To cancel my son meeting his Dad for the first time?

[QwertyLou]

I'm worried I've messed up and not sure what to do.

The father of my child faded out while I was pregnant. I tried so hard to engage him as a "co-parent" but to no avail. So after hanging on until the last moment (38 weeks) I moved 1000km back to family so I would not be alone.

I was besotted with my baby and thanks to my parents letting us stay, was able to stay home 2 years. They gave a LOT of help (still do) and my son is very, very attached to his Nan and Grandad... he has three "parent like" relationships.

I'm from a big family and between uncles, cousins etc. he has about 10 loving "male role models" who will always be there. He is very happy and we all love him to bits.

I did try a few times to get his father involved. First on my own, emailing photos. Secondly, by applying for child support (he denied paternity). Thirdly, I had a law firm invite him to a mediation. He ignored all that.

So I just focussed on creating the most loving, nurturing life I could. Then, just before my son ("Ben") turned 5 he surprised me by saying: "I wish I had a Dad in my House, all my friends have a Dad in their House!"

I felt bad and emailed his father briefly letting him know his birthday was coming up. To my surprise, he was quite receptive and sent Ben a birthday card and present (in November). Then a Christmas card, saying he would "bring the present when he meets him!" He is now coming next week (!!) and expects to meet Ben.

Now this is why I messed up. He raised this before Christmas and I felt very conflicted (based on reliability concerns). I was mulling it over while dealing with the stress of Christmas. When he emailed again "Why haven't you replied!?" I felt flustered and said "um, ok" without fully thinking it through.

So:

• I'm worried he will meet Ben and disappear again. I'm happy for them to have a relationship but want more certainty in place first. WIBU to say this?

• BUT I fear his father will get very angry if I do. He said he can do an annual visit, so it would mean meeting Ben next year instead of next week.

Ben meanwhile is happily racing around with cousins, having forgotten about the "Dad in the House" issue, blissfully unaware of all this! WWYD?

You've used you're childs name I would contact mnhq to have the removed. As for the father give him the chance to met him and the opportunity to step up.

Say all of this to him

If he’s planning an annual visit and no more then I certainly wouldn’t be introducing him as Dad right away

Have you discussed the visit with him? How you’ll refer to each other? What you’ll both tell your child? How you’ll answer certain questions?

If he’s not interested in those discussions then he’s not interested in your child

He still doesn't want to be a proper dad.
He needs to prove he can be consistent first and if he's not willing to do that he doesn't deserve to know your son.

I'd cancel. Suggest you start with letters every week or whatever.

BUT I fear his father will get very angry if I do.

That is a terrible reason to introduce an unreliable, flaky man into your child's life to potentially visit once a year. Once a year is not being a dad!

That's just going to bring up more rejection and confusion.

Frankly, this man's feelings are irrelevant. Your child's best interests come first.

I think @lyralalala is wise here - speak to him and explain that its in the child's best interests not to have him introduced as "Dad" right away - especially at such a young age. If he meets his dad and starts building expectations of having an ongoing relationship with each other which doesn't work out how he dreams it will (which will be based on story books and not realistic) - and his father drifts off having concluded that fatherhood is too much effort, then your son will internalise that as rejection and feelings of inadequacy which will screw him up for decades to come.

Better to introduce him as "my friend John" and don't expect your son to interact with him any more than he would any other adult visitor. Ask the ex not to bring any big presents or expect hugs etc.

If your ex is prepared to commit to being a father, keeping in regular contact, and you feel you can trust him not to fade away again, then you can arrange for further visits and opportunities for them to get to know each other as father and son.

Thanks everyone and just to clarify , “ben” is not his name (just a made up one for DS)

I feel like I should have been more assertive last year.. I thought if I said “Not yet!” He would get huffy and disappear. Then it would be my fault in some way

username edited out by MNHQ name change fail
If he gets shitty and disappears that's on him. He wants to be a father or he doesn't. There's nothing you can do other than what's best for your son (which is definitely doing what you're suggesting and building a relationship first)

My DSD met her father for the first time when she was 14. Long story, both parents to blame. He was not introduced as Dad but she figured it out.

Your DS wants to know who his dad is. For better or worse, I think you should let him. That way he has a face to put to the concept and can tell his friends that he met his dad.

Ask the dad to try to be consistent, even if it’s a card or a Skype call every couple of months.

I thought if I said “Not yet!” He would get huffy and disappear. Then it would be my fault in some way

Why would another adult's actions be your fault?

He's been out of your life for five years and you're still afraid to stand up to him and blame yourself for his crappy behaviour... You know that's not a normal/healthy basis for any relationship, right?

I don't know why you're so keen to introduce someone so manipulative/coercive into your child's currently stable life.

"For better or worse"? When worse is fucking up the child's head for decades to come because "dad" met him once then never wanted to see him or communicate with him again?

Nope.

FFS. Why on earth would you do this?! The man has paid NO part in your child's life whatsoever. A FATHER is someone who brings him up. Not the person who's DNA he shares.

He showed zero interest. You've pestered him and now he's agreed. To whose benefit? Your poor son's head is going to be massively fucked up now. Any Dad who wanted to have been involved, would have been. END OF.

Sorry, I'm angry because i have personal experience of all this. Talk about opening a Pandora's Box.

Anyway. To answer your question. Yes. Cancel it.

I think this man needs to prove himself before he is given the opportunity to f*ck up your son's head. Frankly his behaviour so far has been reprehensible.

If your ex isn't willing to understand that, and wants to dictate everything on his own terms... I imagine he would not be a positive addition to your son's life.

He can only see him once a year?! Is he Father Christmas?

If he wants to be involved more regularly then distance is no excuse (especially as you made every effort to facilitate it previosly!) Skype/Facetime/WhatsApp - so many options for video calling in this day and age, perhaps you could suggest a video call once a week/fortnight to build things up slowly if you have concerns about ex letting your DC down. If he fails to keep that up then you can easily switch to saying "let's call uncle Bob tonight instead" so that DC is quickly distracted. As ex has been so unreliable previously, it will also be less anxiety for you if DC sees 7pm on a Sunday as "Skype time" rather than "dad time" as you won't be worrying as much about whether or not his dad flakes out each week as you can just call another person instead.

Why didn't you just say not everyone has a dad at home?
Distract him with a new fish /game /toy. Then tell him some dc have a dad, some have a fish, some have a new car. All good ds, no worries.
No reason to allow him to meet a twat imo.
And hope he pays Cms.

Cancel the meeting. An ANNUAL visit?! He can fuck right off. Is that all he thinks your son is worth? What a disgrace. Introducing them would only confuse your son more.

Does ex know where you live, and could he turn up anyway?

I wouldn’t introduce and plan on referring to ex as “my friend X” as who knows if your ex will actually stick to that.

Unless he is willing to start up a proper relationship, this is only going to hurt and confuse your son. Don’t put him through that.

He can commit to an annual visit?
One whole visit a year?
Bin this fuckwit off. Sounds like you’ve done a great job with your boy, he has a large supportive network and family, and this person is no more (and not prepared to be any more) than a sperm donor.

Thing is, all of the contact has been instigated by you.

You had to email him to let him know his son’s birthday was coming up.

He doesn’t get to be involved now that DS is at a ‘fun’ age. Where was he through the sleepless newborn nights, the toddler tantrums, etc?

And how do you know he won’t phase your DS out in the future? That will be incredibly damaging to your DS.

Biological Father will need to prove over a period of time that he can build a relationship, be reliable and be trusted.

If not, tough for him. Your DS is so loved by so many, he doesn’t ‘need’ this man shattering his understanding of love and family, that you have provided so well for him.

This could have been me writing this ten years ago when my son was five and his father turned back up. I did encourage the meeting and it went well for a couple of years and now nothing. Son has told me his father doesn't answer messages but he can see he has read them. It truly sucks. If I were you I'd email him and say you need to take things slowly, if he fights you at least you know he really is bothered. I think he'll just drift away again but I could be biased!

Ps the previous posters all have it right. I wish I'd had their advice ten years ago!

Nope! No way! No how! Never!
Sperm donor is clearly an absolute shit of a man.
Stop trying to force him into your son’s life.
Does he know where you live? Your address?

I think you're setting your son up for heart break. It is natural for him to wonder about his Dad from time to time but you are going to have to break his heart in a few months when you explain that he's not coming back for ages (if at all) and you can't just take him to his Dad's house instead.
Most kids don't have Dad at home.

honestly, I would forget the 'dad in the house' idea at all unless his father is prepared to step up and see him on a regular - not once a year.
We don't have a dad in our house and our kids are completely fine about it, understand that families come in all shape and sizes. Having good role models in your kids lives of both genders is the main thing they need, not some flake who's a bit curious about what the kid looks like but doesn't want the hassle of being a parent.
I'd keep the dialogue open and if his dad wants to discuss being there more that's a different thing.

BUT I fear his father will get very angry if I do.

So bloody what? He's not in your life. Your priority should buyout son's welfare, not worrying about the reaction of some idiot who doesn't deserve your or your son's time.

*be your, not 'buyout'