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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel guilty my 8 year old cannot swim.

133 replies

Pop2017 · 08/01/2020 18:15

He absolutely loves the water, no confidence issues. He has autism and cannot swim. He cannot seem to pick it up easily. Admittedly we don’t take him as much as we should but he does swimming with school.. he does have motor skill issues.

I have thought about lessons but he wouldn’t work well in a group. He needs one to one lessons but can’t find any availability close by but I will put his name down.

Is this really bad? Not really aibu I apologise but I’m just stressing about it now!

He loves the water just cannot swim.

OP posts:

TheNoodlesIncident · 09/01/2020 14:46

For some children it actually works better if they are on the older side. The child needs to have the maturity to be able to focus on, comprehend and follow out the instructions given by the coach. When my ds started to learn he was five and his coach had to do a bit of play, a bit of lesson, a bit of play, a bit of lesson... it worked for them as she already knew him and what difficulties he would have (he also has ASD). As time went on, she could do a longer stretch of actual learning with shorter play intervals. So it would help if you could find a coach who understands children with autism and has endless reams of patience . A 1:1 would be best for your son, unless he actually manages better with another child whom he gets on with - but definitely very small group. At home, you could get him to lie across a dining room chair and practise making the movements, so he gets used to how you move your limbs for each stroke. If he gets the feel of them in a familiar environment, it may help him to replicate the movements in the pool.

It's great that he has the water confidence and he is still young enough to be able to use floats and pool toys without feeling self-conscious (I can see the kids learning at our swim school pushing a float with a rubber duck balanced on it, and I get envious and think I wish I could have done that!) so it's not really as bad as you think. The coaches at our swim school also do the school groups for curriculum swimming, they have told me that they get classes of 30 children where sometimes a third of them have never even been to a swimming pool before, never mind that they can't swim! At least you have tried and you do care!

Like some PP have said, their child struggled with learning to swim when they were really little, sometimes waiting until the child is ready is by far the better option. Some are suited to learning early, some are not, and when your child has a disability that affects their co-ordination, vestibular and proprioceptive senses it can make it much harder.

ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19 · 09/01/2020 14:52

I'm a swimming instructor op plenty of swim schools offer 1 to 1 lessons for this very reason. Although the lessons cost more they can be match funded. Definitely look at it as it's an important life skill and confidence building. Feel free to pm for advice.

ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19 · 09/01/2020 14:57

As far as I can tell it’s a middle class hobby as it’s so damn expensive

Its really not a middle class hobby group lessons are about £.7.50 Its no different to dance lessons, karate etc only swimming is an essential life skill, so much so more kids are learning to swim than ever. Theres a massive drive with Swim England to encourage kids to learn to swim and swimming is on the national circuallum by year 3 upwards.

modgepodge · 09/01/2020 18:28

Oh ok, that’s significantly cheaper than baby swimming which is more like £14-15 per class.

When I taught in a state school in a deprived area, kids did swimming in y4 for 6 lessons. I think only one child eligible for pupil premium could already swim - it was largely the middle class kids who could. Some of the kids hadn’t ever even been in a swimming pool 🙁

BillHadersNewWife · 09/01/2020 18:33

Modge I agree. Unless you've lived in a working class community, then you WOULD say "Oh it's only 7.50!"

7.50 is unattainable for many, many families unfortunately.

IHaveBrilloHair · 09/01/2020 18:47

£7.50 is a lot of money when you're just scraping by.
When Dd was young it was a case of heat or eat in our house, add in ASD/PDA where she'd flatly refuse, then it's not happenning.
I've no idea what would happen if she fell into water, but I do know that I am not to blame for her not being able to swim.

NellWilsonsWhiteHair · 09/01/2020 19:13

Agree with PPs that £7.50 a lesson is prohibitively expensive for many families (especially if more than one child!!) - although in fact my children’s swimming lessons work our closer to £4 a lesson (in London! and including the baby!). Nonetheless in a very mixed area it is a heavily middle class attendance at lessons (especially the baby ones), and we know loads of kids who just never ever swim. I have never come across this ‘all children must learn to swim! It’s a life skill!!!’ thing other than on MN.

Mrsjayy · 09/01/2020 19:17

1 of my grown up children can't swim also has motor skills issues I wouldn't worry too much about it.

Toomanycats99 · 09/01/2020 19:18

My daughter has dyspraxia and has been having lessons for 4.5 years. She can still only swim about 10 metres!

I do want to stop them as I am so fed up of spending every weekend sitting there!

She goes to a school that specialise in special needs swimming so they are far more understanding that she cannot coordinate arms and legs rather than previous school which were totally technique focused.

I pay £11.50 a lesson but it's a max of 4 in a. Group but usually only 2 or 3. Sometimes it's been 121.

NeedToGoToBedNow · 09/01/2020 19:21

I wouldn't worry about it too much, but if you can afford lessons, I'd suggest you start taking him soon. Swimming is a life skill really and you never know when your DS might need to be able to swim to stop himself or another drowning. Some council's offer free lessons to kids on the bread line. If you can afford private lessons, then fab.

BonnyConnie · 09/01/2020 19:25

I don’t think it matters that much in Britain. I grew up in Australia where everyone learned because it was risky not to know, here I don’t think it matters. I have been in water for years (mostly because I hate it but also because it’s so horribly cold here).

Peterspotter · 09/01/2020 19:26

POP I’m a swimming teacher and you’d be able to teach him yourself.

Take some Google’s and water toys and go and learn through play with him. There are loads of games which are actually stroke and floating focused.

I can give you some tips if you want to PM me

CallofDoodee · 09/01/2020 19:27

I think at 8 you should’ve got him to learn to swim by now

There's always fuckin one isn't there....

Peterspotter · 09/01/2020 19:28

It does matter if you can’t swim because you can never rely on the fact that you might never get on to a difficult situation in some point of your life.

Plus the fact I’ve pulled out many kids that have got out of there depths. Once you see a child struggling to gasp for breath and sinking - you know all children need to learn how to swim

PPopsicle · 09/01/2020 19:29

As a swimming teacher, and I’m going to get a lot of crap for this, yes I do think it’s bad.

Water safety and confidence is incredibly underrated. Lots of children have ‘pool parties’ nowadays, and at some point your child will go out to play near a river or lake.

The ability to get yourself to the edge and out of a dangerous situation is the difference between life and death.

Even if only to a standard where if he fell into water, he can swim to the edge and get out.

Seriously, get him swimming.

isabellerossignol · 09/01/2020 19:40

I think at 8 you should’ve got him to learn to swim by now

My 8 year old has been having swimming lessons for years, and I take him swimming too, and he can't swim. My older child was 13 before she properly 'got' it. I'd love to hear your suggestions as to how I could make them able to swim.

It came as a huge surprise to me that neither of them could do it, because I am a very strong swimmer and always loved the water. My children both hated it. Every time I took them when they were babies they got distressed and screamed the place down. And they were no better as toddlers.

The mumsnet obsession with swimming always amazes me. I'm in my 40s and very few of my friends are competent swimmers, and many can't swim at all. My parents never ever took me swimming as a child, because neither of them could swim, and none of my siblings can swim. My husband can't swim and neither can his parents. Even these days, I don't know very many 8 year olds who can swim. Older kids, yes, but very few 8 year olds.

Alaimo · 09/01/2020 19:43

Maybe it's because I grew up near water & pretty much everyone I know had swimming lessons age 4-5, but I'm a bit shocked by the amount of people who think it's fine that kids can't swim. I think basic safety (staying afloat, what to do if you fall into the water fully clothed) is so important. Learning different swimming styles can wait until later.

PPopsicle · 09/01/2020 19:45

@isabellerossignol

You might see it as an obsession but I see it as simply children learning a life skill, just like crossing the road, because not knowing how to do it could be the difference between life and death.

How you don’t know many 8 year olds that swim I don’t know.

isabellerossignol · 09/01/2020 19:52

How you don’t know many 8 year olds that swim I don’t know.

Well, in my area the local pool doesn't accept you on the waiting list for lessons until you are 7, and there is a long list after that, so that probably accounts for most of it. Private lessons in hotel swimming pools etc are beyond the reach of most families.

I'm not arguing that it is pointless, obviously it is a good thing to learn. I want my children to learn. But it is not a given that if you take a child swimming, or to swimming lessons, they will be able to swim by the age of 8.

m0therofdragons · 09/01/2020 20:02

No point feeling bad but would be good to get him skilled up. I'm genuinely surprised by the number of non swimmers on this thread. Dtds are 8 and they've just started school lessons this week. Out of 60 dc ages 8-9 only 4 can't swim (two are autistic) so this thread does surprise me.

m0therofdragons · 09/01/2020 20:07

Well, in my area the local pool doesn't accept you on the waiting list for lessons until you are 7

All the pools I've ever been to across the country state ratios of parents to child with dc being under 8, 8 and over are expected to be able to swim (huge generalisation but shows a big difference depending on area). I would say some people start very early and spend a fortune when the dc stomach muscles aren't strong enough for them to swim well. Learning older should mean they learn faster.

drspouse · 09/01/2020 20:08

My DS school starts lessons in Y3, so he is 8, and he can already swim but they have two pools at the swimming pool school go to and the non-swimmers go in the smaller one, so obviously they have lots of non-swimmers at this age.
He is actually going to carry on with the out of school lessons instead because, while he would cope with swimming, he's not great with changing independently due to SEN.

Peterspotter · 09/01/2020 20:13

Learning older should mean they learn faster

What rubbish

zzzzzzzx · 09/01/2020 20:17

Mine all started swimming lessons from 4 and we have seen plenty of 7/8 year old non swimmers start lessons and catch up my children (who by then had several years of lessons behind them) in a very short space of time.

PPopsicle · 09/01/2020 20:18

@m0therofdragons

HAHAHhahaHaaaa
I call bullshit.

Because, In fact, learning older makes it considerably harder. Teaching an older child to feel confident in water, the first step before any swimming is taught, is much harder with an older child who knows the dangers of water/can kick about/climb out the pool.

You actually think those people who get their children in swimming early do so because they think their 2 year old is going to be an Olympic swimmer? No, they do it to get the child use to water.

Actually never heard someone spout so much crap. Stomach muscles. Lol.

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