to wish I wanted kids?

[Namestranger]

Apologies if this has been done...but I've been here a few years and I've not seen it yet...

I feel a bit funny about the fact I don't want to have children. I mean, I know I don't want them, but I sort of wish that I did. I'm in my early thirties and everyone seems to be having babies and I really admire and slightly envy that uncomplicated total love and sense of priority, purpose and dedication having a baby seems to give parents. I sort of envy them having a love that intense in their lives. I see lots of people in here saying they're super happy with being childless and while I know I definitely don't want to have a baby I feel a bit like my life is going of a different path to all my friends now. Like I need to make my own purpose, if that makes sense. I'm probably not explaining it very well. I definitely don't dislike children, not babies anyway. I really like my little baby nephew - but if anything holding him and looking after him makes me even surer that, whole he's wonderful, it just isn't for me. It's like I'm missing a gene or something! Does anyone know what I mean? Does it lessen as you get older?

OP- I think you are being way too hard on yourself and analysing this too much. If you dont feel you want kids, thats good that you know your own mind and what you want- dont have them! Yes, of course your life will take a different path to those friends with kids but that was always going to happen even if none of you had kids. They might get different jobs, or relocate or get married/divorced/come out etc etc You are never going to find your life to be exactly parallel to those of your friends.
But that doesnt have to be a barrier to your friendships as long as you all still make an effort to meet up and communicate etc

Instead of trying to find a great purpose in life- do things that bring you joy, whatever they may be. Be spontaneous, and dont put limitations or rules on the way your life unfolds. You might change your mind later on down the line and thats ok too. Life is a journey and it doesnt always take us down the paths we expected, and thats ok.

Great that you don't want children, why would you wish that you did? Having children is not some great achievement. If it were there would not be so many children born would there?

For every wonderfully happy mother (or father) there is another very unhappy mother or father. Read some of the threads on here and see how many women regret having children.

Me and DH chose to be child free and have never, even for a second, regretted it. None of our child free friends or family have ever expressed any regret. Our friends with children on the other hand have quite repeatedly expressed regret (almost all of them).

Not having children doesn't mean you have to climb a mountain, find a cure for the common cold or whatever. Just enjoy your life not being tied down to children with all the worry and stress. Also less likely your relationship will break down.

If you feel you need something in your life get a pet

I am in my 60's and am very happy we chose not to have children. Why would you have children just so that when you are in our 60's you are supposedly happy? What a strange idea.

Is it so you don't end up old and alone? Terrible reason to have children, very selfish too. Also lots of children fall out with their parents, emigrate, even die before their parents so the parent could still end up lonely.

I look at the state of the world and the UK in general with the overcrowding, the lack of work, the difficulty in buying a house etc plus the likely future problems due to climate change and it confirms that we were right not to bring children into this world. I would worry so much about them

Op I'm 40 I've made the decision recently ( last few years) that I don't want children:
I work with them and been around various kids in family and friends all my adult life. I've never been broody and actually quite like my life as it is.

I've seen how hard it is to be a parent I've seen friends and family struggle. I work with sick and disabled children and their families and it's so bloody hard. Then now the environmental issue ( for me no judgement on others) has reared it's head too.

There is a little 5 percent of me every now and then that goes what if I'm missing out on that bond and love that everyone tells me about?. Then in the same breath the parent complains about their child/husband/life and I remember it's not all roses. But we are judged as if we aren't doing what is expected and almost felt sorry for in some cases. Don't feel sorry for me I have a good life.

I have a lovely lovely partner and relationship and after reading these boards realise how lucky I am there. I have a good number of close friends who I see regularly plus some have children. Not forgetting family including nephews and nieces. I'm lucky in some of my friends are the same as me and some aren't. Best of both worlds.

But I do get you about purpose. But what you need to think is that you make your own purpose. It might be children. It might be community or environmental work. It might just be being a good person to friends and family. No right answer.

I'm at a cross roads with this, single, turn 40 this year and making efforts to meet someone but facing reality it might not happen. I've been through the whole 30s bit and was too focused on my career to notice! I think having a challenge is good, setting yourself deadlines for your goals.

Re. life at 60/70/80/90 rather than thinking about what you want to be doing, think about what kind of life you want to look back on, how you want to have spent your previous decade, the one before that etc., what memories do you want to have.

It can be overwhelming, the pressure to think I must do something great - do what is meaningful to YOU, put your happiness first (something that comes to you more in your 40s I think). Think of time now as laying foundations xx

Some people I know who had Dc in 40s will be dealing with teens / GCSEs etc in their 60s which i think sounds pretty hard...

I think your 'stuff' sounds great. I'm mid 40s and Dc growing up and don't need me as much, so feel much the same as you to be honest. I don't have small children either, even though I did in the past.

The dog idea sounds good too. I quite fancy a cat at some point.

Also, something else - if you like slightly older kids you could forge a relationship with your niece / nephew - but be able to hand them back!

Society makes you believe you should want children. Women who don’t want children are made to feel like they are in some way broken or they are missing something. You aren’t. It’s fine to not want them. You don’t have to do something to make up for it, just live how makes you happy.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with it!

My sister for example has NEVER EVER wanted kids. She is only mid 20's but has been set on that for a long time. She was with her ex partner for 5 years, and although he wanted them she didn't. He was very immature, didn't adult at all and he was 26.

She recently left him and has started seeing someone new. Her outlook has totally changed on having a family. She said being with her new partner makes her feel confident to have a family, it's something she now wants. Despite being soooo against it her whole life. She thinks being with her ex (any any of her other partners) subconsciously made her not want children, because maybe she felt like it would be disaster. And maybe meeting the 'right one' has made her feel more maternal and supported.

I'm not saying you will change your mind or that you have to. But if you are single then this may well be the reason you feel like you don't have it in you. Maybe if you meet 'the one' one day, your outlook might change. And if it doesn't, that is totally fine too!

I wand the kind of relationship with an adult child that I have with my parents. Yes, my son may emigrate but without any DC my chance of it is zero.

I have no siblings and my husband's sister can't have children. I will never have a niece or nephew.

My life with toddler DD is brilliant, but it was also brilliant before! I felt I had purpose and meaning in my life before her, and I don’t really feel she has changed that, she’s just fitted into it. If I hadn’t had DD I think I would have been just as happy, just a slightly different life.

I feel ancient compared to my single 20 something colleagues, but still not like a proper adult compared to colleagues the same age as me with kids

Yes! This! I totally don’t feel like a grown up because I don’t do grown up things. I have an awesome career and a mortgage but I have moved heaps of times and don’t actually live in my house and am single and feel like I am playing at commitment and adulting.

Maybe 'commitment and adulting' are overrated

I don't want children, but I do feel the pressure to 'make up for it'. Whenever someone asks me whether I have children and I say no, they look at me expectantly like "so what amazing things are you achieving instead?" And I'm just doing my job and living a quiet life.

'And I'm just doing my job and living a quiet life.'

And bloody good for you. You dont owe anyone an amazing story to 'make up' for not having children. A quiet, fulfilling life, on your own terms, is a wonderful thing

@Leighhalfpennysthigh 👏 spot on

OP, I hear you. I wish I was maternal, I feel like certain friends and family members would ‘like me more’ if I was, which I know says a lot more about them than me.

It’s a lonely time in your 30’s when everyone you know has the same ‘goal’ except you

We found out at the weekend that one of our last childfree friends were expecting. And whilst I was genuinely happy for THEM as I know it’s something they really wanted, all I could think was ‘another one bites the dust’

Yes, just live your normal life.

Tbh I think you are overstating the sense of purpose people get from children, so don't worry about missing out on that. People do go on about it, but in real life I don't know if most people feel it that intensely day to day.

Personally I love being a parent, but do I wake in the morning feeling super inspired and with a great sense of purpose? Do I think about my kid all day long like a love struck teen? Not really - I just live my normal life mostly.

Of course it's fine not to want to have children you're still part of society, part of the Human project with everything that you do, just by being a good person and treating others with kindness and respect you are making a positive contribution to humanity.
If you feel that you want to to make a direct contribution to nurturing children then you could do it in some kind of a professional capacity.

I feel like certain friends and family members would ‘like me more’ if I was, which I know says a lot more about them than me

Yeah, I actually feel like my Dad regards DBro and SIL as the proper adults in the family having a baby whereas I'll forever be the slightly chaotic, zaney one (despite paying all my bills and owning a house for years!) who is a bit useless and crap.

I feel a bit....aimless, I suppose

OP, don't have kids because you feel aimless! I think a lot of women think they have to adhere to societal expectations, have kids and then think oh fuck, I didn't really want kids but they are here now so I have to get on with it.

I am child free by choice but have also gone through similar to you. I used to think there must be something wrong with me as when colleagues on maternity leave used to come in with their new babies I used to want to disappear as hated having to pretend to be interested, wishing they had bought a puppy in instead

There is nothing wrong with me, or indeed, you. You know your own mind and that is a good thing.

@1300cakes gives great advice

Oh and yes to a dog. I have two and they are AMAZING !

Societal expectations are a bugger. We nearly had 2 DC because of it, then realised we are very happy with one.

Women in particular are made to feel "odd" and "other" if they're not parents.

Crack on with your life as it is. No one lives it but you, so it's none of their business.

The happiest people I know are child free from choice.

I have DC, but when I hit 40 I still had the feelings of being aimless and not achieving ‘enough’ in life. Having DC doesn’t really fulfill a purpose in itself as nowadays we’re expected to do it all in addition to having children - having a successful career, interesting hobby, saving the world lol.

What I’m trying to say is that many people feel the same as you whether they have DC or not. They may be more occupied and focused on family whilst they are young, but children soon grow up and then we’re left thinking ‘what now?’

I can see where you're coming from, OP. Nothing is black and white. I'm CF, have been against the idea of having children since I was a child myself, but that doesn't mean that I don't appreciate the good points of having them. These are kodak moments, though and I know I wouldn't want to deal with the more mundane aspects.
You can only be true to yourself and find your own way in life. It will all fall into place and make sense. You can't live your life for others.
Definitely look into getting a dog when you can. We have two, and they are amazing. The youngest we reared from when she was a puppy and the bond we have with her is wonderful. The eldest is a rescue dog and she looks at me times with such intense love that it feels almost overwhelming.