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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Separate bedrooms

95 replies

soulasylum · 09/01/2020 21:53

My husband and I got married in September last year. Our marriage is great, we love each other very much and there are no issues between us (ask me again in 5 years haha).
However I started a new job not long after we were married, entailing 4.30am wake ups and a lot of travel up and down the country to a couple of different cities.

DH gets up at 8am every morning (his place of work is closer to home).

He is a light sleeper, so my 4.30am alarm wakes him up and he sometimes struggles to fall back to sleep.

I have started sleeping in the spare room some nights, and it seems to work for us. We both get a comfy bed each, and I'm not disturbing him in the morning.

However when I have mentioned this arrangement to people they have turned their nose up and insist something must be wrong with my marriage...?

Has anyone had a similar experience? Am I being unreasonable for sleeping separately, be it part time, despite only being married a few months? I'm beginning to think I am rather strange!

OP posts:

HalfManHalfLabrador · 09/01/2020 21:55

Separate bedrooms is top of the list of must haves when we move. It just doesn’t work with one bedroom with different sleep patterns/work shifts etc.

We have even resorted to an airbed in the living room at times but obviously that’s not sustainable.

Purpleartichoke · 09/01/2020 21:55

As long as you make sure to set aside some time to connect during the day it is fine. Getting into bed at night is often the Only time busy couples or couples with kids have to chat uninterrupted these days. Those little check-ins and conversations are valuable. Just make sure you get that some other way.

RedDiamond · 09/01/2020 21:56

My Sister and her husband have had separate bedrooms for years! She is a horrendous light sleeper and he is a horrendous snorer! They both love it! He crawls into her bed at weekends for a cuddle....

They are blissfully happy.

OverByYer · 09/01/2020 21:57

Husband and I used to work opposite shifts so rarely were in bed at the same time. As long as everything else in your relationship is fine , I don’t think it’s a problem

VirginiaCreeper · 09/01/2020 21:57

Absolutely nothing wrong with making sure you can both sleep. Plus it's actually nice to have a whole bed to yourself

Original poster

soulasylum · 09/01/2020 21:57

We spend a lot of quality time together after work, going out for meals or a drink etc. No issues in our marriage and most of the time we do sleep in the same bed. I think it is nice to have the option of another bed and it boggles me that people assume my marriage is in crisis because of this!

OP posts:

Elindab · 09/01/2020 21:58

Me and DH have had separate bedrooms for years. People do think it's weird but I love my own space so much I don't care. We started it just temporarily because of babies feeding, but why would you ever go back?

ViaSacra · 09/01/2020 21:58

Separate bedrooms work for us.

Dh gets up around 5 to commute to London, plus he's a very poor sleeper so gets up a lot during the night - there's no way our marriage would have lasted as long as it has without separate bedrooms!

fikel · 09/01/2020 21:59

I’m a light sleeper often downstairs with the dog when woken by hubby’s snoring!!

speakout · 09/01/2020 22:03

Why does it matter what anyone thinks? And how on earth would they know?

It's no one else's business.

MumW · 09/01/2020 22:03

If it works for you, then it's not a problem. Your sleeping arrangements are your own business.

Riddo · 09/01/2020 22:03

DH and I have slept separately on and off for the last ten years and all the time for the last six. I'm an insomniac and he snores.

People often comment or raise their eyebrows, I think they take it as a sign of a failing marriage but I think we get on better now as we are both less sleep deprived. We've been married for 28 years and I'd have liked separate beds from the start but was worried about what people would think. Now I don't care 😂.

If it works for you then go for it.

SquigglePigs · 09/01/2020 22:03

We've been married 7 years and have a 1 year old. We've been in separate bedrooms since before we got married. I'm a light sleeper with some back issues and DH snores. Our family life is much better when I sleep! I use earplugs when we stay with friends/family or on holiday but my ears get irritated if I wear them long term.

We are open about our sleeping arrangements if it's appropriate as I think it helps destigmatise it a bit.

Do whatever works for you and your relationship.

Jog22 · 09/01/2020 23:08

I've been in spare room since before Xmas. I'm loving this strange feeling of calm and stillness I have on waking. This is what sleeping without a snorer next to me feels like. This is what actually getting enough sleep feels like. It's beautiful.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 09/01/2020 23:30

Doubt it would be any different if you both did shift work? Ignore any comments.

I slept in the spare room with DD when doing overnight feeds. I could have the light on low and read while feeding and changing / co sleeping and neither of us disturbed DH. Then I got breakfast in bed before he left while bfing. The Mumsnet mafia seem to suggest that's entirely unreasonable and he should had suffered in silence and gone to work on a shit nights sleep while not actually being capable of helping with the feeding.

Do whatever works for you both.

DramaAlpaca · 09/01/2020 23:34

We've been married for donkeys' years and have had separate bedrooms for a long time, thanks to completely different sleep patterns, body clocks and snoring issues. We have visiting rights of course and it works for us.

McCanne · 09/01/2020 23:35

Definitely not being unreasonable and I suspect a lot more common than people admit to! There’s no point in everyone being tired and ratty all the time - that’s going to have a far bigger impact on a marriage than sleeping apart sometimes. Whatever works!

Northernsoullover · 09/01/2020 23:39

My parents have been in separate bedrooms for years. Nothing wrong with their marriage. I hate sharing my bed. If my partner stays over I get so little sleep. When we cohabit we have agreed separate rooms.

WonderTree · 09/01/2020 23:42

We've been married for 12 years and had separate bedrooms for years because of snoring (not that he doesn't sneak in a couple of times a week ). We're lucky to have a big house.

All our friends know about this and I complain bitterly when we go on holiday and I have to actually share a bed and sleep badly!

No idea whether people are making assumptions about our marriage, and don't really care tbh. Nobody's ever been rude enough to comment.

ByeMF · 09/01/2020 23:48

My ex husband and I had separate bedrooms and it was the straw that broke the camel's back. I'd say that as long as everything else in your relationship is good and you are still physically close there's no problem. I can't imagine ever having to share a bed again!

darthbreakz · 10/01/2020 00:10

If it's OK with you and you're happy, fuck whether it's weird or what other people say! I think it was Jenny Murray from Women's Hour - she said seperate rooms had saved their marriage (though that doesn't sound like what this is about). Sleep is important!

MiniMum97 · 10/01/2020 00:18

My DH and I have slept apart for years as he snores and I can't sleep. Works well for us and has kept our marriage going I believe. A partner keeping you from sleep night after night could destroy a marriage very quickly!

We tend to sleep together at weekends sometimes and when on holiday. It's lovely and I think we appreciate it more when we do our as we don't do it all the time.

katy1213 · 10/01/2020 00:23

Why would you even discuss your sleeping arrangements with other people? Nobody's business.

SummerBreezemakesmefeelfine · 10/01/2020 00:34

During most of our marriage since 1982 we always slept together. We live in a 3 bedroom house and the kids had a bedroom each. Dh snores, so I wore ear plugs for years.

Youngest left home almost a year ago, I have decorated her old room and now it is my bedroom. I have to get up early at 06.30 and my alarm always disturbed DH, who starts later.

After all these years I love having my own space. My room is at the back of the house, there are no street lights and it is quiet.

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 10/01/2020 00:39

I have a bedroom and DH sleeps on a sofa bed in the living room.
Sleeping apart has saved our marriage. We both snore, we are both large, and honestly, I don't think we would still be together if we had to share a room, let alone a bed!
It's nobody else's business!

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