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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wish I wanted kids?

95 replies

Namestranger · 09/01/2020 20:15

Apologies if this has been done...but I've been here a few years and I've not seen it yet...

I feel a bit funny about the fact I don't want to have children. I mean, I know I don't want them, but I sort of wish that I did. I'm in my early thirties and everyone seems to be having babies and I really admire and slightly envy that uncomplicated total love and sense of priority, purpose and dedication having a baby seems to give parents. I sort of envy them having a love that intense in their lives. I see lots of people in here saying they're super happy with being childless and while I know I definitely don't want to have a baby I feel a bit like my life is going of a different path to all my friends now. Like I need to make my own purpose, if that makes sense. I'm probably not explaining it very well. I definitely don't dislike children, not babies anyway. I really like my little baby nephew - but if anything holding him and looking after him makes me even surer that, whole he's wonderful, it just isn't for me. It's like I'm missing a gene or something! Does anyone know what I mean? Does it lessen as you get older?

OP posts:
Mirandaqueenbee · 09/01/2020 20:21

Not everyone wants to be a parent i am one and some times I have regrets but then other days I wouldn't be without them 🙈

Newmumma83 · 09/01/2020 20:24

It’s wonderful but exhausting at times.
I wouldn’t recommend it unless you wanted a child really badly , there is nothing wrong with going down a different path.
My best friend is the same and that’s fine because she is living her best life.
I am glad you know your own mind on the matter and being an aunt is close to being a parent with out the broken sleep 😴

LittleSweet · 09/01/2020 20:26

Why try to be someone you're not? Just because other people do something doesn't mean you have to.

Original poster
Namestranger · 09/01/2020 20:28

My best friend is the same and that’s fine because she is living her best life

That's the thing, I'm not sure I am living my best life! I think lots of people think I am but I feel a bit....aimless, I suppose 😐

OP posts:
rhowton · 09/01/2020 20:32

When you get in to bed on Friday night, set your alarm to go off every two hours, then get out of bed, and walk downstairs and then get back in to bed! Repeat every two hours until 5:30am and then get up for the day. Then on Saturday nights, go to bed and sleep until you wake up. See which one you prefer. If it's the latter, don't have kids! 😂

NeurotrashWarrior · 09/01/2020 20:36

We are sort of coached from when we are young, via stories, friends, tv, culture, to think that we will get married and have children so when we don't want that we kind of don't have a replacement aim if that makes sense?

but you don't need a particular aim other than living well and being happy.

It's hard when friends do have kids though as it's all consuming (I have two now but later in life so saw other friends go down that route first). One of my friends has a very good time going on lovely beach hols and water sports and then working hard in between,

Lottapianos · 09/01/2020 20:42

I found it unbelievably bloody lonely and isolating in my early to mid 30s - it felt like everyone in the world was pregnant, or trying to be, or had kids already. I remember feeling like there was a big party going on and my invitation had got lost in the post!

I think the really important thing is to look out for other people without children, either people in your own life or people in the public eye. It can be very easy to swallow the message that having kids is 'the norm' and 'the right thing' but its absolutely not for everyone. Find your tribe- there are lots of us around, we're just not as visible!

YeOldeTrout · 09/01/2020 20:43

Being childfree is fine. Enjoy.

messolini9 · 09/01/2020 20:43

Gah. Everything you describe is societal expectation, messing with your head.

You can find purpose & extreme love in the most unlikely places in life - you don't actually need to endure parturition to do so.

Original poster
Namestranger · 09/01/2020 20:48

Thanks guys 😊 I really relate to this

I remember feeling like there was a big party going on and my invitation had got lost in the post!

And this

so when we don't want that we kind of don't have a replacement aim if that makes sense?

I do have things in life I enjoy. I've come to traveling a bit late in life but am beginning to explore a bit, and I do love my sports. And DP is lovely. I guess my silly hobbies all feel a bit sort of silly by comparison!

Re. Child free friends I do already feel myself gravitating toward my child free friends a bit already. It's a bit sad but I guess we have different timetables now.

OP posts:
Karwomannghia · 09/01/2020 20:49

Is it a little bit that you’ve lost your friends to their kids slightly and have less in common with them? Maybe you could create a purpose? All the things you can do more easily without kids- travel, pursue an amazing career or hobby, learn a new skill etc
And they’ll come back once the kids are less needy!

mrbob · 09/01/2020 20:49

I know what you mean entirely. I definitely don’t want kids and that feeling has only got more intense as I watch my country burn down and feel I really don’t want to bring more people into this world. I love kids but don’t in any way want my own.

But as PP said we sort of grow up with the messages that kids are the way to have a purpose. Or god. I have neither of these and I worry that I just make work my purpose which is both boring and not very sustainable even if I like it very much. I think there have been a few discussions about what purpose you have without kids (not in a “what is the point in you without children” way) and trying to find a path that is not about THINGS (like houses etc) but some other meaning. Obviously you can do all the things like sleep, have sex without a 10 year old walking in and go on holidays as much as you want which is what parents tell you they miss but that is not PURPOSE that is what fills your time

Personally I find having other child free friends helpful to remind me that you don’t have to do it and then steal their ideas! I am still working my way through them at nearly 40 trying to decide what is really really important to me. I think now it is actually the planet. So once I have paid off my mortgage in hardly any years (no kids to pay for ;) ) I am going to focus my life on working for the environment and make the future of the world my meaning which is probably less achievable but more important! Other people find meaning in art and creativity.

It is hard though. I think focus on what makes you happy. What do you want to achieve as a human?

That is a bit waffling but I want to say I get it

Leobynature · 09/01/2020 20:54

I really don’t get the point of this thread. I don’t want children, I wish I did but I definitely don’t. Hmm. Well crack on

mrbob · 09/01/2020 20:55

Leo then don’t contribute. I think the question is pretty clear

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 09/01/2020 20:56

The usual message for childfree people is that we must do something worthy, or travel a lot and have lots of adventures or be obsessed with a career. What we absolutely cannot be is living a normal life, go on holiday now and again but otherwise not trek the Himalayas, enjoy work but maybe find it a bit boring and annoying sometimes and definitely not collapse exhausted on the sofa with a bottle of wine and Netflix. We can't be ordinary. We must justify why we aren't doing the normal thing and having children - because if we're not doing that and we're just living an ordinary life then what's the point of us, right?

Bollocks, frankly. You are allowed to have the life you have now, just without children. You are allowed to feel aimless and nit be massively excited about work - you are allowed to be what you are and do what you want.

Lottapianos · 09/01/2020 20:56

'I think focus on what makes you happy. '

Absolutely. There are no medals for martyrdom- spend as much time as you can doing stuff you enjoy. Dont apologise for your hobbies - they are things that bring you joy and as such they are extremely precious

Theres sometimes an expectation that childfree women are either extremely career focused, or doing other extraordinary things like bike rides and marathons for charity or whatever. There is NOTHING wrong with having a quiet, steady sort of life, so long as you are fulfilled and content. You dont have to impress anyone.

Original poster
Namestranger · 09/01/2020 20:56

mrbob thank you for your post you're absolutely spot on. This is totally how I feel!

I have goals but they feel feeble In comparison to having a family Crown Blush

I want to work less (all I do is work atm) travel more, keep up my yoga, keep up my languages, keep up my cooking (maybe one day open a cafe - pipe dream though!) and my sports and one day be sufficiently financial stable and settled to get a dog. I really, really, really want a bloody dog so badly.

Im also (quietly) passionate about being vegan and I would like to do some volunteer work.

Gosh even writing that all down has helped me a lot!

OP posts:
Lottapianos · 09/01/2020 20:57

Leigh - cross post!

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 09/01/2020 20:57

Sent too soon.....

Life doesn't always have to have a purpose. It is perfectly fine to enjoy the moment.

Original poster
Namestranger · 09/01/2020 20:59

Ahh thanks so much everyone I'm really glad other people understand this feeling a bit and it isn't just me. Xmas Smile

OP posts:
Lottapianos · 09/01/2020 21:00

'I want to work less'

Huge ambition of mine too!

I think your list of hobbies and ambitions sounds lovely Smile I'm sure you're a much more interesting person to talk to than the mums I know who can talk about nothing but the kids

Original poster
Namestranger · 09/01/2020 21:00

I really don’t get the point of this thread

I was asking if anyone else understands my conflicted feelings on this matter. Apparently some people do 🤷

OP posts:
Original poster
Namestranger · 09/01/2020 21:04

Huge ambition of mine too!

I think maybe this is what contributes to the aimlessness thing a bit too... Although I've done well at my work I actually just quit my job after 6 years because I'm going mad. I think I properly hate working. It's so boring and bloody time consuming and I'm always too tired to do anything else afterwards. I also finish quite late so all the good yoga classes are already finished by then. I had a day off this week for a hospital appointment (also am on my notice period so not checking work phone much etc) and I just hired a Boris bike and cycled around the park for an hour. Not ridden a bike in ten years! It was terrific.

OP posts:
Leighhalfpennysthigh · 09/01/2020 21:05

@Namestranger it sounds like your life has a lot of purpose - not that you need it to.

I highly recommend having a group,of friends who are childfree or even have older children.

mrbob · 09/01/2020 21:05

Ha also attempting veganism! I am a true believer in it so need to just crack on. I wonder if we just have more time to think about all these things so we worry more about needing to do something with a point?
Leigh I understand what you mean. I don’t want to feel forced to justify what I do with my time. It is weird- I don’t think I actually do to other people but it is more about justifying it to myself! I am sure partly as a social construct.

But for ME as a person I want to feel like at the end of my life I have done something to be proud of and work and my amazing achievement of having eaten three times my body weight in chocolate just isn’t going to cut it even if that is perfectly respectable as a life’s work! I need more. I think this is the point at which some people have kids to fill that spot. I am just searching for a different fill without so much guidance.