ExH using daughter's room at his house

[chocolatesaltyballs22]

Daughter is 16, stays at her dad's once or twice a week. Until recently she had her own room at her dad's house but he has recently moved in with his partner. They have converted what was previously a dining room into a bedroom for her and made it nice for her. My issue is that when she's not there, her dad sleeps in her bedroom as his new partner can't stand his snoring. I guess it's fair enough that she shouldn't have exclusive use of a bedroom when she's only there for one or two nights a week, but she went there last night to find he'd left snotty tissues and dirty glasses all over the place and basically left her room in a mess. He's full of 'man flu' and has clearly been using her room to slob around in. He never changes the sheets after he sleeps in her bed and if this isn't disgusting enough in itself his personal hygiene is not great. AIBU in thinking that a 16 year old girl should have her space respected and her room kept the way she left it the last time she stayed? At this rate she's going to stop going to see him as she's so pissed off with him.

OP, what a disgusting slob.

If I were you, I would use this as a teaching moment.

Your DD needs to stand up for herself.
She needs to learn NOT to accept crap behaviour.
She needs help with her boundaries.
She needs help to develop her ability NOT to be guilted by ANYONE to accept crappy behaviour.

YOU need to explain AGAIN, as you have, that this is appalling behaviour by her father.
You refused to put up with it.
She NOW needs to decide for herself if she wants to be someone who accepts this type of disrespectful behaviour.

You also need to explain YOUR boundary about not listening to this BS every week.

Wishing you well💐

I voted YABU. Not because you are wrong but because it doesn’t rise to the level of something you need to engage with him about.

It’s by impacting her safety or mental health. It’s something she’s old enough to negotiate with her father, or just deal.

Kids with intact families have to deal with parents that are not perfect, too. When you get a divorce you basically give up the right to micromanage what goes on in the other home.

You are not helping her by being a sounding board for minor aggravations about her Dad.

It’s not impacting ....

Erm I'm not engaging with him about it - I don't speak to him. But as her mum I'm responsible for helping my daughter through difficult situations.

Definitely not good for your daughter to have to go back to a messy room when she stays over, her dad should show more care and niceness towards his daughter. She may well wan't to stop visiting her slobby Dad, which would be very sad, when things could easily be rectified.

Would she be comfortable speaking to her stepmum about it? Ask if she (your daughter, not stepmum) can wash the sheets when she arrives (assuming there's a tumble dryer) so she can have fresh bedding?

If step mum is annoyed by his mess, presumably she'd have some empathy?

Saraclara, that would hasten the end of the new relationship, I think! Imagine the headline from stepmum's viewpoint:

"New partner's teen daughter asked me to clean 'her' room in my house and change the sheets after partner slept there and trashed the room. Partner refuses to clean up after himself. And I'm pg!"

It would be LTB from all sides.

Oh, just read your post properly! Oops. Sorry. Late here and I should be in bed. 😔

Haha @nearlygranny I wish I could tell her to LTB but it's none of my business!

I used to get annoyed with my brother for using my bed (I had a games console in my room) and making a mess and farting in my bed. Is this not just normal? Surely at 16 she can ask him to either tidy or give it a quick whip round herself. I bet he picks up after her all weekend.

Ewww that’s disgusting. Really not ok to move in with your gf and treat your dd with such contempt - or the gf for that matter. If he had a 2 bed before they should be able to afford a 3 bed now. That he had put such little thought into your dds needs speaks volumes. Unless he bucks up his ideas, it’s likely he will be seeing much less of your dd and with the new baby coming, she’s going to feel “replaced”.

@saraclara I don’t think the stepmum should be responsible for cleaning up after her husband! The daughter should speak to her Dad about it.

@trianglebingobongo he picks up after no one, least of all himself. And I'm not making my daughter out to be a saint but she's well trained and doesn't leave her crap everywhere. Hence her being upset that her room is a tip when she gets to her dad's. I also agree that his partner shouldn't be picking up after him - I had 10 years of it because he refused to do it and it drove me demented. He's only lived there a couple of months, I suspect she's only just starting to see his true colours.

@TriangleBingoBongo not it is not "normal" My older brothers' actually tidied up after me while my younger brothers learnt not to be slobs as they had to share rooms.

I suspect the partner is very keen to have a teenager in the house as an extra pair of hands when the new baby arrives.

Partner has a teenager of her own if she needs help and my daughter is not an unpaid babysitter when she's studying for her A levels!

@MontanaSwing I didn't suggest that stepmum clean up after him. I asked if OP's DD could ask to use the washer as soon as she arrives, so she can at least have clean bedding.

Who knows, SM might even nag her dad to put the sheets in when he gets up that morning.

so she should clear his mess up after him

Was she able to see this for the misogynistic bullshit it is or did you need to point out what an unacceptable response it was?

Just wondering how much he's fucked with her head. You managed to break free of his mistreatment and mindfucks but she's still trapped in it.

It's not just about the room or the cleanliness, it's a big "fuck you" from him telling her she's worthless. It must really hurt.

Eugh used tissues of any description is just fucking disgusting, even if it is snotty/cold tissues. I hope she asked him to get rid of them and didn't do it herself. I wouldn't be staying there again.

@ohwheniknow yes she knows what a dick he's being and how unacceptable this is. I could share loads of other examples of his selfishness but I won't bore you. And as I said, she now lives with a stepdad who is completely different to her dad and totally sees the difference. Believe me, I don't want her growing up to think this kind of behaviour is acceptable from the men in her life.

I just read the bit about him making her clean it up. Fucks sake. I'm livid for her. What a disgusting useless anus he is.

What a grotty bugger he is. Sounds like he's on borrowed time with his new partner, too.

Personally, if I were your daughter, I'd be saying, 'sorry Dad, no, I'm not coming around to clean up the tip that you use and say is my room. That's why I don't want to spend time with you. I don't like being disrespected and treated like that. any more than Mum did, and any more than your new partner does from the looks of things.'

Good, at least she's got an anchor in reality/normality when he's being a dick to her.