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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wish I wanted kids?

95 replies

Namestranger · 09/01/2020 20:15

Apologies if this has been done...but I've been here a few years and I've not seen it yet...

I feel a bit funny about the fact I don't want to have children. I mean, I know I don't want them, but I sort of wish that I did. I'm in my early thirties and everyone seems to be having babies and I really admire and slightly envy that uncomplicated total love and sense of priority, purpose and dedication having a baby seems to give parents. I sort of envy them having a love that intense in their lives. I see lots of people in here saying they're super happy with being childless and while I know I definitely don't want to have a baby I feel a bit like my life is going of a different path to all my friends now. Like I need to make my own purpose, if that makes sense. I'm probably not explaining it very well. I definitely don't dislike children, not babies anyway. I really like my little baby nephew - but if anything holding him and looking after him makes me even surer that, whole he's wonderful, it just isn't for me. It's like I'm missing a gene or something! Does anyone know what I mean? Does it lessen as you get older?

OP posts:
bakewreck99 · 09/01/2020 21:09

I can understand it - I've got 2 female friends who didn't have any, and they're very happy with their choices, we've passed the reproductive window now and it does get easier. You don't need to find some sort of alternative moral worth to justify anything to anyone, kids are not for some people and more people need to fully evaluate if it's really for them or not now it's not simply a biological destiny you can't avoid!

I don't know if it helps but I'd say it's enough to be unselfish enough to realise that kids aren't for you and not go along with it for FOMO reasons and then be a not 'good enough' parent - knowing what you want, clearly, and doing that is a pretty good outcome for major life decisions.

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 09/01/2020 21:11

But for ME as a person I want to feel like at the end of my life I have done something to be proud of and work

I'm the same to be honest. I have my own business that I built up from scratch, do lots of voluntary work and I have my dogs who are such amazing fun and bring so much love to my life. It's not the life I planned but it's one a draw much pleasure from and I'm proud of my achievements.

What does piss me off is when people comment that my business and my voluntary work, in fact my life, are somewhat less important because I couldn't reproduce.

Original poster
Namestranger · 09/01/2020 21:13

I'd say it's enough to be unselfish enough to realise that kids aren't for you and not go along with it for FOMO reasons

Yeah FOMO would be an awful reason to have a baby! That and the fear of being alone. I worry about being left alone sometimes, especially with DP being a lot older than me, but it'd be utterly insane and selfish to have a baby just in the hope you don't mind up old and alone...your children might not even like you for a start! And I guess you'd be even lonelier if you knew your kids were out there but they just didn't want to visit you.

OP posts:
Dozer · 09/01/2020 21:16

You’d like a dog? How about walking someone else’s sometimes?

Original poster
Namestranger · 09/01/2020 21:21

You're right, I should offer. I'm not home til a quarter to eight at the moment but maybe when my job is over I could. I also thought about house sitting when people need their dog looked after Crown Smile

OP posts:
GoodDogBellaBoo · 09/01/2020 21:22

If you don’t want them don’t have them. Don’t think anyone else really cares wheter you do or don’t in the end, just you. Don’t let age or lifestyle decide though, travelled the world with my babies and had no problems. Don’t often like other people’s babies (don’t dislike them either) but as little as I believed it myself beforehand and as much as I love my partner, my children were true love from the second they were born. Nothing else has compared and it’s been 20 years. Still have the lifestyle we want, just including our children.

GoodDogBellaBoo · 09/01/2020 21:26

If anything our lifes are more interesting now, because of different opinions in our family. They keep us from becoming old and set in our views, and try new things like food, activities, clothing and travelling! 🙂

GoodDogBellaBoo · 09/01/2020 21:26

*ways not views (autocorrect)

Megan2018 · 09/01/2020 21:31

I felt like that until I met my DH, I didn’t want children ever but was a bit lost. Then I met DH and suddenly I did want his baby, so although I waited until I was 40, it was the right thing.
I have several friends who didn’t have the change of heart that I had, so I’m probably an oddity. If you had told me at 30 I’d have a baby at 40 I’d have never believed it!
Sometimes the solution to the problem is not what you expect.

mrbob · 09/01/2020 21:54

Please can people who are just going to talk about how great children are at adding meaning stop! This is NOT what this thread is about. The exact opposite. Read it!

Lottapianos · 09/01/2020 21:56

My thoughts exactly. There's always people on these threads who try to convince you how marvellous it is having kids. No thanks- take it elsewhere!

PooWillyBumBum · 09/01/2020 21:59

I’m a mother but it’s not my only purpose in life. We all feel aimless sometimes and wanting kids would be unlikely to remove that feeling unless it’s the only thing you care about. I constantly have crises about where we live/my career/social life/have I done enough with my life...and that’s before worrying about kids.

Booberella9 · 09/01/2020 22:05

I never wanted kids in the sense of wanting a baby. What made me decide to have kids was thinking about what I wanted my life to be like at 60. That made me realise I had to at least try to have them. The baby stage doesn't last long, people make a big deal of it but it's really not the point. What do you want to be doing at 60? How do you see yourself spending your time, what relationships will you have? Of course no one can see the future but it's better to at least think about it a bit.

BettyBooJustDoinTheDoo · 09/01/2020 22:08

And the not so subtle undertones that you haven’t met the right man yet.

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 09/01/2020 22:11

My thoughts exactly. There's always people on these threads who try to convince you how marvellous it is having kids. No thanks- take it elsewhere

Yes this. It is obvious that the OP does not want children so at best your efforts are futile and at worst will make her feel that she is somehow wrong for feeling the way she does.

hammeringinmyhead · 09/01/2020 22:19

I had a child also thinking, like a previous poster, that I'd like a relationship with an adult child in my 60s. I do think that having children to give yourself a purpose is a bit of a temporary sticking plaster anyway. Once my DC is at school then I'll need to go back to trying to have a fulfilling career for approx 25 years, and hobbies, and all that jazz!

XXcstatic · 09/01/2020 22:21

Totally get this. I have never doubted that being child free is right for me, but I have sometimes wished that I had wanted kids - it's tough to be a parent, but it's also tough when society constantly tells you that your life choices are weird/unnatural. Fitting in is so much easier, in social terms. Still relieved I stood up to the pressure though - I don't think I would have been happy as a mother.

AllTheWhoresOfMalta · 09/01/2020 22:27

My sister is like you. She’s a doting and wonderful aunt but like you say, absolutely knows she doesn’t want children even more as a result of having nieces.

Rather than seeing it as something missing think of all the things being childless gives you. So much time- for travel and art and whatever you like. Embrace it.

PlushPlush · 09/01/2020 22:30

Every big decision ends the possibility of other options. You could be a doctor, live in Tokyo, or be married to a woman. Or not. Own your decisions. Or if that's too hard, know that your free will is an illusion anyway...

cybergran · 09/01/2020 22:39

op get a dog...

ANewUsername321 · 10/01/2020 07:23

OP I feel exactly the same as you. I think there's also a lot of guilt that I have a comparatively easy life compared to some of our friends with kids. I feel unfulfilled and aimless and need something else in my life but it's not a baby.

I think your thirties are a strange age if you're not starting a family. I feel ancient compared to my single 20 something colleagues, but still not like a proper adult compared to colleagues the same age as me with kids.

Original poster
Namestranger · 10/01/2020 08:57

What made me decide to have kids was thinking about what I wanted my life to be like at 60. That made me realise I had to at least try to have them. The baby stage doesn't last long, people make a big deal of it but it's really not the point. What do you want to be doing at 60?

This is kind of what the scary voices in my head are asking me 😳

It's interesting that two posters mention being 60. Other having a pension, I try not to think about getting older. There are only four adults I'm related to by blood in my parents generation and all of them got cancer in their 40s and 50s. DM died of Breast cancer just after her 60th birthday, her own mother had it in her 40s. My genes suck basically. And when I'm 60, if we're still together, DP will be nearly 80 Crown Blush
Basically, if I get to 60 I'll probably be fecked one way or another! Believe me, I've thought about it - I've also thought about going through what DM did without a partner and adult children to nurse her to the end.

None of these feel like good enough reasons to have kids though.

OP posts:
Original poster
Namestranger · 10/01/2020 08:59

I think your thirties are a strange age if you're not starting a family. I feel ancient compared to my single 20 something colleagues, but still not like a proper adult compared to colleagues the same age as me with kids

This! Feel like a weird sort of woman/girl without a clue!

OP posts:
Original poster
Namestranger · 10/01/2020 09:02

then I met DH and suddenly I did want his baby

I find this a bit mind-blowing. So you went from not wanting children to wanting them because of a DP? What was it about him that changed your mind?

OP posts:
Brimful · 10/01/2020 09:06

I can understand what you mean, OP.

It's a club we'll never belong to, and more women have children than don't so we're in the minority. You don't want kids, but that doesn't mean you won't ever look wistfully at 'family' life and wonder about this experience you're not having. It doesn't mean your life will be better/worse, just different. But every mum's experience is different, too.

Be prepared though - some parents will think you can never be tired because you don't have kids, can't know Proper Love because you don't have kids, can't be a truly selfless and compassionate person because you don't have kids....but as I said, only some think this way!

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