to wish I wanted kids?

[Namestranger]

Apologies if this has been done...but I've been here a few years and I've not seen it yet...

I feel a bit funny about the fact I don't want to have children. I mean, I know I don't want them, but I sort of wish that I did. I'm in my early thirties and everyone seems to be having babies and I really admire and slightly envy that uncomplicated total love and sense of priority, purpose and dedication having a baby seems to give parents. I sort of envy them having a love that intense in their lives. I see lots of people in here saying they're super happy with being childless and while I know I definitely don't want to have a baby I feel a bit like my life is going of a different path to all my friends now. Like I need to make my own purpose, if that makes sense. I'm probably not explaining it very well. I definitely don't dislike children, not babies anyway. I really like my little baby nephew - but if anything holding him and looking after him makes me even surer that, whole he's wonderful, it just isn't for me. It's like I'm missing a gene or something! Does anyone know what I mean? Does it lessen as you get older?

No don’t ever think you have to make up for it. With or without dc most of us are ambling on in life enjoying it for what it is.

@Namestranger I wholeheartedly agree and understand how you feel. I never wanted children and my husband didn't care either way. He used to say 'if you want them we'll have them, if you don't we won't' but as we get older he is happy we didn't!

Anyway we don't have a champagne jet set lifestyle and I don't have a high flying career. I don't want those things but my family & friends seem to think it's one or the other. We have a regular, comfortable sometimes boring life but we love it! My husband has just accepted a job in another country and I probably won't be able to work due to the language barrier. First time in 25 years I won't be working! The first thing my mum said -- I can have a child now to keep me occupied! I am quite an introverted person, I only have a small group of close friends. Hobby wise I prefer reading & watching old movies. There is nothing exciting about me, so sometimes yes I feel like a child would make me 'mean' something, especially when I get together with my huge, loud, boisterous family.

However I'm happy, my husband is happy, we're happy together and I'm so looking forward to the move. I will have to get out of my comfort zone which I'm excited about. I'm not inadequate, other people just make me feel like that but I ignore them now.

I can have a child now to keep me occupied
Sounds like she doesn't like the idea of you having free time to enjoy yourself!
Wtf eh😕

Thanks for all your stories they're really really helping!!

DF understands my not wanting kids (I don't think he really wanted any tbh) but he simply doesn't get my not wanting to progress further at work. I told him I was quitting my job in telly because it's making me miserable and I want to do a little traveling with DP, and his response was "can't you just work hard for another 10 years?". I was like bloody hell Dad look at our freakin background (see my previous post about genes) I might not even be well that long! It's odd that he still reverts to the "you just work all hours God sends and be exhausted from it, it's character building" mentality when we all know he did this and then DM died the year he retired. I think he doesn't want to admit that it all ended up being for nothing.

Yes, not having DC doesn’t mean you should ho hardcore at work, unless you want to of course! My colleagues with no DC (most of them) mainly don’t.

You said “uncomplicated” about love for (and from) DC: the love is a big deal, obviously, but at times have found the feelings and emotional challenges between my DC and me pretty complicated, and haven’t even got to the teen / adult years yet

No, of course...I only meant uncomplicated in the sense that, as people on here often say "I love the bones of them".... Like that deep deep unconditional bond. I'm sure having DC is extremely complicated!

but still not like a proper adult compared to colleagues the same age as me with kids.

You ARE a proper adult and stop listening to the crap in society that tells you that just because you havne't had children you are somewhat immature and irresponsible.

Okay so I'm the opposite but I sort of get how you feel about people moving on. I'm experiencing fertility issues and I wish so so much that I didn't want children as it consumes me constantly.

I agree with other posters though that part of it is down to the society and beliefs that we have created. You're expected to have children one day, you're not a real family until you have kids etc... It's all a load of bollocks but it's hard to switch those thoughts off when it's a widely accepted way of thinking.

I don't know if it would work the same as obviously our situations are different but I try to think of things every day that I'm grateful for which I wouldn't have been able to do if I had kids. Whether thats the lie in I had last weekend, the duvet day we had the other week or the weekend away me and DH spontaneously booked a few months ago etc... Small or large, it helps when I'm feeling low to acknowledge these things and appreciate them.

I can semi-empathise as I do want kids later, but right now I want them for the wrong reasons.

I hate my job and want to spend more time around the house doing homely things. (yeah - cause people with babies have lots of free time...)

I have peaked a bit in my career anyway, so there's not a 'big new challenge' to enjoy and look forward to. (not sure wiping bums a dozen times a day is the kind of challenge I'll wildly enjoy...)

I am making an effort at a career in writing, but realistically it won't achieve large if any financial success. (so... have a baby?)

My friends have kids, and my husband and I are a bit bored of our most active social unit being his parents. It would be nice to start 'our' family years. (yeah, because that will make socialising with our friends easier...)

I've done a lot of world travelling and look forward to UK based breaks for a few years. (literally no reason I need a baby to do this)

All bad reasons basically!

I only meant uncomplicated in the sense that, as people on here often say "I love the bones of them".... Like that deep deep unconditional bond. I'm sure having DC is extremely complicated!

It sure is! I found having children was an emotional amplifier, both good and bad. I could love the very bones of mine and just want to murder him at the same time

As a matter of interest what does your DP want? You say your DP is older, does he have already have children, or does he not want any? Most people have strong feelings about that of one sort or another, you've talked about your father's feelings but not your DP's. Where is he in all this?

thecatsthecats Most of the problems / challenges you mention would continue or become even more tricky with DC!

Most of us continue to work. Being a SAHM isn’t an easy option either, and comes with some huge risks.

Eg I used to have a creative hobby I dreamed of monetising and a social life! I now only work, parent, try to stay married, do one hobby (exercise - for specific health reasons) and hardly ever socialise with close friends .

As a matter of interest what does your DP want? You say your DP is older, does he have already have children, or does he not want any?

He doesn't want kids...he's an ex professional sportsman and earns quite a lot contracting half the year and travelling doing his sport the rest of the year. He's 50 and all his siblings have more than one kid so he's sort of bypassed the familial pressure and is very happy being the cool uncle! He's a bit of a Peter Pan type and no one ever believes him when he tells them how old he is. Bless him though, he has very solemnly said to me once that if I were to change my mind and decide I wanted a baby he'd want to talk about it because he really wants us to stay together, but I know he definitely doesn't want them either.

I expect most of us want to be “normal” OP (in the sense of being like the majority of people we know) and it sounds like this is what you are feeling.

Suspect you will feel a lot less conflicted if/when you find more childfree people to hang out with, there’s plenty out there.

Definitely don’t have DC unless you do someday develop a deep yearning for them. It’s a tough ride (not for all but for many).

@Dozer

That's exactly my point! They're bad reasons because they have no logic. They're my ovaries pretending that a baby is the answer to my problems, when actually a baby would make things worse!

I could love the very bones of mine and just want to murder him at the same time

Ha - one of my internal grumbles at work is people being childish and not very self-sufficient (I've always been a go-getty grafter type and work to solve my problems). I keep finding myself muttering under my breath, at least if it were my child being a whiny, dependent little so-and-so, a) I'd love them anyway, and b) they'd be acting their age.

I agree, I wish I did too but I'm a full time nanny and I see the realities and I don't want it. I love the bones off of the children I look after, I know I'd love my own even more but still...my bosses get time off just to be begging to go back to work as it's less work!

I don't want that!

Thirties is an odd age group. You spend your twenties getting yourself established into adult life, and there's lots ahead to do, but the thirties can come with natural plateaux and stagnation.

As someone who saw in their 30th birthday with a very new baby and has spent the decade dominated by serving the needs of young children, friendships change anyway. Just life filling up around a baby's/ child's needs will pull you away from some people and towards others, so in that way the FOMO isn't vastly different. The average span of a friendship is 7 years so it's not suprising that friendships that survived early adulthood will change.

Purpose is something you create for yourself. I had a nice professional job, but accepted very early on that the first half of the greasy ladder added a lot more burden compared to benefits of pay and that I did not have the ambition to bother pushing through.

I suppose children are some degree of purpose; I see my mission as a mother is to do what I can to mould them into being pleasant, functional adults with a range of choices open to them. I didn't forsee some high functioning SENs that provide some interesting challenges along the way, and any child comes with their own path and agenda. I still have purpose as an individual though. I discovered running as a substitute to my family unfriendly hobby. I still like many of the things I did 15 years ago. I've also changed in other ways and would have done children or not.

So if you don't want children, that's cool. Life changes anyway, and it's easy to attribute some of those changes to peers moving into family life, but it probably makes a little less difference than you think.

They're bad reasons because they have no logic.

I wouldn't quite say that. They would be bad reasons to have a baby, but if you did want a baby, some of them are logical reasons why now might be quite a good time. For example not feeling challenged at work - though I'll warn you now that if wiping bums is the biggest challenge you get to face then you will be a very lucky parent! Parenting is all about facing unexpected challenges and ones you don't necessarily want to face at all. And if you current social circle is not satisfying then you could start building a new social circle around parenting.

Work issues usually continue, and for women often get much worse, after DC.

Thanks so much everyone