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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

ExH using daughter's room at his house

79 replies

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 10/01/2020 13:44

Daughter is 16, stays at her dad's once or twice a week. Until recently she had her own room at her dad's house but he has recently moved in with his partner. They have converted what was previously a dining room into a bedroom for her and made it nice for her. My issue is that when she's not there, her dad sleeps in her bedroom as his new partner can't stand his snoring. I guess it's fair enough that she shouldn't have exclusive use of a bedroom when she's only there for one or two nights a week, but she went there last night to find he'd left snotty tissues and dirty glasses all over the place and basically left her room in a mess. He's full of 'man flu' and has clearly been using her room to slob around in. He never changes the sheets after he sleeps in her bed and if this isn't disgusting enough in itself his personal hygiene is not great. AIBU in thinking that a 16 year old girl should have her space respected and her room kept the way she left it the last time she stayed? At this rate she's going to stop going to see him as she's so pissed off with him.

OP posts:

Upso · 10/01/2020 13:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty · 10/01/2020 13:46

YANBU. She'll have to speak to him about it.

sauvignonblancplz · 10/01/2020 13:46

YABU & YANBU- the room should be able to be used if your daughter isn’t there ; but it should be clean and welcoming for her when she is.
Has your daughter raised this with her dad?

PastaAllThePasta · 10/01/2020 13:47

I'd expect him to keep it clean and sanitary for her (i.e. not leaving his snotty tissues lying about).

But him using it when she's not there seems fine to me.

My dad would use my room when he was working night so he didn't wake us up and I'd kip with my mum when I was younger ha.

Lilsginpalace · 10/01/2020 13:50

Manky not to have changed the bed linen and cleared rubbish away.

If he's recently moved in with a new partner and he's banished to another bedroom for snoring maybe then maybe he won't be with the partner longterm.

Also at 16 she is going to want to spend weekends working towards exams/ part-time job /spending time with mates, not with Daddy.

katewhinesalot · 10/01/2020 13:51

She needs to spell out that she's ok with him using it but that she needs a clean room and clean sheets or she won't want to visit him. If he's halfway decent he will respect this.

If not,
Can she strip the bed as she leaves and remake it when she comes back the next time, mainly using the same bedding as the week before to make things easier? She could even bring it home with her and wash it when needed. She shouldn't need to do this but it depends on how badly she wants to maintain the relationship.

Original poster

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 10/01/2020 13:51

Yes she raised it with him and he basically told her he'd spent the last 16 years clearing up her mess (he really hasn't - she's not messy and when we were together he didn't lift a finger to tidy anything up!) and so she should clear his mess up after him. Oh and he said he had no energy to do it because of the man flu. Poor lamb.

OP posts:

ColaFreezePop · 10/01/2020 13:52

It is ridiculous for your ex to have a room that isn't used 5 nights out of 7. However he's disgusting not to clean up after himself if he knows that someone else is sleeping in it the next day.

At 16 your daughter needs to request her father doesn't leave the room in a mess if she is going to sleep there. Then you need to support her if after multiple requests she refuses to stay over because of it.

Pumpkinpie1 · 10/01/2020 14:07

His house , ultimately his choice, just like its your daughters choice whether or not to stay there.
I think she needs to speak to him and if 5hat doesn’t work stop staying there for a while. She could always take her own sleeping bag or ask for a change of sheets when she gets there!
After a while it might sink in
I wouldn’t want to sleep in dirty bedclothes either!

Original poster

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 10/01/2020 14:12

To be fair it's not even his house, it's his partner's house and she's threatening to throw him out if he doesn't stop being such a disgusting slob!!

OP posts:

Butchyrestingface · 10/01/2020 14:12

He’s not BU for using the room in her absence. He’s a dick for leaving it in a state and a double dick for the way he justified it.

windycuntryside · 10/01/2020 14:15

Your dd is 16 she can decide to stay at Dad all by herself. The reasons justified.

AcrossthePond55 · 10/01/2020 14:16

I agree that it's fine to use the room. And that leaving it a mess is NOT fine.

But apparently he's now stated his position: he feels that she needs to clean up after him if she wants a clean room. So the ball's in her court now. She can either do it or she can refuse to stay over. Her decision.

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 10/01/2020 14:21

Tbh I would simply remind her that at 16 it's entirely up to her whether she visits him or not. Or that she could request to see him outside of the house and not to sleep over if she can't have a sanitary room.

And the PP who said about studying etc, exams are in a few months...best get into good study habits now.

madcatladyforever · 10/01/2020 14:23

Quite honestly if one of my male relatives said that to me I'd refuse to go there.
Does he honestly expect the women in his life to clear up after him? What a pig.
He'll be homeless soon then. Yet another bloke to whom women are glorified servants.

Original poster

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 10/01/2020 14:27

There's a reason I divorced him @madcatladyforever. Unfortunately for her his new partner is pregnant so I feel she's somewhat stuck with him...

OP posts:

Amaretto · 10/01/2020 14:30

Yes she raised it with him and he basically told her he'd spent the last 16 years clearing up her mess and so she should clear his mess up after him
If he thinks that his 16yo dd is going to clear up after him, he is deluded! If he was like this when you were together, I can see why you left him!

Having said that, yes its disgusting. And yesits likely she will stop going to see him.
But thats HIS problem, not yours.

Loftyswops988 · 10/01/2020 14:30

YANBU he should leave it in good condition for her. However she is 16 and old enough to discuss it with him herself - and wouldn't be unreasonable if she only wants to see him but not stay over. I stopped staying overnight with my dad when i was about 15/16 but still spent time with him regularly

OkMaybeNot · 10/01/2020 14:32

I don't blame her a bit. I wouldn't want to clean up after my dad, or sleep in the same bed he's used, at 16 years old.

Sounds like she doesn't fancy sleeping over theirs anymore. Her choice.

Hont1986 · 10/01/2020 14:34

AIBU in thinking that a 16 year old girl should have her space respected and her room kept the way she left it the last time she stayed?

As an answer to this specific question, yes, I think YABU. This is a room she only uses once or twice a week, in a house owned by someone who doesn't really have an obligation to house her. I think she needs to expect that 'her room' is also going to be used for home gym/office/storage/whatever else people use the 'spare room' for.

That said, he should have the basic decency to pick up empty glasses and empty the rubbish bin before she comes to stay. She's 16 though, she's capable of changing sheets and emptying bins if she wishes.

Purpleartichoke · 10/01/2020 14:35

Perfectly reasonable for him to use the room, but he should make sure it is always clean and welcoming by the start of his parenting time.

Vanhi · 10/01/2020 14:37

he basically told her he'd spent the last 16 years clearing up her mess (he really hasn't - she's not messy and when we were together he didn't lift a finger to tidy anything up!) and so she should clear his mess up after him

Well isn't he lovely. It must be hurtful for her that he can't be bothered but if I were her I'd drop to daytime visits only and not do overnights. If distance makes that impractical then let her know she's within her rights to say either he clears up his own mess, or he doesn't see her. Just be prepared for him to drop contact if she does that. Poor girl.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 10/01/2020 14:41

she's threatening to throw him out if he doesn't stop being such a disgusting slob!!

Pregnant or not, I very much doubt this will last long.

He sounds horrible/lazy/dirty. Your poor daughter.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 10/01/2020 14:47

I don't suppose he has sought medical help for his snoring either, has he? He is clearly being unreasonable and the ultimate consequence of that will be your daughter refusing to sleep at his house.

Sounds like you've raised her with standards- well done!

Original poster

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 10/01/2020 14:47

I know - I really feel for her and every time she stays there I can't relax as there's always some drama that she has to call me about. She knows she doesn't have to go and stay there but a lot of the time he guilts her into it 'why don't you want to spend time with your dad - it's very hurtful, etc etc' She's probably too kind to give him the hard truth but I feel like she needs to.

She knows this isn't normal male behaviour as I said to her on the phone last night 'how would you feel if X (her stepdad, my husband) slept in your bedroom and left it in a mess and didn't change the sheets?' She just said 'X would never do that.' It makes me sad that her dad can't be bothered to make more of an effort with her.

OP posts:

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