad all the time and need help. Then you have a breakdown and they're all 'Gosh, if only I had realised'. Well you would have if you'd expressed your concern to each other and joined the bloody dots!

But this woman isn’t concerned for a friend and discussing it with others who might share the concern, she’s bitching to strangers about someone she hates and pretends is a friend.

Surely your friend is grown up enough to deal with another woman being pregnant?

Clearly you’ve never struggled with infertility? Of course she will “deal with it” but there are nicer ways to find out.

I think the op is concerned for her pregnant friend and is, rightly, prioritising her over the 'friend' in discussions with others. Giving an accurate assessment of 'friend' goes with it.

“ My gut feeling is to tell her. But then I know it's not my news to share and, as a poster said, I know my pregnant friend would be (rightfully) upset if she found out I had done it. Feel very torn but my loyalty should be to my closer friend, right?”

I just don’t understand why you are inserting yourself into the equation here. I don’t know why you’re feeling ‘torn’ - it’s not like anyone is expecting you to do or say anything about it at all. If pregnant friend is an arse about being pregnant and other friend takes exception, I don’t see where your role is in the proceedings...it’s between those two friends. Pre-warning your other friend is interfering. Stay out of it.

I think the op is concerned for her pregnant friend and is, rightly, prioritising her over the 'friend' in discussions with others. Giving an accurate assessment of 'friend' goes with it.

She’s being an absolute cow, really. If her assessment of ‘friend’ is as low as she makes out here, she should leave her alone and not encourage her confidences.

I’m not snooty about others discussing friends...but I am a bit put off by those who insist on creating a role for themselves in a scenario that doesn’t require their involvement. Like this one.

If pregnant friend is going to upset other friend it’ll happen whether OP takes on the role of informant or not. I don’t see how OP getting in on the act is going to achieve anything other than create further drama.

If pregnant friend is going to upset other friend it’ll happen whether OP takes on the role of informant or not.

Being tipped off first by text makes a massive different in how she can deal with it.

I also suspect that because you don’t like pregnant friend you are seeing an opportunity to create a rift, allegiances, further drama - all under the guise of being a ‘concerned friend’.
I can’t see any other reason for you to get involved to be honest.

If her assessment of ‘friend’ is as low as she makes out here, she should leave her alone and not encourage her confidences.

Have you never had this sort of person in your life, who insists on telling you stuff you don't particularly want to hear but can't avoid without causing offence? I seem to have had a lot of them mostly I find that if you don't give them the dramatic response and attention they crave, they go elsewhere. Sounds like this woman has run out of targets though and is restricted to a smaller social group (entirely her own doing).

Warn your struggling to conceive friend.

I don't think that you are being bitchy OP. Not at all. You are being a good friend to a person who is your close friend and going through a tough time. People talk as if IVF is the golden route to a successful pregnancy and that anyone going through it is guaranteed a baby at the end. It isn't. Many of us never get that baby.

It is clear that there are many posters on here who have not suffered from infertility and great for them. For those of us who have, when we say tell us by text, give us a heads up it is so we can arrange our faces into a smile when we see a pregnant friend and be happy for her. Trust me, you will never know how difficult it is.

I hope, going forwards, that your friend who's ttc doesn't feel uncomfortable in your group - that so often happens when everyone is having babies, talking about babies, bringing their babies along to meet ups etc. I know I ended up ditching friends as soon as they became pregnant for self preservation and removing myself from a friendship group that had formed at university.

Have you never had this sort of person in your life, who insists on telling you stuff you don't particularly want to hear but can't avoid without causing offence? I seem to have had a lot of them confused mostly I find that if you don't give them the dramatic response and attention they crave, they go elsewhere. Sounds like this woman has run out of targets though and is restricted to a smaller social group (entirely her own doing).

No. I don’t cultivate friendships with people I strongly dislike.

I would be telling the pregnant one that you are going to tell your other friend, who I assume the pregnant one knows is struggling to conceive. I would say I am doing this because it would be better coming from me than you, and because I am not prepared for her to be hurt because you told me and not her and she finds that out when you did tell her. Say you will ask her to not say anything

I would then say please don’t confide anything else with me that you are not prepared to tell the group

Honestly you and your friends sound like a horrible bunch. None of you like her really and sounds like you like a good bitch behind her back and enjoy a bit of drama.
Also you have no idea who is going to be good or bad at parenting. It's so judgemental of you to suggest one friend will be better than another. Being a parent can be the making of some and others can struggle for various reasons.
If your so worried about your friend TTC talk to the other person that's pregnant and remind her to go gently with her the mind your own business.

Also I have struggled with fertility issues and when someone has tiptoed round me about someone being pregnant it's actually pissed me off to presume I wasn't expecting other people to have babies.

roger neither do I; however sometimes they are present in your social circle and so you've got to get along as best you can!