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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel guilty my 8 year old cannot swim.

133 replies

Pop2017 · 08/01/2020 18:15

He absolutely loves the water, no confidence issues. He has autism and cannot swim. He cannot seem to pick it up easily. Admittedly we don’t take him as much as we should but he does swimming with school.. he does have motor skill issues.

I have thought about lessons but he wouldn’t work well in a group. He needs one to one lessons but can’t find any availability close by but I will put his name down.

Is this really bad? Not really aibu I apologise but I’m just stressing about it now!

He loves the water just cannot swim.

OP posts:
PTW1234 · 08/01/2020 21:09

My 6 year old can’t swim or ride a bike.

I do feel extremely guilty about this, but he doesn’t have any interest in either activities anyway.

It’s really difficult in this day and age to find the time to be fair. Both me and OH work full time so he is in wrap around before and after school, where we live makes it tricky to do either activity also.

Weekends we do football, chill and go on days ‘out’, which usually consist of museums/galleries, visiting family, theme parks etc.

I wouldn’t beat yourself up about it too much, unless you live next to a large body of water, he can take his own time to learn.

ThanksForAllTheFish · 08/01/2020 21:13

My 10 year old can’t swim (not ASD but does have some sensory issues so I suspect that’s part of the reason). She had 2 1/2 years of lessons and it cost me a fortune but she hated them, got past level one and then regressed when she moved up a level. Spent most of the time refusing to even try at lessons and crying. Moved back down to level one again (Think it would help) and then couldn’t/refused do anything she had done previously and continued to cry through most of her lessons. We gave up in the end as it wasn’t worth it.
I know on MN swimming is often seen as something children have to know how to do and you get judged if you don’t make your children learn. Sure it would be ideal if all children could swim but it’s not for everyone. I can only imagine how difficult it must be for some people with ASD to learn to swim. I can see why it would be difficult for some people to cope with (water in ears, sound underwater, chlorine smell, feeling of swimming costume fabrics, feeling of goggles/water in eyes, sensation of water resistance when moving etc.)

Patte · 08/01/2020 21:13

I'm pretty sure I couldn't swim till I was about 10. I do have a slight physical issue that makes me clumsy (didn't know that then!) but once I got it I was fine, now swim regularly.

One to one lessons do sound like a good idea for your DS though. I'm sure he'd like to be able to swim if he loves the water.

clareykb · 08/01/2020 21:19

I teach Y6 children and every year we have several who can't swim (I'd say maybe 2 out of 30 who can't at all and then maybe 5 who can't do a recognisable stroke) Interestingly it is often the clever, slightly geeky boys who can't or the very self conscious children who don't like going to pools. They almost all learn in the end though. Also about lessons. DD has a s&l delay and struggled in ordinary lessons. We went to a private swim school and switched to classes of 4 and the difference is amazing. They also do holiday crash courses. Don't know where u are but if you are North East I can give you some recommendations.

CarolinaPink · 08/01/2020 21:21

I think you should try to find somebody to teach him. It’s dangerous for children not to be able to swim.

Wynston · 08/01/2020 21:23

Dc has been going swimming lessons in a group since he was 3.5 (various swimming pools)......and has been water confident all this time but not really grasped swimming.
We started with one to one about 6months ago and he finally got it.....i wished we had done that since day one!
We live really close to the sea and im not a confident swimmer and thats why I have kept the lessons up.

Wynston · 08/01/2020 21:24

Should add dc is now 8

happycamper11 · 08/01/2020 21:29

If it wasn't for group lessons my dc wouldn't be able to swim either- I do take then occasionally but hate it. I have raynauds which means I get unbearably cold very quickly and feel quite unwell after. There are plenty of 1:1 lessons here which probably would be cheaper over all but the outlay at one time is too much which leaves the group. They've been in them for years and can swim just fine but in your position they'd likely have had little water exposure at all since we returned to the uk. I'd just keep going as you are with name down on a 1:1 as you say and definitely don't feel guilty

Strongmummy · 08/01/2020 21:36

@PurpleCrazyHorse my son can’t get the hang of cycling either. However the difference is swimming can save your life; cycling won’t. I don’t think the two skills are comparable

happycamper11 · 08/01/2020 21:36

Interested to hear people think it's a middle class hobby though - I'm a lone parent on benefits (well until today that is) and I've scrimped and saved for dd10 to have lessons for the last 6 years and and dd6 for the last 3. Hate to think what it's cost but I prioritise it just below food and basic bills. Dd10 could probably stop now but she loves it and dd6 is pretty good but loses her skill during holidays so definitely needs to keep going a while longer yet

PurpleFlower1983 · 08/01/2020 21:40

I think it’s a really important life skill and 8 is a bit late but it’s good that you have plans to get him there.

Railworker · 08/01/2020 21:44

Don’t feel guilty, but do make those enquiries about getting 1:1 lessons if you can. School swimming is unlikely to result in him learning to swim as there are usually even more kids per teacher than in leisure centre group lessons and most schools barely offer more than 1 term.
If he can’t ‘swim’, can he turn himself onto his back in the water and at least float? Teaching him to swim could help save his life one day and although it can be time consuming and difficult to find the right teacher, in my view, it will totally be worth it for your peace of mind (as well as being fun for him!). Best of luck op, it’s not easy.

Elouera · 08/01/2020 21:54

I'm obviously going against others here, but its a life skill that should be learnt or at least started by now!!! If there are learning issues, there are multiple places that offer 1:2:1 classes to help! If paying for lessons is an issue, surely you or OH swim and help with teaching? Many local authorities offer classes at a reduced rate. I personally feel its not a 'nice to have skill' like some other sports, its a necessary, life saving skill for all!

AndWhatNext · 08/01/2020 21:57

I love the water and really confident. Didn't learn how to swim properly until I was 43.

SpillTheTea · 08/01/2020 22:02

I know children who only learned in secondary school when free lessons were offered. No need to feel guilty about it.

Breastfeedingworries · 08/01/2020 22:08

When did you start taking him swimming? I started when my dd was 6 weeks old in a heated pool about 32/33 degrees. It made amazing difference she’s predicted to be swimming at 2 and won’t need armbands. She’s 13 months now. (Not a stealth brag, an actual brag) these things should be started early.

BrokenWing · 08/01/2020 23:13

I hate pools and couldn't be bothered with taking him every week from a young age for years and years while they get more and more resistant to going due to boredom at the slow progress.

Purposely waited until he seemed ready, then age 7-8 put him into 1-1 lessons, 20 mins a week with a swim after, within a year he had great technique and was swimming 25 x 25m lengths in pjs for a warm up at rookie life guard.

Cost a bit, but less than 3-4, or more, years of classes some parents have done.

Charlottejade89 · 08/01/2020 23:18

my dps 9 year old son cant swim. He had lessons with school a while back so he can swim a little bit now but not properly. And he panics and wont let go of the side. my partner taught him the very basics on holiday last year but obviously couldn't teach much in a week. Hence why we are starting our 18 month old dd swimming lessons next week because I want her to be confident in water and be able to save herself should the worst happen

Strongmummy · 08/01/2020 23:30

@AndWhatNext great that you can swim now, but no one should wait that long to learn. Kids should be taught ASAP. It’s so important

IdblowJonSnow · 08/01/2020 23:33

No point feeling bad but I'd crack on with it especially as he enjoys water.
I think I learnt at 8, bloody hated going with school tho.

EnjoyyourBrexit · 08/01/2020 23:34

Do any swim schools offer intensive week long courses in the holidays? They are usually smaller numbers and the progress is much quicker.

june2007 · 08/01/2020 23:39

I would join a class first and see how they go. After a break I go my son back into it a year ago as I wanted to make sure he could swim. He was 8. (had previously had lessons but not really swimming a year ago.)

TooManyPaws · 08/01/2020 23:57

Take him as much as you can - it's great that he's confident in the water. Fancy strokes aren't as important as keeping yourself safe. How about learning to tread water or the basics of catching a line when in the water? Many people drown through panic so water confidence and some common sense safety tricks will help - he may even find water safety more fun than trying and failing to learn strokes at the moment.

Yes, the best thing is to get a child in the water as early as possible (I was three months old back in the early 60s) but that leads to water confidence which he already has. Can he make up his own strokes to get himself around the water? That's what babies do. And try and see if he can make his way around underwater as I found that easier when young (I have dyspraxia). Don't worry so much about the strokes, just get him to use his confidence and make his way around in water. Even doggy paddle has its uses! If he's ever in a threatening situation in water, what stroke he's using won't matter but not panicking, treading water, and getting himself towards assistance will be the best way.

Jog22 · 09/01/2020 00:44

What! My son could swim when he was in the womb! Call yourself a mother!

VforVienetta · 09/01/2020 01:08

I'm in a very similar boat OP.
8yo ASD son, with dyspraxia and sensory issues. We tried group swimming classes (6 kids) but he struggled badly, and IMO the instructor had very little understanding.
We've been very strong on water safety, and fortunately he's a cautious person anyway. He knows what to do if he falls into water, and is never unsupervised if we're near open water.
His 5yo brother can't swim either, and I'm afraid that's purely down to our issues with DS1. DS2 is strong and coordinated, and would take to swimming easily if he got the chance.
I'm trying to find an instructor who will do 1-2 lessons for the pair of them, with me in the water as an extra pair of hands (for DS1 if he gets stressed). Not an easy task.