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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Separate bedrooms

95 replies

soulasylum · 09/01/2020 21:53

My husband and I got married in September last year. Our marriage is great, we love each other very much and there are no issues between us (ask me again in 5 years haha).
However I started a new job not long after we were married, entailing 4.30am wake ups and a lot of travel up and down the country to a couple of different cities.

DH gets up at 8am every morning (his place of work is closer to home).

He is a light sleeper, so my 4.30am alarm wakes him up and he sometimes struggles to fall back to sleep.

I have started sleeping in the spare room some nights, and it seems to work for us. We both get a comfy bed each, and I'm not disturbing him in the morning.

However when I have mentioned this arrangement to people they have turned their nose up and insist something must be wrong with my marriage...?

Has anyone had a similar experience? Am I being unreasonable for sleeping separately, be it part time, despite only being married a few months? I'm beginning to think I am rather strange!

OP posts:

okiedokieme · 10/01/2020 00:43

Whatever works for you. Personally I would hate it, it reminds me of my stbexh leaving and I want to spend every minute I can with dp because we live in separate cities until my divorce finalises (and dd finishes university) but it works for many especially a bit older

Retroflex · 10/01/2020 00:45

We have a spare bedroom, which my husband sleeps in on my "bad" nights. I'm disabled, and it would absolutely disturb his sleep if I was trying to get comfortable next to him when I'm in pain. It's not fair to have him going to work with very little or no sleep because of my health.

Bowerbird5 · 10/01/2020 00:45

Been married over forty years. DH worked away a lot but because of the snoring , farting and sleeping in so much of the bed ( left me about 6 “ I turfed him out. I was ill so he took himself off to DDs old room and when he thought it was safe to come back I said no he needn’t bother!

Don’t worry about it.

Fr0g · 10/01/2020 00:49

I used to have friends - a couple -with separate houses - semi detached, they shared the garden, ate alone or together as they pleased.
seemed an ideal arrangement.

SenecaFalls · 10/01/2020 01:01

DH and I sleep in separate bedrooms whenever one of us has to get up at an ungodly hour for work. Currently that is probably about 50 percent of the time. So what you are doing, OP, makes sense to me.

Shoxfordian · 10/01/2020 06:08

Dh and I have separate bedrooms, we only share when we have guests or on holiday

We both sleep well and there are no problems in our marriage, we adore each other.

Shmithecat2 · 10/01/2020 06:16

I would LOVE separate bedrooms. I'm a night owl, DH is early to bed. I take forever to get to sleep, DH falls to sleep immediately and then snores. Once I'm asleep, I sleep well - DH wakes at the sound of a mouse farting 5 miles away. I hate have the curtains closed, but DH wakes at the tiniest shaft of light and would never have them open if he had his way. He also always ends of my side of the bed and likes to sleep close - I like to starfish and have space, I'm a tactile person when I'm awake, but am not the sort of person that likes to fall asleep cuddling. Alas, DH would be emotionally wounded if I suggested such a thing 🤷🏻‍♀️

cheeseislife8 · 10/01/2020 06:32

It works for us too. DH and I have separate rooms 5/6 nights a week.

We work at opposite ends of the day, with me getting up a good 4 hours before him most days and him getting home and having tea around the time I'm getting ready for bed. He snores, we were both exhausted from waking each other up with our conflicting schedules, and we actually get along better now we're both getting some sleep.

Far from being in crisis, this has done us and our marriage a favour!

user1498572889 · 10/01/2020 06:38

It was either separate bedrooms or I cut his throat. I am a light sleeper and he snores loudly. Before we had separate rooms I was just angry every morning because I got even less sleep with the horrendous noise he makes. I can still hear him but not loudly and we are separated by 2 walls and doors.

PlumsGalore · 10/01/2020 06:51

dC1 has left home now so we have a spare bedroom, I regularly get in that in the night for all of the reasons mentioned above. I sleep better.

Sexnotgender · 10/01/2020 06:56

If it works for you then ignore other people.

I happen to love sharing my bed with DH, BUT... he’s not a snorer.

My ex was a snorer and I’d happily have had separate beds.

eenymeenymineymo · 10/01/2020 06:59

I too have recently discovered the delights of a bed all to myself. Nearly 33 years married & the snoring & blanket tossing got the better of me & I moved in the middle of a night to "camp" on our DS3 old bed (he had moved out finally).
Much more comfier, so I moved a nice duvet in there, my bedside clock & books & its my lovely spot, where the sun coming up streams into my windows.
Cuddles etc etc still happen but love the separate rooms idea now - no going back

BoomBoomsCousin · 10/01/2020 07:09

We had separate bedrooms for a while because of disturbed sleep when our children were young but we moved back in together because over time we found it really lead to a loss of intimacy (not sex so much, but intimacy). We put some effort into sleeping better together and it's sort of working out (though it's not perfect).

If you can keep the intimacy then separate bedrooms have a lot to be said for them.

longearedbat · 10/01/2020 07:11

We've had separate bedrooms for years, and since we extended our house, we also have separate bathrooms and separate studies. Brilliant - we hardly see each other.
Actually we both snore and disturb each other, plus we have totally different sleeping habits. We are retired, but I am a very early riser; him not so. It suits us. we have been together 25 years.
Anyway, I don't sleep alone; my dog sleeps with me. She doesn't snore.
I would say 50% of the people I know sleep apart.

TheDuchessofDukeStreet · 10/01/2020 07:13

I’m a shift worker and nocturnal. DP likes to go to bed early. We have a room each. I’m not a fan of spare rooms with their dumping ground potential. I regard this as our business and anybody questioning my domestic arrangements or turning up their nose would be asked what business it was of theirs.

SunshineCake · 10/01/2020 07:14

YABU to say haha as that's immature and also to tell people and then care what they say. This is your marriage not theirs and if it genuinely works for both of you why are you giving headspace to peoples irrelevant opinions?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/01/2020 07:16

I don't see it as a problem because it's also something we do.
DH is the one who wakes up stupidly early (always has done, not just because of his job) and he's not a subtle ariser, he always manages to wake me up too. I'm a late bird, light sleeper and find it hard to go back to sleep too so this really irritates me.

Works much better when we sleep in separate rooms.

Megan2018 · 10/01/2020 07:17

Happily married with separate bedrooms here. It is very common. We each have a huge superking bed and visit each other (well not at the moment, we have a newborn). DH is a light sleeper who drives for work, he is up at 5am and goes to bed at 9.30. I’m a night owl with a parasomnia. Slept separately all our marriage, our current house was built to have 2 master bedrooms so we have a lovely room each 😊

RedGal · 10/01/2020 07:17

If it works for you,then it's nobody's business. I firmly believe what we do in our relationships is personal and so lomas it works and both are gather there's no problem.
Its not for me and I'd be really sad if my wife slept separately. Going to bed together at night and waking up together , I'd miss it terribly.

RedGal · 10/01/2020 07:18

If it works for you,then it's nobody's business. I firmly believe what we do in our relationships is personal and so as long as it works and both are happy there's no problem.
Its not for me and I'd be really sad if my wife slept separately. Going to bed together at night and waking up together , I'd miss it terribly.

daisychain01 · 10/01/2020 07:21

@soulasylum the secret is to do what works well for you and your DH in your relationship.

If you seek validation from people, you'll get unwarranted opinion that is probably irrelevant to your circumstances.

Some people sleep separately, others don't want to sleep on their own, it really isn't about other people and what they choose to do. There's no rule book you know.

grisen · 10/01/2020 07:21

We share a bed and a bedroom, but he works days and I work nights so never sleep at the same time. Even if it's my night off I tend to be on the sofa because I might get some sleep from 1am - 5am, but very rarely and I don't like having to be quiet on what is essentially my daytime. But we have our evenings together and it has saved our relationship. If I go back to working days we are sleeping in separate beds, he takes up the entire bed anyway so I never really got to sleep in bed.

CupCupGoose · 10/01/2020 07:25

We don't have the room, but if we did, I'd love my own bedroom. I really hate sharing a bed with someone and would love my own space. If it works for you, don't worry about what anyone else thinks.

minesagin37 · 10/01/2020 07:34

We moved house a few years ago so have room. DH started with pain in joints. He was very restless. Also he likes to stay up really late. All of that disturbed my sleep badly. We sleep separately now and can both fully function. The quality of the waking time has improved significantly as a result.

Whatsitthingy · 10/01/2020 07:36

If it works for you the. That’s all that matters. Wouldn’t work for us, occasionally we sleep separately and both hate it.

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