Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ExH using daughter's room at his house

79 replies

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 10/01/2020 13:44

Daughter is 16, stays at her dad's once or twice a week. Until recently she had her own room at her dad's house but he has recently moved in with his partner. They have converted what was previously a dining room into a bedroom for her and made it nice for her. My issue is that when she's not there, her dad sleeps in her bedroom as his new partner can't stand his snoring. I guess it's fair enough that she shouldn't have exclusive use of a bedroom when she's only there for one or two nights a week, but she went there last night to find he'd left snotty tissues and dirty glasses all over the place and basically left her room in a mess. He's full of 'man flu' and has clearly been using her room to slob around in. He never changes the sheets after he sleeps in her bed and if this isn't disgusting enough in itself his personal hygiene is not great. AIBU in thinking that a 16 year old girl should have her space respected and her room kept the way she left it the last time she stayed? At this rate she's going to stop going to see him as she's so pissed off with him.

OP posts:
SunshineCake · 10/01/2020 16:11

Well when he says why don't you want to spend time with your dad she needs to tell him why.

mbosnz · 10/01/2020 16:11

I would never treat anyone coming to my home like that, not if I hated them. You simply don't do that. Let alone your daughter.

How hard is it for the poor little manchild to pick up his snotty tissues, empty the bin, and change the sheets? Hell, he could go wild and run the vac over the floor. Just the same as any of us (I presume) would for anyone coming to stay. What is that? Half an hour's work, tops? (Not including the time the washing machine is doing the actual work).

He has no self respect, let alone respect and care for his daughter.

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 10/01/2020 16:12

The ironic thing in relation to the disrespect is that he accuses her of disrespecting him all the time. I swear to god he would be better off living in the Downton Abbey era when women and children were seen and not heard. She pulled him up on talking over his partner repeatedly at dinner last weekend. Then when he got her on her own he accused her of disrespecting him for speaking to him in that way. I'm just glad my daughter has the balls to stand up to him and not deal with any of his shit.

OP posts:
Drabarni · 10/01/2020 16:13

My dd would tell him to sharpen up.
We all live together, but God help him if he leaves a mess. Grin

lisag1969 · 10/01/2020 16:17

Maybe just drop him a message and say I understand that you have to sleep in DD room. But please could you make sure it is clean and tidy and the bed is changed please as it distresses her, if it's not tidy. I want her to enjoy her time with you and not worry about untidiness x.

ohwheniknow · 10/01/2020 16:18

His point of view is that she's inferior to him, therefore he is entitled to treat her as badly as he fancies whilst she owes him obedience and submission.

That's where his criticism of her for "disrespect" comes from - she's not respecting his belief he is god-like.

ohwheniknow · 10/01/2020 16:19

Is he basically The Dominator from the Freedom Programme?

lisag1969 · 10/01/2020 16:20

Maybe say too him too. I don't want her to end up staying she doesn't want to come and spend time with you as it's to messy. That might kick him into gear x

MumW · 10/01/2020 16:20

I think she needs to stop tidying up after him and stop letting her guilt trip her. She can tell him she is not his slave and if she continues to arrive to a snot filled, dirty sheeted room then she's not visiting.
Do they live close enough for her to visit for the evening and come back home to sleep?

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 10/01/2020 16:21

Oh yuck! I really hope his poor partner finds Mumsnet and has the sense to get rid of that revolting slob. She should be watching how he treats his daughter and recognise that her child to be, if a boy will learn from him to disrespect women or if a girl will think being treated like shit by men is normal.

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 10/01/2020 16:24

It's about an hour's drive away so not really close enough to visit for the evening. I have suggested to her that if she doesn't want to stay over she can get him to take her out to dinner/lunch when she wants to see him. But she really likes her stepmum and step-sister and really only visits to see them which is sad. She has said that if her dad wasn't with his partner she wouldn't bother seeing him any more. I hope his partner finds Mumsnet too. She sounds like a lovely lady and I honestly don't know what she's doing with him.

OP posts:
T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 10/01/2020 16:25

How does he treat his stepdaughter? Is he as disrespectful towards her?

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 10/01/2020 16:27

I don't know....I think she just stays out of his way as much as possible. She hates him.

OP posts:
Bluerussian · 10/01/2020 16:28

I don't think it's wrong for him to sleep in her room when she is not there, most parents would do that with guests, however he should be more hygienic and leave her room 'nice' for her. Someone other than your daughter needs to say something to him about it, he's probably not aware he's such a slob but if another person chimed in he'd get his act together.

He sounds charming - not!

VladmirsPoutine · 10/01/2020 16:31

I don't think yabu but there's not really much you can do about it.

mbosnz · 10/01/2020 16:32

I wonder what he'd do if she got there, found the room in a state, looked at him with utter contempt, and said, 'I won't be staying, I'm not clearing up your mess, and I'm not sleeping in it either.' Visited with her SM and SS, and then came home again that evening.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 10/01/2020 16:38

I don't know....I think she just stays out of his way as much as possible. She hates him.

In that case, the partner needs to wise up! She has already brought a man into her home, that her own poor child hates and now she sees him treating his own daughter with disrespect. How low does your scummy ex have to go before she catches herself on? Hopefully she’ll get rid of him and maintain a relationship with your daughter.

Urkiddingright · 10/01/2020 16:46

He sounds so gross, I pity his DP. If I were your DD I’d have asked him at the time to pick up his disgusting tissues, there’s no way I’d touch them.

Wingedserpentfliesbynight · 10/01/2020 17:07

She's visiting, he lives there. Of course it's fine for him to use a room in his own house but if she doesn't like the mess it's left in she needs to have a word. He could strip the bed before she arrives and she could put fresh sheets on if it bothers her.

ivykaty44 · 10/01/2020 17:20

Your daughter is 16 years old & needs to sort her own relationship with her father.

It’s not your place to be telling her it’s wrong or right, if you’ve succeeded in being her up, she can speak to her father and sort the matter or take steps if he isn’t responsive to her reasonable requests

billy1966 · 10/01/2020 18:03

Do you drive her there OP?
Perhaps the next time she goes, hang around for a bit and give her the opportunity to call you and collect her if she arrives into a similar mess.

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 10/01/2020 18:06

No, he picks her up from school. I don't even know exactly where he's moved to.

OP posts:
Frankola · 10/01/2020 19:20

Theres nothing wrong with using the room when she isn't there. However, he should tidy it and change the bed

ohwheniknow · 10/01/2020 19:22

She's a 16 year old child whose father is mistreating her and feeding her toxic ideas.

Pretty sure backing her up and ensuring her head is not being totally fucked with is absolutely within the remit of her mother.

HannaYeah · 11/01/2020 01:39

It sounds like you are enjoying father and daughter having strife and wishing his new relationship doesn’t work out.