Separate bedrooms

[soulasylum]

My husband and I got married in September last year. Our marriage is great, we love each other very much and there are no issues between us (ask me again in 5 years haha).
However I started a new job not long after we were married, entailing 4.30am wake ups and a lot of travel up and down the country to a couple of different cities.

DH gets up at 8am every morning (his place of work is closer to home).

He is a light sleeper, so my 4.30am alarm wakes him up and he sometimes struggles to fall back to sleep.

I have started sleeping in the spare room some nights, and it seems to work for us. We both get a comfy bed each, and I'm not disturbing him in the morning.

However when I have mentioned this arrangement to people they have turned their nose up and insist something must be wrong with my marriage...?

Has anyone had a similar experience? Am I being unreasonable for sleeping separately, be it part time, despite only being married a few months? I'm beginning to think I am rather strange!

DH and I plan to get a lovely caravan and we can each use it when we fancy our own bed. (Really it will be MINE he just doesn't know this yet!) and as we're in Oz, it's warm enough to sleep in the garden for a lot of the year.

We think it's fine. We've been together almost 20 years for goodness sake. That's a long time. We'll sleep together some nights...just not all!

My DH works shifts and on his early shifts (up at 4.30am) we sleep seperately as I don't have to get up til 6am and I struggle to go back to sleep if we're together. It works for us so if it works for you and you're both happy with the arrangement then it's no-one else's business 🤷‍♀️

Absolutely fine if it works for you. Why are you discussing your sleeping arrangements with other people, its none of their business.

We’ve been together for almost. 20 years, and have slept in separate bedrooms for 15 of them - he’s a snorer (louder than an express train) & I’m a light sleeper. It totally works for us and I couldn’t care less what people think of our sleeping arrangements! I know plenty of couples who do the same. I’d recommend this fridge magnet to remind you of the stance to take if other people’s opinions about stuff that is none of their business bothers you when it shouldn’t... :)

We do exactly the same. He has to get up at 4.45 and I don't need to wake up until 6. Separate bedrooms work best as I'm a light sleeper. We sleep in the same room at the weekends because we feel like we should but both probably sleep better separately!

Ah but the key thing you forgot is that this is something people don't talk about

It's 1950's code for "no sex for him!" and completely irrelevant today in our world of shift work.

Loads of people have separate bedrooms.

Separate bedrooms is excellent in your circumstances (& many others); you can still 'get together and spend entire night on Friday and Saturday or whatever fits in with days off.

I'd have liked separate bedrooms. Who wants to be woken at the crack of dawn when there's no need?

Sounds like a normal, healthy relationship. The fairy tale obsession for constant-togetherness in relationships has become the abnormal-normal. It's more likely that anyone querying your sleeping arrangement has insecurities in their relationship than you do in yours. It's not healthy for a relationship to not be able to (or imagine doing) anything separately as individuals and to always need to be (and seen to be) "a couple".

We've always (20+ years) had separate rooms, but that doesn't mean we always use them. We could go weeks/months just knowing that the option is there.

Dh and I have had our own rooms for 5/6 years.
I was at breaking point through lack of sleep.
He snores, wriggles and kicks in his sleep.
Im early to bed, he would wake me up 2 hours later, light on,flump onto the bed.
I cannot describe the rage-there were times I wanted to murder him.
Add farting,bad breath and wet towels on the bed.
I now have my own beautifully decorated, tidy, clean room, absolute bliss.
I love it and our relationship has improved so much.
Sleep is important

I think a lot of people do this but just don’t talk about it because of the reactions you’ve described. DH and I do it for various reasons (early starts, insomnia, snoring) and are still very happily married. Everything is better when you’ve had a good sleep.

Also live with a snorer and am a light sleeper so am often in the spare room.

I dream of getting my own bedroom. Dh snores. Suffers from sleep apnoea and is up and down throughout the night. Tosses around d a lot in his sleep. He likes nights land a very cool bedroom. Iam often woken up by him.

I prefer a warmer bedroom lights off and I would love to sleep through the night not being work up by the multiple habitstrips for water/ toilet/checking the dog/ sou nd he heard.

Nothing wrong w out marriage just very different sleep habitx

If one of us disturbs the other - like I tend to snore if I have a cold - then one will go sleep on the sofa. If we disturbed each other every nght, we would have separate bedrooms. Only reasonable. Marriage is not improved by sleep deprived, sort tempered partners.

Separate bedrooms - separate households for us! DP and I are part of the growing number of couples Living Together Apart (or something like that they call it). Been together 13 years, 1 DS together, 1 DS from previous relationship. I love him but do not want to see him everyday, I worry I would run out of things to say, and not seeing each other for a day or two keeps things fresh. I wouldn't have it any other way. Do not concern yourself with the opinions of other OP. Some of our friends seem mildly envious of our set-up!

Why do you need to tell people your sleeping arrangements? Just keep it private.

Separate bedrooms, married over 30 years, but I have no idea whether my friends share bedrooms or not with their DHs, why is it even discussed? Often you might be aware that a couple has a ‘master’ bedroom but no idea if one half of the couple sleep in the spare room or on the sofa , no one else’s business.

I am genuinely amazed that couples actually get any sleep when sharing a bed, my idea of hell !

I find it far stranger that you discuss stuff like this with all and sundry, than the fact you sleep separately.

Why do people open up every single part of their lives for discussion and then get arsey when others have an opinion on it?

People are idiots.
Why tell them?

Been with my partner for a number of years. In July 2018 he became my Husband.... We've never shared a bed and I wouldn't want to - I am an incredibly light sleeper who fidgets and goes to bed around 10.30pm and gets up early. He's a night owl who goes to bed between 1:00-3:00am and gets up around 11:00am.

I've had the same reaction from people but to be honest, find it funny as I'm incredibly happy with the relationship and I think he is too! It works incredibly well for us and certainly doesn't impact other 'activities'!

I'd far prefer to be judged by strangers who know nothing about my relationship than have crappy sleep for years just so I can 'prove' to randoms my relationship is stable as we share a bed

A couple I know (family friends) have this arrangement too and they have the best marriage I know

Lots of reasons to sleep in separate rooms, I've no idea why people turn their noses up at it

Never mind why your doing it, or what people think. If it works for you and your happy then do it! And advise friends to watch sex and the city 2! If Carrie and big can have separate apartments, then why can’t you have separate bedrooms! (Jk obvs)

It's really positive to hear so many other people with similar arrangements

And for those of you saying it is strange I discuss things like this - it's not random strangers I bump into at the supermarket, more like friends or siblings or close work colleagues. But yes I think I am going to keep schtum in future! As long as I get a good night's kip that's all that matters haha

Separate bedrooms here, DH a massive snorer, together 15 years this year

Been with my partner nearly 7 years, lived together for nearly 6. He snores. A lot. We have always slept in separate beds. Well, he actually slept on the sofa for 2 years and I had the bed then we moved and the lounge no longer accommodated the l shaped sofa so he got the bed, I borrowed one of those fold out foam beds and used that. We rent a 3 bedroom house and my fold out bed is currently used in my son's room but he's 12 so not ideal and I can't do it forever. It's far from ideal. The 3rd bedroom is my step daughters and is not used all the time as she usually only stays over at the weekend, occasionally in the holidays. OH says I should sleep in there but it's her room and I dont think it's fair on her, she's 12 and at that age where she wants privacy and her own space.
If we had a 4 bedroom house, I'd definitely still sleep separately. I'm going to have to try though and am researching good ear plugs.

OH also works shifts so that doesn't help matters. I'd definitely wake up when he is on an early, if I shared a bed!